A child is born

A child is born

'Morning bun. Happy New Year.'

'Mawniiing. Happy New Year.'

'Is someone in pain?'

'Why are you smiling when you say that? No, actually, yes, I'm in a great deal of pain.'

'Do you think it was the ‘just one for the road’ glass of Glenfiddich or the 'just one for the road' ten pints you’d had before that?'

'Stoooopppp!' Eddie managed a pained chuckle.

'Cuppa and Nurofen my darling?'

'Yes please, Matron.'

I wasn’t feeling my best but managed to channel my inner trooper, find my knickers and my nightgown to throw on before heading down the creaky stairs of our ancient Sussex cottage to make us both a cuppa and a find at least one over the recommended amount number of Nurofen. I also found the remnants of our last box of panettone. Mmm, the delicious smell of all that aged fruit and butter that sweetened everything. As I was waiting for the kettle to boil, I walked around the corner of our kitchen to our toilet to see which character from the Rocky Horror Show I most resembled.

Ewgh. Definitely Magenta. It was my auburn bush that had clearly had a party of its own. Night of the living dead springs to mind. Why do we always get carried away? Every time. Why did we insist on being so sociable?

When I asked Eddie this his reply was ‘Don’t beat yourself up. Just think about those medieval lot.’

'I don’t what you're referring to?'

'Well, you know all that booze consumed as a standard drink by our medieval ancestors. Better than water.'

'I know but their lifespan was usually about 40 so if we carry on like this, I’ve got another year in me.'

'Ha'.

Sat up in bed now, I enquired 'I can’t quite remember where we ended up?

‘What do you mean?

‘Last night. Was it in Phil and Sandy’s?

‘Oh no, do you not remember we called in at Babs on the way home?'

'Did we?'

'Did Dickie arrest us?'

'No, do you remember there was that pissed woman who called me a racist?'

'What the feck did you say this time?'

'Urgh, nothing, I just said I was appalled that the village didn’t fly the St George's flag each year but they felt the need to fly every other flag for most of the year.'

'Yikes. I can't take you anywhere.'

'Well at that point, we left swiftly but then bumped into James who was going to The Bell for one last snifter.'

'What? Where was I?'

'Well, you were with us, but you fell asleep next to the fire, and I carried you home when you started dribbling.'

'Oh god you’re joking. That’s attractive.'

'Yes, you are.' He leaned in and one thing led to another. There is nothing quite like an exchange of juices to help cure a hangover.

At least twenty minutes later.... 'Ok now we’ve had willy time, is it time for welly time?'

'Goodness you are a child.'

'Yes, I am.' He chuckled.

After a warm bath and a nibble on a bacon butty, we ventured out into the cold, adorned with our wellies and country attire and crossed the quiet high street outside our cottage and picked up the footpath which led to a circular walk around the nearby reservoir. We weren’t sure we had the stamina for a full stomp but would have a good go at it and then reward ourselves with a swift half at the pub, The Bull Inn along the way.

‘Is there anything you’d like to do…achieve this year bun?’

‘I don’t really do resolutions as you know.

'I know.’

‘I think I know where this may be going.'

‘Really? Why do you say that?’

‘Well, we were getting a lot of questions last night about the patter of tiny feet?’

‘Really I don’t remember that?’

‘Well, you were full of prosecco.'

'True. Oh goodness now I remember.... the girls thought it was funny to put a cushion up my dress and didn’t they holler something?'

'Yes, they shouted, ‘who the daddy?’

'Oh, dear god, once you take away all that education and give them a cheap bottle of something, they’re a bunch of feral louts.'

'Indeed.'

'Anyway, I have been thinking about it, and I know we have spoken about it before but I’m going to be 39 this year and I just don’t want to be 40 to have a child.'

'Absolutely.'

So can we go for it?'

'Yes'

'Yes!!! I love you so much'

'I love you too.'

'It’s snowing. It’s a sign. The universe agrees.'

'Right, we better get going and call into The Bull to warm up.'

5 pints, 3 glasses of wine, a bonk and 5 weeks later...

‘Hey bun. Sorry to disturb you at work.'

‘Hey, no probs, how are you doing?’

‘Fine thanks.’

‘Is all, ok?

Yep, I’m up the duff.'

‘Well done. Why didn’t you wait to tell me when I got home?’

‘I was too excited. Sorry.’

‘No that’s fine. Look I need to carry on at work, but I’ll message you on the train, ok? Well done. What did I tell you. it's all about focus and my sperm is incredibly focused.

‘Yes of course dear.'

I managed to keep our secret for a few weeks longer but then felt the need to let work colleagues know as morning sickness crept in, and I felt unable to move from the bathroom floor, let alone get on a train into London town for the performance that was my day job.

It didn’t take long before word got around our village. I should’ve known better than to buy my pregnancy test from the village pharmacist whose niece worked in the bar in the main pub in the village and loved a gossip.

After a walk one Saturday, we met some friends pre-dinner in the pub and Andy asked what I was going to start with.

‘And what will Madam imbibe tonight? Not too much. Don’t want to drunkenly cross the fields home with you this evening.’

'Goodness that was a raucous night. I'll just have a ginger beer.'

'You mean a ginger ale.'

'No, the non-alcoholic.'

'God Rebs you’re not up the duff are you?'

'Urgh…Eddie, what would you like to drink?'

Andy hollered to his girlfriend Mandy. Yes Mandy and Andy or Maandy as they were known locally. ‘Rebs is up the duff.’

