Aboulomania

(Content Warning: violence, and a lot of insanity)

I can’t believe I’m finally ready to tell Doctor Regal my deepest darkest secret. I tap my toes impatiently inside my brown Kingston shoes and twiddle my fingers. Maybe I should have gone with the black ones instead. I think they would have matched my brown skirt a lot better. My belt is black, so black shoes would have been the better choice. 

Why did I choose the brown shoes? Damn this indecisiveness! 

I’ll just have to accept the fact that I look tacky today. At least my shirt is perfect. It’s a wrinkle-resistant white dress shirt, that just goes with everything I wear. That choice was easy. It only took me thirty minutes this morning to pick it out. I’m so proud of myself. I know Doctor Regal will be proud of my progress too. I can’t wait to tell him all about it. 

My eyes dart from object to object in his office, and I notice that everything is in perfect order. The pictures on the walls are perfectly straight and level. The carpet looks like it was just vacuumed, and the books on his bookshelf have a nice flow to them. Heck, even this couch feels perfect. Not as good as my ergonomic couch at home, but let’s face it, no one’s perfect. What really captures my attention is that everything on his desk has its place, and I like that. Oh yes, I like that very much. 

Without order there is chaos, and chaos is never a good thing!

I reach up to adjust my glasses, and I simply can’t help myself not to check my dark brown hair. It must be perfect. I didn’t spend an hour shampooing this hair for nothing. I glance at my phone to check the time, and then I look at the old grandfather clock in the corner to make sure my clock is right. He’s late, and I don’t like that. Oh, I don’t like that at all.

Punctuality is very important and without it, there is chaos.  

Without warning I hear the door open behind me and I pinch my lips together - no - I smile warmly. Yes, yes that’s better.  

“Hello Cassandra, how are you doing this fine morning?” 

I should say that I’m fine, that’s always a good reply. “I'm doing really well, Doctor Regal!” 

Damn!!

He walks over to me with a soft warm smile. “That’s good to hear.”  

I watch as he sits behind his perfect desk, his eyes never leaving mine. He pulls out a yellow notepad and a fancy black pen. This is his normal routine. I didn’t like it at first, but I’ve gotten used to it. 

Doctor Regal pulls his thick oval shaped glasses down to the bridge of his nose and looks at me with big blue bug eyes. With his white hair and wrinkly face, I sometimes wonder if he is trying to make me laugh. 

“Let’s begin.”

I sit up like a board and I feel my eyes sparkle. “I have good news,” I say, searching for the right words. “I think… I’m certain… I know, I just made a big breakthrough!” 

“That’s good, Cassandra!” he says, while writing some notes. “Would you like to talk about that breakthrough and how it made you feel?”  

I shake my head no, and utter, “Yes, yes, yes, I want to tell you everything!” 

Doctor Regal chuckles. “Ok, that’s wonderful. Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

My eyes snap open with excitement like a wild beast tearing apart a criminal limb from limb. I sit up straight on the couch and clear my throat with a loud gargle. Thick phlegm shoots up into my mouth and I start to dry heave like a hellhound choking on a bone. I reach down for a glass of water that is always ready for me every time I visit. The cool crisp water soothes my throat and I feel refreshed, like a soul sucking demon who just swallowed a soul.

“My goodness! Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine Doctor Regal,” I say, getting it right this time. “I’ll start now…”  

Here goes, I'm sure Doctor Roberts is going to be impressed!

"Just yesterday, the mailman came to my front door to deliver a package. I was expecting a new set of knives. Anyway, I told him before - no, no - I asked him before if he could put my packages in a plastic bag, so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting that damn 19-covid thing that's going around."

I stop to clear my throat again.

"So, there he stood with my package NOT in a plastic bag. I couldn’t believe it. No, I could believe it. He is stupid, or smart, I’m not sure which. Anyway, he asked me if he could use my bathroom. I thought about it for a few minutes, and I told him he could as long as he lifted the toilet seat. My toilet seat is very, very squeaky, and I did not hear him lift it. I heard him peeing and the toilet flush, but not the seat." 

I wrinkle my face.

"I could feel anger boiling deep inside of me, kind of like when a person gets mad just before turning into a werewolf. Yeah, like that!" 

I open my eyes wide.

"That’s when the breakthrough happened. I didn’t even have to think about what I was going to do. No... what I wanted to do! I tore open the package and pulled out the biggest knife in the set. As soon as he opened the bathroom door, I slashed his throat which caught him by surprise. I could tell it did because of the way his eyes rolled back into his head."

I scrunch my face.

"I wasn’t expecting his blood to squirt on me like that. When I felt the warm thick liquid spray my face, I screamed."

I open my eyes wide again.

"Ewwwweeeewwwee, it’s on my skin!!!"

I give a half smile.

"I ran over to the kitchen sink and splashed water on my face to wash off that red goo. I washed and washed, even as the mailman fell to the floor with a loud thud. I can tell you one thing, blood doesn’t wash off very easily."

I ruffle my forehead.

"After several minutes, I managed to wrap his body in plastic wrap and rolled him up in my area rug. I asked Travis, my next-door neighbor, if he could toss it in the dumpster for me, and he did. He said it was the heaviest rug he had ever lifted, which made me smile."

I look at Doctor Regal and smile ear to ear.

"That breakthrough felt amazing! I mean, I didn’t have any trouble making my mind up. I was precise and deliberate in my thinking."

I feel so good, for getting that off my chest!

“So, what do you think, Doctor Regal?” I ask, looking at him with a big smile. “That’s really good progress, right?”  

I watch him crease his forehead and I swear he looks confused. 

After a moment of silence, he babbles, “Cassandra, if what you say is true… then you just committed murder. You suffer from Aboulomania, which is a mental disorder in which patient’s display pathological indecisiveness. To put this in simpler terms, the patients have a hard time making up their minds.” 

He stares at me through steely eyes to make sure I’m paying attention, which I am…

Then he continues, “This disorder can be severe. In fact, it is typically associated with anxiety, stress, depression, and mental torment. Sometimes it can affect the patient's ability to function properly in society.” 

My hands start shaking and I can feel butterflies in my stomach. I can’t believe what he is saying to me. Why would he say this to me? I had a breakthrough. He should be jumping up and down in excitement. After years of coming here, he should know how important this is to me. 

“Are you still with me, Cassandra?”

I hear him, but his voice is foggy in my mind. My head starts trembling to match my hands. The room is spinning like a twister sweeping Dorothy away to the Wizard of Oz. I can’t think about this too hard, because I might lose the breakthrough I worked so hard to achieve.

I must act…

“I’m still with you, Doctor Regal,” I say standing up. 

I walk over to his desk and snatch his fancy looking black pen. He looks at me with a puzzled look almost like when someone takes a toy away from a child. You know that look I’m talking about!   

“Oh, I’m still here!” I shout. “Too bad you won’t be here anymore!!”  

I jump across his desk like an Olympic athlete and stab the pen right through his glasses which then pierces his eyeball. Blood squirts on my face making me shove the pen deeper into his cranium. 

More blood sprays my face like a water fountain...no… a sprinkler, yes, a sprinkler. I shove the pen down harder, but Doctor Regal is still squirming. I had enough of this!  

While straddling him, I reach up with one hand and grab one of his thick psychology books from the nearby bookshelf. I hold the pen with my other hand and drive the book down like a hammer hitting a nail. That did the job! His body starts twitching like he had just been electrocuted. 

I rise from his lifeless corpse and you know what? The blood doesn’t bother me anymore. This is another breakthrough!!  

I no longer fear chaos. 

I welcome chaos.

I am chaos!!!   

The End

Daniel R. Hayes