The Desert Flower Mansion

TW: killing, suffocation

A few nights ago—in a certain village in Cambridge, England—a movie about a father and a son going on a trip played in local television. My wife, Arianne, was with me the whole time. It was a good tearjerker. I wasn’t sure why I was moved but I was and it made me feel terribly sad. That same night, I remembered the penetrating grief I felt when I lost my only son. We never went on a trip together. We never even engaged in casual conversation since he never got the chance to learn how.

He didn’t make it a year old.

Arianne apparently went crazy and did what she wouldn’t have done if she was on the right mind. But I never blamed her. It was my fault for not being there by her side. I somehow knew it might happen. I didn’t mean to work too late. It could have been prevented if I just made it in time. It happened too fast, that tragedy. But it also took extremely long. As if the pillow Arianne used to suffocate my son was frozen in cruel time. However, Arianne’s recovery took longer. The pain of ending a life that was inside of you must have hurt so bad.

That night, I felt the need to have a son again.

It had been three years since that tragedy so I thought it was safe to ask her again. I believe that I’m something of a gentleman myself. I never force myself into things that are just not meant to be. For instance, it had been three years since the last time Arianne and I made love. It can’t be helped. She was probably still mourning about our departed child. I never forced my way into her as it may lead to her further impairment. I didn’t want to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. But not forcing myself into her didn’t necessarily mean that I couldn’t try. I’ve always tried. I’ve always went out of my way to ask her if she wanted to do it. But as expected, Arianne always refused me. She made no excuses. I was just dismissed. “Not now, Marcus,” was her reply every time I find the courage to try. Come to think of it, if I had always needed courage, it must have meant that I was afraid.

The day after the longing of a son, I came across this sign in a shady alley as I was returning home from work. The huge letters read: “The Desert Flower Mansion: Where Your Deepest Desires Take Form.” It was odd since a big colorful sign like that went unnoticed. It was as if I was the only one who can see it. Different shades of pretty flowers lie in the sign. What was this about? Who were responsible for this? A band of con artists, maybe? But the sign didn’t appear to be asking for entrance fees or anything like that. It was really, really strange.

As I was about to dismiss the sign like my wife dismissed me (Not today, Weird Sign), the smaller texts below caught my attention. As I read it, I suddenly wanted to take that place a visit. It said, “Make a wish! Any wish! From a huge fortune, the hand of the one you love and maternal blessing! We’ll make it take form!”

Is this perhaps…a window of opportunity? Or a false source of hope?

I went.

But apparently, the host was very late so the wishers must stay in the grand mansion’s grand waiting room. It was a comfortable room with a lot of comfortable chairs, a buffet, a drinking station and even a bathroom. I had to take a leak and found myself in a very mansion-like bathroom. The toilet papers were gold! There was even a shower area. I wonder what that’s for, I thought.

I slowly walked out of the bathroom that might’ve caused more than Arianne and I’s apartment. The waiting room was indeed magnificent! The cream walls with golden curtains struck my eyes more than they were meant to. Paintings of different kinds of flowers were hanging all throughout the room. I believe those were the Desert Flowers. They looked like beautiful regular flowers—but withered.

After I break free from the room’s enchantment, I asked a skinny goth girl, who was coincidently next to me, about the exact time of the event. As much as I wanted to stay and hallucinate about my life in this mansion’s waiting room, I can’t really leave my wife alone. Not again.

The goth glared at me and said, “I’ve been here for twelve days. Lots of people already came and went away. I guess the people in charge want to test whether we’re desperate enough to make our wishes come true.”

I gasped, “TWELVE DAYS?” After the shock of knowing that this girl was waiting that long, I looked around and saw that there were only five people left, including me.

“What are you here for?” she asked.

This girl made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

“I came so my wife can bear a child without doing it.” I saw her scoff but her glare had not disappeared. “You?”

She paused.

“I came here to get a gun that never runs out.”

A…a what? I thought. Did I hear her right or am I still hallucinating?

“If I may ask, why would you want a gun?”

She smiles for the first time. But it was dark and frightening. “Because I’m sixteen and I hate everyone.”

I widened my eyes and stopped talking to her.

