Not A Free Bird

“Crap,” Annie said jabbing at her phone.

Jane sat across from her picking the sesame seeds from hamburger plate and licking them off her finger, while giving the guy at the bar with the squirrel tattoo on his arm the side-eye.

“What’s wrong?” Jane asked as she shifted her full attention back to her friend.

“AJ just texted that he needs me to take him the spare key to his car. Apparently, he locked it in the trunk on his way to band practice. That kid would lock his head in the truck if wasn’t attached to his body”

“Why didn’t he text his father or his sisters?” Jane looked away knowing it came out of her mouth a little harsher than she intended.

She glanced over and saw that Squirrel Boy had just paid for his beer and wings and was headed out of the bar. She noticed he left several bucks under his plate. He didn’t look like the type to leave a generous tip so she nodded in appreciation.

“Ari is in Philly with a client. Alicia is in Daytona Beach on Spring Break and since Ally is an RA she stayed on campus for the break. It’s just me on Kid Dash duty,” Annie laughed, “Get it? Like Door Dash only with my kids.”

Jane forced a laugh and pretended to give Annie a sympathetic look. Instead, she looked past her so she could follow Squirrel Boy’s departure. Regular Levi’s, she thought to herself, very practical and yet they still hugged his butt nicely.

Jane stopped listening as Annie babbled on something about AJ and the band competition they were going to in Toronto.

Annie and Jane had been best friends since Jane was born and Annie arrived 11 minutes later. Their mothers were best friends and had their babies on the same day, at the same hospital in neighboring labor rooms. Every year on their birthday, Annie loved to lord it over Jane that she was 11 minutes younger than her. It was a running joke and the line they often used as a conversation starter when they met guys at bars in their 20s. That probably explains why neither of them ever left the bar with a date.

Now in their early 40s, Annie and Jane’s lives had taken wildly different paths. Annie left a high paying marketing job in her early 20s after she married Ari. Alicia popped into the world a year later, followed by Allison 11 months later, and Ari Jr. 10 months after that.

Jane had gone from bachelorette party planner, to Maid of Honor, to baby shower planner in the span of a year and had kept up that always-planning-for-others-role since then. Seven more bridesmaids gowns, seven more bachelorette parties, five baby showers, and three baby sprinkle parties later, Jane still had no husband, no kids, and a 20-year pin from work for perfect attendance.

Annie stopped mid-brag and turned around, seeing Squirrel Boy through the window heading up Forbes Avenue.

“Nice ass, “ Annie said.

“Huh, what, they are going to Toronto when…ah, wait, AJ has a nice ass?”

“The Gen Z boy with the squirrel tattoo. You have been making eyes at the whole time we have been here.”

Jane blushed. “Not Gen Z, probably a Young Millennial, Maybe. It’s hard to tell and nobody says ‘making eyes’ anymore. What are we 80?”

“Like I told you earlier, you have socks older than him.”

“So, do you want me to go with you to the school to give AJ his key?”

“Nice deflection.”

“Hey, he would be pissed if he knew Auntie Jane was the reason why he was standing in front of the school for an hour waiting for his key. We wouldn’t want to tarnish my shiny Auntie crown, would we?”

“Fine, you can give me the scoop on the tattoo guy on the way to school.”

They split the bill, handed the waitress a wad of cash, and headed out.  Jane looked up Forbes, but Squirrel Boy was long gone. She sighed and followed Annie across the street to parking lot under the library.

Annie’s old Jag was parked in the furthest corner of the lot and was taking up two spaces.

“You are lucky people don’t key that thing when you do that,” Jane said as she opened the car door.

“Eh, people probably think I am some old blue hair and feel sorry for me.”

“An old blue hair is going to drive an old Buick, not a black Jag.”

“It’s old.”

“It’s still a Jag though, geeze.”

That only-thinks-about-me mentality that Annie sometimes had made Jane crazy.

“So, what’s the scoop on tattoo boy?”

“No scoop.” Jane said trying to get comfortable in the Jag’s leather bucket seat. The leather seat kept sticking to the back of her leg and making little fart sounds every time she shifted.

“There has to be a scoop if you followed him around with your eyes like a lost puppy all night.”

“Crap, speaking of puppies, can we swing by my place first so I can get Kramer out of the crate? He’s good for a couple hours in there, but any longer and I will have a pee lake and I am not in the mood to clean that up.”

“Sure, I am sure AJ would love to meet his little dog cousin.” Jane cringed, but let it slide. Annie was so good about including her in her perfect life, but sometimes it got to be a bit much. Sure, the kids called her Aunt, but having the dog as a cousin was taking it a bit far.

Kramer was a three-year-old wire hair dachshund who looked like his TV character namesake with a crazy hair do and wild eyes. He hopped onto Annie’s lap and gave her kisses on her nose.

“Aww….does my little nephew dog love his Auntie Annie?” She reached around in the back seat and pulled out one of her dog’s toys. “Gin Gin doesn’t like this one any more, maybe you would like it Kramer?”

Kramer took the blue duck in his mouth, hopped in the back seat, and started chewing on the toy. The more it squeaked, the harder he chewed.

Annie turned up the radio and started singing off-key “Blinded by the light…wrapped up like a douche, like runner in the light.”

The squeaking from the back and Annie’s singing reached a fever pitch. Jane reached around and yanked  the duck away from Kramer, turning the radio volume down, as she stuffed the toy in the glove box. The dog hopped over the seat and landed in Jane’s lap. He put both paws on her shoulders and started barking and crying for the duck.

“What they heck, “ Annie said, turning the volume back up. Jane turned it back down.

