Hallucinogenics

Summer is a natural aphrodisiac, isn’t that the way the saying goes?

I have found it to be an outright lie. My girlfriend Jennifer has not had a desire for intimacy for weeks. Which has left me with blue balls akin to two sweaty Smurfs bundled into a sack. Her excuse is, “It is too hot.” This coupled with quarantine has left me in the rather uncomfortable predicament of having no alone time at home to crack one out and any alternative location like going down the park and slapping my pickle in the bushes has not been viable nor in truth would I do that. It does make me laugh to picture it though.

The past few days have been blazing hot, it is like hell itself is breathing on bonnie Scotland. Fortunately, the quarantine restrictions have eased, and we are finally free to roam at least within the confines of the Scottish isles themselves. Which brings us to the here and now. We are about twenty minutes’ drive from the cottage that Jennifer had rented for our staycation. She invited a group of friends that she has known since her university days. I cannot say I am thrilled but it is what it is.

I have a pocket full of rubber-Johnnys and high hopes for the weekend despite the unwanted company. And her friends being present may buy me some time to just be alone and chill. That is what I need, time away from everybody. Even time away from my thoughts would be as desirable as chocolate cake on a fat kid’s birthday. And that is where my recreational drugs come in. I made sure to pick up some green from Bobby down the council estate before we left. I know he laces his marijuana with LSD to bulk up the joint but that serves the purpose of me getting out of my head even better. I already smoked one before we got in the car. It was the only way I was going to survive the journey with Jennifer constantly reminding me to be nice to her friends. I felt relaxed and I had not seen any rainbows and unicorns that the LSD additives usually caused me to see. I was feeling good. For the first time in months, I was feeling better than good.

We turned off onto a dirt road that led up to the isolated cottage. If the horror genre had taught me anything isolation was a bad sign. This was how all those “A weekend in the wood” stories start. A group of friends and an isolated location. I would not be surprised if Angus the serial killer waded out of the nearby loch and killed us all in our sleep. Or maybe we will find some ancient cursed item in the recesses of the cottage that invokes an evil spirit and by the end of the weekend, we will have all gone insane. The possibilities were endless, and they all seemed mildly more attractive than the false joy, I now had to express as we pulled up to the cottage.

Luke and his boyfriend Duncan came running up from the jetty behind the cottage. Ben was wearing tight shorts that clutched his manhood like a second skin. Luke had a long t-shirt that fell to the middle of his thighs. It looked like he was wearing one of those 60’s style mini-dresses or whatever they are called. Jennifer was ecstatic to see her friends and rushed out to meet them. Jennifer’s best friend Sarah opened the door of the cottage and smiled when she saw me. We had both got incredibly drunk the last time we met and there may or may not have been some fellatio that occurred between us. We were both too drunk to remember or that is what I told her. I remember alright. I am just unsure if it was a drug-induced fantasy or something that happened.

I gave Sarah a friendly hug and the feeling of her ample breasts pressed to my chest only made my being as horny as a Quarterback on prom night worse. I got on well with Sarah and not just because she was promiscuous. She was someone I could connect with and have a good conversation with, as opposed to Luke and Duncan. Luke was academically intelligent but common sense was not his forte and Duncan. Well, Duncan was the kind of guy that would try to grab at the water to save himself if he slipped in the shower. Why Jennifer was so fond of them I had no idea. For me, they were the most annoying people I had ever had the displeasure of spending time with. Hence the drugs. I had to be at least partially baked to survive the weekend.

We unpacked in an upstairs bedroom and I snuck out the back to take a walk along the edge of the loch. Once I had reached a respectable distance, I lit up the joint I had hidden in my palm when shouting “I’m going to take a walk.” Jennifer seemed more than happy to let me go, maybe she was enjoying company other than my own as much as I was hating to be around her friends. 

With the first toke of the joint, I knew that this one was a lot stronger than the one I had smoked earlier. I have had a cannabis habit since high-school and even I felt that hit. I held the joint out in front of me as if inspecting it would make any difference to its potency. If I were smart, I would have stopped smoking it there and then. I am far from smart.

I lost track of time, but dinner was ready, and the sun was setting when I got back to the cottage. The small group of friends was standing at the rear of the cottage on the path that led down to the jetty and the loch. They marvelled at the beauty of the sunlight reflecting on the water. I smiled; it was the stupid smile of someone being high as a kite. I starred out at the sun setting and here is how I know I was high, I thought “That murdering star has a higher kill count than any over star we know,” If there are no aliens it is probably true or if there are aliens but they can’t get cancer …

The drug-induced thoughts kept coming. They only ceased when I saw something out there break the surface of the loch. At first, I thought it was a monster like the one in loch ness but then I saw its head. It was a horse, a horse with hooves that pointed in the wrong direction. It broke the surface walked on water like some equine Jesus then disappeared below the surface. I thought “Damn bobby what the hell was in that joint?” but refrained from articulating my question.

I figured eating would lessen the effect and I suddenly became aware of my appetite. I knew we would eat well. Luke was annoying, but he knew how to cook. I think he even had a job as a chef in a posh restaurant. I never paid much attention to him. We sat down to eat, and the conversation went on around me. I nodded in the right places and feigned a chuckle here and there. I was, however, distracted by the two fairies on the table that lewdly gyrated and danced before me. They were like more than a little provocative and looked straight at me as they kissed and wrapped their legs around the very phallic saltshaker. 

I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I almost jumped as it drew my attention back to the here and now. Jennifer turned to me and whispered, “are you alright?” I cannot say for sure what gave the impression that I was not alright, I suspect it may have been my bloodshot eyes, my relative silence or my becoming erect while staring at condiments. It was possibly a combination of the three. I made my excuses and said I was going to get an early night. It was hot and had high hopes of getting any sleep, but I needed to lay down. On the bright side, if Angus the serial killer was due to visit us, I would be to off my head be to notice.

