I open my eyes slowly as the distant horizon swallows the sun. I give myself a moment to shake the grogginess from my brain. I don’t need an alarm clock to wake me up. I have an obnoxious neighbor who binge watches Law & Order every evening at six like clockwork. Oh well, another sleepless day and I couldn’t feel happier. I mean who doesn’t like the task of staying out all night searching for their next meal, right? I know I do, and I kinda have to or I’ll die. It’s like a sacred code or something.
Like a zombie digging its way out of a grave, I remove the silk sheets from my naked body. What...don’t judge me, I like sleeping in the nude. The silky sheets feel so soft and smooth against my light pale skin.
I know what you’re thinking, silk sheets in a coffin?
Think again buddy, coffins are so sixteenth century, and it's not my style.
I slide over to the edge of the bed and reach down to find my pink bunny rabbit slippers. They're so soft and fuzzy, I love them. I get up and make my way to the bathroom. I’ll spare you the dirty details of the next few minutes, and skip ahead to brushing my teeth.
Did you know that blood stains are super hard to get off your teeth? Well, now you know. I grab my Supersonic Ultra Power Extra Strength toothbrush and scrub those pearly whites to a sparkling shine.
Feeling satisfied, I stroll over to my vanity mirror. It's so freaking hard to put your make-up on when you can’t see your own reflection. Lucky for me I found a way around that. I have a huge collection of Cosmo magazines and I learned all the neat tricks. I grab a tube of ruby red lipstick and quickly realize that it's not my color. I prefer midnight black, it really brings out my complexion. With matching eyeshadow and mascara my look is almost complete. I brush my short silky back hair and spray on some hair spray for good measure and now my look is complete.
“Amber Rose, you are one sexy woman!” I say.
I get up and walk towards my apartment door, and realize I forgot to put my clothes on.
“Shit,” I yell.
I run with great haste over to my closet to pick out some clothes. I kick off my bunny slippers like a soccer player trying to score a goal. I grab my shiny black leather pants and matching knee high boots and put them on. I complete this look with my black burlesque steampunk steel boned overbust leather corset.
Yes I know it shows a lot of cleavage, but I have the right to be sexy.
Plus, it makes my job a lot easier.
“Now the hunt can begin,” I say.
I know what you're thinking. Why don’t I just hunt in this apartment complex? The answer to that question is pretty straightforward. If I did that, it would bring a lot of unwanted attention to myself. I don’t want or need that. Besides, it’s a lot more fun to eat out.
I head to my usual hunting grounds, The High Life Lounge. Here you can find all kinds of tasty treats. I sit down in a corner booth and look around to see what the menu has to offer. I see a sleazy fat guy wearing blue denim overalls scarfing down a chili dog. My gag reflex goes into overdrive. Fat people don’t taste good and they have too many calories.
Next, my attention turns to a very handsome young man wearing a grey business suit. He has a slim build and my taste buds start to tingle. Then I see him drink one beer after another. That's a big no for him. Alcoholics don’t taste good either because you get a nasty after buzz.
Then like a miracle from hell, I see my perfect meal. An older gentleman eating a nice healthy salad. He is wearing brown corduroy pants and an ugly grandpa sweater. You have to understand that people who eat healthy taste very good.
They taste like candy, and I love candy.
“Mmmm...tasty,” I say to myself.
I get up and walk towards him taking extra special care to blow off all the one liners from the desperate men who just want to have sex with me. What is it with guys anyway? They see a fine young woman and think they can have me with some magical phrase.
I wasn’t born yesterday, no sir.
A thousand years ago is more like it.
As I approach the old man, I notice that he quickly takes a sip of his water to clear his throat. He looks up at me with wide eyes and says, “Can I help you?”
I give him a devilish smile and say, “How’s the salad? May I join you?”
To my surprise he says, “Well, I don’t like to play games. Do you wanna get out of here?”
All men are pigs, I think to myself.
“Sure!” I say. “Let’s get out of here, I need a bite.”
He quickly rises and says, “I’ll give you something to bite, come with me.”
