I don’t think I’m a living being.
I mean- you must be confused right? What do I exactly mean, don’t I ”perform” the 7 characteristics of living organisms? If you think I don’t, how am I even typing this out? If you do... well I think I’m a different person.
I don’t usually tell this to many people often, but I can’t depend on myself. I feel so lost since I got to University. You know that feeling when you feel like you‘re left alone in the middle of the desert and you have absolutely nowhere to go. Congratulations, that’s how I feel too. My whole entire life as a teenager I’ve know exactly what to do: study, get good grades, repeat. That’s what I have done all along. Up until now. I can’t believe it. It sounds like I‘m acting like a baby, huh? Same, I think so too.
But, what can I do? I used to have so many friends who’d hang out with me and party with me all night. They’d throw a rock to bump my hostel window slightly and I’d sneak outside my door, tip toeing carefully, not making a sound out the door. Then we’d go to different parties in different sorority group halls and we’d drink till we drop. And, we’d dance and dance till 4.00 a.m in the morning. I’d remember we were really late to class all the time and I usually got bad grades if I’d gone outside the day or week before. Once I remember my “clan” and I got caught by a bunch of professors and police at night. We had no idea whatsoever that something like that would happen. Ideally, the police came around midnight to do some checkups on the hostels, you know basic drug-alcohol abuse. Gosh, we did some hardcore drinking that night. The last thing I remember was my dad coming to the police station with his night robe and sleeping mask. He said, “Gosh, Dina. When will you ever stop getting into trouble, sweet pea?”
Now I’m in my mid 20s. I graduated college about three years ago and I’m a professionally trained IT engineer. I am academically qualified but let me give you a piece of advice good person. Listen very carefully. I know a lot-many people who are so smart and are all ‘prodigies‘ in almost everything they do. But, let me tell you, none are happy with the way their lives turned out. Do you know why? Let me give you a simple simple answer. They acquire 100% of book and brain knowledge, whatever, but they acquire 0% of mental happiness. They seem so lonely. Look so sad. Unhappy. Discouraged. Mentally ill. All because of the emptiness of their lives. They don’t know what real living is. Real living is smelling the rose bushes that have newly blossomed, or going out in your favourite spring time dress and dancing like a princess in the happy sun. You don’t care what people think, you’re the real you. It doesn’t matter how you look, how “intelligent” you are or what clothes you wear. It’s all about what you put in your brain. That’s all there is to it, dear friend.
Unfortunately, I’ve learnt that late. I’m still lonely no matter how much I self motivate myself or find the happiness in every little thing. If you’re anything like me, you’ll know the struggle and how desperate it is to rely on people you don’t know for happiness, joy, exhilaration, madness, craziness, sadness, compassion and curiousness. I rely on things like Korean dramas or tv shows that make me feel good with myself. Every time I watch an episode I feel excited and super curious to know what’ll happen next. They feel the emptiness that I feel so deep within my heart. Even though they don’t know that, I’m glad that they’re always there waiting to be recognised on my iPad. I love you, iPad.
Whenever I feel sad, I look out the window and I gaze at the schoolchildren running with their backpacks, one strap hanging off their shoulder, catching up with all the latest gossip with their buddies to the bus. Their hair strands swish in the wind, but they don’t care. Not at all. I watch the birds fluttering about in the sky, like troops, never leaving behind the other. They soar high above in the sky, and sometimes I wish I could be like them. I look at the cars zooming in and out like in a car race, heading to their destinations to avoid traffic congestion in rush hours.
Have you ever felt like you had a magic carpet like in Aladdin to go far far away from whatever situation you’re facing. To just leave everything behind and let go. Feel the air embracing you, let your hands wiggle up in the sky, letting your hair flow with the wind. Breathing in and respiring the fresh oxygen let out by our green friends.
I’d like to just explore the world. Meet someone whom I’d like to be with forever till the end of the days. Eat different food, try new things and just being free. Feeling no care about what I’ll do. I will let my heart to guide me, and I will do as it pleases, one day.
But, for now, I’m stuck in my tiny good for nothing house, with a useless fat cat and no bread left in the refrigerator. I’ll wake up every morning, rushing off of the house with a cracked wristwatch and a half eaten granola bar in my mouth, saliva dripping off my mouth. In the back of my head, I’d remember the MacBook my crazy cat broke and the coffee machine still going on. I’d remember the unlocked door and I’d wait for the robbed house when I get back. I won’t report the robber, neither will I kill my fat cat. I won’t ever wash my dirty, stinky and sweaty clothes with no taste, I’d never ever unload the dishwasher and clean out my closet. I’ll pray every morning, hoping that my dream would come true. Hoping that my boss would also stop treating me like I’m not a human being. I’d pray that he’d finally stop flicking at my face, call me terrible nicknames and wish that I’d resign. I’d forget about all my coworkers who humiliated me everyday, calling me a stupid, mental, and wheelchair fool every single second. I’d hate how they’d never help me to reach for the file at the top or help me pick my cute panda pen I bought at that downtown stationary store. I’d remember all these things, but I won’t care. Do you know why? Because I believe that one day my dream will come true; that my life won’t be so sucky anymore.