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Funny Fiction Thriller

For as long as I can remember, nothing has been more important to me than security. So when I looked at my brand new home, concealed with overgrowth and a few cheap Halloween decorations, I felt a warmth inside my chest. Years of working like a dog had finally paid off. A house meant that I could finally protect myself, and when it came to it, other people.

That is why I had everything particularly set up to minimize any threat to my newfound existence. I refused to return to a life on the run. The suburbs of New Jersey were certainly the best place to settle, I figured. Temperate climate, good communities. I could deal with the property taxes and smothering population. Standing before the culmination of all of my struggles, those problems seemed a world away, anyway. 

I was just about to turn the key and lock myself away when I heard a shrill yapping across the street. Bella, the neighbors chihuahua, must’ve caught my scent in the wind. Her bulging eyes locked onto mine. I wanted to kill that dog, put it in a pot and eat it for Thanksgiving Today especially, my hunger was ravenous. The full moon was coming tonight. But that was my old life. I didn’t need to eat pets anymore. I finally snapped out of my bloodlust when another yapping joined the chorus.

“Happy Halloween, neighbor!” Darlene waddled out onto her lawn and leaned on the white, picket fence. 

I let out a deep breath and turned around. “Happy Halloween, Darlene.”

“I hope you stocked up on lots of candy,” She winked. “since your decorations seem to be lacking and all.”

“Yep, I have a bowl ready to place out and everything.” I didn’t have a bowl ready to place out or anything.

“Place out? Oh, deary. You know some hooligans are gonna come and take everything, right?” She looked at me like I just kicked in someone’s jack-o-lantern.

“Survival of the fittest, I guess.” Sweet little Bella was still yapping. I felt goosebumps forming all over my body.

“Oh, well that’s not fair! You have to give it to them yourself!”

“Well, I won’t really be around tonight…”

“I know it’s your first Halloween here, but I’m saving your ass down the line. You got no candy this year? You get eggs, dear. Kids ‘round here are savage.”

My ears were ringing. My stomach was growling. I needed to get inside. 

“I think I’ll manage, Darlene. Thanks for the concern, but I really need to go--”

“It’s a burden, I know. I used to give out one lollipop per child. That was when kids weren’t so damn spoiled. Next thing you know I’m giving them entire jumbo candy bars! It really shows where our country has gone, hasn’t it? If I could charge them, I would…”

That barking was about to put me over the edge. I didn’t have much time before sundown, and I was so hungry.

“...which is why I’m handing out pamphlets on voting along with candy this year!” Between Darlene’s endless ranting and her dog looking more and more delicious, I’d had enough. 

I let out a full, bellowing bark straight at both of them.

“Well that was...rude.” Darlene was as shocked as she was confused. Bella was finally quiet.

“I’m so sorry.” I tried miserably to cover my tracks. “I have, um, terrible gas. Yeah. Gas. I need to go inside. I’d love to talk about the election more, but let’s continue another time!” I shut the door behind me. That was too close of a call.

Down in the basement I had everything prepared. I had plenty of meat to satiate my hunger for the night, everything from beef to black market tiger meat. I wasn’t proud of that, but I allowed myself to indulge every once in a while. The one window was blocked from the outside by a plastic tombstone on my front lawn. Across the room I had mounted three iron chains to the wall. Two for my arms, one for my neck. They were long enough to go about the room, but no further. Finally I had my ‘hunger playlist’ set up to last the night.

Soon I was fully restrained, waiting for the curse to take hold. I sat down on the cushion tucked in the corner and turned on the speakers. My favorite song by Duran Duran came on, filling me with a familiar mix of dread and excitement.

Dark in the city, night is a wire,

Steam in the subway, earth is afire…

As if on cue, the changing began. It was always subtle at first, like a warm tingling growing outward from my stomach into my limbs. Every muscle in my body began to tense up. My eyes were forced shut, and a lumbering growl rose out of my gut.

In touch with the ground,

I’m on the hunt, I’m after you…

My body was on fire. I felt my muscles break down and rebuild themselves over my skeleton. The once dark room was now clear as day, and every sound, smell and sensation dialed up by 100.

Smell like I sound, I’m lost in the crowd,

And I’m hungry like the Wolf…

The snapping sound of my bones reforming was always the worst part. That coupled with the insatiable itching of fur growing on my skin. The peak was coming. The pain I felt as a man was leaving, replaced with an untethered, wild sensation of being alive. The chains rattled as I convulsed and tried to pull away. Thankfully it was almost over. Deep in my chest I felt the first impulse of the night come. The sign that any semblance of man was gone, and the beast had taken over. 

Raising my snout to the air, I let out a long, gratifying howl. 

I smell like I sound, I’m lost and I’m found,

And I’m hungry like the Wolf…

Time tends to move slower in this form. Back when I was on the run, the cursed nights seemed to never end. Fear and hunger drove me to hunt and to kill. Now, in the safety of suburbia, I felt like the world was simple. I had my meat buffet in front of me, music to distract me, and no moon to make me stir crazy. It was the first time I felt a semblance of peace in this form. I didn’t have to worry about anything.

