Running Out

Submitted into Contest #180 in response to: Write about someone whose luck is running out.... view prompt

25 comments

Fiction Thriller

This story contains themes or mentions of physical violence, gore, or abuse.

      There is a knock at the door.

           “Who in the hell is bothering me now?” asks Devlin as he gets up from his cozy chair and marches to the front door. “This better be good, for this is my seventh day. My day to rest.”

           Devlin opens the door, a fierce look on his face, ready to berate the one who disturbs him. He opens his mouth to speak forth foul words, but clamps it shut when he sees a young girl. Dark, curly hair, and olive skin that is the perfect color for Devlin. She is smiling as she shows off her dimples, and such large, brown eyes with long eyelashes.

           “I can make lots of money selling her to the trade,” he thought as his look turns to hunger.

           “Hello Devlin,” she says with a voice of an angel.

           “Have we met before?” he asks, as he wonders how she knows him. His name is nowhere in sight outside his luxurious home.

           “We have, but you will not remember,” she says. “You are very busy and prosperous with your good luck of late.”

           “Yes indeed. Good luck has come my way,” he says, now showing off his two gold teeth. “My next step is to have a wall built around my house, and a sturdy gate to keep people out. But there is a possibility I do not want to keep you out, young, beautiful girl,” he ends with a devilish look.

           “I just come to tell you your luck is about to take a turn for the worse,” she says with her smile widening.

           The smile on Devlin’s face dissipates, and his look of anger returns. “What are you talking about, little girl? I do not know you and I think you do not know me. It is not nice to say such a thing to an adult.”

           “Unfortunately, you do not know what nice is,” she says. “In fact, you are quite the monster.”

           The beautiful smile is rapidly making Devlin irate.

           “I think you better leave before the monster comes out,” he says with a stern look.

           “Change your ways,” she says as her smile leaves, replaced by a stern look. “You have caused much evil.”

           “I do not know what kind of game this is, but I am done with it. You better run along before I carve a larger smile on your face or send you off to make others happy in one of my happy houses.”

           “Repent Devlin,” she says.

           “That is, it,” he says as he turns around and grabs his favorite knife off his coffee table. Showing the girl, the long blade should scare her off. “Welcome to my friend,” he says as he turns to her. She is gone. “What? Where did you go? You cannot be that quick.”

           Devlin takes a couple of steps out, looking all directions. This could be a trick, and someone else could wait for him to take him out. His life is doing well right now so there are ones who will love to take over his business. His tactics also brought forth quite the body count so there might be ones who want revenge.

           “No one around,” he says.

           He goes back into the house, slams the door closed, and locks up.

           Devlin goes over to his sofa and lies down. He wonders what that was all about. Who put that little girl up to trying to scare him? He will find out and make them pay.

           “This brief episode makes me want to have some company,” he mutters.

           He grabs his cell phone to call his friend, Rachel. Have her come over to chat and have lots of fun. Devlin is about to punch the auto dial when the memory surfaces. He sent her off to a whorehouse a little while ago after the owner offered lots of money.

           “That was dumb of me,” he says. “She was quite good at keeping me occupied. Oh, well.”

           She is no good now, being all doped up.

           Devlin puts his phone back on the coffee table, but as soon as he did, the phone started playing his favorite tune.

           “Who is calling me?”

           Devlin grabs the phone. “Hello?”

           It is one of his henchmen, Bob, who tells him in a high, squeaky voice that one of his houses had been raided. The largest one that he is a part of just recently. One management was knocked off weeks back, thanks to Devlin. His plan, with his great luck, put him in the management role. Now, it is at an end way too soon as he listens to Bob.

           “That damn girl couldn’t have had something to do with this,” he thought. “Not possible.”

           Bob finally quieted down and Devlin can only hear his hard breathing.

           “Settle yourself down,” Devlin says to the panicked man. “They won’t be able to track us.”

           “We lost all our merchandise,” says a hysterical Bob.

           “There are plenty of fish in the sea. All you have to do is walk the streets and you will see plenty of victims. Now, settle down and have a drink and pop a pill.”