To which most of the locals cheered and clapped which was nice.

I think someone hollered ‘but I thought Eddie was impotent!’

The curious thing about announcing you’re having a baby is you're suddenly offered advice and thoughts on all aspects of growing a child and parenthood.

Our baby boy was born three days before Christmas at a very health 8ilbs, 3 ounces and there isn’t a day when I am not grateful for George.

And now 8 years later, I'm waiting to meet up with one of the great gifts George has given me.

The crowds came up from the lower level at St Pancras and I frantically looked at those coming through the barriers.

'There she is.'

‘Hello darling.'

‘Hello my love, how are you? Looking gorgeous as ever…’

‘Oh thank you, you too.'

‘You are always so kind. I'm surprised I don’t have something crusty on my top.'

'Has your bundle been throwing up on you again?'

'Ha! No, he’s a good boy. Can you believe he’s 40!'

'Yikes! No, I meant Isaac. Is he feeling better?'

'Oh yes thanks. You know what its like...they seem really poorly in the night and you think...is this an A and E situation and then they bounce back and you're left battered. Why did I agree to spread my legs again? I mean isn’t 3 enough? Add to that the man child in my life.'

'He he. I can’t imagine. You are my hero.'

'You are so smart. Stick to one. You can both outnumber George. It’s a good ratio.'

'It is but we do have pangs of guilt about him being the only child. Did I tell you what the outlaw said when I firmly said we were having one only? Gosh that’s such bad luck. Who calls a child bad luck? What does that mean? Her and her crazy irish catholic ways.'

'Lordy!'

'Anyway, I thought we could celebrate after all this time at Ciao Bella.'

'Sounds ace. You had me at ‘fancy an Italian?’

'Ok it's a short walk this way. I can’t believe we’ve known each other for a decade.'

'I know. It feels as if we’ve just met but also as if I've known you all my life.'

'That’s because I wang on.'

'You don’t. thank God for NCT classes. Who would have thought those awful classes run by liars would actually give me such a gift.'

'Aah, you are my gift too.'

'Right, I think we’re almost there.'

'It's funny all this walking and talking reminds me of days stomping around Bewl water, coffees and bubbas in tow. I fondly remember popping into the bakery for a latte and a brownie and an insult from the proprietor Nigel if we were lucky. Loved it. You made that time so much more precious, being able to share all. The body changes, relationship changes, everything changes.'

'Are you in touch with anyone else?'

'I do keep in touch with Laura. I’ll have to tell you about a recent catch up where she asked if it was ok if Annika and Jenny joined. I did mind but felt I had to go along with it. I don’t know about you but I definitely don’t have time for surface level conversations. If its always going to be surface level then jog on. You can just FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK off as Logan Roy loves to say.'

'I love that show. How many times have you watched it now?'

'Just the twice. I’m thinking bout a third viewing but not sure yet.'

'We've watched it once but after season one, I decided to watch with the subtitles which was a game changer.'

'I love some of the lines. What are you doing for the prekend?'

'Ha ha ha'

'You don’t hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the MySpace of STDs.'

'Ha ha ha'

'I just love Tom and Greg. Matthew McFadden is hot.'

'Ciao bella ladies'

'Hello. Ciao bella.' We walked into an extremely busy Italian restaurant adorned with photos of the owner taken with Hollywood faces.

'And here he is with al pacino…oooh'

'This place looks great.'

'You should try the saltimbocca. Its delicioso.'

'Sounds fabulous. Just great to be here with you. It's almost like we’re our own people.'

'I know who’d have thought it. Ha!'

Two glasses of prosecco appeared, and we clinked glasses and then made sure we looked each other in the eye.

‘Glad you remembered. I don’t need another seven years of bad sex.'

Ha! You're too funny. So how is all on that front?'

'Well now that we're living closer to both of our parents, we do take advantage once a month. Book them in with granny and have a night away. We went to the pig hotel recently.'

'Oooh get you.'

'I know. And Rob has a new job with a company based in Norway so I'm going to join him sans enfant and enjoy a few nights away. What about you and Eddie?'

Well, he's got a raging libido, and I'm more in my early night with a good Kristin Hannah novel phase. Think I'm definitely in peri. He'll probably leave me for a hot young thing.'

'Doubt it.he doesn’t need to. He's got the cream right there.'

'You are so kind, and my cheque is on the way.'

'So hows work?'

'Oh, you know the fast-moving world of book publishing. It's fun and gives me plenty of time to ruminate some ideas. What about you?'

'Well, I sometimes think about getting a job but then one of them tries to dig something out of the toilet and picks up a shitting bug, then it spreads like wildfire and I'm grateful I don't have work. I have come up with an idea for a podcast though. I thought I could call it something positive about family life. I feel the media in particular are always trying to decimate the importance of the family structure when I know it's so good for the next generation.'

'Goodness, you sound like Eddie. He's always talking about that at home and it's so true.'

'I know it's hard at time, but I think I can do my part…after all…if I can do this parenting/married life lark, how hard can it be?'

'Don’t put yourself down. You're a champion.'

'Cheers or salute should I say to us!'

'Salute' and with that we had the most wonderful saltimbocca and Tiramisu for dessert washed down with a healthy number of large red wine glasses.

A few weeks later I received a text with a link to spotify…what’s this…. A child is born by Helen Thorogood.

'That's my girl.'