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Friendship Funny Creative Nonfiction

“So tell me more about this pyramid scheme, Ted.” Joe didn’t get it.

“Again, it’s not a scheme nor a scam. It’s a convention of the latest pyramid technology.”

Joe and Ted walked through the jammed parking lot. The convention center loomed in the distance.

“So, why are we here again?”

“I thought I might run into someone.”

“You remember where we parked, right?“

“Of course. Just be patient. It’ll be amazing.”

“Well don’t expect me to buy one. I hate heights…”

They approached the entrance and joined the line of ticket holders dressed in pyramid chic.

“Ted, everyone is so shiny. I forgot my aluminum hat. Will they let us in?” Ted gave him a slow burn. “Maybe I can buy some inside. I always wanted to glow in the dark…”

The ticket taker barely glanced up. He scanned and tore their tickets. They passed through the turnstile.

“Wow! Turnstiles! I didn’t know pyramids had…”

“It’s the convention center. Relax.”

Inside, the crowd intensified. Refreshment stands offered standard fare.

Joe pointed, “Cool! Upside down pyramids! Can I have one?”

“People call them snow cones, Joe. Grow up.”

They threaded through the crowd and up the ramp. Exiting the tunnel into the main room revealed a vast series of displays featuring all things pyramid. Incense filled the vast room. Hieroglyphics and runes decorated suspended banners. The random striking of a large gong reverberated throughout the center.

A large open frame pyramid with sparkling lights running from base to peak hung from the ceiling. It spun slowly and appeared to float. The lights were mesmerizing. Clusters of attendees pointed with gaping mouths. Some wore pyramid shaped hats.

“Now that is impressive. How’d they do that?”

Ted startled Joe. “You good here? I’m going in to check it out. If you can’t find me, call my cell.”

He could hardly look away. “No. Wait. I’ll go too. That’s incredible. Don’t you think?”

Ted pointed down an aisle. “Might as well be methodical. Don’t want to miss anything.”

Booths displayed an array of different sized pyramids constructed from plastic, wood and metal. Some were mere framework while others appeared solid. Most were clones of the Egyptian pyramids.  Others looked more like obelisks.

Ted pointed at a pyramid. “They supposedly share the structure of the carbon atom. I’m not sure why that’s important.”

Joe scanned a brochure. “Maybe it resonates with the carbon in us?”

“As good an answer as any I’ve heard. I bet you’ll hear ‘resonate’ a lot…” Someone hit the distant gong.

“This claims music also shares qualities...”

“They keep your razors sharp, your house dusted, cold drinks colder, longer…” Ted shrugged.

Joe pulled Ted to a booth selling pyramid hats. “Now these are cool,” he laughed. “Can’t you just see me strolling down the street in this?”

“I think it’s you, Joe.”

“I get it. My pointy head, right?” Ted raised his brow. “But this pamphlet says something about orientating to due north. What if I turn my head…?”

“Only turn in ninety degree increments, so one side always…”

“Of course…”

“Don’t forget though, if it’s non-metallic, align to true north. And metallic hats need magnetic north.”

“They’re supposed to focus friendly waves to your brain. Like a lens.”

“Can I get an antenna and get my favorite radio shows? This could be better than cable.”

They joined a group watching a presentation. “…Scientists discovered ancient pyramids under the oceans and on every continent but Antarctica. They may find them there too.”

Joe murmured, “That pyramid kept their drinks a little too cold...”

The man continued, “Scientists think ancient cultures used pyramids to promote health, increased production and…”

“Don’t forget human sacrifice…”

Some of the group looked at Joe. Ted jabbed him in the ribs.

The speaker paused. “Did you have a question, sir?”

Joe went for it. “I’m curious. These superior ancient civilizations which built all the pyramids… where are they now? Why didn’t they continue to thrive?”

The man turned to the growing crowd. “You may think he’s a shill, feeding me questions to help sell my wares. But, I’ve never seen him. Tell them, do I know you sir?”

Joe shook his head.

“You asked an important question though, which I’m happy to answer. You’ve heard of the Military Industrial Corporations Complex?”

“I guess… aren’t they…?”

“Exactly, that vast complex of multi-national corporations conspiring with the government to ensure that individuals never achieve freedom and self-realization.”

“Oh, them…”

“Exactly. You think this a recent phenomenon?” Ted and Joe glanced at each other. People murmured. “Of course not. Governments are always after the little guy. If the serfs gain their freedom, who would pay taxes?”

Ted nudged Joe and they drifted away.

Joe saw Ted’s focus land on the woman in the next booth. “That who you’re looking for?”

Ted nodded and started toward her. A small group listened to her pitch about the pyramids on sale. “…I got blind-sided by the plastic straw ban. The 100% green materials I use resemble PVC pipe more than a plastic straw. But a legal glitch outlawed my tubing. I can’t tell you how many hours of meditation it took to navigate those feelings.”

She glanced at Ted and gave a slight nod. Joe thought she was the most beautiful woman in the convention center. No surprise Ted had sought her out.

She continued, “…For example, a 30-inch base pyramid is perfect for over your bed. The uprights will match the golden mean ratio, also known as phi. Besides improving sleep it keeps your sheets wrinkle free.” The clients murmured agreeably. “…And once installed, no dust bunnies will collect, whatsoever.”

