Everyone Loves a Good Burning

Submitted into Contest #275 in response to: Write a story from the point of view of a witch, spirit, or corpse.... view prompt

56 comments

Funny Fantasy

"Are you going to cook me?"

I laughed, "Goodness, no." I grabbed a towel from the wash pot and wrung it. "Besides, I'm not a big meat eater." I cleaned the blood from his forehead.

"You've flooded our village?" The lad hesitated, his eyes darting around in apprehension. After agonizing moments, he summoned his courage and added, "More than once!"

The clumsy lad wasn't used to using his brain. To put it bluntly, he was thicker than a queen's mattress. "That's your ancestors' fault for building in a floodplain."

"A floodplain? What's that?"

"Perhaps I'll tell you one day, but first, tell me how this happened?"

"My horse bolted, and a limb got me."

I reached for my bottle of magic ointment for cuts and bruises and smeared a dap on his forehead. In a few seconds, the wound healed.

"What was that?" He tentatively touched his forehead. "Where's my cut?"

"It's good as new," I said as I returned the bottle. You'd think he'd say thank you or give an appreciative nod, but nope. Instead, he cringed away from me, burrowing into his chair.

"You used magic!" The lad wasn't pointing out the method of his healing. It was an accusation. "But, you denied flooding our village."

"What does that have to do with your forehead?"

He fumbled, trying to think, "Those who use magic are bad. At least that's what Father says." 

"So, healing is bad?" I searched for any sign of intelligent reasoning but was disappointed. 

"Umm, no. I guess not. I don't know. Maybe?"

The prejudice against magic is something I've never understood. I go and heal one boy, and you watch. A mob will come to burn me at the stake, or they'll kick me out of their village if they're good folk. I can't count how many homes I've had to abandon.

"Do me a favor, and don't mention your cut to anyone. Will you do that?" I had a fifty-fifty chance he'd stay quiet.

Unfortunately, luck never liked me. They came at night with the usual pitchforks, clubs, and torches—a scene I've seen too many times. I've discovered that confronting the mob works best in these situations. So, I went out to meet them.

"Hello, everyone. Where's the party?" I said.

The ringleader raised his club at me. A muscular brute that looked suspiciously like the lad I healed earlier.

"You've been accused of using magic! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"We hardly know each other. It seems personal to discuss magic with strangers. Don't you think?"

And that was precisely the problem, he doesn't think. None of them do.

"You are taking this far too lightly. We have a witness. Come here, son."

Sure enough, the boy I healed walked to his father's side. At least he looked remorseful.

"Is this the woman?"

"I'm not sure," he refused to look into my eyes. "It's too dark."

The large brute ordered for torches.

"How about now?" The father asked.

The boy didn't want to, but I could see he would not disappoint his father.

"Yes, she's the one."

The mob went wild, shouting and cursing at the top of their lungs. Several cried, "Burn her," and "Be gone." But none of their threats bothered me. In preparation for tonight, I cast a fireproof spell over me. If they attempt to burn me at the stake tonight, it would feel like a hot bath. Unfortunately, I had no spell to keep them from casting me out. I have reason, but I fear no one in this mob could understand reason.

"You all are getting worked up over nothing," I said. "Healing is no crime." I don't want to leave my cottage. The last five years have almost felt normal. Desperation rose, and I blurted out, "Haven't any of you wondered why orcs haven't raided us since I moved here? It certainly wasn't out of the kindness of their hearts."

The mob de-escalated – their single-cell brains working overtime. Even the fatherly brute paused on that one.

"Our militia frightened them off!" A man from the mob shouted out.

I laughed before I could catch myself. I've been watching our glorious militia train on Saturdays with sticks they pretend are swords. It's a farce. This militia could only overcome an orc with laughter at watching them "train."

"The militia has been around for generations. I've only been here for five years." No sign of comprehension. "The orcs haven't attacked in five years." I could only hear crickets.

"She's trying to confuse us with numbers!" One shouted.

"Cover your ears! She's trying to cast a spell over us!" Another shouted.

The mob began to get riled up and shouted for action. If I took a straw poll, burning would win over casting out. I guess I'd have to pretend to burn to death to satisfy the mob. I could scream and wince like I was in pain. I wonder if I could convincingly appear dead. That fact that I wouldn't be blackened would probably not phase my ignorant comrades.

The brute spoke up. "Quite everyone!" Once he had their attention, he continued, "We are not murderers." He looked at me, "You will leave our village and never return."

"What about the orcs?" I asked.

"Why are you still talking about orcs? Go!"

"If I leave, my protection goes with me." I can't say I'm close to my fellow citizens; after all, they came close to burning me at the stake, which put a damper on our relationship. But I don't want to see them harmed either.

"Confound it, Woman. Our militia protects us. Now, I say this for the last time. Go!"

And there you have it, yet another abandoned home. I packed and left the mob behind. I heard jeers and laughter as I walked into the wilderness. However, after a few miles, those jeers turned into shouts of panic. The church bell rang out as grunts and growls filled the night.

I would have turned back to help, but they would have hated me all the more. After all, the youngest to the oldest villager knows magic is bad.

November 09, 2024 04:49

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56 comments

McKenna Craig
01:01 Nov 11, 2024

I loved this story so much! Quite a clever idea for the prompt. Thank you for the laughs!!!

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Daniel Rogers
02:38 Nov 11, 2024

You're welcome, and thanks for reading 😀👍

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Jacqueline Monty
22:38 Nov 10, 2024

"What does that have to do with your forehead?" HAAAA! Great stuff!

