Beyond Repair

I finally took off the ring. It glistened under the night sky as I twirled it between my fingers. The object which I had once been so elated to receive, now looked back at me with pity. I don’t think I can do this. I couldn’t say a word and he couldn’t even look me in the eye.

The stars seemed brighter tonight. He loved to stargaze and I loved to watch him look up at the sky in wonder. I couldn’t watch him anymore. Our first anniversary together and he said there was nothing we couldn’t fix together. He lied.

He should have tried harder. But he kept saying things like it was my fault. He shouldn’t have said those things. I shouldn’t have been so angry either.

My shirt was starting to feel moist and the grass stains were seeping its way in. My thoughts were already running its course. 

You need to be proactive. You need to fix this. 

I get up from my front yard. With trembling hands I make my way inside the house. I didn’t want to be back inside, but I had to face this. I had to face this now.

I went straight for my phone on the dining table. “I’ll come over sometime today and we’ll talk.” It was the last text from him. 

He never came over. 

I texted him back. “ Is everything ok? You said you would stop by. Call me when you can.” I was completely aware of how needy I sounded. I didn’t care. I was desperate. I felt helpless. 

How could I let it get to this point?

I went to the kitchen , took out the cleaning supplies, and headed to the basement to scrub the floor. Odd time to be cleaning. But since I was a teenager my anxiety found solace in cleaning. I’d wake up at random times and arrange my bookshelf, organize my closet, wipe down all the mirrors or dust the ceiling. It felt good to fix things. It had been a while since I cleaned the basement. I had a good excuse now. On my way up I almost tripped on the last step. It was broken. I forgot about that.

I can fix that tomorrow. 

I took out my phone. 11:13pm. It's been 40 minutes since my last text. I dial his number. It was busy. I knew it wouldn’t ring.

I send another text. “Call me please? I just need to speak with you. Come over tomorrow at least?”

I get a trash bag and start in the living room next. Shards of glass lay on the carpet. Remnants of my anger earlier. I smashed the vase too hard and the pieces were tiny. I throw the pieces in the bag and vacuum the rest. I carefully inspect the table. It doesn’t seem damaged and looks clean. I wipe it down anyway. 

His mom would call in a day or two, upon hearing what happened. We got along great, and she’d be devastated. I still need to be careful with my words. She would be worried and no matter how hard she pressed, I needed to say little as possible. My anxiety sometimes gets out of hand and I say things. Things that don’t help. My head feels heavy and I reach for the couch. 

You can’t let this ruin you.

I spot his jacket on the chair in the dining room. I pick it up and look around, to see if there was anything else. I stuffed the jacket in a duffel bag. 

He had left behind a few things, which he was supposed to pick up. Before things ended, he used to be here all the time. Yes, that's how it went. 

I trace the area from the living room to the kitchen to the basement and back a few times. It looked clean.

I left my phone on the side table in the bedroom and kept the light on. 

Down to the basement again I grab the canvas. It got stuck on the last step as I heaved it upwards.

I have to fix that step.

I loaded the trunk, got in the car and opened the garage door. There was no one outside. I swiftly drove out and turned around the corner. 

No one’s outside. No one saw you leave. 

After 20 something miles, I take out his phone from my purse and turn it on. His phone records would have shown he was near my house, I had to stick with that. “I’m sorry...I stopped by and you weren’t home. I’ll come by later.”  Felt strange sending myself a text. 

I could say I was asleep when he came over. Or I stepped out for a bit? No, I was at home at all times. But if someone saw me leave in the car, I could say I stepped out. But nobody saw you! They shouldn’t have. I'll think about that some more.

I headed towards the forest park, took a side road and stopped. I’d been here before. We’d been here before. Stargazing. There was no one for miles.

I sat in the car for a while staring at the lake beyond. It looked so serene, contrast to the torment running inside of me.

Was there anything I missed? Aside from the basement of course. I’ll give it another round of cleaning tomorrow and fix the step. The trunk I have to do tonight, I won’t be able to sleep anyway. 

I shouldn’t have left the basement door open. I shouldn’t have been so angry. But he said things.

I popped the trunk and dragged the limp structure covered in canvas. It sank quickly. I switched off the phone and tossed in it too.

I’ll go to work as usual tomorrow and in the evening I’ll stop by his apartment. He had cameras outside the building. Those would see me there. Just me checking in on him. Desperate, helpless me. 

The ripples in the lake glistened under the moonlight and my thoughts began to still. I lay down. The stars were getting brighter. I remember how I used to watch him look up at the sky. I look at the lake now consumed with the reflection of the stars. Everything was fine. It was going to be fixed.