Wild Wellness

Dear sir or madam:

In answer to your ad in 'Psych!' magazine, I am an "angry woman". I am also over the age of 40, and would like to "shed excess pounds".

Next, I am physically fit, and able to do most kinds of exercise. 

Last, but not least, I have felt "shackled by fears of failure" and would like to break free of those weight loss fears.

Thank you for your considering my program application, and have a great day,

Rachel Pearson

p.s. As requested, I have enclosed the results of my physical.

Dear Rachel,

Thank you so much for your email. We are excited to tell you that you have been accepted as a member of our new Wild Wellness group! :) To activate your free Wild Wellness account, call the following phone number: 1-555-066-9922.

Yours in health and wellness,

Madison

p.s. As you may have read in 'Psych!' magazine, "a few Wild Wellness weight loss methods may seem strange or unorthodox." However, I am happy to report that 100 percent of our program members report "a weight loss result of ten pounds or more" and a state of "blissful happiness" after completing our 4 step plan!

Madison J. Echols

CEO, Wild Wellness, LCI

NY, NY, 12359

Dear Madison,

In order to begin phase 1 of Wild Wellness, Unleash the Beast, I have purchased the following items from my local butcher, as requested:

1 side of beef

1 large hook 

Unleash the Beast boxing gloves from the 'Wild Wellness' online store

However, (as you know) a side of beef is quite expensive, as well as heavy. I paid 1,600 dollars, as well as a delivery fee, to obtain these items. I am hoping that I will be reimbursed for this expense. Also, was it really necessary to purchase the pink Unleash the Beast boxing gloves? I assume that regular boxing gloves will do.

Thank you,

Rachel

p.s. I am so excited about this part of the program! My therapist says I have unresolved anger issues, and I am sure I will feel calmer after finishing this part of the program.

Dear Rachel,

Thank you so much for your message. Also, congratulations on beginning 'Unleash the Beast', the first phase of the program! :)

Yes, I agree. A large side of beef is expensive and can be unwieldy. However, I think you'll agree that 1,600 dollars is a small price to pay for "weight loss results of ten pounds or more" and "blissful happiness" for life!

p.s. Did you remember to chant 'I am woman, hear me roar!' as your fists slammed into the meat? I hope so! :) This is a crucial step in phase 1. In phase 2, don't forget to "eat the raw meat under the light of a full moon" to begin your full-body cleanse.

p.s.s. Unfortunately, the 'Unleash the Beast' boxing gloves are a must-have item for Phase 1. We have found that other boxing are gloves are substandard.

Yours in wellness,

Madison

Dear Madison,

No, I did not chant 'I am woman, hear me roar!', but I think the program is working. As I began to punch the meat, (in the light of the full moon) I thought of my ex-husband, and roared 'You are shit!' instead. After pummeling the meat for a good 30 minutes, I felt blissfully happy. Last, but not least, I stepped on the Wild Wellness scale, and found that I have lost 5 pounds in one week! 

Dear Rachel,

Congratulations to you! As promised, you have broken free of your fears of weight loss failure. Have you made it to phase 3, yet?

Yours in freedom,

Madison

Dear Madison,

I am happy to report that I sailed right through Phase 3 ('Detox Delight') but have been throwing up a lot. Is this normal? 

p.s. As requested, during phase 3, I only ate raw, organic eggs. I believe the consumption of raw eggs to be an unsafe practice. Am I correct in thinking this?

Rachel

Hello Rachel,

What you report is completely normal. All harmful toxins are leaving your body. The raw eggs engage the body's cleansing process. 

For the next phase, "Symbiosis", be sure to purchase the Wellness Vitamins, via the website.

p.s. I am also excited to share that, after completing phase 3, most of our clients have seen a further loss of 10 pounds or more! 

Dear Madison,

I have seen a dramatic amount of weight loss (15 pounds!) after completing phase 3. However, I am feeling tired. Is this normal?

Hello Rachel,

Yes, this is completely normal. Many clients report feeling sluggish during phase 3. However, remember to keep going. A new you is just around the corner.

Dear Madison,

Honestly, I don't feel very well. I have completed phase 4, "Symbiosis", but I have developed a fever and my backside is swollen. As you can imagine, the pain is intense. If my fever doesn't go down, I will go to the doctor. Will I be reimbursed for my medical expenses? I hope this is the case.

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

If you need to seek medical help during any program phases, you will be reimbursed for the cost. Simply fill out the medical reimbursement form via the website.

Yours in good health,

Madison

Dear Rachel, 

As I write this, I can see what looks like a worm poking out of my backside. Is this normal? 

p.s. I just called 911, and am waiting on an ambulance. I will send the bill (with the completed medical reimbursement form) by snail mail.

Dear Norman, 

We are on schedule for the complete takeover of Planet Earth. People on Earth are so stupid. They always want to be thinner, and will do anything to achieve this goal. (even ingesting Hykoth worm tablets!) 

On your next visit to Earth, please bring more tablets. 1,000,000 beings have already been consumed by worms, and I believe the planet will belong to us in 3 months. (according to the Earth calendar)

p.s. Can you think of a worse fate than being eaten alive by Hykoth worms? I can't.