Besides the goth girl who wanted a gun that never runs out, I saw a redhead wearing worn out glasses who constantly said, “I’m here to hear the sound of the perfect bell!” No one was listening to her. I saw a tall bald man with a handkerchief on his forehead as if he was terribly hiding the fact that he didn’t have hair. He was holding a picture of someone, repeatedly saying, “I’ll bring you back. That grave is not for someone like you. I’ll bring you back. That grave is not…” as he was hitting his head on the wall. And last of all, I saw a guy my age who was sitting down politely on a bench. He was chewing on what seemed to be a croissant from the buffet. We were the only sane ones here, I suppose.

I sat next to the polite man and gave him my name. He said his name was Benjamin and he was here to find his true father. Oddly enough, he was a fine acquaintance. We both lived in the same village. We both liked fish fillet—the crunchy ones! We even discovered that we dated the same girl back in the days. It felt really amazing to talk to someone who felt like a safe place. Arianne was never a safe place. She was more like a challenge. I had to impress her and do anything and everything she wanted and once she’s happy, then that’ll make me happy too. But talking to people like Benjamin is completely different.

We make each other happy.

Benjamin told me how much he wanted to meet his true father. He said he was tired of being miserable and alone.

“After we see the host, how about we get a drink? Now that I’m here, I’m sure you won’t be lonely anymore,” I said.

He blushed and smiled as if I had said the sweetest thing. I just don’t want to make him feel as miserable as I am. That’s all. I believed that a nice man such as Benjamin didn’t deserve to be tormented by a father who was never there. But what about me? Did I deserve to be tormented by a wife who has always been there?

“I’ll look forward to it,” he said. And it made me feel extremely happy—as if I went and asked him to marry me and he said yes.

So this is what happiness felt like. A rush in one’s chest. A tingling sensation. I had forgotten how good it felt. After all, I hadn’t felt this way since three years ago.

Benjamin told me he had been here for three days and he hadn’t met anyone as nice as myself. I smiled. I didn’t want to give him a why-did-you-wait-in-an-obvious-scam-place-for-three-days look because he looked like he was a little proud of what he said. Or maybe he really believed in this place. Or maybe he had given up and this false hope was the only thing left to keep him going.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m sure things will turn out fine.”

“You should stop saying you’re sure about things, Marcus. Other people might find it unhelpful.”

I looked at him. He was politely sitting down on a chair made for sitting. His food was gone and his eyes looked exhausted.

“Other people? Are you saying that you don’t find it unhelpful?”

He laughed and looked at me in the eyes. His eyes are not as beautiful as Arianne’s. But they have their own beauty. Eyes that speak nothing but purity. Two balls of brown suns. They made me felt uneasy and weird.

“What?” I asked all flustered. Why do I feel like a kid in front of his crush? I’m a grown man!

“Can I sleep on your lap?”

I couldn’t help but blush and nod. He looked really tired, anyway.

“When was the last time you slept?”

“Three…days ago.”

“Why didn’t you sleep for three days? That’s not healthy at all!”

He looked like he was fighting to urge to pass out.

“I don’t know these people. I might get in trouble when I let my guard down.”

“How do you know that I won’t do the same?”

He smiled and teased me by saying, “I’m sure you won’t.”

The moment I told him he can do whatever he wants, he immediately surrendered his body to me. Collapsed, his eyes were suddenly shut. His arms found their way around me since it was really cold. But his breath was perfectly warm. And his hair was perfectly soft. I gently stroked his hair and found it very easing. It felt nice. This felt nice.

I forgot how it felt like to feel this needed.

Unfortunately, I waited for two long days in the so called “mansion that grants wishes”. Seeing how stupid this was, I politely asked Benjamin that I had to leave. “I mean, I can always go back,” I told him.

Benjamin was about to say something but the redhead suddenly said, “Once you leave, you can’t go back. Why do you think I’ve waited here for five months? That guy’s been here for a year!”

The bald man looked at me—whose eyes are now widened and who’s now more shocked than ever—once and then went back on hitting his head.

The goth girl said, “It’s not that you can’t go back. The truth is: you won’t.”

Ignoring what the crazy people were saying, I smiled at Benjamin and said, “Please be careful,” as I went on my way. He didn’t look like he was afraid which made me feel at ease. He also didn’t look like he wanted to say something. But I wanted to talk to him more. And tell him how nice those two days felt for me. But I didn’t because it felt like if I did, I would have stayed longer than I was meaning to. I might have ended up like the bald man who was actually there for a year.

