The Apara

Running from a threat that cannot be seen. Is it internal or is it real? Fear is real, Mathias thought, stopping briefly to pant against a wall corridor. But I cannot see it. His legs were moving from under him before he could think any further. The frantic sound of feet slapping against the concrete floor, echoing off every surface. No one can hear it. Corner after corner he zipped around, expecting to come across something that would change the fear in his heart. He let his hopes rise and fall over and over. The symbols on the wall had to stand for something, a path to an exit, or better yet, an antidote to his terror. Skidding to a halt, he drew close to the odd shapes clinging along the wall. With trembling energy, there he traced first with his eyes and then with open palms. Hieroglyphic, but there is certainly something more. He felt a persistent energy emitting from the strange symbols. There was no sense in trying to decipher them all, but could he feel their meaning? A ridiculous thought, but perhaps.. Channeling focus into his fingertips, he allowed himself to draw more from the strange stony surface. He could feel his body drinking it in, as if the wall were an organic spirit who had just found a fresh host to latch onto. Mathias began to tremble all over, what is happening to me? Dropping to his knees, he felt an overwhelming sensation harbor in his chest, as if all the breath from his lungs had been vacuumed out. Trembling hands shot up to clutch at his throat, but passed clean through him. He yanked one of them up to his face, but saw that it was nearly transparent, the wall visibly clear through one ghostly hand. He made to shriek out but could register no sound, horror began to constrict his rational mind, am I in a dream? No. No. Get it together. Mathias returned to his feet, with the acute awareness that he was now lighter than air. He turned his attention back to the wall. The wall. Drawing an eager hand back up to it, he found himself stumbling forward as his palm passed seamlessly through the solid concrete, head and shoulders tumbling along after it. Before his brain could sort through what was happening, he found himself sitting on the opposite side. On the outside. Free. But before he could let out even a hesitant sigh of relief, his vision drew to an unnatural sight. It was unlike anything Mathias had ever witnessed. There were trees and grass around him and a sky above him, but they appeared anything but normal. Everything seemed to lack the colors and fabric that made the natural world feel alive, as if all the matter before him had been drained of substance and then bathed in a holographic white and gray. Blurring and sharpening images occurred in the body of the environment, changing in a natural rhythm. Mathias was sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. He suddenly had a sick feeling that this place was more alive than any place he had ever known. 

A creeping mass of fog made its way into Mathias's line of sight, and without much consideration, he followed. There is something familiar of this place, he studied as his feet practically hovered toward the fog, but he could not quite place it in his memory. Reaching the entrance, Mathias was surprised to find that he could see clearly through the creamy mists that surrounded him. As he ventured further in, his eyes made out a dark figure in the distance; whatever it was seemed to be standing over a pond at the edge of a dock. Mathias didn't dare get his hopes up. What is there to believe? Nothing feels wrong or right here. As he neared the mysterious figure, a strong force halted his movements, freezing everything below the neck. Fear pounded through his body once more. “Do you recognize this place, soul traveler?” The deep sound of a man’s voice permeated through his head; it seemed to be nothing more than a faint echo of his own thoughts. Mathias’s breathes came in short heavy rasps as he fought to control his terror, is there no sound in this ghostly realm?! If he had not already lost his mind, he was sure he would soon.

“There is no need for sound here, Apara. Not for you, not yet. Only what can be felt.”

Apara?

“Look past the waters, at the particles floating over it. What can you take from them?”

Seeing as Mathias could neither move nor hear, he figured he might as well explore how his vision served him. Studying the particles, he noticed their similarity to the rest of the environment – rhythmic blinking – sharpening images followed by harsh blurs. Focusing as best he could, Mathias found that he could draw nothing more from his surroundings aside from the unsettling quiet and numbness that seemed to distinguish this unusual place. Blinking a few times, he attempted to refocus his vision, to see what was missing. Impatience began to settle in, when goosebumps suddenly began to prick at his skin, followed by the familiar sensation that accompanied the gust and chill of air currents. He stood shocked. I can feel it, it’s so far away but I can feel the wind.

“This is the gift of the Apara, Mathias, to feel and be able to understand. Now look inside yourself, focus on what is there.”

No, he tensed. I can’t. The feeling is too intense, the fear controls me.

"You must," echoed the voice louder now in his head now. "The particles of the wind are few and simple, they are easy to feel. Inside of us, these particles grow in number and complexity. Focus cannot be used alone, you must also incorporate acceptance and understanding. Once you are able to observe all particles within you as the same, without pushing against them, then you can begin to understand yourself..." the voice in Mathias's head pausing briefly. "Then you can begin to understand others."

I don’t want to understand, no one ever sought to understand me, why should I act any different?

“The reason you are in this very place is that you are different. Because you were chosen.”

Chosen by who?

“Do you recognize this place, Apara?”

Why do you keep asking me that? And would you kindly release me from whatever invisible force is holding me here? Without the slightest movement from the dark figure, Mathias’s body went slack with relief. He bent his chest over his knees, letting out a deep breath that he hadn’t been aware he was holding. The lackluster wooden boards beneath him soaked up his vision. Mathias was so focused with breathing that he nearly missed the rough etchings at the end of one of the boards.

Matty 7

Daddy 36

Momma undisclosed age

The engravings carved out one under the other. Mathias would have let out a gasp if he could, the dock behind my old house…this place is a model of my childhood home. He could never forget how long it took his Mom to carve out ‘undisclosed.’ “Momma that’s not a number!” he had exclaimed. Why? Mathias snapped back to his new reality, Why does this place resemble my old memories?

“All people who enter this world see it differently, Apara, how they would want to see it.”

He could not deny that his fear had dissipated some after this realization. If this world is going through such great extents to change me…then maybe it is time to look within myself.

“You would not be the first in your lineage to come to this understanding,” echoed the voice in his head once more.

What are you saying... that my parents became this- Apara?

“Your mother, yes. Think back to memories of her, how she seemed to be the only person to truly understand the emotions you felt, some before you even realized were there.”

Mathias suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of awe and shame wash over him as memories of his mother and her constant understanding for him flooded his mind. She knew… he felt hot tears begin to prod his vision. How else could she understand if she had not gone through it herself?

“You are destined for more, Mathias. To help the likes of loved ones and strangers alike, but there is a lot you must learn before I send you back to your home realm.”

Mathias wiped a tear from his cheek and took a deep breath, feeling a hum rise in the back of his throat. “Okay. I’m ready.”