I could see the loch from the bedroom window. The equine shape raced across the horizon. I suddenly realised where I had seen it before or at least where I knew it from. It was in an old storybook my mother used to read. I recalled that such creatures were called Kelpies. I looked more closely, and it drew closer I could see its mane was made up of hundreds of thin snakes. I could see its hooves more clearly now. They faced the wrong direction. The Kelpie was both majestic and terrifying at the same time. It was such a strange thing to hallucinate. I must have drawn up memories of it from deep in my childhood and sub-conscious. The sexy fairies I understood, since I had been starved of intimacy, they made sense but a Kelpie? That was very strange, even for me.

I was drawn from my musings when Jennifer walked in. She had one of my shirts on and the buttons all but fully undone. I almost clapped my hands and spoke to my balls but resisted, my smile alone should have told them that it was time for us to have some fun. The night was hot, and Jennifer still limited the amount we touched although we were kissing more passionately than we had done for months. Things moved quickly, it wasn’t long before my palm was pressed to the heat of her sex and my fingers explored her. I did what I refer to as my “Jimmy Hendrix Guitar solo” to bring her to the heights of pleasure. I was rewarded by her allowing me to make love to her. 

I cannot say it was the most exciting time I have ever had with her or anyone else. She assumed the position that I refer to as the starfish. In my experience, the starfish is a position that only the prettiest of girls ever assume, it is like they feel the gift of actually letting you be intimate with them negates any need for them to actively participate or make some effort towards your enjoyment. I hate it but beggars cannot be choosers as they say.

It had been months and casting my mind back to dinner and the saltshaker riding fairies it was not long before I sent would-be Prime ministers and Nobel prize winners forth in the form of my liquid pleasure. The would-be mess was caught in the rubbery coffin of my rubber-johnny, I imagine if my juices had faces they would all be frowning and had they had minds with which to think they’d be sorely disappointed in being deprived the race to fertilise an egg. These thoughts and others crossed my mind as I twisted the condom and put it in the bin beside the bed. Jennifer said nothing, she gave me a playful slap to indicate she was done with me, then rolled over and closed her eyes. I guessed that was all I was going to get. Better than nothing but only just.

I lay there for a while. I could hear the Kelpie running up and down the loch. It was closer now. I moved to the window and could see it looking up at the cottage. Maybe it was there to warn me. Maybe the undead were about to rise around the cottage and it would carry me away across the loch to safety. Maybe Angus was on his way. Maybe I should not have smoked so much weed that day.

The room was hot. To hot. Even the sweat running down my chest felt warm. I had no idea how Jennifer was sleeping. I went down to the kitchen to get water. The door to Luke and Duncan’s rooms was open. I could hear them outside. A pair of underpants hit the window and I heard the consecutive splashes as they leaped into the water. Luke shouted, “Hey what is that?” and I imagine he did so as a prelude to showing Duncan his ass. I spat water into the sink as I laughed.

Sarah was sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room. The sheets were wrapped around her thighs like a serpent. She wore a satin camisole with lace trim. The lace had fallen to one side and teased a peek at her areola. I could feel myself becoming aroused and quickly asked myself what the hell I was doing? I was standing there watching Sarah sleep like a filthy pervert. I blamed the heat and the drugs and Jennifer’s lack of enthusiasm. I blamed everyone and everything but myself and hurried outside.

I went down to the jetty; I had my vape pen with me and took a long draw. I wanted to smoke but having another joint would be ill-advised. I always do my best thinking late at night. I think it is partially because anything I plan or decide to do, I still will not have to do until tomorrow. These thoughts and other inane thoughts like “If you are scared of being alone in the dark, you are really scared of not being alone in the dark.” crossed my mind.

I looked out over the loch to see if I could spot Luke and Duncan in the moonlight. They were no longer in the water or had moved away to get some privacy. Them being out there in the darkness made me feel uneasy. I found myself worrying about where they were. Another part of me guessed they were probably off in the bushes having some fun and I should leave them to it.

I blew a long cloud of cherry flavoured smoke out across the surface of the loch. The moon above was bright in the cloudless sky. It was still hot, even dangling my feet off the edge of the jetty did not cool me down, despite the water being cold. I heard the neigh of a horse. It was the Kelpie. It looked like it had been carved from obsidian, its muscular body was as black as the sky above. I impressed myself with the details I was able to hallucinate. Although I was somewhat disappointed that the effect of the LSD had not worn off. The Kelpie turned and disappeared into the loch once more.

It was getting hotter. I decided to take a dip in the loch, I was sure Luke and Duncan were around somewhere should I get into trouble, although I would never live it down if one of them saved me from drowning. To avoid embarrassment, I decided that I would just paddle near the edge.

Like a grannie on the beach, I waded into the loch with apprehensive steps. The water was cool. It soothed me as it washed over my hot skin. It felt amazing. I dipped my head into the starlit water there was a steep slope downwards a few feet in front of me and it was from there that I saw Duncan’s bloated face staring up with sightless eyes. I swallowed a mouthful of water as I screamed beneath the surface. I fell backward in the mud of the loch and turned to see Luke’s swollen body bounce off the jetty and drift back out into the loch. I pushed my wet hair back out of my face and frantically scrambled towards the shore but with every stroke, I felt like I was getting further away rather than closer. I could hear someone screaming, then I realised the screams were my own.

Jennifer and Sarah had awoken to my cries and rushed out. They shone torches in my direction, and I reached out imploring them to help. Jennifer pointed beyond me and her eyes went wide with terror. I turned to see what she was pointing at and saw the Kelpie towering over me. How could she see it? That was the last thought that crossed my mind as its hooves struck my skull and my world turned black.