THE UNOFFICAL, DECLASSIFIED, SNIPE HUNT

THE UNOFFICIAL, DECLASSIFIED, SNIPE HUNT

         “That’s the thing about this city…it’s just brimming with love.” Alan said, leaning in for the kiss. The scenery was perfect. They were on top of a skyscraper, a large Valentine’s Day billboard behind them, and a view of the bustling city and its sparkling lights glittering in the dark. But Laura turned away and stood up. “Alan, there’s something that I must tell you.”

         “Oh no.” Aaron said in a whisper.

         “Oh he’s dead.” Mike whispered back.

         “Shhh they’ll hear us!” Tim shushed.

         “Oh good because there’s something I want to ask, or uh, tell, you.” Alan said, fingering the ring in his pocket.

         “Alan, I,I-“ Laura began.

         Alan fell to his knees. “Laura will you marry-“

         “I’m joining a convent.” Laura said, closing her eyes.

         “A what?” Alan asked.

         “Oh Alan I’m so so sorry, I had wanted to tell you earlier, but I didn’t think you loved me that much.”

         Alan squeezed out a breath of air as he stood up, wobbling, “Really?”

         “Yeah, I thought you were joking around so I went along with it. It was funny.”

         “Really?” Alan asked again.

         “Yes. I’m sorry. But I’ll certainly pray for you. As a nun.”

         “Nun?”

         “Yes, that’s why I’m joining the convent…to become a nun.”

         “Ok.”

         “Oh thank you Alan! I knew you would understand!” Laura threw her arms around him and gave Alan a peck on the cheek. Alan put his hand up to his cheek and stared at Laura in shocked silence.

         “Well, I better get going. I have to pack now.” Laura said. She turned around and left.

         Once she was out of earshot, Aaron, Mike, and Tim came out from behind the billboard.

         “How’d ya’ll get here?” Alan asked dumbfounded.

         “What’d ya think? We followed you here! We took cover behind the billboard and witnessed the sad tale of you and the nun to be.” Mike told him.

         “Hey! I didn’t ask for you guys to-“ Alan began. Suddenly he fell to the ground fighting with a massive orange and white cat that had landed on his head.

         “Hey! Get off me! Get off me!” Alan cried.

         “You have to listen to me! I found something amazing!” the cat said.

         “John Doe?” The 4 young men shouted in disbelief. Mike grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and shook him.

         “How many times have we told you not to speak in public cat? What if other people find out you can talk?” Mike hissed.

         “Then all of YOU will get into trouble with the government for genetic experimentation on me.” John Doe hissed right back.

         “Hey! That was an accident!” Tim said. “You shouldn’t have drank out of Aaron’s lab results.”

         “Well YOU shouldn’t have left the laboratory door open!” John Doe said raising his voice.

         “Come on now, let’s just calm down.” Alan said, his hands up in defense mode. “John, why did you attack me?”

         “I actually thought it would look normal while informing you of my discovery, unlike you guys who are standing around talking to a stray cat.” Everyone stared, startled. Then they took deep breaths and started walking.

         “So-where are we going?” Aaron asked, after they had gone through a couple of blocks.

         “Your house, its closer.” Mike said.

         “Ok, but as you know, I live with my parents so it might be better if we went up to the lab above the garage.” Aaron said.

          “Laura.” Alan sniffed. “Will I ever see her again?”

         “Of course!” Mike said gaily. “You’re a good Catholic unlike me, so both of you should wind up in the same place when you die!”

         Somehow this made Alan more depressed.

         Not long after this, they came to Aaron’s place. After greeting his parents, they went straight to the lab. There, John Doe slipped on his collar that he had removed earlier, and produced a small piece of paper that he had hidden somewhere on his person.

         “This is a map.” He stated with a wink.

         “A map of what?” Mike asked.

         “Of treasure.” I heard the street cats talking about it. Apparently, they hid the map from humans when the Chinese food restaurant close to the location closed, due to the pandemic. It took a lot of bravery and skill to obtain this here map.” John Doe tossed his head proudly and a gave an even prouder meow.

