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Fiction Suspense

"Let's go," Rebbeca told her.

Magaret did not want to go. She was terrified of graveyards. Rebbeca of course, who wasn't scared of anything, was only doing this because of a dare. Of all people, why did Magaret's best friend have to be a daredevil?

"Do I have to go? Why can't you just go by yourself?" Magaret asked.

She regretted those words when they left her mouth. She couldn't leave Rebbeca to do this by herself. What was she thinking, no matter how scared she was of this graveyard, she would have to face her fears.

"Please come with me," Rebbeca begged.

"Why, are you scared?" Magaret taunted.

She knew Rebbeca wasn't scared, but it was fun to tease her.

"I'm not scared at all," said Rebbeca.

"Fine, I'll go with you, but you owe me."

"What do I owe this time?"

It was a rare time when Rebbeca didn't owe her best friend something. She was always begging Magaret to do stuff, so she owed her something almost all the time.

"I'll decide later and I get to pick the date," Magaret said.

"Okay, okay. Let's go," Rebbeca said.

They headed in the direction of the graveyard, where they were going to stay for the night. They brought a tent, some food, spare clothes, and some water with them. They were almost there.

The girls walked down the street. They were nearing the graveyard. Magaret was tense, she didn't think she could go through with this. She tried to convince herself that it was just a graveyard and that there was nothing scary about it. Her tactic didn't work. Soon after that, Magaret was just forcing herself to keep walking.

Rebbeca on the other hand was confident. She had been dared to spend the night in the graveyard, and she was going to do it. She had never backed down on a dare her entire life, and she wasn't about to start. She felt s if dares were the only things she was good at. She wasn't exactly the smartest person in class and she didn't seem to have any other special talents either.

Rebbeca felt bad about dragging her friend into this. If their parents found out, they would be in major trouble with them. The girls knew that there was no way their parents would let them spend the night in a graveyard, so they had to trick them. They did a trick that everyone used, so they were surprised that their parents fell for it.

Magaret told her parents that she was going to sleep over at Rebbeca's house and Rebbeca told her parents that she was going to Magaret's.

Finally, they made it to the graveyard. Magaret looked around and saw the tombstones. Tombstones were sticking up from the ground every few feet. On some of them, there were dead flowers. Magaret was getting creeped out. She looked at Rebbeca to see how she was doing. Rebbeca did not seem to be fazed at all. She looked completely calm and Magaret wasn't really surprised about this.

Rebbeca always kept her calm, no matter what happened. That was one of the things Magaret admired about her. Magaret didn't see how Rebbeca could be so insecure. She first met Rebbeca in first grade, when she had to help her reach something. They got into a conversation and from that point on, they were best friends. Rebbeca was a shy, quiet girl who liked to keep to herself, and Magaret understood why.

Rebbeca's parents were always urging her to make friends. Rebbeca got annoyed by this and eventually decided to just go make some friends. That's how she met some friends online. They were very nice and they all liked writing. They even started to work on a book together. Rebbeca's parents knew about these friends and at first, they were okay with that. Then, day by day, they seemed to get suspicious for no reason. Days passed by and sometimes her parents would be happy for her, and sometimes they would be cautious of her new friends.

One day, her parents told her that she couldn't talk to them anymore. She didn't know why, but they just told her that if they found out she was in the chat room again, she would be punished. Rebbeca of course, did everything in her power to talk to them again, but her parents were so stubborn for no reason.

Eventually, she didn't know what to think anymore. Her parents had confused her. They always wanted her to make friends, but now they didn't.

From that day forward, Rebbeca hardly spoke unless she had to. In a way, she was almost afraid to make friends, she didn't want her parents to take them away again.

When Magaret met Rebbeca, she changed her life. Magaret showed her how much of a great person she was inside. Her parents made her insecure, but Magaret was the cure for this.

Rebbeca was still insecure, except for when she was around Magaret. Magaret made her feel great.

Magaret knew she had to stop thinking about Rebbeca's past. She was just distracting herself from the graveyard. One of the reasons she was there was to face her fears, she was never going to do that if she was distracted.

"Where should we set up the tent?" Rebbeca asked.

Magaret looked around for a spot where there weren't that many tombstones.

"How about over there?" she said, pointing to a spot where there was only one tombstone.

