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Funny Fiction Fantasy

Did I make it?  Did I--

Oh, sorry. Almost got my tail caught in the door there.

You know, it’s a small tail, but it still manages to--

Did I make it in time?

I see you’re counting the money in the cash register, but when I checked online it said you close at ten and I believe it’s--

Well, when last I looked at my watch, right as I was entering your fine establishment, I saw that it was sixty seconds until ten and it surely did not take me a minute to enter what I would argue is a rather large doorway, and so I--

Goodness, I just hate doing this. I really do. You must be so eager to get home, and I don’t blame you. It is rather late, isn’t it? I just looked down at my phone a few minutes ago, and I exclaimed--

Oh dear! I’m late! I’m late to buy a present for the Queen!

Yes, I work for the Queen. Please don’t be intimidated. It’s an important job, but nothing to inspire awe and wonder. My, what a cute shop this is. It was recommended to me by the Hatter. Do you know him? Not the Calm Hatter. The other one. Yes, that one. He told me I simply had to look into this place as far as a gift was concerned, and while I don’t often take suggestions from lunatics, in this case--

Don’t worry, I won’t be long, but this is quite a delightful story that I’m sure you’d like to hear. I told it to the man in the grocery store just an hour ago before they closed, and I could tell from the way he got all red and kept looking at the clock on the wall that he was hoping the story would go on for hours, but sadly, I had other things to do.

You’re lucky I’m not a brown rabbit. Brown rabbits are notoriously insensitive when it comes to being respectful of time. I, on the other hand, am very respectful of time. I’m just not all that aware of it. It’s a fine distinction, but an important one. A very important one.

If you had a brown rabbit in here, he wouldn’t be conscious at all of how you all were so desperate to get out of here. I can assure you that I’m conscious of it, and that I will be in and out faster than you can say--

Do you have coupons anywhere? I know I had a coupon for this place. The Hatter gave it to me, but I don’t know what pocket I put it in, because all my pockets have broken watches in them. One of the watches works, but I’m not sure which one it is, which is why I’m always showing to places with barely any time to spare and--

What’s that?

Oh no, it can’t be five minutes past ten. Your door was still open when I--

Well, if you forgot to lock it, I don’t see how that could be my concern. You’re the one who isn’t worried about safety. And with so many lovely hats in here, I’m shocked that you would be so reckless as to let any old rabbit wander in off the street. Of course, I am not any old rabbit, but a white rabbit who works for the Queen, but you didn’t know that until I told you, and so you should have said something as soon as I--

Where was I in that other story I was telling you? Had I gotten to the part about losing the Dormouse? The poor thing was hiding in a kettle the entire time. It’s a good thing we found him before somebody asked for a cup of tea. I detest Dormouse in my tea, don’t you? It can absolutely ruin a good party.

Speaking of parties, I don’t know if you do discounts for special occasions, but it does happen to be my unbirthday. Please don’t make a fuss over it. I just thought I would casually slip mention of it into the conversation in the event that it meant I’d get some sort of price cut on one of these lovely hats.

Yes, my boss, the Queen of Hearts, ruler of all you see and smell, adores a good hat. It’s quite ironic if you think about it, because she’s certainly not a fan of heads. Do you have any hats that are appropriate to wear to a potential decapitation? I should mention that she never really takes anybody’s head off, but she loves shouting about it. The other day she threatened to behead half a pack of playing cards and a caterpillar, and nobody even batted an eye, because we all know her bark is worse than her--

You don’t sell watches here, do you? I realize you’re a haberdashery, but I don’t see why you couldn’t mix up the inventory a bit. A watch or a clock would be a great help to me right now, especially if it happened to be on sale. They don’t pay rabbits what they used to, as I’m sure you know, and I would love to tell my other furry-tailed friends that you were willing to help a civil servant in need of knowing the time.

Why, just last week, as I was arriving twenty minutes late to Tweedle Dum’s surprise unbirthday party--Or was it Dee? Was it Dee? I can never tell them--

I was arriving fashionably late and I heard that invisible lynx make some sort of snide remark about how I’m never on time. As if time wasn’t a frivolous concept anyway. Of all the things to keep from the other side of the Looking Glass, why on earth would we borrow time? No logic, no sense, but time we just had to have.

Not to be a bother, but could I use your restroom. All this conversation you’ve engaged me in has made me it necessary for me to use the little bunny’s room and if--

While I’m in there, you can just pick a few hats you think I’d think the Queen would possibly like and then give them to me for free since you’ve wasted so much of my time already by not showing me where the restrooms were immediately upon me entering your store and for not locking the door thereby putting me very on edge since that means any old Tom, Dick, or Alice could stroll right in and jeopardize my safety.

Seven or eight hats should do it--nothing with a high brim--although I wouldn’t object if you made it ten. Frankly, it’s the least you could do since you’ve kept me so long and now I’m sure to be late to the Queen’s latest coronation.

I’m sure she’ll have my head for it, but then again--

What else is new?

December 24, 2021 21:01

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13 comments

Shea West
02:27 Jan 06, 2022

This story taught me that brown rabbits are insensitive to time LOL I love how manic the rabbit is here in the same way he is in Alice in Wonderland. I want to calm him down a bit in both respects, but when one is heading to a decapitation I can see how the nerves might climb. This was witty and so clever!

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Graham Kinross
02:44 Jan 05, 2022

An invisible lynx? It must be tough in that kingdom, real problems with inflation and deflation. Even if he’s late, the rabbit is at least mindful.

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Kevin B
21:20 Jan 05, 2022

Thank you Graham.

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Graham Kinross
21:45 Jan 05, 2022

You’re welcome.

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Lola Red
07:57 Jan 03, 2022

Aww, this one was so cute! I really liked all of it, tbh.

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Kevin B
21:20 Jan 05, 2022

Thank you Lola.

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Kevin Marlow
01:14 Dec 28, 2021

'They don’t pay rabbits what they used to...' Always a funny read.😄

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Kevin B
17:10 Dec 28, 2021

Thank you, fellow Kevin!

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Dustin Gillham
01:42 Dec 25, 2021

Awesome work as always Kevin. Such a wonderful Christmas Eve. Cranked out my new short along with a good amount of hot cocoa and coffee. Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you and your loved ones.

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Kevin B
06:30 Dec 26, 2021

Thank you Dustin! It was definitely a time crunch this week, but I'm a big Wonderland fan so it came to me quickly, thank goodness.

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Francis Daisy
02:04 Jan 03, 2022

Re-writing all my favorite bedtime stories! Perfect! Thank you!

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Kevin B
21:20 Jan 05, 2022

Thank you Francis.

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