           Devlin clicked the phone off and dropped the phone on the rug.

           “What a shit show?” he says with a groan.

           He closes his eyes and tries to picture being on a pleasant beach relaxing.

           A sound of a girl’s giggle is heard in his house.

           Devlin jumps up and grabs his knife.

           “Who is there?!” he yells.

           Nothing. Did he doze off and think he heard the giggle? He had just closed his eyes, so that is not a possibility.

           Devlin starts going to every room in his house, finding no one about.

           “Maybe I am hearing things?’ he thought.

           He went back toward the living room to relax, but as he passes the back door, he can hear a lot of talking from his backyard.

           “What now?” he moans.

           He unlocks the door and opens it. What he sees makes his mouth drop. His yard is full of people conversing with each other.

           “What the hell are you doing in my backyard?!” he yells as he steps out.

           The people continue to converse, paying him no mind.

           “Hello! You are on my property! Better get out of here or I will start shooting!”

           No one responds or turns toward him.

           Devlin was about to turn around to get his gun when he recognizes some people. But it is not possible. They are dead. One or two, he saw himself die. Others he set-up for their demise.

           “Am I having a nightmare?”

           Devlin goes back into the house and slams the door shut. He turns around and the girl he met a little earlier is standing a few feet from him with a smile.

           “I see you got to meet all of your victims,” she said.

           “How did you get in my house?” he asks as he points the knife at her.

           “I’m here to tell you that your luck has run out.”

           “Your luck has run out as I prepare to gut you,” he says with a snarl as he takes a step toward her.

           Next moment, the beautiful girl morphs into a hideous monster. The sight of the monstrosity takes Devlin’s sanity away and his heart gives out.

           A couple of days later, Bob stops by, not being able to contact Devlin. He finds his body with an expression of pure terror.

           “What happened to him?” Bob asks.

           It does not take long for a grin to appear on Bob’s face.

           “Now I can be in charge,” he says with a chuckle. “My luck has turned for the better.”

           He leaves, hoping his luck continues to prosper.         

January 13, 2023 00:31

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25 comments

Roger Scypion
00:04 Feb 04, 2023

Great story! Good gets the glory and evil perpetuates evil until they are undone. Another well done work of art!

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Betsy Ellis
23:31 Jan 27, 2023

I like the ending. I just watched a cartoon meme online in which two wildebeests were fighting over whether something in the water was a log or a crocodile; the one trying to argue that it is a croc throws rocks, pokes with sticks, and then finally jumps on it. He proves it is a croc and the croc eats him. But at the end another wildebeest comes along thinking the floating item is a log. Will the Wildebeest who now knows this IS a croc as he watched the other get eaten, try to convince the other is just a log and fall into the same tra...

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Corey Melin
23:50 Jan 27, 2023

I greatly appreciate your comments and feedback. I was thinking about putting a trigger warning on the story, but then got sidetracked and forgot. Apologize that it brought the nightmare back up. There are many paths we go down in life that are not well to our soul. I hope your path will change one day.

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Betsy Ellis
01:17 Jan 29, 2023

I am not walking down unwell paths sadly. It is others that cannot see that the most well thing we can do is be our authentic selves. I am the same wonderful person that I always have been whether or not others can see it.

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Corey Melin
01:30 Jan 29, 2023

Glad to hear so. Take care

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Graham Kinross
11:22 Jan 21, 2023

It’s nice to have someone awful get their comeuppance. Hopefully Bob gets his quickly as well. It reminded me of ghosts of past, present and future in a Christmas Carol. Devlin makes Scrooge look like a great guy.

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Corey Melin
14:55 Jan 21, 2023

Thank you for the comments! I was thinking about Scrooge as I was writing

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Graham Kinross
01:01 Jan 22, 2023

To have the legacy of early authors would be amazing, they’ve inspired so many writers in so many different ways.