“It’s ‘blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.” She found a soft treat in her purse and Kramer sat on her lap chewing. “Deuce—like the Beach Boys, Little Deuce Coupe”

“What does that mean?”

“What does ‘wrapped up like a douche like a runner in the night mean’?”

They both laughed, and Jane changed the station, landing in the middle of Freebird. That was twice in one night. It had come on in the bar while they were eating. Sometimes she felt like she could never escape that song. She left it on hoping it would distract Annie from asking more about Squirrel Boy. It didn’t.

“So, do you know the guy’s name?”

“Lynyrd Skynyrd?

“His name is Leonard?”

“I thought you were asking who sang Freebird.”

“You are making me crazy. The guy. From the bar. Squirrel tattoo. Nice ass.”

“I don’t know him,” she said letting the nice ass comment fly by. “I was in the Coffee Tree this morning. I was  humming “Closing Time” to myself and he sang the lyrics out loud. We both laughed, and then I made a fool of myself when I asked him if he liked Seinfeld too.”

“Don’t get the segue.”

“Neither did he.” Jane said as she tried to smooth out Kramer’s cowlick on the top of his head. “My old brain thought the song was the song from the Seinfeld finale. At dinner you so kindly burst my bubble and said that that was the Green Day song that ended the show, not “Closing Time. You said Closing Time was on The Office”

“Oh, I get it now, that is why you yelled at him it was The Office. I was worried you were getting Tourette’s.”

As they pulled into the school, Jane doubled her hold on Kramer’s leash and let the dog greet AJ.  Kramer did his little bunny-hop run over to him and started sniffing at the trumpet case sitting next to him on the cement. Jane grabbed Kramer as he started to lift his leg to pee on the case. A stream of pee went up in the air and AJ was doubled over in laughter as Jane set the dog into the grass next to the sidewalk.

“I think your dog likes me,” AJ said, as tears flowed down his face. “Tell him I am not into that peeing thing though.”

“Ari Robert Cooper, watch your mouth,” Annie said half laughing and half horrified.

“Aww mum, I was just kidding around, geeeeeeeze.”

Ari planed a kiss on Jane’s cheek and got down to let Kramer kiss his ears. “Are you going to be Gin Gin’s boy toy?” Ari asked the dog.

Annie burst out laughing. “Your Aunt and I were just talking about boy toys.” Jane swatted Annie playfully and picked Kramer up and walked back to the car.  Ari shook his head, took his key from his mom, and gave her a peck on the cheek.

“Going to Greg’s for a while and then I will be home, Mum. Love you. See you Aunt Jane. Bye.”

Back in the car, Kramer settled in at Jane’s feet and went to sleep. The seat was so low, she could feel his hot doggy breath on her leg.

“I can ask around to find, his name, “ Annie said as they followed Ari out of the parking lot. Jane was pleased that Ari used his turn signal and waved on a car in the intersection. Annie and Ari must be doing something right, she thought.

“Who?”

“Squirrelly.”

“I told you at dinner. No more guys, except for Kramer.” The dog popped up his head when he heard his name. Jane tried again to smooth down his cowlick.

“It’s been two years since…”

“18 months and the wounds are still open, thank you.”

Annie stared straight ahead, trying to spot Jane’s car on the street.

“Bluebird is parked on Northumberland.”

Annie turned right and spotted the old Chevy, pulling open into an open spot a few car lengths away.

Jane gathered up Kramer and leaned over and gave Annie a kiss on the cheek. “Talk tomorrow, OK?”

“Sure.”

“Ethan.” Jane looked at the text the next morning as sat down at her desk.

“Did you mean to send this to me?” She typed back to Annie.

“Tattoo boy’s name is Ethan.”

Jane picked up the phone angrily and punched up Annie’s number. “WTF, Annie. What did you do?”

“I got coffee at the Coffee Tree and asked the barista what his coffee name was.”

“Why the hell did you do that?”

“I thought you would want to know his name.”

“Ugh…now I can’t go back there. You know how nebby that barista is. She is going to tell him that someone wanted to know his name and he will think it’s me.”

“I thought…”

“…it’s the thought that counts, right. You thought you were helping, right?

“I thought there wasn’t any harm in asking.”

“Why did you say you were asking?”

“Told her I was admiring a tattoo of a squirrel that I saw on a guy I saw in here last week, and did she know where he got it. She said she didn’t know. Then I asked if she knew him, and she said his coffee name is Ethan and he works in one of the offices on Shady. She was eyeing up my wedding ring as she answered me, so she is going to think I am interested, not you, silly.”

“Dear G-d in heaven, Annie. Just. Stop.”

“I thought you wanted to know.”

“You wanted to know.”

“Are you mad?”

Jane stomped around her office. Freebird was on the radio, AGAIN, and she flipped it off and sighed into the phone.

“Not mad, but I just need to you to listen when I say, ‘NO MORE GUYS’.” She turned the radio up and Freebird was still on. She turned it off.

“Your eyes weren’t saying that last night.”

“My eyes aren’t my brain, OK. Please. Just stop.”

“OK, OK, OK. Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight and bring my little nephew dog. Gin Gin needs a boy toy.”

“Please stop the boy toy talk.”

“Geeze, you are a little touchy, aren’t you?”

“You would be too…if you remembered what it was like....”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Forget it. I am just having a bad week. Can we do dinner tomorrow instead? Maybe I will be better then.”

“Sure. Come after work. We can get Mineos.”

Jane clicked off her phone and turned the radio. Freebird was STILL playing. She turned it back off and turned her chair to stare out the window. The sun blinded her and she closed her eyes seeing the orange rays on the inside of her eyelids. She sat that way until her phone buzzed. Annie sent her a single blue heart text. She returned with a single purple heart and turned back to her computer.