The Aha Moment

Lydia does her absolute best to live every day with gusto and positivity. Even though it is often a struggle to get out of bed, she soldiers on. After all, giving up is not an option. Though she often wonders if her mother even loves her, she knew she was all the older woman has in her life.

This morning, a bright and sunny Saturday, Lydia is getting ready to go visit. Her mother lives in an Assisted Living Facility. Jessica, Lydia’s mother, has a room on the Memory Care side of the place. The visits are very hard on both women for a variety of reasons. Lydia wants to hear a special name, and her mother doesn’t want to utter it.

Lydia is dressing in a bright red dress with big white polka-dots. She knows her mother loves this dress, and though she may not remember Lydia, or even what day it is, her sense of fashion still lived on. As she slipped into fashionable red pumps, Lydia couldn’t help but smile at her reflection. The dress was one she’d bought for a Halloween costume five years ago. She went as what her Mom called, ‘A U.S.O. Girl’ from the forties.

Her mother’s stories from that era were long and detailed. Even before Lydia’s mother lost touch with reality, her life seemed to be grounded in the years of World War II. Lydia often wondered if there was a pivotal event or moment, but her mother never spoke of anything like that. Instead, she babbled on about the parties, the rubber drives, the scarcity of sugar and stockings, and her unending loneliness.

Now, with her mother in her nineties and Lydia’s seventy-fifth birthday just around the corner, she couldn’t help but wonder about that time. Years ago, Lydia counted back nine months from her birthday, and she knew her Mom conceived her in January of 1945. The war was still raging, and Lydia wondered who it was that came through the U.S.O. then and left her mother pregnant when he returned to the front.

Her other questions left her to wonder about a man who even took leave in 1945. Did that even happen? Well, obviously something like that had to happen, but why wouldn’t her mother reveal who her father was? Surely, she had to know that Lydia understood the climate of the times created many babies out of wedlock as soldiers tried to catch just one good memory before they left the states and flew to the war zones. 

Lydia understood all of it, but she wanted to know the identity of the man. After all, he was her father—her flesh and blood. Maybe he had relatives who were still alive. Perhaps he’d come home from the war and married someone else and had more children. Maybe Lydia had a sister or brother—or both.

And why had her mother never started another relationship with a man? Was her love for the man who was her father so strong? Or had he hurt her so bad, whether it was a lovers’ quarrel or his death, that she couldn’t bear to put her heart out there again?

Pushing all thoughts of that, out of her head, Lydia took the short drive to the facility and pasted a big smile on her face. Saturday visits typically lasted three to four hours if her mother was having a good day. Lydia desperately wanted that to be the case. 

Maybe Jessica would tell the story. Lydia thought that if she listened to as many stories as she could, eventually, her mother would tell the tale of the man who swept her off her feet. At least Lydia hoped it was like that. As far as she knew, the night of her conception was the only night of passion her mother experienced. There were no boyfriends while she was growing up, and after she left for college, her mother didn’t have a man in her life even then. Ever.

Part of her mother’s dilemma came from their lifestyle. Jessica and her illegitimate daughter didn’t stay in one place for too long. Eventually, someone would discover the truth about Lydia, and Jessica panicked. She’d lived in fear of anyone calling Lydia a ‘bastard’ or branding herself as a hussy. 

And so, neither Lydia nor Jessica had any long-standing friends. They’d only had each other for all of Lydia’s life. The abyss of being totally alone stood in front of Lydia as her mother’s health declined, and though her mother never taught her about God, her thoughts often turned to the one father figure she’d had.

Finally, Lydia parked the car in the familiar parking lot. She opened the back door and pulled out a big bouquet of flowers. The bright colors always perked her mother up and lightened the mood. Lydia was determined that she and Jessica would have long talks today, and maybe today was the day. Today, Lydia would learn the truth.

As Lydia passed the nurse’s area, she checked in with Barbara. She was Jessica’s day nurse five days a week, and she knew her almost as well as Lydia did.

“How is she today?”

Barbara looked down and to the right. “Oh, I think she’ll be okay now that you’re here.”

