Time and Tea

The sun is setting down on the face of the lake which makes it glistens. The lake glistens brightly on the face of Saani as she smokes away her gushing thoughts. Lakes are the most beautiful sight to look at during winter is what her thoughts are predominantly enraptured with. A vehicle big enough to be a jeep but has features of a compact car passes by whose mirror reflects so strongly on Saani, she finally realizes it’s time for her to go. She squishes her cigarette butt aggressively on to her pocket mirror as if the cigarette had never existed.

Saani enters a small cafe named “Shunya”, a very odd and exotic name for a cafe in America. When she entered, she could feel the uneasiness suppressed by the employees by her coming in at a very inconvenient time. It was not an inconvenient time for the rest of the world but for the ‘Shunya’ cafe, it was at 6 p.m. and Saani always came in at 6 p.m. every Friday for the past three years now. Even if it’s already been three years she’s been a regular customer to come at 6 p.m. every Sunday, the employees were still not used to her coming in. 

Saani could feel the unwelcoming atmosphere from the people inside who were only the employees because no customers came in during this time. When she reached her usual table to the right corner at the very least, she sensed the warm greeting from her smiling friend Marie. Marie had this radiant smile permanently fixed to her countenance. She is sitting in a calm posture and her eyes are lurking as always towards Saani, to hear her speak or say something. Saani smiles back and with grave eyes, she whispers 160. Marie initiates the conversation by saying, I miss going around random places with you. I miss our childhood. 

Saani starts having flashback memories where Marie was the first girl to smile at her when she knew no one and it was the first time she came to America with her immigrant parents. The days when they used to go for long walks holding hands and declared strange street alleys as theirs. The times where they grew up together, the dreams they knitted with each other, and most importantly they were there for each other. Now, it’s different. Saani thought out loud, it’s different. “Everything has changed”.

The waitress said, “Everything has changed. We redid our menu so there won’t be varieties of tea options from now, ma’am.” Saani gave her a cold look. “We just have ‘Darjeeling Tea', ‘Matcha Tea’, and ‘Chai Tea’ for hot options but we have plenty of coffee options if you’d like to take a look.” Just ‘Darjeeling Tea’ as usual please, Saani ordered. “One cup of Darjeeling tea?”, the waitress confirmed. I said, as usual, Saani reproached. “Oh, yes! Two cups, sorry! Anything else, ma’am?” Saani nodded no. 

Isn’t it unfair? I never get to choose what I want to drink. Marie whined. Saani looked down and said I am crazy but they are not. Marie took Saani’s hand and comforted her, You’re sane enough to see me. I never thought I would be able to see you. Saani shrugged her hand and looked away. Marie knew what was going to come, the words that she didn’t mean but felt and that would have hurt them both. The words were not the words she wanted to hear, that she had been going through all of this for three years to hear. So she asked, what’s new with you, every starting line of a conversation that is unwanted but still required. Saani told her about how she’s dropping out of her college and moving out of her parent’s house. She has found her new passion for photography while trying to pursue her career in filmmaking. So, she decided to take photographs of every thing she sees and feels from now on. In order to do that, she had to be free from her family obligations and materialism. Marie asked what else? Saani said that’s it. 

Marie was once a girl full of zeal and passion. She once wanted to become an astronaut, then it changed into becoming a journalist and after a few weeks, it was back and forth between a singer-songwriter and a poet. However, no one knows exactly why she stopped dreaming and all her interests to explore and live crumbled down. Marie was disappointed to hear what Saani had said. She tried to provoke her again. I mean those are the things that you’re going through externally. What about how you feel? You know you can always talk to me about it.

Saani couldn’t hold her tears. With an outburst, she took out all her frustrations and blurted out all her unintended words. You think I am doing fine? I have been asking you for so long, why did you do it? Why did you drown yourself to death? Answer me! Did you not think about how I would have felt? Now, what’s the point of asking how I’m doing? It’s been three years and you still have not said the reason. We were supposed to meet on that day. You were the one who suggested we meet at a cafe for tea when I wanted to tell you something important. But, instead, I hear you’ve left us all right before an hour we’re supposed to meet.

“What was it? What were you going to tell me?”Marie asks nonchalantly. Saani couldn’t bear the heaviness in the air and stands up to leave. Marie shouts, “Next Sunday, please do come like always.” It was the first time Saani left without drinking the tea. The waitress who had served earlier found it strange but still, gathered the payment and her tips.

Next Sunday, Saani contemplated on whether to go to the cafe or not. Is it all in my head. Has her death affected me so much that for the past three years I’ve been seeing her or her figure of a ghost? Saani couldn’t stop her thoughts that were coming on to her bewildered nor her emotions that were making her body ache. She headed to her kitchen and made herself a tea, a proper chai with an adequate amount of milk, water, and sugar for the first time since Marie died. She took a sip but it was bitter for her that she dumped the whole thing on the sink. She thought to herself, I really need someone to talk to me.

Saani finally made her decision to meet Marie but clear things out but this time without any outbursts or hesitation. She remembered how she felt on the first Sunday she met the ghost of Marie during her trip to the cafe. Marie was all pale but she looked lovely in her white nightgown she wore when she killed herself. She was all smiles when she saw Saani and Saani was too. More than horrified, her heart was content to see her and they talked a lot on that day. They didn’t talk about real feelings but superficial things like the President’s tongue slip during his speech, the investigation of underwear winning over a celebrity, and they shared touches of laughter. They promised to visit again next Sunday and without being aware, it was their Sunday ritual. But the plan to relive your childhood always has a bleak result. The more they met every Sunday, the more the sadness persisted around them. 

Upon her arrival, Saani took a deep breath and forced herself to smile long and big. Marie was waiting for her, like always, at the same spot she threw her tantrum and left her. Marie was on her usual white nightgown and a bright smile. Saani wore a different outfit, different than her personality. She was wearing a red dress with a polka dot and a little lace around the neck area. Marie smiled and said you look beautiful, what’s the special occasion? Saani in a serious tone took a long pause. “The important thing I wanted to talk to you on that day,” She glanced at Marie, “ I have always loved you, not as a best friend but as a loving love. It took me years to realize. It took me all the men and boys you dated to find out my own feelings. I tried shrugging off these feelings so I stopped talking to you after we went to separate colleges. I thought these would go away after I stopped interacting with you. But, everything only led me to be with you more and more. I didn’t know how you felt or feel right now but I just wanted to reveal them to you.” Silence. Saani didn’t know what to say after this. She has only rehearsed up to this for half of her life. Marie looked at her after a few minutes. “For 168 days, I waited for you to say this. I always wanted you to be true to yourself.’ Marie had no words to describe how she was feeling to hear the right words after all the wait.

Marie wanted to give her a tight hug. Marie wanted to show her how she’s truly feeling. Instead, she stood up and left. Saani asked her where she was going but she only asked her to excuse her. Saani waited for hours but Marie didn’t return. She left with drinking both the cups of matcha tea. She returned next Sunday to seek the answers but neither could she find the ‘Shunya’ cafe nor could she find Marie. Saani felt lost again but at the same time, she was hopeful.