Cha-ching! She answered questions and completed their paperwork. Her customers left happy. She approached Ted and Joe.

“Dagmar, this is my friend, Joe.” They greeted each other. “Is this your booth?”

“I’m covering for a friend. My pyramids are pure acacia wood.”

“Acacia… like in the ark?”

“Very durable and no knots whatsoever.”

Joe interjected, “Very positive. Knots are naughty.”

Ted gave him a look.

A man called out. “Dagmar!”

“Chuck!” She introduced him as Chakra Chuck. Everyone shook hands. “I was hoping to see you today. But I’m in the middle of a meeting right now. Can we meet up later?”

Chuck agreed, offered them a flyer and excused himself.

Dagmar spoke confidentially, “Yeah, nice enough guy but don’t waste your time. He’s a, ah… well I don’t want to say ‘heretic,’ but he’s far outside the scientific consensus on the nature of pyramid power.”

Ted frowned, “Sounds a bit scary.”

“More foolish than scary. No one, whatsoever, takes him seriously.”

“What’s his deal?”

“He’s known as a four pointer. It’s kind of misleading because most people think of pyramids as having four sides and a peak. His pyramids are three sided with a peak. Kind of freaky.”

“Do they work?”

“Some people believe in them, but the energy they generate… substandard… screwy… You know… He’s like a used pyramid salesman.”

Ted turned to Joe who said, “I’m going to look for that gong. Replenish my fairy dust…” He walked away.

“Hi, Ted. Glad you came. Step into my office…” Dagmar gestured toward the large pyramid standing in the booth. It appeared to be constructed of PVC pipe. “If you’re in the market for one of these… ”

They sat together close to the center. She offered tea. “It’s been gaining energy so sip slowly. I have a bottle of wine energizing too, if you stay ‘til closing.”

She explained the virtues of owning a personal pyramid; sharper knives, fresher food, harder diamonds and more apparently limitless benefits.

“How have we lived without them?” he asked.

“I never meditate anywhere else. I know a woman who felt so safe and peaceful in her pyramid, she dreaded leaving it. So I fashioned a pyramid shaped umbrella in case her agoraphobia acted up.”

Ted told her about the pyramid cemetery he found in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. “It’s huge. Several stories high. Modeled on Giza. But much larger. Space inside goes at a premium.”

Dagmar agreed. “Of course, interior placement is everything. The central crypts are the most coveted over the peripheral. No comparison, whatsoever.”

She showed him a wire desk pyramid. “Helps keep your phone charged.” They huddled over it. She turned to him and they kissed.

It was the most intense kiss Ted ever experienced. She smiled, “Those theta waves are killer. Pyramids offer so many benefits.” They kissed again.

“Hey guys!” Joe returned carrying a sheaf of papers.

Ted asked, “Whatcha got?”

“The schematics for the installation I just bought. A shelter beneath a pyramid. This diagram shows how they’ll recreate the interior of the Giza pyramid right under my back yard. The King’s secret chamber sits exactly where the pineal gland sits in the brain.”

“You’re building a bomb shelter?”

“Not a bomb shelter. It protects against everything. Who knows what’s coming? Bombs might be the least of it. Earthquakes… Who knows?”

“You think that spindly construction is going to save you from ‘whatever’?”

“I can’t explain it, Ted. But it works. New Orleans could have avoided Katrina. If they’d built a giant pyramid, it would have deflected the storm.”

“To where? Alabama?”

“Maybe.”

“I’m sure the Alabamans would have appreciated that.”

“Nothing stopping them from building a pyramid too. The whole world needs them. Can’t have too many.”

Dagmar joined in. “See what I mean, Ted? We need to get started. How many can I put you down for?”

January 29, 2021 04:14

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6 comments

Felipe Dylan
08:35 Jul 16, 2021

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John K Adams
17:22 Jul 16, 2021

Thank you for reading my story, if you did. However, I don't appreciate people writing comments which don't even acknowledge my story, but instead, use it to promote some commercial enterprise. There are many words to describe this behavior. Suffice to say, I find it cheesy. Here's a successful love spell for you. Rather than using magic to entice and entrap your women, try minimizing the cheese factor. To each his own.

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Drew Lane
21:06 Feb 03, 2021

Haha, that was really funny. Out of curiosity, did you ever take the Myer Briggs test? It reminded me a lot of INTP humour and connections of seemingly unrelated topics. Really nice.

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John K Adams
23:06 Feb 03, 2021

No, no Myers Briggs on me. INTP? Don't know the acronym. I've been told my humor is, via Huckleberry Hound, right offbeat. Thanks for the comment. Always like feedback.

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John K Adams
23:39 Jan 29, 2021

Yes, who knew there was anything new to say about pyramids? It is a whole sub-culture that I cannot wholeheartedly recommend. But it is interesting to see how people organize their view of reality. Thanks for the comment. I'm glad the story worked.

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19:34 Jan 29, 2021

I'm never going to be able to look at pyramids the same again. Great job on catching my interest on a topic I didn't think I'd care much about. I felt like I was at the convention with Joe and Ted.

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