The Magnificent Maron Maloney - Part 1/4

The Magnificent. Rolling into Pondaroak. Benzie’s Discovery.

Taika Maru, a strikingly beautiful Bengal tiger, lolled in her cage, lazily watching rhododendron trees go by as the rickety wagon exited the forest.

“Pondaroak,” she heard the guide say.

Seated in the wagon’s pilot chair, Maron Maloney, a lanky Gaelwyn man with an impressive handlebar mustache with waxed, curled ends, said, “Ha! And as you promised, long before dusk, ranger. You’ve earned your commission and then some. I’ll see to it you’re rightly compensated once we reach the Swindle & Swine.”

In a cage above Taika, a yellow cockatoo named Pip flapped her wings, whistled, and repeated, “Rightly compensated.” Taika smiled listlessly at Pip as she squawked.

“Nah, that’d be unnecessary,” the guide assured Maron, speaking alongside the wagon. Taika saw he was a dingy halfling with greasy long hair parted down the middle. He was armed with a shortbow. “I did what I said I’d do. That’s all.”

Maron hitched the reins to instruct Ammon, a strong Clydesdale horse, to pick up the pace. The wagon lurched forward. “Well then, that’ll conclude our business, Master Muckwalker. Pleasures’ been all mine.”

“Same,” Kindle Muckwalker said. “‘Round these parts, find a guide named Ginny Greenhill. Folks know her. She’ll help you back to Mosshollow.”

“Obliged,” waved Maron, and his wagon rolled on while the ranger slowed his pace. Taika passed him a sorrowful, lingering glance before the halfling turned and made for the forest.

The wagon was painted bright red and was emblazoned with yellow lettering that read The Magnificent Maron Maloney. It was ladened with cages containing a variety of animals.

Taika was naturally the largest and heaviest, and her cage was positioned to the rear.

Aside from her and Pip, there were two ferrets, a puppy with two heads, a snarling quick-to-anger honey badger, a smattering of songbirds, an owlbear cub, a duck, a flumph, and a domesticated orange cat named Kimchi; Kimchi was the only animal not in a cage, accompanying Maron in the pilot’s chair.

Taika sprawled under the hot sun. She yawned and stretched, pushing against the cage with her paws.

In the cage beside her, the honey badger hissed and snarled.

“Quiet, Barty,” Maron admonished, scratching Kimchi behind her ears. Kimchi purred and smugly enjoyed the attention. “This isn’t anything special. Pondaroak’s a backwater smallfoot town full of naive suckers. We’ll make a night out of it, then swoop down to Ehrendvale. That’s where the big money’ll be.”

Taika Maru stared at the duck, Mrs. Featherby, who was sad, still, and motionless in her cage. Nobody dared speak about what happened to Mr. Featherby, not since the incident.

Barty twisted, squirmed, and turned himself upside down. He growled and flailed his legs in the air as if he were playing with something invisible. Taika wasn’t sure if Barty was insane by now or just bored. 

Taika wasn’t the first acquisition in Maron Maloney’s troop, but she was the veteran of the bunch, whereas Pica and Pika, the dual-headed death dog, was Maron’s latest addition; they were cute, but neither of them shared a brain between them. And none of the animals knew exactly how long Kimchi had been there. Kimchi had been Maron’s favorite since Taika arrived.

The curious eye stalks of the flumph studied Pondaroak as they approached, and its tentacles wrapped eagerly around the bars of its cage. Its body glowed green. By far the weirdest attraction in Maron’s menagerie and the biggest revenue generator, a flumph was a floating, two-foot diameter pancake with a dozen dangling blue tendrils for appendages. As far as Taika was concerned, Malony had yet to name the flumph. He called it flumph.

Week-long journeys across untamed wilderness were part of life with Maron Maloney. Over time, Taika had learned to relax on the road and make the best of it. She’d lost track of exactly how long it’d been. Four, maybe five years? She wasn’t sure; time spent in captivity wasn’t relevant.

The only other animal in the wagon that seemingly enjoyed the long rides was Hornsby the owlbear cub. His preference was to nap, and presently, the owlbear was curled up in his cage, emitting snoring-like whistles from its beak.

