The chains that bind us

My mother has always been hard on me. I was expected to be the best of the best,no matter what I was in. Soccer,math,volleyball,you name it,I had to be the best at it.I always had to place first,and look flawless while doing so.It was a stressful process,but I always reassured myself that it was for my own good. Colleges would be looking for the best of the best,right? Letting my mother down would be suicide. It’s not just with academics and sports,however. My brown hair had to be perfectly curled,with no spilt ends. My makeup had to be able to cover my pimples but still look completely natural. My uniform had to be perfectly pressed,my student government pin just right. At school I’m known as “Little miss perfect” or “Mrs.Government” because of how stiff I look. Especially at church. My mother is head pastor,a very religious woman. Since I'm the pastor’s daughter,I have to set an example for the other kids. My mom sometimes drones on with speeches of me finding the perfect husband. “He must be as pristine as you!” She says. I always tell her that I’m not interested in marriage,that it would only slow me down. The future had different plans.

I sit at my desk,eye bags heavy. Tons of crumpled papers cover the floor, with scribbles of failed letters on them. I never thought this day would come. I always said I wouldn’t get married,that it slows me down. But now here I am,trying to figure out a way to invite my mom to my wedding- and leave out the part about my groom being a bride. My fiance’ walks into the room,with a fresh cup of coffee. “Evelyn,you haven’t slept in days…” She rubs my back with a look of concern. “Are you still doubting if you should invite her or not?” I rub my eyes,and slam my head on the desk. “No of course not. I want her to be there but…..she doesn’t..” I sigh and take her hands,”She doesn’t know I’m with a woman yet.” My Fiance, Lily, looks at me with a shocked face. “I thought you guys talked all the time!” I sigh again,picking up my pen. “We do,she knows I’m dating SOMEONE but...not who they are.She’s a very christan lady and...” Lily wraps her arms around me and gives me a kiss. “You never know unless you try,hun.” She gives me another kiss and starts out the door,but pauses for a moment. “And just know...I’ll be right here with you every step of the way.” She walks out the door,and I hear her car start up and leave our driveway. I touch the tip of the pen to my paper,with a lump in my throat. “You never know unless you try….” I begin to write my letter,keeping it short and sweet.

Dear Mom,

     You remember that person I told you I was dating?...Well,we are engaged. I’d like nothing more to have my mom there with me,as the one to walk me down the isle. I hope to see you there!

        All my love,

                           Evelyn.

I seal the envelope with a white wax seal,to symbolize an invitation.My mother used to teach my wax seal color meanings,so that when I send her letters she doesn’t get a scare. Putting that letter in the drop box was harder than an exam I have ever taken. I prayed that maybe it would get lost in the mail,or that she would be too busy to come. Unfortunately,that didn’t happen.When her letter arrived,I opened it with gritted teeth.

Dear Daughter

                   I’d be more than happy to attend your wedding! I always knew one day you’d find the perfect husband! From the way you describe him,my grandbabies will be beautiful! I can’t wait.

Much love,

                 Mom.

I sigh on the verge of tears. What would my mom do when she saw? Would she disown me? Maybe never speak to me again? I don’t know what I’ll do without her. I break down on the floor of the living room in tears,my sobs alerting Lily,who just got home. “Evelyn!” She drops down to the floor next to me and wraps her arms around me. “It’s gonna be ok,let it out.” I sob into her chest,her running her fingers through my hair. I should be excited,but I dread the day we are wed.

It’s the day of. My hair done up in a braided updo,my dress pinned in all the right places. My makeup was done just right. I should be nervous or excited,but i'm horrified. My mother is almost dressed,and will soon be by my side. I put my hands together,and prayed a silent prayer. “Boo!” I jumped at my mother’s voice,knowing what is soon to come. Through all the pain,I forced a laugh. “Hi mom.” She gives me a kiss and I see her eyes tear up. “Oh Evelyn honey you look beautiful!” She hugs me tight,and for a moment,there is just happiness. A gleam of hope that maybe,somehow,I would be alright. As soon as I hear the wedding music play,however,the bliss fades away. My mother turns to face the isle,as do I. She takes my hand,and two men in tuxedos open to curtains to reveal my bride.

I could see the terror form on her face. Me and my Fiance’ reading our vows,crying and laughing like any other newly weds. But my mother’s disgust and hatred was burning through me. I knew exactly what would happen as the preacher said, “Any objections?Speak now or forever hold your peace.” “I OBJECT!” My mother’s voice rang through my ears as I turned to face her. “Mom...why?” She scoffed. “Do not why me young lady! When you said you were getting married,I didn’t think you would be marrying a female!” My mother made a gagging noise,and her eyes began to tear up. “Oh the horror,I raised you better than this! I read verses to you every night! What did I do wrong?” I ran over to my mother,wrapping my arms around her. “Mom,you didn’t do anything wrong...I fell in love with someone that just happened to not be a man.” I turn to my soon-to-be wife,smiling at her. “I won’t hide it any longer.” I ran to my wife and kissed her, tears rolling down my face as the rest of my family stood up from their chairs and cheered. I hug my wife and turn to my mother again. “Mom,if you can’t accept who I love... I don’t think I can keep you around any longer. Please leave.” She started her walk out the door,and turned to look at me one last time. I turned away to let her know I didn’t regret my decision,and THIS is my new life. 

Today I got a letter.

Dear daughter, 

                         I’m sorry. I was blinded by what I believed in,so blinded that I couldn’t see my daughter through my hate filled glasses. I love you so much,and I want to see you again. You and your wife. I want to hear all about your honeymoon if you choose to come!

                                          With regret and love, 

                                                                            Your proud mama.