A year with Benjamin didn’t seem that bad, though. But Arianne needed me. I convinced myself that Arianne needed me as much as Benjamin did.

Yes. Arianne needed me.

It was around midnight when I reached my village. I wondered what Benjamin’s house was like. Is his wife as beautiful as mine? Was his wife sane? I walked quietly on the quiet streets of a quiet night. I was actually glad that I got to leave that place. What was I thinking? I was ready to tell Arianne about the two days that I was surrounded with crazy people and a new friend. I was excited to see her. I thought she would probably laugh so hard because I actually thought a shady place can actually make her pregnant. I thought she’d think I’m crazy. Or rather, I thought she’d say, “You went as far as going to that place just to get another son? Fine. Let’s do it. But just this once, okay?” With those thoughts in my head, I felt very happy.

But then, when I saw a suspicious man with a bunch of noticeable hickeys exiting my house where only Arianne and I live, the happiness I felt burst almost instantly. It was replaced with panic, doubt, pain, anger and everything in between. I ran and used my key to get inside my wife and I’s apartment. I ran and kicked the door of our room. And that’s where I saw my wife, fully naked. Her clothes were scattered all over the place which was very unlike her. It clearly meant that a certain someone took them off himself and recklessly threw them away.  “Marcus, I can explain!” she shouted. I felt like I was about to cry. How could he? How dare he! I did everything for her. I did everything I could to make her happy. It was all for her! But…did I really do it for her? Or was it for me? Or was it solely for my unborn son?

I managed to fake my reaction and quietly laughed. “Why are you playing with yourself? Look, you made a mess. Your clothes are all over the place,” I said. She started to laugh as well. And I managed to turn a blind eye to what happened. Because if I told her I knew, she would leave me. And then, I’d have nothing. Not a son, not a wife. Nothing.

The next day, I went to the Desert Flower Mansion and found a very young girl with a mustache, lying on the floor with her arms and legs stretched all-out as if she was bored. Only she was at the waiting room. I guess Benjamin and the others finally gave up, huh?, I thought. As if the weird girl could read my mind, she looked at me blankly and said, “They got in last night. A few minutes after you left.”

“A few…m-minutes?” I asked, trembling. If I had just stayed a little longer, then maybe I wouldn’t have known that my wife didn’t love me. Even if that was the case, I would have been fine with it if I was blessed with a son regardless of my wife’s presence. It would have been fine to raise him all by myself. But I left. And I got nothing. Nothing.

“Have you read the paper?”

I shook my head and asked her, “If they all went in, then why are you still here?”

The girl with the mustache stood up and sighed. “I’m not here to make wishes. I’m but a humble butler,” she said without humility at all.  And then, she opened the golden doors that I thought would never open. She said, “Do you still want to make your wish? If you do, then please wait here. Have a pleasant year!” before she closed the doors.

I read the newspaper when I was in that waiting room. They were just lying there so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to read a little. A school, a few villages away from mine, got wiped out by an unknown shooter. A woman who was long dead has been resurrected. The king has found his lost son and he was, apparently, Benjamin! I stared and stared and stared at the newspaper and then I threw it away.

It was funny, how their wishes came true. The redhead’s wish didn’t make it to the newspaper, though. But it definitely came true, regardless of what the wish was. May it be pure evil, like that goth girl’s wish. Or just pure, like Benjamin’s wish. Or totally impossible, like that bald guy’s wish. It sure did come true—all of it.

I thought it was really funny, how I went home after discovering a place can legitimately make all wishes come true. How I refused to wait for a year despite of waiting for Arianne for a lifetime.

For the rest of my life, I pondered about why I never deserved another son. For the rest of my life, I lived with Arianne. I even caught them in the act a few times without them knowing. He was the same damn guy. For the rest of my life, I always went to the Desert Flower Mansion during day offs or during my wife’s infidelity intercourses in case Benjamin comes back for me. He never did. He was now a prince, after all. For the rest of my life, I lived miserably with a woman who probably never loved me, with a woman who will never give me the son I’ve always wanted. And I never once had the courage to tell her that I knew. Why did I need courage to tell her that I knew? Why did I even need courage in the first place?

I guess I was afraid.