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Daniel Rogers
02:39 Nov 11, 2024

🤣 Thanks

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Jace Keeler
22:20 Nov 10, 2024

“She’s trying to confuse us with numbers!” By far my favorite line lol. This was a really funny take on the prompt, thanks for the read!

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Daniel Rogers
02:40 Nov 11, 2024

Thank you, I'm so glad you liked it

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Darvico Ulmeli
16:54 Nov 10, 2024

Easy and interesting read. Well done.

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Daniel Rogers
02:40 Nov 11, 2024

Thanks, Darvico 😀👍

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Heather Rogers
14:50 Nov 10, 2024

The poor sweet witch! Always having to move. You can feel her frustration.

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Daniel Rogers
02:43 Nov 11, 2024

Yes. She's had enough moving to last two lifetimes. Thank you for your support and encouragement, Babe. Love you 😘

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12:28 Nov 10, 2024

The witch's isolation for her intelligence, and wit, make for a funny story. This is especially true with her comebacks to the brutish villagers. My favorite part is how the cogs of comprehension are almost connecting. I wonder if at the end the orcs or the humans are making the grunts.

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Daniel Rogers
02:45 Nov 11, 2024

Thank you for reading. That's a good question. At first I'd say orcs, but on further reflection, humans are a real possibility. 😂

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Anthony Andrés
07:04 Nov 10, 2024

I very much enjoyed the comedy in this story. I truly laughed out loud.

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Daniel Rogers
02:35 Nov 11, 2024

Thank you, I'm glad to hear you laughed. That's what a humorist aims for 🤣👍

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Deborah Sanders
06:13 Nov 10, 2024

I enjoyed the humour, and appreciated the message. It’s a timeless truth that people cast out that which or those who they do not understand, and cannot see that there may be dire personal consequences for their actions.

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Daniel Rogers
02:32 Nov 11, 2024

Thank you for reading. It's true, people cast out those they don't understand. It's a shame.

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Calum Mathison
02:02 Nov 10, 2024

I really enjoyed reading this. 'Thicker than a queens mattress' got me good 🤣

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Daniel Rogers
02:09 Nov 10, 2024

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it 😀👍

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Mary Bendickson
01:07 Nov 10, 2024

For a moment I thought the little guy might be on her side.

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Daniel Rogers
02:11 Nov 10, 2024

Yeah, I also wondered while I was writing. 🤣

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Linda Kenah
00:14 Nov 10, 2024

A fun, fun story! Loved it. Too many good lines-you had me laughing from start to finish. Very clever!

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Daniel Rogers
02:13 Nov 10, 2024

Thanks, I appreciate your kind comment. Really made my day 😀👍

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Eden Penfold
21:52 Nov 09, 2024

"She's trying to confuse us with numbers!" gave me a good laugh :)

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Daniel Rogers
00:01 Nov 10, 2024

It's my calling to give good laughs. 🤣 Thank you for reading 👍

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Shirley Medhurst
20:55 Nov 09, 2024

I really enjoyed your story & I’m tempted to believe there’s a lot of truth in this tale… ‘Let’s just banish anything we cannot explain….’ That’s how society treats any new information…. On another note, I spotted a teeny typo if it’s not too late to edit…. “Quite everyone!" should be “Quiet, everyone”

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Daniel Rogers
23:58 Nov 09, 2024

Thank you, and thank you for catching the typo. Unfortunately, my story was approved before I read this. However, I agree with you. I saw the theme of fearing what isn't understood about halfway through the first draft. So, I added a little to help bring it out better. I'm glad you noticed. 😀

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Trudy Jas
17:33 Nov 09, 2024

"single-cell brains" just one of the many great lines. :-)

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Daniel Rogers
19:54 Nov 09, 2024

Thanks 😀👍

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Charis Keith
18:24 Nov 19, 2024

"She's trying to confuse us with numbers!" Ahhhh! once again you had me laughing. I wish I could write with that kind of easy humor! It takes we days to come up with something funny or clever, and usually by then the week is over. Great story, Daniel! The title did it for me.

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Daniel Rogers
02:10 Nov 20, 2024

Humor can be caught. Watch sitcoms, funny movies, Saturday Night Live. Ask why are people laughing. What made the joke funny. Some writers are naturally funnier than others, but I believe all writers can use humor. Thank you for your kind comment. I'm always glad when one of my stories gives laughter.

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Ghost Writer
19:45 Nov 17, 2024

Oops. They should have kept him around. Nice story. Very enjoyable.

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Daniel Rogers
01:47 Nov 18, 2024

I'd say 🤣 Thank you for reading.

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Cosmas Broek
16:22 Nov 16, 2024

Well-written and funny! I like your writing style!

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Daniel Rogers
02:08 Nov 18, 2024

Thanks 😀👍

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15:20 Nov 16, 2024

For someone who likes stories about witches, I sure do enjoy your narrative!

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Daniel Rogers
02:09 Nov 18, 2024

Thank you very much. I'm happy I bewitched you 🤣

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13:05 Nov 14, 2024

Brilliant story and a lot of fun to read. the masses get what they 'voted' for......which is NOT what they expected!!! :)

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Daniel Rogers
02:25 Nov 15, 2024

Thank you. Good old democracy 🤣 Got to love it

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Nicholas Amato
12:59 Nov 14, 2024

Such a simple concept that was so well done. Great use of humor. And I'm glad the village got attacked at the end... they deserve it :) Well done!

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Daniel Rogers
02:29 Nov 15, 2024

Thank you. I agree (the prejudice ingrates). 😂

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