Sid and Pan, the ferrets, on the other hand, hated to travel. They were restless, and everything captured their attention. Often stir-crazy, they’d run loops in their cage before sitting at prairie-dog-like attention to watch passers go by.

At the head of the wagon, Taika saw Maron Maloney remove his black showman’s hat to wipe his brow with a handkerchief. The hot sun relentlessly fell on their company, depressing all save Taika, who thoroughly appreciated the direct heat. She’d always loved the sun and couldn’t understand why none of the other animals enjoyed it as much as she did.

It wasn’t always this way for Taika. There was a time when she railed against her cage and made Maron’s audience frightened and uncomfortable. It wasn’t until six months after her capture that Taika gave in and accepted her situation. Thereafter, she came to appreciate the little things - the frequent meals, the beautiful landscapes, the exciting new locations, the gawking attention from the spectating crowd - and stopped worrying about what was, and what had been.

“Okay, everyone,” Maron cried out from the front, tapping the top of his hat. “It’s showtime!”

Ammon shifted to a steady Clydesdale judge, cleanly lifting his feet from the ground with heavy clips and clops.

Kimchi, the fat orange cat upfront, marched right out on Ammon’s back and pranced in time with the horse.

Knowing her part, Taika rose to her hind legs and let out a deep, ferocious roar to announce their arrival.

Above her, Pip flapped and squawked, continuously repeating “Maron Maloney! Maron Maloney!” while the songbirds launched into a jaunty marching tune perfectly timed to Ammon’s high-stepping.

Magnificent Maron Maloney’s big red wagon entered Pondaroak with spectacle and panache. Halfling children took to the streets to chase Maloney’s cart down the road, and friendly halfling parents parted neighborly waves and whistled as the wagon rolled by. Some clapped along with the music, whereas a clutch of halfling teenagers guffawed, assuring each other they were too old for Maron’s childish amusements. 

Maron Maloney reached under his seat into a bag and tossed tiny sacks of sugar candy and confetti into the air, and he outstretched his arms as if to embrace everyone he saw.

Unconsciously twirling the end of his mustache, Maron would boisterously laugh and point to halflings as if he knew them, and, of course, those halflings would wave back as if they knew him, too, yet, all the while, neither of them had ever met the other in all their lives.

Ever the showman, occasionally, Maron would lean out of the wagon and shake waving hands, or turn to face his animals and pretend to conduct them.  

Still, regardless of all of their practice and training, Taika knew some would flub their parts.

Unable to deal with the stress, Barty anxiously chewed on the metal bars of his cage.

Sid and Pan had stopped their routine, sat upright, and madly darted their heads around to see each and every child running up to the cart.

Pica and Pika barked, growled, whined, and wagged its tail as puppies might, except they shared one freakish puppy body, and unable to get their timing right, they’d trip over their own paws and fall faces-first into the cage.

Mrs. Featherby conscientiously objected as she always had since the incident, and remained quiet and disdainful, keeping her eyes closed and her beautiful voice silent.

Hornsby, meanwhile, slept through it all, and the flumph simply flumphed. Its hovering body assumed a soft magenta color and its eye stalks glanced excitedly back and forth.

“Hello, hello! Greetings, one and all!” boomed Maron Maloney’s voice. He threw out his hands and shouted, “Good folk of Pondaroak! Join me, will you, to wine and dine at your Swindle & Swine?! Curated Curiosities! Exemplary Exotics! Pettings, performances, and peculiarities! Our show begins before dusk!”

Bounding after Maloney’s cart, halfling children celebrated, clapped, whistled, and danced. A few had stopped to pick up Maron’s candy strewn behind the wagon. Some ran up to their mothers and pleaded to see the show, while parents gasped and fearfully pointed to Taika. Taika loved that feeling, and she roused herself to fiercely growl at the sky. Her roar tore through town and shook windows, rattled fences, and even got old man Hicklefoot’s attention; his hearing was so bad, Taika’s was the first sound he’d heard in over twenty years.

Holding two fingers to his mustached lips, the Magnificent Maron Maloney blew everyone a kiss, and whispered, “Ignitus fulmine,” sending a bolt of fire roiling into the sky.

Shouts, screams, and gasps of awe graced the proceeding as the wagon wheeled through Pondaroak.