Rebbeca nodded and began to set up the tent. As she did that, Magaret looked at the tombstone. It belonged to someone named William Ryes. She began to hear a faint banging sound coming from the ground.

"Rebbeca, do you hear that?" she asked her friend.

Rebbeca nodded. Without saying a word, both girls began to dig. They dug until their hands hurt. It took them about an hour, but eventually, they hit something. It was a coffin and the banging appeared to be coming from in there.

"Should we open it?" Magaret asked.

Once again, Rebbeca nodded.

Why in the world did her best friend have to be fearless?

Rebbeca pried open the coffin and Magaret prayed that there was nothing dangerous inside, like a zombie. Magaret had a fear of zombies and couldn't watch any zombie movie, even the old, corny ones, without having nightmares.

After what seemed like forever, the coffin was open. A man quickly climbed out. He was wearing a filthy tee-shirt and jeans. The man's hair was a mess and he had a frantic look in his eyes.

"Run Rebbeca, it's a zombie!" Magaret screamed.

"Wait!" called the man.

Magaret stopped in her tracks. Zombies couldn't talk, or at least not in any of the movies,

"What do you want? And why are you in there? What's goin' on?"

"Run! He's coming!" said the man.

He sounded crazy, but Magaret, who was afraid of almost everything, wasn't going to risk her life. She grabbed Rebbeca and took off, not even sure what she was running from.

Not looking, she ran right into another man. He was holding a knife. Magaret immediately put it all together. The man in the coffin had been buried alive and now the man who did that, was coming for them too.

October 23, 2020 17:14

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35 comments

Keith Edwin
03:19 Nov 20, 2020

As several other commenters have stated, the pace of the story was a bit fast in the latter half of it. Even though there was a bit of the "info dump" involved with the online friends/chat rooms background, it didn't bother me as much as some of the others say. I would have liked to see another sentence or two at the end once the mysterious man with the knife appeared. If this was my story, I would have had either the man with the knife or the man from the coffin stop, look at the girls, and say something to the effect of "Margaret, where ar...

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Julia Boddie
12:23 Nov 20, 2020

Thank you for your feedback and I will gladly read your story!

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Waverley Stark
16:24 Nov 16, 2020

Hi there Julia! I've been meaning to get around to more of your stories. I really liked this one, first of all. I loved the ending, especially the last line, "The man in the coffin had been buried alive and now the man who did that, was coming for them too." and I really want to know more. You left quite the cliffhanger! I'm wondering how you envisioned the ending... does poor Magaret die, or does she show some inner strength? The writing style was great and I liked the personality clashes of Magaret and Rebecca together. I have a few...

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Julia Boddie
18:45 Nov 16, 2020

Thanks a lot! Also, I wasn't really sure if Magaret should survive or not, but I have been asked to make a part two so I guess I'll have to decide.

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Spencer Spencer
00:45 Nov 11, 2020

hey julia love your story!

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Julia Boddie
23:08 Nov 11, 2020

Thank you!

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Dude Man
17:22 Nov 09, 2020

Oh no..... I know some sh** is about to go down..... This story is awesome!!! Please continue it in another prompt!! I really want to know who's the man that came out of the coffin! I love that you described the relationship between Rebbeca and Margaret! It was so sad yet heartwarming too! I hope they will stay friends and that nothing bad would happen to them! Also, if you have time. Can you please comment what you thought if my story? I would really appreciate it thank you!

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Julia Boddie
18:54 Nov 09, 2020

Thank you and I will check out your story!

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Dude Man
18:55 Nov 09, 2020

Thank you so much!

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21:54 Nov 08, 2020

Ooh I'm so curious about what happens next! I loved it, you did a good job with the flow of the plot and the mystery surrounding the guy in the grave. I really hope you write a sequel!

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Julia Boddie
23:43 Nov 08, 2020

Thank you!

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Conor Thackray
21:01 Oct 31, 2020

I found there was a little too much telling rather than showing. A lot of exposition to. Information about the characters began to feel forced. LOVED the concept though, great idea :)

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Julia Boddie
22:17 Nov 01, 2020

Thank you!

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10:19 Oct 31, 2020

Good story, Read mine, if ur free Peace!!

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Julia Boddie
22:12 Nov 01, 2020

Thanks and I will read yours!