“What do you mean?”

“She had a rough night last night,” the brown-eyed nurse said. “Oh, you’re wearing her favorite dress! She loves it when you wear that.”

“I did it on purpose. Doctor Jones told me there are some little lesions on her brain now, and I think her memories will all be gone before too long, don’t you?”

“I don’t know about that,” Barbara said. “I’ve seen some patients who remembered their pasts quite clearly right up until their last day. Your mother lives and breathes the 40s, and I don’t think that will change.”

“I hope not. Well, wish me luck, I’m going to go to her room. Fingers crossed, she’s happy to see me today.”

Lydia stepped into her mother’s room and once again was amazed at how the antiseptic smell wasn’t covered up, despite their best efforts. There were air fresheners on every surface and even some that plugged into the walls. 

The result was a room that looked cozy and inviting but smelled like a hospital. Lydia tried to breathe through her mouth until she got used to it and put the large bouquet in front of her face as she walked towards her mother.

“Oh, hello. Those are pretty flowers. Are they for me?”

Lydia could hear the tiredness in her mother’s voice and wondered if she’d end up watching her mother sleep today. But still, she soldiered on.

“Of course, they’re for you. Who else would they be for?”

“I don’t know. Maybe they’re for whoever you’re visiting.”

Lydia’s breath caught in her throat. Had it finally happened? Did her mother not recognize her?

“Well, I’m going to visit with you, silly. I visit with you almost every day and especially on Saturdays.”

Jessica stared at the young girl. The beautiful red dress glimmered in her brain, and she wondered if this was one of the new volunteers. Captain Jamison told her to expect a few new girls this week.

“Whatever. I hope you’re prepared to be on your feet all day. Will you be able to do that on those shoes?”

Lydia knew her mother was back in the past. She’d slipped into her role as the volunteer coordinator of the U.S.O. Knowing that it was the best thing to do, Lydia went along with the memory.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be able to pass out the donuts and dance if that’s what the soldiers want.”

Jessica looked up sharply. “Be careful, dearie. Don’t be so eager to do what they want.”

Lydia was brought up short. Why had her mother said that? She was always so supportive of the soldiers and only wanted the best for them. What was making today different?

“Here are the donuts. And there are more in the kitchen if you need them. There’s only a handful of boys in the card room today. Most of them are wounded, waiting for their families to come and get them, so be extra nice, you hear?”

Lydia watched her mother’s face. She attempted to get up from her chair and fell back. “I’m so clumsy. This baby needs to come soon. I’m as big as a house.”

Her face froze, and Lydia was glad she was wearing a half-smile. She’d never heard her mother talk about her pregnancy, and she wanted to keep this conversation going. But she didn’t want to seem too eager.

“But you look beautiful. I mean, uh, you know. All women glow while they’re expecting.”

“You’re a good liar, girlie. And while I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, I know exactly how I look. There’s a mirror in my room, you know.”

“Can I get you something? Do you need help getting up?” asked Lydia.

Her deep blue eyes met Jessica’s dark brown, and the older woman let out a sigh. “I guess you could get me some water. I’m parched.”

Lydia’s legs were rubbery and trembling as she walked over to the sink and got her mother’s water. The next few moments could be the most important in her life.

“Here you are. Do you think you might get a letter today? I’m sure your husband must write quite regularly.”

“Nope. I don’t have a husband. Oh, I wear this gold band for appearances, but I was never married. And don’t look so surprised. You don’t have to be married to be in love. Your legs open just fine without a wedding band. Especially when there isn’t time for a ceremony. Especially when the pure white heat of desire runs through the two of you.”

Lydia was almost glad her mother didn’t recognize her today. Telling a complete stranger about the circumstances of her pregnancy would probably be more comfortable than telling the baby who resulted from that one night of passion.

“What happened to him? Have you heard from him since he shipped out?”

“Only once. He wrote me a letter on the train ride from here up to Fort Dix. He caught a transport plane there. He told me he was sorry for taking advantage of me. He told me he had a wife in Ohio. He told me he’d never be back this way.”

