Generations

I recognized him immediately. My stomach twisted uncomfortably as my eyes met his. There was no mistaking it, it was him. The man from the photographs my mother had kept hidden in the back of dresser drawer.

His hair had a few more streaks of grey, and his face had gained a few wrinkles, but it was definitely him. The same brown eyes, the same smile. Yes, he smiled as he saw recognition in my face. I wondered, did he also see the confusion and fear?

He stood at the end of my driveway. I had been picking up Ryan’s toys and had happened to glance out the window as he approached the house.

We just stared at each other for a moment, unsure how to move forward. Suddenly Liam appeared at my side, holding our son Ryan in his arms.

“Amber? You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

 Ryan was squirmy, trying to crawl out of his father’s arms. My mind snapped back to reality, and I realized my priority was protecting my family.

“I’m okay babe. I just, I think my dad’s outside.”

 I saw the same shock I felt flash across Liam’s face as he turned to look out the window at the man in our driveway, who was still standing there watching us. He looked surprised himself at the arrival of Liam and Ryan, but again he smiled, he even gave a small, uncertain wave.

“But, I thought…” Liam turned to look into my eyes, unable to finish his sentence.

I stared back at him. “I know. I thought he was dead.”

   ***

It hadn’t taken me long to track down her address. I had been keeping an eye on Amber since I had found out she existed. Her mother Samantha had not wanted me to find out, but Samantha’s own mother had been the one to tell me. She had called me one day out of the blue and told me I had a daughter, explaining that Samantha had hidden her pregnancy from me and had forbidden anyone from telling me because she didn’t want to have me in our daughter’s life, she thought I was too irresponsible and would end up leaving.

To be fair, my track record supported this theory. That’s what I had done to her.

Samantha and I had had a whirlwind romance, we fell for each other at first sight and became inseparable. Our lives became entwined, laying out a path for us leading towards a happy and fulfilling future together. But then I hacked away at our relationship until I could untangle myself from that future. I convinced myself I wanted more from life than simply raising a family in the suburbs, going to soccer games and graduations. I figured I wasn’t cut out to be a family man. And so I disappeared from Samantha’s life.

I told myself she would be sad at first but then she would get over it. She would meet someone else and rewrite her happily ever after with them. I had had no idea that I had left a piece of me with her that she could never escape. That every day she would be reminded that I had deserted her for what I thought was better. I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to have anything to do with me, even if it meant Amber grew up without a father.

But when I first learned that I had a daughter, everything had changed. It was as if the center of gravity shifted, my world became centered on her, though I had never even seen or met her before. She was the most important thing to me. I tried to contact Samantha, but she wouldn’t talk to me or listen to my apologies. Her mother gave me her address and I sent cards and gifts addressed to Amber, but I never knew if she got them or if Samantha intercepted them and threw them away.

Samantha’s mother disagreed with her keeping my daughter from me, and would sometimes send me photographs of Amber. A few times while she was growing up she would even tell me when she would be babysitting Amber. She would sit out on the front porch with her and let me drive past so that I could catch a glimpse of her. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

When she had passed, I had lost track of Samantha and Amber for a few years. Luckily it was a small town and an old friend had run into Samantha and learned she had moved into her mother’s old house. I continued to drive by the house every so often, and was lucky enough a few times to catch glimpses of my now adult daughter visiting her.

Then, some months ago, I had seen Samantha’s obituary in the local paper. I couldn’t believe she was gone. With her passed any chance I had left of ever apologizing or attempting to make right the wrong I had done her.

I had gone to the funeral, but stayed well back, not wanting to draw any attention to myself and be recognized by anyone. Amber had put her address on the service booklets, inviting everyone over after the burial.

I had seen her husband and son there from afar. And now they stood beside her in the window, looking out at me. I could see in her husband’s face a desire to protect her, from danger, from hurt. From me. I saw her put her hand on his shoulder and say something to him and they all moved out of sight, but the next minute the front door opened and Amber stepped out, walking down the driveway towards me, a firm but neutral expression covering her face.