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Jennifer Osborne
18:08 Oct 30, 2020

Perfect for Halloween! Yes, write that sequel! It's hard to fit all the details you want to fit in a short story. I always go over the allotment.

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Julia Boddie
18:55 Oct 30, 2020

Thanks a lot!

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16:29 Oct 30, 2020

Well snap! That’s creepy! I’m not usually interested in scary stories but this want bad. I want to know why the guy was in the grave and the other guy was after him; now all of them. Tell me more in a sequel. Robert

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Julia Boddie
16:48 Oct 30, 2020

Thank you and I guess I will write a sequel!

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Ray Dyer
22:29 Oct 26, 2020

Hi, Julia, I know it can be a challenge to get good feedback, and--while I'm just one voice--I'll try to provide the best I can. I feel like you have a lot of story going on here for the word count that we're allotted. Maybe even two stories. We have the girl with her online friends, and we go into quite a bit of detail about them, and how they were taken away. That does a good job setting up why her new friendship is so important to her, but it doesn't seem to feed directly into what happens at the graveyard. Once we get to the gra...

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Julia Boddie
11:19 Oct 27, 2020

Thanks a lot! I will edit it if/when I get the time.

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Julia Boddie
21:29 Mar 08, 2021

Hello, sorry I haven't been on this site in a while. I just published my second book. It's a book of short stories and it has most of the stories I've written on this site. Of course, I read the terms of service so I will not get sued. Here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08XJJVR8Z Please, spread the word about the book if you can and please write reviews. Thank you so much!

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15:38 Nov 24, 2020

Nice story Julia! I liked the characters you introduced, but maybe you could alter how you introduce their past. To lengthen the feeling of them digging with their hands, you could talk about their pasts while they're doing that. You should make a note about the dirt over the grave being fresh. Since the narrative sounds like its told from the girl's perspective, the way the realize that the would-be murderer is still there could be left as a sense of dread or a question. Like, they would realize the man had been buried alive, and then mayb...

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Julia Boddie
18:51 Nov 24, 2020

Thank you for your feedback!

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Julia Boddie
19:32 Nov 12, 2020

Hi everyone. I am proud to say that I got my very first book published. I would be very grateful if any of you bought a copy and/or followed me on Facebook at: Fantasy Dreams with Author Julia Boddie. I hate pressuring people and understand if you don't want to buy one. However, if you do, here is the link and you can just copy and paste it into your Google Search bar. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08N3X672H Thanks!

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I have downloaded the book on my Kindle. So Far, I love it!

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Julia Boddie
20:16 Nov 13, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Charles Stucker
13:37 Oct 31, 2020

So... The pace slows when Margaret starts thinking about how she and Rebecca became friends. Instead of a single unbroken mass, emphasize the creepiness as they walk into the graveyard. Have Margaret literally trembling in terror and Rebecca coaxing her along. Let Margaret have bits of thoughts about befriending Rebecca, the daredevil. Then have that last part a bit more immediate. Have them help the guy out with Rebecca certain Zombies are not real. Then have Margaret spot a flashlight approaching. She mentions it and the guy say his line ...

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Julia Boddie
22:16 Nov 01, 2020

Thank you, I will update it soon!

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00:05 Oct 28, 2020

Oh Lord, I loved this short story! I did the same prompt (currently, not finished) but I could relate to the writing and the need to make friends and then can't have online ones. Awesome work Julie!

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Julia Boddie
00:28 Oct 28, 2020

Thank you so much!

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Julia Boddie
17:16 Oct 23, 2020

Can anyone who reads this and has time (and wants to) please give me feedback? Thanks!

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Of course! I love the story and its plot! It's really suspenseful and thrilling! You did an awesome job actually! Here's some tips: When you write, try to describe the background, the atmosphere, the character's personality which can best be described indirectly to not drag the story! You can also describe the characteristics and also the physical appearance of your characters, although try to ad them in small chunks here and there throughout the story instead of fitting it into the same paragraph or line. e.g. Rebecca's inky blu...

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Julia Boddie
23:27 Nov 01, 2020

Thanks a lot for your feedback! I do take it as constructive criticism and will use it to improve. I will definitely edit this story soon because I feel as if I could've done a lot better on this particular piece.

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That's great! I'm glad you took it that way!

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