A Little Bit of Confidence

April 2nd, 2019

I'm looking at myself in the mirror, studying myself. Looking for my flaws, my perfections. I have a lot more flaws than perfections. I'm so clumsy, like a bull in a china shop. I'm socially awkward, I cant keep a conversation going, there's too many awkward silences. I have the biggest crush on the dorkiest kid in school. I have horrible hair, its a reddish brown color with blond highlights, and goes like an inch past my shoulders. I don't understand how God could make someone as hideous and ugly as me. How much did he hate my parents to curse them with me. My body is the shape of a pear, that's what most people say. When they say it, they clench there jaws and force a smile. That must be bad. My thighs are too wide for the rest of my body.

Perfections. Not many. I have ocean blue eyes. And everyone tells me I'm so kind. I don't believe them. My mom say's too have confidence in myself. But how do you have confidence when the prettiest girl in school is your sister. When the smartest girl in school is your sister. When your sister is flawless. When your sister is perfection and your just her shadow. Someone who's just there when she has sleepovers. Not included in them. Just there. Why couldn't I have been born into some family that's exactly like me. A mess. An ugly, stupid, dork crushing, socially awkward, clumsy mess of a family. Where my sister was just as much of a nobody as I was. It's not fair that she gets to be the perfect one. The praised one. I want just one thing that I can be praised for, something I'm good at. But it looks like I'll never get that.

April 9th, 2019

It has been exactly one week since I wrote that. I haven't changed much. Not by looks. Not by personality. Not by coordination. Not by crushes. But I did get a therapist. I had a huge mental breakdown a couple days after I wrote that entry. Somebody finally noticed me. But not in a good way. They told me I was ugly and stupid. They told me to do the world a favor and go away. Forever. I don't know why that hurt so much. It doesn't make sense why it hurt. It just did. What hurt the most is that it was my sisters boyfriend. Alexa was in the bathroom and he came up to me and said it. Just walked right into my room and told me to die. And now I'm wondering if it really would be helpful to the world if I just go away. Forever. Of course, I haven't told my therapist this. That would be a stupid move. And I'm not telling Alexa either. She really likes this dude and I don't want to take that away from her. I don't want to hurt her, just because he made a rude comment. It's not like I'd actually kill myself. Right? Stop thinking that way. It's not good to question whether you want to live.

April 14th, 2019

I was finally able to tell Alexa what her boyfriend said. As soon as I told her she called him and they broke up. She blocked him on all her social media's. She posted on her snap story what a jerk he was. She told them what he said to me. Today at school everyone patted me on the back. Everyone glared at him and said nice things to me. It gave me a sense of serenity that he was the only one who thought that I should kill myself. What a slut. What was even better than all the pats and nice things said combined, was that my crush came up to me and told me that I was worth more than all the money in the world. It meant so much that it came out of his mouth. It wouldn't have meant more if God had said that to me. At the end of the day every one lined up on the side of the hallways and clapped for me as I walked to the bus. It was so sweet. It gave me confidence. For the first time in my entire life I had confidence. And it was going to stay that way. This was the day that I was going to accept myself for who I am. I may get scared of what other people think but I will never let go of my true self.

April 21st, 2019

This morning I woke up and didn't look in the mirror. I got dressed and put my hair up without judging myself. Without feeling like I was stupid. Without worrying about what everybody else thought. I dressed for me and me only. I liked it that way. I didn't care that Alexa had a better outfit than me. It didn't matter because I was a new person since the day I was clapped for. I had gained so much confidence in myself. I felt like I could finally be myself no matter how many people thought I was weird. Their thoughts couldn't change how I dressed or acted, what they thought didn't matter to me. I was my own person and I could dress and act how I wanted. I am Destiny Turner. The one and only. I had experienced a tough time that, but it made me stronger. I wanted to thank that person because without their cruel thoughts, I wouldn't be who I am today. But I hope that person learned to be kinder. A better person. I hope that someday he will have good friends. A nice house. A good job. A nice husband or wife and good kids. That this experience will make him think before he speaks. And I hope he will apologize someday. It would make me feel better if I knew he felt bad. But until then I don't know.