         “So what’s the catch?” Mike asked.

         “Oh nothing much. We just follow the map directly to the X and then we hunt for Snipe. They are the ones who have the treasure. But its not theirs. It belongs to modern day pirates who trust the snipe to secretly to protect their booty.” John Doe explained.

         “I trust my own self to protect my own ‘booty’” Mike mumbled. Tim laughed.

         “So, we’re going on a Snipe hunt? Cool! What are snipes? Are they human? Or are they cat?” asked Tim.

         “Oh no no no, they are some sort of other creature. Kind of like a ghost but real.” John Doe said.

         “Ghost?” Tim asked looking at Mike, who looked at Aaron who looked at Adrian who looked around the room until he found a picture of GOD as the wallpaper on Aaron’s open computer. Then he sighed in relief.

“Wait.” Mike said.

“What?” Tim asked.

“You want us to fight--Snipe?” Aaron asked.

“Yes!” John Doe sighed.

The four young men started to look around the lab, at petri dishes, at John Doe’s water and food bowls, etc.

         “What are you doing?” asked John Doe incredulously.

         Aaron stood up. “Looking for catnip.”

         “Catnip? In my litterbox?!?” he shrieked. They all looked at Mike, who was using the pooper scooper to go through John’s toilet.

         “What?” he said defensively, putting the litterbox on the floor. “He could have it stashed anywhere. Don’t you know how desperate cats on catnip are?”

         “I-don’t-do-catnip!” John Doe said through gritted teeth.

         “Oh yeah? Then why are your eyes always so red, hmmm?” Mike asked.

         “Because I can’t sleep in the day because of loud, obnoxious people who love to bang doors while others are sleeping peacefully!” John Doe retorted; ears laid flat against his skull.

         “Ok, ok we believe you John. Mike just stop rileling him up will ya please?” asked Adrian, trying to smooth the situation over. “Just…tell us again John Doe, because I don’t think we heard you clearly,”

         “Oh yes we did.” Mike said.

         Adrian ignored them. “Are Snipes ghosts?”

         “No! Of course not! We can defeat them easily if we just have a bat or a stick or something. And also a flashlight. We’ll have to capture them with our bare hands though.” John Doe said.

         “What are they then?” Adrian asked.

         “Maybe kind of like fireflies?” John Doe guessed.

         “Alright, sounds fair. I’m in.” Mike said.

         “Sounds exciting! I’m in too.” Tim said.

         “I don’t know…” Adrian said

         “Me either…” Aaron added.

         “Oh come on.” Mike said. “Aaron don’t be like that. It’s your solemn duty to join us in this endeavor so that we can convince Adrian to come along and think about capturing Snipes instead of thinking about his girlfriend callously dumping him.”

         “Well now I really don’t want to go.” Adrian said.

         “Can you be any more insensitive?” Aaron asked.

         “What?” Mike asked in perfect innocence.

         “Come on Adrian. We can all have fun capturing Snipes.”

         “What about me?” John Doe asked.

         “Your not that important. You just lead us to the X and show us how to capture Snipe.” Mike said indifferently.

         “And your role in this is limited to how much methane you can produce in two or three hours or so.” John Doe retorted right back.  

         “All right, all right I’ll go, just lease lets not be crude.” Adrian put his hands up in defense.

         “I might as well come along too.” Aaron sighed.

         “Ok, let’s rock!” John Doe raised a paw in the air and pumped it before taking off his collar and hopping up to the doorknob, which he twisted and unlocked the door. The four young men followed the talking cat (grabbing flashlights and staffs) out of the laboratory and into the night.       

***

         CIA Commander X sipped his coffee as he leaned in his seat and checked his emails on his computer. He had never wanted a desk job, but neither had he wanted to retire either. He had chosen the lesser of the two evils, and right now he was regretting it.