I heard the cackling of teenagers outside of my house. Bella started barking at them, causing me to bark back.

“Woah, sounds like this dude has a german shepherd.” One teenager said. Though they were far away I could hear them as if they were in the room with me.

“Dude, you’re an idiot. German shepherds don’t sound that deep. Probably a bernese mountain dog.”

“Bro, my cousin has one of those.”

I sat completely still, the hair on my back standing upright. It felt odd listening to their conversation. I never had a normal Halloween experience. Then again none of my childhood was normal. I couldn’t tell if the longing I felt was for their company or for their flesh. What a weird feeling.

“Dude, no candy?”

“Lame.” 

I forgot to put out candy. Crap.

“Let’s just go to Mrs. McLaughlin’s house. She gives a lot of candy.” He sounded nervous.

“I think before we go we should welcome the new neighbor to one of this town’s finest traditions.” This one spoke with confidence, clearly the leader of the pack. 

“Did you bring the eggs?” 

My eyes widened. Darlene was right. 

“Got em’ all right here.” Two of them laughed, except for the nervous one. Soon I heard splattering sounds all across the house. I wanted to yell at them to stop, but I could only woof at the moment. 

“Screw this guy! Trump 2020!” 

“Bro, why you gotta bring politics into this?” 

I accepted my fate of cleaning rotten yolks off of my house tomorrow. I figured it couldn’t be as bad as any other full moon I’ve experienced. At least I have a roof over my head.

“Take this!” A bright light filled the basement. One of them kicked over the gravestone. The full moon gazed right into my soul. I was transfixed. I felt my heart begin to race. 

“Yo, I hear music. This dude is home!” The boots stopped in front of the small window. Oh no, I thought. Don’t look in here. He crouched down and looked inside.

“I can’t really see anything.” He was the leader, showing little effort put into his pirate costume. Behind him one of them was wearing a gigantic, blocky costume with a pickaxe. He was the shy one.

“That’s really creepy,” the block-man said. “We shouldn’t peek in here.” 

“I got a flashlight.” The third one, wearing a Cobra Kai outfit, shined a bright light into my face.

My yellow eyes stared back at the three teenagers, all equally dumbfounded. 

“Is that…”

“A werewolf?!” 

“Can 2020 get any worse?”

Rationality was gone. I lunged right at the window, causing the trio to stumble back. Thankfully the chains held me inside. My jaw snapped uncontrollably, sending saliva down my chin and all over the window. The three teens screamed and ran, which only sent me into a crazier fit. I tugged and tugged, feeling my wrists burn as the metal dug into my skin. My mind was untethered and laser focused on one thing; the hunt. 

Once they were gone, I tried to settle down. But now that the damn moon was in my face, I couldn’t stop staring out the window. Despite spending years running from that life in the wilderness, I craved it now more than ever.

“It’s over here!” I heard the leader’s voice again. To my horror, a large group of teens and adults alike followed him onto my lawn. His friend shined the flashlight in again, revealing my full, ugly mug to the neighborhood. There were gasps and giggles from the crowd. When it was just the three of them, my hunger controlled me. But I had never seen such a large group of people in this form before. I was frozen, like a deer in headlights. 

“It’s so freaky!”

“This guy just moved in, right?”

“Do you think it can talk?”

Pictures were taken, and I was certain my cover was blown. I let out an unintentional whimper. An aww came from the crowd. I looked across the lawn and saw Darlene, staring out with her full bowl of candy.

***

Morning came and, as usual, the previous night felt like a dream. Fur and half-eaten steaks covered the floor. I snapped out of my daze when I heard a knock on the front door. I unlocked my chains and headed upstairs. I didn’t consider changing out of my torn up clothing before I answered the door.

“Well, looks like you had a fun night!” Darlene said with a scowl on her face. 

“I’m really sorry, you caught me at a bad time--”

“Well boo-hoo, Mr. Werewolf man!” My eyes widened. She knew. The whole town knew. “Pretending to be all humble like for me only to whip out some Hollywood props.”

Props? “Oh. Yeah, well, I figured the kids would like it.”

“Well they did. And you cost me $50 worth of candy! Not only that, but I had to pay for these voting flyers!” She tossed one at me and we both watched it awkwardly float to the ground.

“I didn’t mean to outperform you, Darlene. In fact, I didn’t--”

Outperform?!” Even in my normal form I could practically hear her teeth clench. “You’re hysterical! You got lucky, is all. Some of us have to work for our success the hard way! Not by going to some makeup school or whatever. You didn’t even have candy!”

Somewhere across the street Bella began to bark. Darlene began to walk back. It was then that I noticed the eggs covering her windows and door.

“Let’s see what you got for Christmas!” With that she walked away. 

I stood dumbfounded. My head almost slumped over as relief swept over me. I was safe. No more starving nights. No more waking up covered in mysterious blood. Not only had I survived the night in suburbia, but I realize I can actually thrive here. I smiled, looking at Bella across the street. She knew I was the top dog now.

October 29, 2020 21:53

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