Death-A Refuge

TW: mental illness, suicide

She sat on her cold bathroom floor, weeping in despair, wondering if she would ever be able to escape the darkness within her. The black cloud inside of her eating her up like a vulture. Weeping slowly turned into a loud cry when she heard her Aunt Marie scream.

“Siera?! Your mother is in labour”.

“Huh what?” murmured Siera, looking at herself in the mirror. In the blur of the moment, she wiped off her melted mascara, trying to fix herself into looking rather presentable.

Taking two steps at a time, she ran down the stairs. Upon reaching downstairs, she walked around the house to look for her mother and aunt. She entered the garage and found herself walking into a pool of blood. It was her mother’s! She immediately called her aunt Marie, but the ringing tone was a flat beep. Siera lay right next to the blood puddle- the beep echoing into her ears, disseminating an aura of fearful imagination, where the flat dialing tone transfigured into a flat line on the monitor next to her mother. Anxiety was reaching its height and the horror of losing her only parent was choking her to death.

The phone rang back at last, and her series of imagination got disrupted as Aunt Marie asked her to rush to the community hospital.

Trembling and sobbing, poor Siera reached the hospital. Running inside like a madman where she saw her aunt crying like a baby. Aunt Marie ran towards her and gave her a long, tight, homely hug. It was strange- the hug- Aunt Marie never hugged.

“It is a boy”, she said, sadly.

“WHERE IS THE EXCITEMENT? IS THE BABY OKAY? IS MAMA OKAY? WHY ARE YOU CRYING?? ARE THEY DEAD? ARE THEY ALIVE?? SAY SOMEHTING!!!” Siera questioned in fear.

“The fa..face..”

“What face..? what is wrong with the face? Asks Siera.

She rushes inside of the intensive care unit and witnesses their fate.

Siera, on the verge of having a panic attack, tried her best to stay composed and to be there for her mother. The scrutiny of the boy’s rare facial deformity took respite.

A few days passed. The shock of the baby’s abnormality escaped their minds and they were head over heels in love. Baby Sean had the attention of all three beautiful, exuberant ladies around him. Little did he know how miserable his elder sister was from the inside.

Aunt Marie and mama were so occupied with Sean, making sure he never felt any less of a human being for having a face that was not considered normal. Their world revolved around the baby, whilst Siera was nearly invisible for them; her anxiety, depression, self-harm, and emotional trauma remained unnoticed. Every time she gathered up the courage to ask for help, the conversation somehow turned towards Sean. She wished her condition to be physical- to be apparent- to be seen, for it is only bodily deformities and scars that tend to validate the severity of pain. She considered Sean lucky to have had a disease that the world could see, recognize and comprehend. She loved him dearly, but the ignorance she faced from her mother and aunt was an unconscious blame on his existence. It was the last thing she wanted, to feel any kind of hatred towards him. He was her only joy.

Years passed by with surgery on surgery for Sean. His face was getting better with time and treatments, whereas Siera’s mental condition only worsened. She would buy antidepressants from the local grocery store without any prescriptions and would nibble them like candies. The urge to defeat the monster overpowering her existence was taking over her sanity. She was going foolishly above and beyond to escape the darkness, yet escaped treatment at the same time. From excessive dosage of sleeping pills to cuts on her thighs and arms, she was losing it.

It was Sunday morning, she had turned 18. Little one on his tiny toes ran upstairs to wish his ‘darling’ sister a happy birthday. Looking for her underneath the bed, behind the door, on top of the shelf and below the carpet, little Sean stood there confused but thrilled to start the morning with hide and seek. Overly excited, dancing around the room and singing the birthday song, he heard the water dripping from the bathroom. Maybe she is showering, he wondered.

After impatiently waiting for ten minutes, with no sound and movement from the inside, he tries calling her out.

“Siera?? Siera?? Are you there, birthday girl? Come on come on you are taking too much time!” The door slightly creaks and Sean peaks in. He found her. Little one frighteningly jumps on top of her sister. 

“Sean! Come downstairs for breakfast, honey!!” said his mom.

The air resonated no sound, almost worrying the mother if Sean was playing with mud again. She goes upstairs. Casually walks up the stairways while calling out his name.

“Seany where you at darling? I have some treats for you, come to mama!”

No reply still. She worriedly rushes into Siera’s room to ask her. Upon entering an empty room, she feels a horrific silence she has never experienced before. Nervousness seeps through her pores as she proceeds forward with her footsteps- quietly and cautiously towards the bathroom door which is half open. 

A gasp left her lips as she stood still there at the entrance of the bathroom. Her heart ripped in two, her soul exits her body. Her trembling hands covered her mouth as a sob escaped past her lips, followed by a cry and she finally let go of all the misery she felt inside and cried for what she saw.

There, the siblings lay peacefully, in the bathtub- lifeless. Sean drowned in the tub full of water, on his sister’s lap. Siera’s arms leaning out of the tub, her wrist cut open, life dripping out. In a pool of blood she laid, which was hers this time, seeking death as refuge.