         Suddenly his eyes lighted upon an email from his old pal Y at the NSA. Curious, and a little excited, he clicked on it. He read it. He read it again. Just to be sure of its contents, he read it a third time. Finally he sat back in his seat and formulated a plan. Then he pressed a buzzer on his desk. Immediately a very young CIA agent, fresh from graduation, entered the room.

         “Yes sir?” he asked.

         “Mr. A,” Commander X said, “Have you ever heard of a Snipe hunt?”

         “No sir.” Mr. A replied.

         “Hmmm. Interesting.” Commander X closed his eyes. “I guess they don’t teach youngsters how to Snipe hunt these days huh?”

         “I guess not sir.” Mr. A conceded.

         “Well,” Mr. X opened his eyes. “That’s unfortunate. However, don’t regret it. I will send you and 10 agents about your age on a Snipe hunt of the upmost urgency.”

         “Sir?” Mr. A asked confused.

         “My friend at the NSA said that the algorithms picked up the sound of a group of boys talking by accessing the microphones in their phones. They were or are, going after some treasure that some Snipe are hiding. And the only way to get that treasure is to hunt down those atrocious Snipe. We will send you guys to the Snipe lair via teleportation once these young men have reached it. You will defeat the Snipe and reach the treasure before the young men do. Then you will take the treasure for this country since it serves our country’s best interests. It’s in our country anyway so its ours. Got it?”

         “Yes sir!” Mr. A half shouted. Maybe he was a little too fresh from the marine corps Commander X thought. Oh well. Time to enjoy a little mission.

***

         “Why aren’t we following the map?” Tim asked.

         “Why follow the map when you can go directly to X marks the spot?” asked John Doe.

         “I don’t know, because your supposed to?” Tim said, a question mark in his voice.

         “Nevermind, we’re here anyways.” Adrian said. The five of them stared upward.

         “It’s a wall.” Mike said. 

         “It reminds me of a castle.” Tim added.

         “Are you sure we are in the right place?” Aaron asked.

         “Of course I’m sure! See! Look at it for yourself!” John Doe handed the map to Aaron. Everyone leaned over his shoulder to look at the map.

         “Guys I can’t see with all of you leaning over me.” Aaron said, rolling his eyes.

         “Oh sorry.” The others stated taking steps backward. Aaron looked at the map again. “Hmmm, yes. We are indeed in the right spot. Sort of. The real X is actually behind this wall.” Aaron said.

         “How do we get over it?” Tim asked.

         “We get a pole and hop over it.” Mike said rubbing his hands.

         “Or we could ask whoever lives here to let us in.” Adrian said, pointing to the door nearby.

         “Right. We could do that.” Mike said, disappointment in his voice.

         They all went to the front door. A sign nearby read “Our dear Saint Helena’s Convent.”

         “A Convent!” Adrian breathed. “I think I’ll wait behind those bushes over there.”

         “Me too.” Aaron said.

         “Me three.” Mike added.

         “Now just wait a minute,” Tim said. “I can understand Adrian hiding, but you two…”

         “I’m Jewish and it’s almost Easter and my family is still on the Inquisition list. I better not take the chance.” Aaron explained.

“Ok. What’s your excuse?” Tim asked Mike.

         “Me and religious folk don’t exactly mix very well.” Mike said.

         “What?!? What about Adrian and Aaron?” Tim asked.

         “I said religious folk, not friends.” Mike said.

         “Is there a difference?” Tim asked.

         “Oh yes.” Mike nodded his head.

         Tim sighed and turned around and knocked on the door while his three friends hid behind a tiny bush which did nothing to hide them. An elderly nun came to the door.

         “Yes?” she asked.

         “Um, yes, me and my three friends who are hiding behind that bush over there are on a Snipe and treasure hunt and we wanted to fight some Snipe behind your wall over there.” Tim pointed.

         “Snipe?” She asked.

         “Yes.” Tim asked.

         “You poor, honest boy.” She said. “Yet you must learn one day. Go to the gate down there (she pointed) and I will open the gate from in here. When you are done Snipe hunting just exit the same way you came in. The gate will automatically act on its own on the inside.”

