Fire crackles in my heart, autumn leaves crushing beneath

You make small circles and cross them out on the window. It's foggy and you love playing with the vapors. The warm breath blurs the view again and you continue. But there is something deep in your heart that pinches you. why! You clench your fists. Why would you love a murderer!! You wish you could pull out the soul and throw it away, it makes you angry. Angry or … upset? You don’t know. Maybe you don’t want to. Then you swirl around and return back to the cozy corner near the fireplace. Thunderstorms and it rains heavily as you feel yourself sink deep in the softness of the comfy chair. If only was my heart not so soft, you bite your lips. You glance around and look at the never-ending row of books settled neatly on the racks. You need to speak up to her, you try strengthening the heart. Fire crackling echoes the quiet library as you slowly pick up the book again. At least it something that brings you out of this world.

Suddenly, you hear the creak of the heavy door followed by the soft thud of footsteps. It instantly pulls you out of the story. Well, it’s a stormy night, you think and imagine the creepy figure stumbling in the hall slowly, staining the wooden floorboard with its muddy boots. Nope! you laugh out softly at your ridiculous imaginations but don’t look up though, just pretend no one disturbed you. trying to fall back in the story land, you hear a weak voice, ‘Nancy, there you are. I have come to take you home dear.’ Mother! You spin shocked to see her struggling to close the umbrella, standing wet on the murky floor. She sneezes lightly and then glances at you again, signaling to come. You bring her close to the fireplace, she is trembling. Ah! Poor old soul, you let out a deep sigh. You should have returned home in time, you think. ‘we will leave a little while later, better warm yourself up till then.’, you make her sit on the rocking chair. She is going to make herself sick because of you, your brain taunts. She nods and picks up the book that had toppled aside as you stood, then slowly turns over the pages. You patiently wait till she is done. In a few moments, oh how the tables turn! Now you anxiously wait at the doorstep calling her to go before its late night. But she doesn’t budge, maybe she is too lost in the book. You finally surrender when she says that she is going to stay here the whole night. Scrolling through the books, you can’t find a better one than your mother reads, and no boy, you don’t dare ask her to hand over the book to you.

This is one place you love dearly. Every time you step in, you never forget to pray for your grandfather’s grandpa, who had built this beauty on his lands and filled it with immense knowledge. Far apart from the noisy countryside, soothing evenings and nights… you smile as you count those countless hours, you had spent here every day. You look around and admire the large clear windows and the lion sculptures for the thousandth time.

Then you start running your fingers through the books again finally stopping at one. Slowly pulling it out, you blow off the dust from its top. ‘let me stay in the dark’, you read the title and without a second thought, you head forward for the rocking chair, right beside your mother. you observe the increasing silver in her hair and the wrinkles forming as she lightly mumbles words and molds in expressions while reading. At last, you sit down and open the book. But your mind’s monster is unleashed again. It doesn’t let you read in peace. The vicious memories unfold and open up their jaws on you. You have to talk to her; this is the time! Your heart budges and you agree, then start assembling the words in your brain. Mom… it's time… I need to get married… Uhm… you will love him too…I am going to visit you often…you won’t stay lonely…won’t you love…

“hon…”, her dried voice brings you back to the library, “I have been working for a long time. I am tired now…”, she closes the book suddenly. It seems as if she has remembered something. You get closer, yes! You finally have the chance.

 “I feel lonely and wrecked, broken”, she says, “life’s too hard to live, hon. It's time.”, she pauses.

 “What time?”, you ask.

“it’s time to go back to the village. me and you...”

“But you said we would never go!”, your voice trembles. You're astounded at such a flip-up.

“This place is wild. Horrible memories scare me, Nancy! Your father is dead. It’s been five years since. How long will this go? How long can it go?”

“mother, I still need to study…”, you lie.

She looks at you closely, it’s a sign you’re caught. Just tell her Nancy! Your soul punches you. tell her and it will be fine…

“mother, Uhm…”, your tongue stammers, “I need to get married…”

“you will, do not worry.”, she softens up as your cheeks burn, “I know my love will bring me joy. it doesn't matter to stay alone if you live with a man who will lighten up my heart and make me forget the vivid memories of the past. I will call him my son! life is falling short for me, I have been left with little breaths. someday, I will pass away...and...”. Your heart melts, it suddenly feels the most difficult thing to leave her.

“mother!”, you get up and wrap your arms around her, tears roll down. “it’s hard to say goodbye, it really is. But you will brighten my days till the end. Near to me…”, she hugs you tightly. But you keep on crying, stuck. How can you tell her! You have chosen the man, who killed your father. Accidently though, but still. You tremble as you visualize the car crash on him. But it only makes you love stronger. Why? You don’t know…

“come on, stand high my rose! Ladies don’t cry. They seep the tears in, they have to.”, she pats you gently. You stare her in the eyes. Those hollow, deep, tired eyes. You bite your lip, stopping it to speak. No, you won’t, you can’t. “let’s go home.”, you suddenly spin. you won't talk more. You have made a decision, hard to control. You will leave Jonathon. Will you? no! yes, you need to be strong. He is your father’s killer, your mother’s devil! But… the blossom of your heart.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

You keep walking, crushing the leaves brutally beneath. Sometimes, you think… sometimes, life feels like an autumn leaf. Away from home, abandoned…cold. It’s their fate! You laugh silently. To be in the feet of the people they once were a crown of. And here you have got to an end, turned orange before the autumn winds blew.

You grasp the free hair and secure them behind your ears. It's not the time yet, my dear. You lightly run your fingers through the lava red hair. It's not time to fly so wildly around, advertising my gaze. You look up at the bench in front where his smile burns down your soul. You suddenly lose everything. Words scatter around as you sit with him. He lovingly sees you, “I am waiting…”, his smile widens. You wish you hadn’t given him a call. Suddenly, it feels way easier to just let go. Go away, leaving him knitting the dreams while you row farther and farther until you are lost in the depths of the sea. “Jonathon”, you speak by his name, “I am going”. You mumble slowly. “ where?”, his voice shakes as he suddenly becomes desperate. You look up at his eyes and get stunned. Those eyes which always reminded you of immense power and strength, seem like a fallen pillar, crushed by the heavyweight of words it held. You hold his hands; they won’t stop trembling. “nowhere”, you quickly say, “I am not going anywhere. I just wanted if we would make … just wanted to make it sure, no… nothing, Hun”, you lower your eyes and smile. “it’s just nothing, wanted you to ride with me, flying across like the autumn leaves and crackle like the fire.” His eyes shine bright; his hands warm up. you can’t tell him; you would die before those words shouted at him. You will quietly start destroying the imagination castle you build up with him slowly, brick by brick, and keep smiling to your mother, bright and lively. You stretch your lips in the smile, which curves up into the soul and cuts it into pieces.