Three for the Road

Author’s note: I don’t approve of animals smoking, drugging farmers, or picking up strangers.😉

“Turn it up girl, because this party is about to be lit!”

Cassie grabbed a cigarette from Heather and struck the match with her polished hoof, giggling as the flame ignited the cigarette. Heather leaned over to turn up the radio, before smoothing out her ruffled feathers, while reclining in the passenger seat.

“I’m so looking forward to this vacation in the big apple. My cousin Thomas says to be sure and take a big bite out of it,“ Heather stated. “I just wonder how big of a bite.”

Penny had dozed off when the blast of music woke her up. Pulling out a small black compact from her purse, she gazed in the mirror while examining the diamond studded nose ring in her snout.

“You know, since I started eating only half of the slop Farmer Jackson dumps into my trough, I have lost a ton of weight.” Putting the compact back into her purse and snapping it shut, she crossed a slender leg, leaned against the cushion of the truck, and closed her eyes.

“I wasn’t gonna let that sucker fatten me up,” she declared while tapping her hooves to the beat of the music. “Do you know that my cousin Clyde was their dinner last Christmas? His sister Racine was their bacon the next morning for breakfast.”

Cassie kept her eyes on the road while taking small puffs on the cigarette, “That was really messed up. I can’t stand Farmer Jackson. He’s a tyrant. I’m so sick of his cold clammy hands touching my udders. He’s too rough and now they’re so tender, they ache.”

The others nodded in agreement. Heather positioned herself in the seat to get more comfortable.

“I know what you mean, I’ve been so stressed that I’ve stopped laying eggs. I’ve had to resort to stealing other hens’ eggs at night while they’re sleeping. If I don’t lay eggs, I’ll be Sunday dinner.”

Cassie extinguished her cigarette in the ashtray and sighed, ”See, that’s why we needed this road trip. All of us are so stressed, we can’t do what God intended for us to do.”

“Do you think anyone will figure out that we drugged Farmer Jackson and stole his truck?” Heather asked nervously while slurping the last of her cherry slush.

”I don’t think so,” Cassie assured her. “Mrs. Jackson won’t be back from visiting her mother until next week. We’ll be back long before then, plus, who would suspect that a cow, a hen, and a pig would know how to drug someone and drive a truck.”

Heather and Penny pondered her line of reasoning for a moment before responding in unison, “Oh, yeah.”

The three of them were half way to their destination when, on the side of the road standing regally was a beautiful black swan.

Heather screamed, “Stop the car right now!” The dilapidated truck came to a screeching halt.

“What is wrong with you?” Penny grumbled, as the front of her head hit the back to the front seat.

”Look!” Heather cooed. “He’s the most beautiful bird that I’ve ever seen in my life!” Cassie and Penny turned toward the striking swan and had to admit that he was indeed very good looking.

“I think he’s looking for a ride,” Heather giggled.

“I don’t think giving him a ride is a good idea,“ Cassie warned.

“I agree, piped in Penny.

“Oh, come on girls. Do you think a bird that fine would be up to no good?” Heather gushed.

Cassie and Penny glanced at each other and then back to Heather, then simultaneously yelled, “Yes!”

Heather pleaded, “Please girls, we are suppose to have an adventure. Let’s start with him!”

After much pleading by Heather, the trio noticed the handsome swan making his way toward them. Gliding effortlessly across the road, he moved beautifully despite the fact that he was on land. As he spoke, his voice, smooth like velvet, introduced himself.

“Hello, my name is Sinbad and I must say that the three of you are absolutely stunning.”

Heather, who was tongue-tied, blushed and let out a nervous giggle. Penny, who had mastered the art of flirting, gave him a playful wink, and Cassie merely rolled her eyes.

The swan continued, “I know you don’t know me but I would be very grateful if you could give me a ride to the big city. I’m going to meet some friends at a pond near a playground.”

“I don’t think we’ll be able to help you,“ Cassie retorted rather curtly. “ You see we are in a hurry and”.... before she could finish, Sinbad was pointing a toy gun in their faces. The girls, who were only familiar with shotguns from a distance, could not tell a toy gun from a real gun. Numbness and fear gripped them as they stared speechless at the outlaw bird.

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to make time,” Sinbad threatened, his tone was firmer and not as pleasant as earlier. The three girls were stunned as Sinbad drew back his big black wing and slapped Cassie out of the driver’s seat. He dumped all of their things on the side of the road with the intention of leaving them stranded in the middle of nowhere. The nefarious swan plopped in the driver’s seat and stepped on the gas while cackling loudly, leaving the group vulnerable and shaken.

The girls stood on the side of the road visibly shocked. Gazing at the road, silence overtook them for several minutes when Heather finally broke it.

“I know you two are angry at me. I’m so sorry. It’s just that he was so gorgeous. I thought it might be fun to have him along.”

Penny stroked Heather’s feathers, “We’re not angry at you Heather. We all were stressed by our workload on the farm and we were anxious to have a good time.”

Cassie chimed in, “Yeah, that’s right and we could never be angry at you. How were you suppose to know that he had a gun.” Heather smiled and the three of them decided that they should head back to the farm.

They had been walking for two hours when the blaring sound of sirens startled them. Two black and white police cars zoomed toward them and Farmer Jackson was in one of them, pointing at the three of them.

Heather gasped, “We’ve been busted!”

Penny surmised, “I’m about to be pork rinds.”

Cassie lamented, “Pasture here I come.”

The cars pulled beside the girls and a pretty female officer dressed in a navy blue uniform stepped out of the car. When she approached the deserted crew, she stooped down on her knees so that she would be closer in height to the three of them.

“Well, we’ve been looking for you.” She turned to a tall slender man in uniform and shouted, “It’s them Ted. We’ve found them. Whoever stole the truck must have dumped them here on the side of the road.”

The relieved animals were ushered into the second police car while Farmer Jackson rode in the first car. As the cars’ engines revved up, the animals looked at one another as huge smiles spread across their faces.

“Well,” whispered Cassie, “I guess that’s the end of our road trip.”

The female barnyard threesome began laughing uncontrollably, as the cars travelled back to the farm.