Café

I used to think that cheating was the worst thing you can do in a relationship, but now sitting here in front of my husband crying my eyes out, trying to understand how we ended up in this place I realize that maybe cheating is not the worst, maybe losing the trust, losing the faith you used to have in that relationship is the worst thing that could happen.

So let me start at the beginning, my name is Alicia, I am 29 years old I have been married for three years, last month has been really rough on me; my husband told me he was leaving me, not for another person, not because he fell out of love with me, but because he just didn't know if this was the path he wanted to take with his life. So today after a month of crying and asking God why the situation has been put in my life, I am going to see him. I am going to see Tony and we're going to talk about it. I truly wish I was strong enough to not cry in front of him again, but this man has been my rock since we were in high school.

We met freshman year of high school, he was my best friend, he was there when I was going through my parents divorce, he was the first person I told when I had my first kiss, when I went on my first date, when I had sex for the first time he was the first person I told. Then throughout the years we realized there was something between us and that we wanted to explore it, so we did. We went on our first date in senior year, it was perfect. He took me to my favorite amusement park, we ate our favorite meals and then we had the best first kiss ever, at that moment I knew that this man was going to be mine forever. But now here I am waiting for him in a cafe because I'm not strong enough to see him at his new place or at our old place. I'm waiting for him and I'm waiting to tell him off, I want to yell at him for making this past month the worst month of my life. I thought I would never go through what my parents went through. I swore I would never go through what my parents went through; not knowing what is going on, the uncertainty of the situation.

Now I am sitting in a café waiting for him to arrive, hoping to not fall apart in front of him. I can't help but stare at my phone to check the time every two minutes. We agreed to meet at 1:00 this afternoon, it’s 1:20 now and he still hasn’t showed up. He is never late. Out of the two of us Tony is the punctual one. I wait for what feels like ages but then, he finally arrives. I see him, standing in the doorframe, wearing some jeans that I gave him for his birthday last year with a white t-shirt and a faux leather jacket that he wore on our first date. Maybe that’s a good sign.

He walks towards me, I stand up to greet him and I see his gorgeous deep brown eyes. Those eyes that kill me everytime I see them. Those eyes will be the death of me and to think that I used to think brown eyes were boring because I had brown eyes. He gives me a sad and awkward smile, the smile he gave me the day he told me he wanted to leave. I know that today is not going to be a good day. “Hi” he greets me simply. “Hi” I mirrored him. I invite him to sit down. “Do you want to order something?” I ask him half hoping that he would just get to the point. “I am not really in the mood for coffee right now” he replies. “Wow, I have known you since we were fifteen years, I don’t think I have ever heard those come out of your mouth.” I try to joke to see if he smiles a little, and then I hear it. His laugh, that amazing laugh that just brings butterflies to my stomach, that makes me feel like I’m 18 again on our first date. Maybe I’ll get good news today.

“I don’t either, now that I think about it” he jokes. “I missed this, I missed you”. His smile leaves his face and is replaced by a sad almost somber one. “I missed you too. But I still don’t understand why you would do this to me…” I hesitate to go on, but now is the moment to express what I couldn’t a month ago. “To us. Am I not enough anymore?”. When I say this he looks hurt, as if I had offended him. “It’s not that and you know it. You are more than enough, I truly believe I don’t deserve you”. “Right now I agree with you on that”. I say show how hurt I am. “Can I explain why I wanted to leave?”. Wanted, that's what caught my attention. Maybe he doesn’t want to leave anymore. But what would justify him making me go through this? “Fine”. I reply coldly.

“All I ask is you hear me out completely, no interruptions please” I just nod my head. “First of all I want you to know I love you with all my heart, I think you are a strong woman who has gone through a lot and I love the woman you’ve become because of it, and I hate myself for being a reason for your hurt now” I just to interrupt him and tell him that I hated him for a month too but I know how important it is to him to not be interrupted to feel heard, so I just waited. “Two months ago I was at a bar with some of my friends and you know how they are…” He looks away. “They started flirting with other women and talking about how much stuff I’ve been missing out on since we got married so young, in their opinion. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but then I got home and saw you sleeping soundly and started to think all the things that maybe you have missed out on because of me and hated that I could be a possible reason for you to be held back.” I couldn’t believe it, how does he dare? How does he dare to think for me? He sees my shocked and angry face, so he goes on. “I know, it wasn’t my place to think about your feelings without asking, but then the next month we could stop worrying about our house payments, our jobs, our salary not being enough while our friends went out to drink and on vacation and just being fun people our age. So I did what I thought was best for you”.

“I thought I would give you the chance to see what life could be without me, but for this past month my life has been the worst because my life is not a good life without you. And I just want to apologize for doing something so stupid and if you can’t take me back I understand it completely”. He stops talking and he just looks at me, I am in shock how could he do something like this? Play with my emotions like that. No, I am not going to internalize this, this time he is going to hear me out.

“How dare you? How could you do something this stupid? I am not an object, you can’t just make decisions for me, I am a grown woman! If I don’t tell you I am unfulfilled with my life, don’t assume it! I hated you for a month, I thought you had cheated on me” When i say that you can see his heart breaking through his emotions. “And for you to come back like this and tell me it took you a month to realize how messed up it was for you to do this, is honestly a slap on the face, I don’t even know if I can forgive you”. I get up and walk out before the tears that have been threatening to come out, actually run down my face.

He follows me out the café, something he has never done during any of our arguments because he thought that made people look desperate, but he is following me today, maybe he is sorry. I stop and turn to see him, he is crying. I have only seen him cry once, and that was the day we got married. That stupid, perfect day when we shared our vows and promised for better of for worse. Maybe this is the worse part, “how do I know you won’t do it again?” I question him. “I think you just have to trust me on that” he replies with tears coming down his face. I walked towards him and kissed him, partly to comfort him and partly because I want to see if I still feel the same way and I do. I feel like it was our first kiss all over again, the butterflies are back, the bushing is back, my Tonio is back. “But I promise if you do this again I will kill you Tonio, got it?”

He just nods while laughing with that amazing laugh of his.