I Am Not A Liar.

I am not a liar. That’s the truth.

Well, I mean, in all honesty, we do all tell little lies, little fibs, half-truths, or omissions. But those aren’t real lies. They don’t make you a liar.

You know what I mean; when you tell a girl her dress looks well, or that she hasn’t put on weight, or that you’re still attracted to them. Those little white lies don’t count. 

There’s lots of different types of lies too. 

Sure, look at my tinder profile for example. It’s not exactly the most accurate representation of myself but I’m not really lying. 

Am I six foot three? No, I’m five foot seven. 

Do I enjoy swimming? No, I can’t swim at all.

Am I single? No, I’m married. 

But those aren’t real lies, the Internet isn’t a real place. So they don’t count. Some would call it cat-fishing, some would call it adultery. But no one would call it lying. Because it isn’t. I am not a liar. That’s the truth. 

And little white lies and half-truths are better for my wife really because the truth would only hurt her. So I hide the whole truth from her for her own good. It’s what any good husband should do. Let me give you a few examples, so you can judge for yourself:

If she knew I didn’t love her any more it would break her heart - so I tell her I do. 

If she knew I was sleeping with other women she would be upset - so I don’t tell her. 

If she knew the state of our finances she would worry - so I tell her everything is fine. 

Can you see how considerate I am now? So those don’t count as lies. How could they? Because I don’t lie. I am not a liar. That’s the truth. 

But isn’t lying a funny thing? All the religions of the world tell us to seek truth, how the truth will set us free, blah blah blah. 

But there is such a thrill with lying, and I mean proper lying, not the little fibs that I might tell on occasion. 

Proper lies makes you feel giddy. Sometimes your palms sweat. Sometimes your heart races. Sometimes you blush. Sometimes you can’t look at the person in the eye. 

But that’s just for amateurs. If I ever had to tell a lie, I wouldn’t react at all. I’d be as cool as a banana in a fridge. 

But I don’t lie. I am not a liar. That’s the truth.

“Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.” That’s what the Bible says, if you believe that. But I have never bore false witness. I mean, thankfully I’ve never been called as a witness, never even been inside a courthouse would you believe. But if I were I would never bear false witness. Goodness no! And especially not against my neighbour. Because I rather like Bob. Mind you, I like his wife a lot more, wild redhead thing she is. 

I’ll tell you a little secret my wife doesn’t know. If you sit on my garden seat and lean back you can look straight into their bedroom! And let’s just say she doesn’t always close the curtains, if you know what I mean!

Of course Bob doesn’t know that, I’d never tell him even if he asked. He’d only get mad and he’s got a gun. So that wouldn’t be a lie neither. I don’t tell lies. I am not a liar. That’s the truth. 

Now if Bob didn’t have his gun, then I’d take him no problem. Did I ever tell you about the time I knocked out McGregor in a pub in Dublin? He had been mouthing off so I stood up and told him to shut it. One thing led to another and before you know it we were outside brawling. He got three good punches off before I let fly and knocked him out cold! Flat on his back he was! 

But that’s hardly surprising because Mike Tyson once saw me training in the gym and told me I had the strength and ability of a world champion boxer. But at the time, I was just newly married and had other priorities so never pursued it. The things that pass you by, eh?

But Bob? Bob wouldn’t have stood a chance, if it weren’t for his gun. Actually, now that I think of it, I could probably knock the gun out of his hand before he could pull the trigger. I’ve fast hands. Lightening fast. Probably the reason I’d make such a good boxer. And that’s no word of a lie! I don’t lie. I am not a liar. That’s the truth. 

Nah, I don’t lie, me. 

I mean, I did tell my boss that I was sick, and while that’s not exactly true, I don’t consider it a lie. I’m just taking what I’m owed. You see, I’ve been working so hard, so so hard and he just doesn’t appreciate it. So what’s a little fib to take what I’m owed? 

Sure, you might say I didn’t have to say that I had cancer. But I deserved at least six months off after working to the bone for the past year. Cancer was the only thing that would guarantee that. And, as an added bonus, when I’m miraculously cured it will be such a feelgood story it will boost the morale of everyone in work! So, really I’m doing them all a favour! 

I mean, some might call it dishonest, some might call it fraud. But I’m just taking what I’m owed. It’s not a lie though. I am not a liar. That’s the truth.

Here, while we’re talking about lies, do you know that game ‘One Truth and Two Lies’? No!? Ah come on, it’s very simple: all you do is say three statements about yourself - one of which is true and the other two are lies. I love that game. It’s a great icebreaker! 

So for example, I could say: 

Number One - I’m a swimming instructor at the local pool on the weekends. 

Number Two - I am undergoing treatment for cancer. 

Number Three - I have never told a lie in my life. 

You can see which one is the obvious truth. Because I don’t tell lies. I’m not a liar. And that’s the truth.