Contest #91 winner 🏆

Autumn Rain

Submitted into Contest #91 in response to: Set your story in a library, after hours.... view prompt

430 comments

Fiction East Asian Sad

Trigger warning: Talk of self-harm and suicide


Have you ever had this feeling? Like you’re a helium balloon with your string cut. A rotting piece of wood adrift in the vast ocean.

Does saying it like that make me sound too pretentious? Thinking I’m some kind of literary youth. Of course I’m not. I’m just sad. Sad people tend to be under the impression that they’ve been possessed by Li Bai and suddenly know the gruesome secrets of the universe through a few lines of poetry.

Second year of university; my life is great. All the sad things from the past can be thrown to the back of the mind.

So, my life isn’t sad.

I’m sitting in the library after hours because it’s raining outside and the librarian feels sorry for me.

Lin Yu. My name.

In Chinese, it’s written like 林雨. The first character is my surname – it means woods. The second character means rain. Don’t know whether my parents did this intentionally, but if you add three dots to the first character, make it 淋雨, and it means getting rained on.

The pronunciation is the same.

My brother’s name is Lin Qiu, written like 林秋 – the second character means autumn. Our names put together are autumn rain. Quite poetic, isn’t it? But it still makes me wonder why my parents couldn’t have just had one son named Lin Qiu Yu, rather than fracturing the name over two children.

Because what happens when one is left without the other?

Autumn rain paints an image of people walking with colourful umbrellas across a scenery of red, orange and yellow leaves.

Rain on its own is only grey.

The library was my brother’s favourite place. The librarian also let him stay after hours. It was because she liked him in the way of a favoured son. Not because she pitied him. Well, maybe she did when she learned that he had to give up dancing to take care of our mum.

Stage three ovarian cancer.

Why didn’t our dad take care of her? Why didn’t I?

Why him?

Dad didn’t think that work was more important than mum – he wasn’t that kind of person. It was just that someone needed to be working for the money.

I didn’t think that ballet was more important than mum – I’m not that kind of person. It was just that someone needed to be worthy of dreaming.

My brother – Ge’ge as I called him, had gripped me by the shoulders in the hallway of the hospital.

“Never give up on dancing, xiao’yu,” – it was a nickname; it meant little rain. “Please.”

“You’ll start dancing again when Ma’ma gets better, won’t you?” I said.

His face darkened, then he held my hand. “Come, it’s time to go home.”

I understand now that he didn’t think mum was going to get better. That he could have started dancing again. That there were more roads to dancing than professional.

But I pushed for that dream, our dream, until I lay each night with an aching body, but still dragged myself out of bed at four in the morning. Until the studio’s practice room became my almost-home, and the smell of sweat and huffs of exertion were perfume to my skin and music to my ears.

The rain beats louder on the glass. I look up at the highest shelf. I used to be able to put my leg up there. Bend my limbs in ways that would make you think they were made of rubber. Do you even have bones? People liked to ask me.

If I do that now I might pull a muscle and not be able to walk for a week.

My ballet teacher used to say: You don’t practise for a day and your body can feel it. You don’t practise for two days and you can feel it. You don’t practise for three days and everyone else can feel it.

My three days have piled into months by now.

My brother was always gentle. I was always getting hurt.

“It’s all right, just squeeze my hand. It’ll be over in a few seconds.”

My eyes were already blurry with tears and my throat raw with swallowed screams. I could bear injuries. One time, I danced an entire concert with a fractured ankle. But for some reason, the moment my brother appeared before me, my cheeks gave way to rivers.

The doctor snapped my knee back into place and I cried into my brother’s chest for fifteen minutes.

“好了好了哭出来就好,回家哥哥给你做好吃的。” It’s okay, it’s good to cry it out, when we go home, Ge’ge will make you something delicious.

我想哥哥做的糖醋排骨了。

I miss the sweet and sour ribs that Ge’ge made.

I find that I’ve been thinking in Chinese more and more nowadays. Probably because I miss him. Miss how him and mum used to yammer at each other in Shanghainese. He spoke to me in Shanghainese on occasions.

I understand it, but I never learned how to speak it.

That’s not what I’m sad about.

I pick up a book and try to read, but the lighting is too dim, and the words are just a blur of black.

“Yu,” the librarian says. “The rain has stopped.”

“Thanks,” I say, picking up my bag.

Maybe she sees some tears in my eyes, or maybe I just look sad. “Are you okay?” she asks.

