Why is the Night so Long?

I saw the yellowish-orange glowing eyes of three tigers every night against the city's light-filled sky. So it wasn’t a surprise that a white tiger, protector over human life, escorted me to the Purple Forbidden City and up to the Purple Forbidden Enclosure. In a dream-like state, I could see two… I don’t know, entities? I’m not sure how to describe them. One was bright white, almost blinding, and the other was black. They had auras emanating from them and were like little balls of light circling each other like two halves of a whole. Both were rising from the Forbidden City to the Forbidden Enclosure. I was watching this detached from my soul. I could see, I could think, but I couldn’t feel. I longed for the warmth of a soul being inside me. In my journey up to the Forbidden Enclosure, I wasn’t alone. The three white tigers stood around me as I stared at the two parts of my soul rise into the Purple Forbidden Enclosure to be presented in front of the Divine Council of God(s)— I thought there would be multiple gods, but there was only one. I thought that was strange but didn’t think much of it. There I saw another pair of energies, one red and the other white. They were revolving around each other in front of the Jade Emperor. He dressed in the shocking, deep color of blood, the color I so closely associated with my past. He stared at me with a feeling that made me weirdly at peace. I could feel the energies he admitted engulf my body, relaxing every muscle, taking every tense feeling, and making it, poof, dissipate. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this way. 

I became curious and tried to ask the Jade Emperor what I was doing here, I mean I knew I was dead but what now, I couldn’t just spend the rest of eternity standing in front of him, no matter how happy and at peace I felt. I opened my mouth and tried to ask what to do but I couldn’t speak. You might be confused or worried but I wasn’t scared. I didn’t try and force words out, I didn’t silently scream. My heart didn’t speed up, tears didn’t fall out of my eyes as I realized I wouldn’t be able to speak again. I opened my mouth to ask the question and I simply found myself at a lack of words. Almost like I couldn’t speak human languages anymore. I didn’t mind not having a voice for the very reason of happiness and peace I felt in the presence of the Jade Emperor. I closed my mouth, hesitated then looked in the eyes of the Jade Emperor:

I gasped as my body became tense and my eyes widened. As I gasped my body filled with the warmth of the red and white soul as my black and white pair continued to circle in front of The Jade Emperor. Black and white, colors flashed through my vision then still images flashed through my head. 

FLASH

I was standing in a city in front of a school named Tsinghua University High School. I somehow knew it was in Beijing even though I don’t ever remember being there. I knew my parents had immigrated to the United States from Tianjin in the mid-eighties but this wasn’t Tianjin it was Beijing. I saw a group of students about my age, young, and in the first couple of years of high school. They were all wearing plain, really old-looking clothing and had a patch of red on the left side of their chest.

FLASH

I was in a sea of students my age. I could feel the passion, anger, pressure, admiration swarming around me pulling at the threads of my soul asking, begging for attention. I could feel the fear I had, the conformity I followed, the blood rushing to my head. I was going to be discovered. I was the only one. “Follow their every movement,” echoed loudly in my head as rhythmic as my thumping heart. One step out of line and—

FLASH

I saw a lady, my teacher apparently. Not sure how I knew that but I did. My breath was fast and short. My face was hot and I could feel the water trying to break free from the prison of my eyes. I saw my hand high in the sky clenching a metal blade so hard my nails dug into the soft skin of my hand drawing blood. 

FLASH

I saw the metal blade on a dirt road surrounded by buildings and people. The blood seeped into the now-damp ground as small children played at the park across the street, and people walked around the spot as if it wasn’t a bloody blade thrown on the side of the road like trash. I couldn’t see the dead body but I could feel the death. I could see her ghosts: blue and transparent, silent and hollow. I could feel the guilt closing my throat up until I could barely breathe.  

I let out a choking breath and out flew the red and white soul. I panted for a couple seconds and then looked back into the Emperor's eyes. Once again I breathed in the other soul, this time the black and white one.

FLASH

I saw the same metal blade now inside me. I was in normal clothes, my clothes, the ones I was wearing when I died. I could see through my ever-growing blurry vision the blood seeping out of me onto a patch of ground. I was so scared not of death itself but of the thought that I may not see anyone I loved ever again. Strangely enough, I could hear children's voices nearby and remembered I was at a park. Or somewhere near a park. Or maybe a school. I couldn’t remember. My grandparent’s restaurant was probably going to close. Slurs bounced around my head and my heart rate quickened. They were losing a lot of customers. I couldn’t tell if it was because I was losing so much blood or if it was the fear and anxiety I always get at the thought of those words. I told my friends at school to spread the word that their restaurant was having specials and to not worry because people won’t get sick by eating Chinese food. “Breathe,” I thought. People didn’t listen so it didn’t help much. “You need to breathe”. Just a few hours ago I was helping them figure out numbers. “Come on hold on just a little long—”

FLASH

“What?” I breathed out in confusion as I felt the fur of the tigers under me. I panted as I realized my astonishment; I could never get close enough to touch them. I was so astonished I didn’t notice the black and white soul floating out of me and back in front of the Jade Emperor who watched me closely.  I looked back to my protectors and up at their faces seeing stars against their black, deep eyes. Galaxies floated by as the world around me melted. If I could just—

A loud, booming voice in my head forced everything around me to repair and me to cover my ears. 

“Don’t stare too long, for you will fall into an abyss you can never escape from. Protectors they may be, but did you ever wonder how they protected you?”

Still unable to speak and not having any words to speak I stared at the Jade Emperor. Something about his voice made the Purple Forbidden Enclosure more peaceful.  The Emperor finally stopped looking at me and moved the two souls out in front of him making them spin closer and closer until they became one ball of energy without color, just a simple ball of energy. He moved it towards a scale that had just materialized. I watched as the scale pan bounced up and down causing the little gold needle to swing back and forth and back and forth and back and forth almost in a mesmerizing way. It finally slowed to a stop in the middle. The Jade Emperor looked at me again curiously then slowly lifted the ball of energy and threw it at my chest. It went inside of me, hit me, and exploded. Emotions, all of them flooded back in from every memory. I drowned in a sea of remembrance. Remembrance of my past lives not only the two I just looked at but all the way back. I took a deep breath in and when I opened my eyes the fading image of the Jaded Emperor was still looking at me...