The dirty old man leads me to a back alley. He grabs my arm and throws me against a wall behind a green smelly dumpster. He puckers his lips and leans in close to kiss me. I dodge his old wrinkled lips and lunge towards his neck. As my sharp fangs rip into his flesh and I taste his sweet blood, my senses start to tingle. My entire body ignites with ecstasy as I drain his life away.
I drop the dead carcass to the ground and say “This was too easy, you pervert!”
Six months later I find myself in a pickle. A deadly virus called Red-29 decides to rear its ugly head. It's a deadly disease that can kill anyone and everyone who gets it, even me. I survived the black plague and Covid-19 but this is a whole new beast. I can no longer go out and hunt for my food, because I’m afraid of catching it.
Yesterday I tried to eat my landlord, but that didn’t work out so well. My plan was to personally hand him the monthly rent allowing me to get close to him. When I got close to his neck I heard him cough, and I ran away screaming in utter horror.
Just this morning I tried to eat the cleaning lady who was vacuuming the hallway. That didn’t work out either. When I heard her vacuum just outside my door, I asked if she wanted to come in for some cookies. When I smiled, she must have seen my fangs because she took off screaming. Maybe that was a good thing because she looked like she had a fever.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so hungry. I try to pass the time away by sleeping, but the insatiable hunger always wakes me up. I wish I could go out and feast on a nice young bodybuilder. They taste so good and I always feel so hyped up afterwards. Hell, I could even go for an overgrown country boy at this point. Beggars can’t be choosy, after all. Anyone would do, I need to eat someone or I might die from starvation.
Then like a beacon in the night, the solution came to me in the form of the Law & Order theme song from next door.
“That’s it! I can eat the Law and Order guy!” I say.
I grab my box cutter from the closet and start cutting a small opening in the wall next to his apartment. The walls are sheetrock so cutting through is pretty easy. Lucky for me the hole leads directly into his closet, so he won’t notice me until it’s too late. My plan is to sneak in when he goes to sleep, and take him. I know it’s a little cliché but let’s face it, nothing’s original anymore.
With my hole cut in the wall, I wait until he goes to bed to sneak in. I am quiet as a mouse, and I notice a ton of vitamin and supplement bottles on his kitchen counter. This is a good sign, because he must be a health nut. He must be a very careful person when it comes to this pandemic. There’s no way he could have the virus.
I tiptoe into his bedroom, and I have to admit that he looks like an Angel lying there sleeping. His black hair glistened in the moonlight, and I could see his rippling muscles through his bed sheets. My mouth starts dripping with anticipation of the meal to come.
I gently crawl onto his bed, and I inch my way closer and closer to his neck. I can smell the sweet aroma of his blood, and I give in to temptation. I open my mouth wide and notice the silhouette of my fangs against the wall beside me. As I dive in for the kill, he reaches up and grabs my neck. He squeezes hard and I start to choke. I can feel my lungs scream out for air.
He wrinkles his forehead as he sits up. “I knew you’d come for me sooner or later!”
I try to scream, but I can’t speak. I grab at his hand around my throat and try to break free.
“Do you think I’m stupid? I know what you are!”
I can feel his hand squeeze harder around my throat like a vice. “I’ll let you go on one condition!” he says.
I nodded my head the best I could, and he let me go. I start to cough and gasp for air. A few minutes went by and I saw him staring at me.
“What do you want?” I ask.
He starts to crawl towards me and softly whispers in my ear, “I want you to turn me.”
I pull away from him and ask, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I want you to turn me into a vampire just like you!” he shouts. “I want to live forever!”
I smile at him, and inch my way closer to him. Just as he did with me, I whisper in his ear.
“I’m not a vampire.”
I strike like a cobra with deadly intent. My fangs rip through his neck like a roaring monster from hell. I drain every last drop of blood from his pathetic body. My own body now feels rejuvenated and my insatiable hunger is sated. I rise up from the bed and before returning to my apartment, I turn and look at his lifeless body.
“I’m not a vampire, I’m a vampiress! You disgusting pig!”
Just before leaving, I hear the CSI theme song coming from his next door neighbor’s room. “I guess I found my next meal...Ha, ha, ha!”
Daniel R. Hayes