***

I wasn’t sure how to begin. What did you say to a man you had never seen before except for some old photos hidden in your mother’s drawer whom you had been told was dead. Oh, and who was your father.

I figured small talk would get us nowhere, so I decided to just jump straight in.

“I’ve seen pictures of you with my mother. You’re my father.” It wasn’t a question, but he nodded in response.

At least he seemed to realize the weight of the situation. He was waiting to see how I wanted to proceed, letting me take the lead. I appreciated that. Still, it was the kind of the least he could do.

“She told me you were dead.”

He looked at me, trying to gauge if I would let him explain his side or if I had already concluded he was not worth my time.

“You’re mother and I, we were in love, but I was a fool and unworthy of her. She never told me about you, I only found out after you were born.”

“Why show up now? Why haven’t I heard from you before?”

“I wanted to see you, truly I did. But your mother, she thought she had to protect you from me. She told me she never wanted to see me again and would get a restraining order against me if I came near you. I tried calling a few times over the years, but if she answered she hung up as soon as she heard my voice.”

I studied his face as he spoke, looking for any signs of artifice or falsehood. But I could see he was filled with emotion, and a certain desperation. This was his only chance to be heard by me, and he was pouring everything he had into it.

“Since I learned that you were born, all I’ve wanted was to be your father. I wanted to be there with you, for you, learn what you like and dislike, give you advice, help you with whatever you need. Your mother wouldn’t give me that chance."

I opened my mouth, about to defend my mother, but he put up his hand to stop me.

“I’m not blaming her. Please understand, I know I hurt her dearly, and she had every right to hate me and to want to save you from being hurt too. But I promise you Amber, I would never do anything to hurt you. I know I can never get back the time we’ve lost, but please, let me part of your life now.”

“I, I don’t know.” I hesitated. So many emotions were swirling in a whirlwind inside of me, competing to be at the front. Suddenly a memory flashed through my mind.

I was about ten years old, and was staying at my grandmother’s while my mom was away on a work trip. We were sitting on her front porch together as we often did. I was reading a book while my grandmother flipped through a magazine. She pulled out one of the pages, a recipe she wanted to keep, but the wind caught it and blew it out of her hand and down the driveway.

 “I’ll get it grandma!” I called as I ran after it.

Luckily the breeze died down and left it on the ground where I bent over to pick it up. As I straightened up, I noticed a blue car parked on the other side of the road. A man was sitting in it, and he was looking at me. Something about him had seemed so familiar, but my ten year old brain was unable to comprehend it. Ours eye met for only a second before he started his car and drove away.

Snapping back to the present, I realized that the man in the blue car now stood in my driveway. He had been there, he had wanted to see me.

I thought of my son inside, trying to imagine what it would feel like to be kept away from him. And I looked at the man in front of me. I looked into his eyes. He didn’t look away but firmly held my gaze, a pleading gaze, almost painful, asking me to believe him and to give him the chance my mother never had. His eyes were a soft brown, but in the sunlight they appeared almost grey. Just like my eyes. But still, I didn’t know this man. Was I just supposed to welcome him into my home, into my family?

“I loved my mother. She raised me herself and always took care of me. She lied to me, but I trust that she thought she was doing what was best for me.”

My fathers face fell, he thought I was refusing him, turning my back on him the way he had done to my mother all those years ago.

“But I’m old enough to make my own decisions now, and I would like to get to know you. Why don’t we start fresh?”

I held out my hand. “I’m Amber.”

***

I stared down at the hand my daughter held out to me. It was strange. We were family, she was my own flesh and blood. But she was right, we didn’t know each other. 

By holding out her hand to me, she was offering me the chance to finally get to know her. To be part of her life and to earn her trust. To watch my grandson grow up. She was offering me a family.

My eyes filled with tears of happiness as I clasped her hand in my own.

“It’s wonderful to meet you Amber.”