Lydia didn’t know what to say. Her mother had carried that burden for all these years. Would it be possible to hear his name just once? Could her mother leave her the gift of siblings and the extended family she’d longed for?”

“So, will you keep this baby or give it up for adoption? I mean, there are a lot of people waiting for a baby.”

“Yes, I’m going to give this baby up. The Captain here wants to take the baby home to his wife in California. He promises they will give the child a good home. I think this will be for the best.”

“Oh, that’s good. But do you think you’ll be able to do it? I mean, after all, you’ve carried this child in your body for nine months.”

Jessica looked up into Lydia’s eyes. “If the baby is a girl, I will keep her. I always wanted a best friend. Another girl to share everything with. That’s the only way I’ll keep this baby. And I’m going to name her Lydia.”

“That’s a beautiful name. Where did you get it from?”

“It was his mother’s name. He told me only a tiny bit about his life that day. He told me his mother was Lydia and his father was Robert. He talked about the farm he’d been raised on and how he would move there when he got back from the war.

“I foolishly thought I would be moving there with him. I mean, how could that not happen? We were so in love. But I guess maybe it was only me that was in love. He was just looking for a good time. James Kirk didn’t want another wife, I guess.”

Lydia almost broke out in laughter. She’d waited for years to hear her father’s name, and it was James Kirk? Oh, God. She’d die if his middle initial were ‘T.’

“I know we have a lot to do today, but would you mind if I took a nap? I’m tired, and I think the baby will be coming soon.”

 “Of course, I don’t mind. Let me help you get into the bed.”

As the two women went through an old and familiar routine, Lydia bent to kiss her mother goodnight. She stopped herself because, indeed, this stranger wouldn’t be taking such liberties.

“Goodnight, Jessica. You get some rest.”

“Goodnight, Lydia. I hope you got all of your answers.”

Lydia felt a flush run down her body, followed by an episode of goosebumps. Had her mother known it was her all along? Was her mother telling her the truth because it was almost too late?

A few hours later, when Barbara came into the room, she found Lydia asleep in the recliner, and she could see that Jessica’s form was still. She worried because there wasn’t the comforting sound of snoring in the room like there usually was, and she hurried to find a pulse in Jessica’s neck.

She felt each pulse point, and then she took her stethoscope and listened. No heartbeat and no pulse. Jessica had left this world. Barbara wondered if she’d join her friends from the 1940s now. And then she thought about how she would tell Lydia.

Lydia could see Barbara in the room. She watched as the nurse tried to find her mother’s heartbeat, and she knew. She knew she’d lost the one friend she’d always had. She lost the woman who did everything to bring up her daughter to be safe.

And now, for the first time, Lydia knew the truth. Her mother loved her. She loved her enough to take on the burden of caring for an illegitimate child. She wanted to be sure that her daughter always knew she was loved. Was it because her mother felt unloved?

Lydia closed her eyes. 

When Barbara approached, she raised up on one elbow. “She told me. I guess she knew her time was short.”

“You mean you know the name of the soldier who is your father? What’s his name?”

Lydia laughed. “Well, you know, maybe she made it up, but she says my father was James Kirk. As in James ‘T.’ Kirk. Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.”

“Wait. Is that what she really said?”

“No, it wasn’t. She did tell me there was only that one time. A night of passion when her desire burned so bright, she threw all caution and propriety to the wind. It’s only now that I think she gave me a bogus name. After all, James T. Kirk was definitely a love and leave ‘em type guy. Remember all the aliens he had sex with while he toured the Universe?”

The two women looked at the shape of Lydia’s mother on the bed.

Barbara said, “Does it really matter? I mean, at least she told you about how much she loved him. And how much she loved you, right?”

“Yeah. Now, and for once, I know that she loved me very much. She put everything on hold to raise me. And though she waited until now to tell me about the special love she had, I think she kept it close to her heart. Why else would she have spent so much time remembering the past?”

“Come on, Lydia,” Barbara said as she linked her arm through the other woman’s. “You’ve got phone calls to make, and I’ve got a report to write.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s time to go and explore. Maybe I still have time to find the passion my parents shared.”