         “Thank you!” Tim told her emphatically. She shut the door quickly. The four young men and cat hurried to the gate. It was open. They went in.

         “Alright, flashlights on and staffs in hand!” John Doe hissed as he went up front and on the prowl. “Let’s catch these treasure keeping Snipes!”

         “Wait.” Tim said. “Are we being too greedy by capturing Snipe in order to get treasure?”

         “Tim, why do you have to suck the fun out of everything?” Mike asked.

         Suddenly they heard a crack of a stick. Then a crunch, crunch of leaves.

         “SNIPE!!!” They all shouted. They ran in all directions, cat John Doe included.

         Out of the trees that overhung the wall stepped 11 CIA agents, dressed smartly in hoodies and sunglasses that could see in the dark.

         “Our suspects have fled the scene sir.” Ms. J announced.

         “Good. We can focus on our targets.” Mr. A said, setting his gun on silent mode.

         “Sir I don’t see any targets anywhere around here.” Agent G said, typing on a tiny computer that sat on his shoulder.

         “That’s because they are clever and can hide their body heat Mr. G. Don’t forget what Mr. X told us in the briefing room.” Mr. A replied.

         “Yes sir.” Mr. G said.

         “Hey! I caught one!” Tim’s voice came from above.

         “Shhh! Are you crazy!?! You’ll give away our positions!” John Doe shushed him.

         The CIA agents looked up and saw Tim in the tree holding something in his fist, next to a cat. They all took aim.

         “Wait, wait! They are very delicate, like fireflies! Right John Doe?” Tim asked.

         “Meow.” John replied, ears flat against his skull.

         Ms. J took a paper bag out of her back pocket. “Come here.” She said. Tim came down from the tree. “Put the Snipe inside.” She motioned to Tim.

         “But he’ll escape.” Tim said. “Here, let me help you.” He produced an empty Spry gum container and carefully put the Snipe in it. Then he took his pocketknife and put in a very tiny hole in the top so the Snipe could breathe. Then he put the container in the paper bag.

         “Who are you guys?” he asked, once the Snipe had been put away.

         “We have the Snipe.” Mr. G said into his walkie-talkie.

         “The Mighty Snipe Hunters.” Mr. A smiled as they were all teleported back to CIA HQ.

***

         Commander X tapped his finger on the Spry gum container before him. “Are you sure this is a Snipe?” he asked.

         “Yes sir.” Mr. A said.

         “Humph.” He grunted. He had hoped to have more fun than this but oh well. Couldn’t be helped. “Alright Mr. A you can go.”

         Mr. A left. Once the door was shut, Commander X curiously opened the container. Once he did he laughed as the bug flew weakly out. “A firefly!” he exclaimed. “Well, well, well that explains things. I should have known. Snipe never get caught.”

***

When the CIA agents left, Tim and John Doe could only stare. Then they both ran to find everyone else what they had seen. They fairly jumped through a rose garden where they tripped over Aaron and Mike.

         “Ouch!” Tim cried.

         “What are you-“ began John Doe.

         “Shhh!” Mike and Aaron said.

         Tim and John were about to answer back but were distracted by a nun hugging Adrian.

         “Oh Laura!” Adrian said, tears falling down his cheeks.

         “Oh Adrian!” Laura said. “I’ve realized my mistake. I love GOD and I still want to follow him, but I want to follow him as your wife. I love you sooo much and it took me stepping back from you to realize it. I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry. Will you forgive me?”

         “Of course I forgive you.” Adrian said. “But what about your vows?”

         “Oh I haven’t taken them yet.” Laura said. “And I can leave here anytime I want.” Adrian smiled. “Perfect.”

         That was when Mike, Aaron, Tim, and John Doe saw it. The ghostly essence swirled around Adrian and Laura as they hugged each other. Quickly the foursome jumped up and ran into the couple knocking them down and shouting, “SNIPE!”

THE END