I smile. “I’m good,” I reply. “Thanks for asking.”

The pavement has been washed clean. Are you okay? Can that question really change things? Is saving a life truly one question away?

If so, I should have asked. Should not have assumed that my brother would be fine after mum was cancer-free. That under his long sleeves in summer there was smooth skin. That in his heart, there wasn’t an invisible darkness.

Perhaps his name even foretold it. Add a heart, 心, xin, under the character for autumn, 秋, qiu, and it becomes 愁, chou – to worry. When worry builds up, the weight is crushing. Even when that worry isn’t needed anymore.

All Ge’ge had done was worry. Worry about mum and her possible relapse. Worry about dad and the stress of his work. Worry about me.

哥哥最疼我了。

Ge’ge was the one who cared for me the most.

疼, teng, on its own means hurt, pain, but you add 我, wo – me, and it becomes to be looked after, cared for. 

心疼, xin’teng. The first character is heart. The second character is hurt. It means to care about a person, feel that twinge in the heart when they are in pain.

I care so much that my heart hurts for you.

My heart hurts for him now, but he’s gone.

I stopped dancing because the dream had shattered. It can’t be our dream anymore. Because he’s gone.

Dead.

Left the world, not with the comfort of being held, but with his final breath entrusted in a blade about to cause the most irreversible of damages. A cut can heal. A deeper cut can scar. But there is a point where deep becomes too deep.

No amount of stitches and bandages can piece it back together. No amount of ‘are you okays’ and ‘I love yous’ can fix anything now. You are not alone. I am here for you. You are loved. More than you will ever know.

哥哥,就让我疼疼你吧。

Ge’ge, just let me care for you. 

It starts raining again, and I stand there. Being rained on.

I close my eyes and listen to it. I think of autumn with its red, orange and yellow. My body moves with the rain as my music. My muscles are stiff, but my limbs remember the thirteen years of aches and sweat masked to move in a way that makes my body into art.

My heart hurts. Because I hurt. And I dance. Because I love.

Arms batting the rain. Reaching out for an umbrella, a warm body, someone to hold me in the rain.

你说你是哥哥我是弟,你要为我遮风挡住雨

You say you are the older brother and I am the younger brother, so you will block me from the wind, and shield me from the rain.

你说你是哥哥我是弟,我也为你遮风挡住雨

You say you are the older brother and I am the younger brother, so I too will block you from the wind, and shield you from the rain.

Because when I dance, I don’t dance about autumn, I don’t dance about the rain.

I dance about autumn rain.              

April 29, 2021 10:29

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430 comments

染 刘
02:00 Feb 07, 2023

写的太棒了

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Yolanda Wu
21:29 Feb 07, 2023

谢谢!

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Deborah Razz
05:00 Jan 03, 2022

Beautiful story, full of love and warmth and then sadness.. For me, however, the sentences/phrases in a foreign language was jarring. It took me from the scene that I was enjoying in the story. All in all...very well written.

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Luke Zeng
12:38 Aug 14, 2021

this is amazing, this inspired a english hating high school student to create an account

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Yolanda Wu
00:47 Aug 15, 2021

Aww, I'm so glad this story could inspire you, Luke, that means a lot.

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17:20 Jul 13, 2021

What a heart wrenching story. Lovely imagery and some great lines. Loved this no end.

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Yolanda Wu
21:37 Jul 13, 2021

Thank you, Neel!

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Andrea Magee
07:44 Jul 07, 2021

I felt this beautiful tale of sorrow....well done.

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Yolanda Wu
05:58 Jul 08, 2021

Thank you, Andrea!

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Julia Mondale
21:05 Jun 26, 2021

Such a beautiful emotional roller coaster I feel I just went on! I felt the kindness of his brother and pain of loss through your words. I loved the details of what a sacrifice being a professional dancer is and how you wove that into his thoughts. Great job, I’m going to have to read your other stories too!

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Yolanda Wu
00:41 Jun 27, 2021

Thank you so much for reading, Julia!

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Rachel Kirk
06:55 Jun 19, 2021

I have no words Yolanda this was amazing. The way you portrayed every emotion, I’m blown.

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Yolanda Wu
07:40 Jun 19, 2021

Thank you, Rachel!

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Ananya Kabir
03:42 Jun 18, 2021

Alright, who cut the onions?