Maron waved farewell to his admiring fans with his hat before replacing it atop his head. Returning to sit in the pilot’s chair, he brought Ammon’s reigns back into his hands. Talking over his shoulder, he said, “Ammon, Taika: you stole the show. Double your rations tonight!”

Taika proudly plopped down in her cage, and Ammon briefly high-stepped to acknowledge his reward.

“Barty, Barty, Barty,” Maron tsked, glancing over his shoulder. “What’s so hard about waving your tail in time to the music?”

Barty the honey badger spun around, hunched forward, and snarled at Maron Maloney.

“That’s right, so, again, nothing for you tonight, you hellion,” Maron breathed.

Righting his mood, Maron gave a nod to the others. “Songbirds, Pip: you were top-shelf entertainment! Flumph?”

The flumph’s eye stalks swung toward Maron.

“Upside down? Can we hover upside down next time, please?”

Flumph’s stalks returned to watching the scenery.

“Maybe roll around in the air a bit?” Maron added, stroking his mustache. “Oh, and you guys, Pika and Pica. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’ll catch on. I know you will!”

Indifferent, the two-headed puppy dog licked its paws and groin at the same time.

“Pan?”

The ferret eagerly sat up.

Shaking his head, Maron called back over his shoulder. “Disappointed.”

Pan slumped and frowned at his feet.

“Listen, keep Sid in line. He’s distracting you. Maybe he needs more practice?”

Turning, Pan angrily gave Sid a shove, and Sid rolled on his back and jumped on Pan, resulting in a frantic squealing tussle.

“And you!” Maron exclaimed, scooping up Kimchi and cuddling her close. Speaking in babytalk, Maron nuzzled the purring orange monstrosity and said, “You were spectacular, daddy is so very proud of you, yes he is.”

Kimchi glared self-righteously over Maron’s shoulder at Taika, but Taika let Kimchi’s attitude roll right off. It was always that way between them, and Taika honestly wasn’t sure why. Taika certainly didn’t want her job.

Eventually, Maron Maloney’s big red wagon wobbled by the Swindle & Swine, Pondaroak’s sole inn and tavern.

The Swindle was a proud, three-hundred-year-old two-story structure with a big, round door painted burgundy and topped with a green-gabled roof.

A chimney of limestone and gray mortar shot up the street-facing wall, and a second chimney for the kitchen poked over the roof in the back to exhale smoke from its cooking fire.

A massive oak tree with rambling roots flourished in its front yard, and a copse of tall, reaching pine trees swayed gently in the back. Taika could hear the sound of the wind rushing through the very tiptops of the pines.

The property was surrounded by a carpet of lush green grass that’d feel good on the soles of anybody’s naked feet, halfling or otherwise.

On its second floor, a round stained-glass window depicted a Tree of Life, and a wrap-around porch offered ample, comfortable, breezy outdoor seating for discerning guests.

Abundant emerald-colored ivy crawled up its side, and cheery tulips, petunias, and daffodils were lovingly planted along the foundation.

And nearby, a row of six homey single-room, halfling-sized cottages were open to the road; accommodations for the likes of Man were found upstairs on the second floor.

Colorful banners strewn over the porch railings celebrated the Magnificent Maron Maloney’s traveling show.

The Swindle & Swine almost vibrated with life. Swarms of minute gnats buzzed over Taika’s cage, attracting a train of sparrows that went dashing by overhead. And as Taika smelled wafts of succulent pork, her mouth watered.

A middle-aged, brown-haired halfling woman broke away from conversations with tavern patrons to wave at the wagon from the porch. “Mister Maloney!”

Rounding the old oak and squinting from the sunlight, Maron raised his arm. “Miss Hogsbreath? Elina?”

“One and the same, sir!” she pleasantly confirmed. Descending the front steps to approach the wagon, Taika could see that she wore a white sunflower in her hair and offered a kind and welcoming smile. She wore a shoulderless white blouse, a brown skirt, and a loosely-fitted corset over her apron - attire common to tavern maids.

Taika heard Maron Maloney snap the hitch to slow the wagon’s roll. Locking the parking brake, Maron jumped down from the pilot’s chair. Taika watched Maron approach Elina, and he gave her a deep, theatric bow.