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Hannah K
20:59 Jan 19, 2023

Great story. Your main character is heartless, immoral, vile, and possibly a psychopath. It's fitting that his name sounds like "devil." What happens to him seems less like bad luck to me and more like judgement for his sins. The young girl seems like an angel or other entity from a spiritual realm sent to first warn, then bring judgment. It's very appropriate that his victims show up in the yard to haunt him. In his arrogance, he thought he could trample people under his feet and move on, but not so. My belief is that Bob's "luck" will also...

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Corey Melin
21:57 Jan 19, 2023

Thank you for your comments. I definitely believe we will be held responsible for our actions. There is so much evil that takes place in which judgement does not take place here on Earth. The question is if there is an afterlife? Many hope there is while others shake in fear

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Hannah K
23:31 Jan 19, 2023

The way some people live (including the character in your story,) they must either not believe in the afterlife, be in denial about it, or have a God complex to the point that they think their evil deeds will never actually catch up to them. In the case of your story, the evil-doer's time finally ran out. Very thought provoking.

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Corey Melin
23:55 Jan 19, 2023

Thank you and the God complex is expanding quite profusely in society.

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Hannah K
00:39 Jan 20, 2023

So true!

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Tommy Goround
20:41 Jan 19, 2023

So many things worked: flow, character build in Devlin, contrast of knowledge of the angel and motivation. "I've gone to prepare a way for you." (A mansion) and Devlin doesn't recognize. The story seems lopsided to LUCK like the prompt took over and gets in the way of what you want to say. Luck= Satan and providence =God? Or maybe you did want to say Luck is always bad in the hands of bad people. (I don't know if I agree yet but it is an interesting question). So the ending was in the mid scale for me. Because the set up was yummy. The...

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Corey Melin
20:54 Jan 19, 2023

Much appreciate the comments. The story was rushed so my imagination goes off the chart which means my thoughts are scattered at times and upon putting it on paper it either doesn’t make sense or lack of description or development. There are plenty of bad souls out there that seem to have good luck but unless they change their ways , judgment will come their way.

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Tommy Goround
21:37 Jan 19, 2023

Totally. It's like having to explain a thing almost devalues a thing. If Liv Chocolate had to explain the significance of an old hamburger in her refrigerator then the story wouldn't have such wonderful emotional impact. She chose to delve into the back story gently but the first symbol struck most of the audience so they understood. (Why doesn't a person throw away a hamburger?) If Marty has to explain souls and telephones then his story about 'a pay phone in Oakland where you can talk to the Dead' doesn't work. In this way, some of th...

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Corey Melin
21:52 Jan 19, 2023

Very much appreciated. My goal in many of my more current stories. Winning the prize is a plus but in no way the main reason why I submit. I look as being a winner if my stories help others in this crazy world we live in

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Mary Lehnert
19:27 Jan 19, 2023

Variation of good over evil. Never gets old Corey My only suggestion might be to flesh it out a bit with more on Devlin. Otherwise the premise and your good writing makes a very good read.

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Corey Melin
20:46 Jan 19, 2023

Greatly appreciate your comments. Last minute writing puts me in a hurry so knew there could be a chance the character is not developed enough

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Mary Lehnert
22:03 Jan 19, 2023

Se’ve all been there Corey. The best thing about Reedsy se’rd all in the game and com rngs far usually kind and friendly. Happy writing. Mary

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Corey Melin
22:06 Jan 19, 2023

One happy game. I figure I’m a winner if I can make someone smile or some positive effect

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Mary Lehnert
23:55 Jan 19, 2023

If we can all achieve that we are indeed all winners.

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Lily Finch
17:20 Jan 13, 2023

Corey, this story is great. The beginning had some strange language, but the rest of the story flowed well with good pacing. The language and sentences blended well with the storyline and flowed nicely. I think this may need a sequel about Bob and his luck or not with the business. That would be interesting too. Thanks for the read. LF6.

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Corey Melin
19:13 Jan 13, 2023

Thank you for the comments. I started writing a couple of nights ago, finished it yesterday, typed it out, went over it and sent it last night. No surprise if errors. I’m glad you enjoyed it

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Tommy Goround
20:43 Jan 19, 2023

It seemed like Bob was going to redo exactly what Devlin had done.

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