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Yolanda Wu
03:50 Jun 18, 2021

Haha, I've got a whole batch of them.

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K. Antonio
20:20 Jun 17, 2021

Yolanda, I'm angry at myself for not having read this sooner! Ugh, I LOVED THIS. It's so deceivingly simple (not the way it's written, but the words), yet the narrative voice of your main character is steady throughout the entire story. He speaks right from the beginning in such a passive, almost wounded tone. I really enjoyed how the story was layered, how it had this almost free-form structure that swayed from present to memory, how it's fragmented but so laced with emotion. The wordplay using names, adding adjectives to the characters ...

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Yolanda Wu
21:38 Jun 17, 2021

Thank you so much, K.! When I was writing it, I was sort of just letting Lin Yu take me through the story he wanted to tell, I'm glad you liked it. Funny thing is, the novel I'm working on currently is actually an extension of this story. I'm trying to write it entirely in Chinese (which is a challenge), but I'll probably translate it to English afterwards.

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"You are not alone. I am here for you. You are loved. More than you will ever know." Wow Yolanda, I almost have no words to describe how incredible this story is. First of all, the love the main character has for his brother is written so beautifully, and even though you do discuss some really hard topics, it is written in such a way that instead of sounding like a sad story, it sounds like a beautifully tragic song. Whenever I read your stories I always feel like they are written just like a fairytale, your use of imagery is always so perf...

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Yolanda Wu
04:53 Jun 12, 2021

Thank you so much, Alainna! Your comment has really made my day, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

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Lia Nina
12:01 Jun 08, 2021

What a heartbreaking story! I really appreciate your use of Chinese in the story (even though I don’t know Chinese) because it adds an extra level of intimacy to the story :)

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Yolanda Wu
21:22 Jun 08, 2021

Thank you for reading, Lia!

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Arya Jackson
19:36 Jun 07, 2021

Beautiful Story. I also love your profile picture!

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Yolanda Wu
22:20 Jun 07, 2021

Thank you, Arya! My profile pic was drawn for me by my best friend, and I'm in love with it as well. :)

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Shirley Smith
15:00 Jun 06, 2021

This is a beautiful story and I can relate to the worry of taking care of a sick mom. My mom is sick and I have been her caregiver for about twelve years now. It is definitely a challenge watching a sick loved-one. But, your story is a beautiful one because it feels so genuine and it was about love. I enjoyed reading it and the 'Chinese' writing put depth in it. I also felt truth in your writing and that's what makes a story interesting and alive, thank you Yolanda. Please keep writing and I look forward to reading your other stori...

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Yolanda Wu
22:51 Jun 06, 2021

Thank you so much for reading, Shirley! I'm glad it spoke to you. :)

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Nidhi Gupta
17:32 Jun 04, 2021

This is so gorgeous!

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Yolanda Wu
23:49 Jun 04, 2021

Thank you!

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13:28 Jun 03, 2021

Wow wow. More grace dear.

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Yolanda Wu
21:20 Jun 03, 2021

Thank you!

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Oumaima Nouri
16:54 May 28, 2021

Hey, just wanted to say your story is really hearttouching.I’m from germany and i choosed your story for an english project .I have to write a summery about your story and what I like/dislike.I just got one question.Is the beginning before she was sitting in the library or after it?

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Yolanda Wu
00:11 May 29, 2021

Thank you for reading, Oumaima! Lin Yu is sitting in the library at the beginning.

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Fezan Javed
06:38 May 27, 2021

Simply Beautiful! I am speechless!

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Yolanda Wu
08:23 May 27, 2021

Thank you!

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Kayleigh Foord
09:31 May 26, 2021

this was amazing, but now im crying

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Yolanda Wu
10:55 May 26, 2021

Thank you for reading, Kayleigh!

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Tarushi Parmar
09:39 May 22, 2021

Amazing story .Love how you have mixed poetry. Loved each and every line ,lines like "A cut can heal. A deeper cut can scar. But there is a point where deep becomes too deep" . And the way you played with the names was great.

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Yolanda Wu
12:51 May 22, 2021

Thank you for reading, Tarushi!

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Adia G. Mundia
10:53 May 21, 2021

Wow! powerful story there. I am SOOO moved! It is the kind of story that causes somebody to cry but its also the kind of story that you'd come back to read over and over and over and over again.

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Yolanda Wu
11:02 May 21, 2021

Thank you so much for reading, Adia!

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