Elina smiled in such a way that her eyes pinched together. She placed her hands behind her back and curtsied.

“You’re right on time, Mister Maloney,” Elina beamed. “Your room’s been prepared with clean linens on the bed and fresh water in the basin-”

“My dear Miss Hogsbreath,” Maron interrupted. Rising from his swooping bow and rushing to her like a caped, black-hatted phantom, he said, “Your humble establishment is everything it’s rumored to be!”

“Why thank you!” Elina smiled, masking her irritation at being interrupted. Taika knew Maron was always like that, speaking over others he felt were inferior. Elina continued, “You can park your wagon ‘round back.”

“Absolutely,” Maron agreed, his voice trailing and twisting the ends of his mustache. Taika could tell that Maron was already sizing Elina up and wondering how much he could take her for. “Have you any help to assist with offloading my animals?”

Elina nodded and grinned. “We sure do! I’ll summon him, right’n’quick. Benzie!”

A crashing sound came from somewhere inside the inn before Taika saw a young halfling carrying a mop rush outside from the front door. “Here! I-I, um, here, um, I’m Benzie! Hullo!”

Benzie waved the head of the mop at Elina and Maron, and a stream of dirty mop water ran over his forearm and shoulder. Realizing he was wet, Benzie lowered the handle and shook out his arm, sending a spray of mop water over a nearby table occupied by tavern guests. They flinched in disgust.

“Benzie,” Elina pointed to the wagon. “You’ll aid Mister Maron. Whatever he needs, y’ bring ‘em. Whatever he needs done, y’ do it. Got it?”

“I got it!” Benzie cried, throwing his mop to the porch and racing down the stairs to the wagon.

Turning to Maron Maloney, Elina smiled and added, “We’ve all been anxiously waitin’ for the show. Can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for us tonight!”

Taika saw Maron smile the most disingenuous smile he’d ever made, and he said, “I assure you, Miss Hogsbreath, it’ll be the best. How do you say, all crickets, no cobblers?”

“Mister Maloney!” Elina Hogsbreath laughed, slapping her knee joyously. “I see you’ve familiarized yourself with our country talk!”

He snickered and raised his eyebrows at the rather unsuspecting halfling, twirled his mustache, and said, “Oh … quite. For now, start by untying the ropes, lad.”

“Yes sir, right away,” Benzie replied. Approaching the wagon, Benzie grabbed a handle and hoisted himself up to its side. When he appeared over the edge, Barty tucked, hissed, and growled at him.

“Woh,” Benize exclaimed, having never seen a honey badger up close before. Realizing he was closer to Taika’s cage, Benzie unthinkingly said, “Oh, hey, you Tiger, um, you’re very big.”

As Benzie climbed in to untie the securing ropes for the cages, Taika issued a low grumble and nodded at Benize.

Benzie paused, for he felt something unusual about the tiger. Taika was patient and steadfast, calm in the face of strangers, and Benize sensed she acknowledged him.

Taika rolled her tail, her ears twitched, and Benzie, now thoroughly sure that the great cat was smiling at him, was taken aback.

Their eyes locked, and, stunned, Benzie uncomprehendingly believed they just communicated.

Maron Maloney unlatched his cape and threw it into the pilot’s chair. He smiled a snake-oil smile and said, “I promise an unusual evening of spectacle and surprise, Miss Hogsbreath!”

Taika rolled her head towards Benzie and glowered.

Benzie narrowed his eyes and whispered, “Um, hi?”

Taika nodded.

Stunned, Benzie froze, glanced back to Elina and Maron, then whispered slowly out of the side of his mouth, “Do … you … understand … me?”

And Taika nodded.

Benzie was stunned, utterly confused. He, himself, had never heard tigers were so smart, but he was definitely going to ask around. Taika, on the other hand, was familiar with halflings and their propensity to be more curious than afraid.

Taika rolled her head to glare at Maron and to draw Benzie’s attention to him.

“Maron?” Benzie whispered, and Taika nodded before glowering deeply at Benize. She exposed her teeth. 

“Danger?” Benzie gasped, leaning in towards Taika’s cage. “Wait, he … Maron’s dangerous?”

Satisfied the halfling was puzzling it out, Taika raised her brows knowingly at Benzie, stared him directly in the eyes, and nodded.