Reginald's Bane

“Give up... what!?”

Prince Reginald turns red, then white, then greenish grey.

“You’re serious!?”

Seated in Marlin’s den, towering high above the land and palace, Reginald takes time to simmer down. He looks dejected.

“What Sacrifice it’ll be!” he says, eventually.

“Indeed! Think carefully. Things have a way to turn around and bite... I’m only a wizard, not clairvoyant; I can’t predict the ending of this tale.”

Their fateful chat has started, that morning earlier.

“What are you willing to give up for some degree of freedom?” asks the mage.

“Am I to pay you for your service?” the surly prince retorts.

“No, no fee for me; I live to serve. Freedom is dear, however, it claims a price.”

“Well... you know my plight. I’m the third-born son of a most hardy king. My eldest brother’s marriage - and its resulting heir - shifted me back to fourth in line. The second one is now engaged and, if I know him well, will soon produce a string of princes of his own.

“That of course, is not what bothers me. Let them come and claim the throne; all I desire is peace and privacy. There is no sense in me, unlikely and reluctant to be king, still hanging on, playing my minor role in court, compelled to sit through dinners, feasts and celebrations, partake in ceremonial rituals without end. For what? They have no need for me or me for them. You see, I need to break free...”

“Your position in the lineage, counts in your favour, I agree, but there is an obstacle of greater weight we have to face – and overcome.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re too good-looking. People call you ‘Pretty Prince’ and ‘Handsome Reginald’“

“Well, what about it?”

“Your brothers have more clout, but they are dull. Genuinely ugly would have worked, but dull is… well, dull. That’s why you’re not invisible enough to blend into the walls. You’re too intriguing. The nation’s eager to see you wed a beauty worthy of your graceful elegance. You are, alas, dear sir, prime entertainment in our realm.”

“Your point?”

“The price for freedom is…. your looks!”

The prince is calmer now.

“If we should choose to go this way, what should I do?” he asks morosely.

The wizard grins with broken teeth behind his white and matted beard. If anybody knows the magic craft of looking odd and wild, old Marlin is our man.

“Step One: put on some weight; fatten up your winsome face and hide your perfect body in extra layers of flesh. Eat more fat; exercise less. But do it gradually. Any sudden moves will draw attention and thwart our plan. Get ordinary!

“Step Two: neglect your grooming. Be less fastidious about your clothes. Slouch. Sit hunched up in your chair. Look bored and dull; you have plenty of prime models to imitate. Glide gradually away from voguishness.”

“I’m horrified. The price is high, but... I must know. Proceed”

“Step Three: entwine your name romantically with someone plain. Not too ugly, mind, and definitely not cute! No sharpish wit or excess charm. A girl that melts into a crowd, homely and obscure. But once again, tread slowly. Avoid a scandal. Slide slowly backwards into inconspicuousness.

“In a year or two, no-one will really ‘see’ you anymore. Your father is often away at war. The queen has eyes for the new-born baby prince alone. Your brothers won’t miss you, and even if they do, won’t care.”

The virile, handsome prince is in two minds.

“Give up my charm? That’s all I have. But, still, it brings me little joy. Weighed up against a life of freedom, I must consider it!”

He does.

He acts.

He fades away…

Say what you will about old Marlin (“knows no magic”, “ugly as sin” and more), this was a masterplan. It worked – and how! Two years later, our pretty prince, having sacrificed his grace on freedom’s pedestal, is less engaging than his sibs – that is to say a lot!

Maid Mary, his unassuming, casual choice for ‘love’, becomes her role with perfect mediocrity. She is a little plump, compact and plain of face. She has no notions of her own, appears as inoffensive as a lamb. He visits her from time to time. They talk about the weather, news from court, their pets, their kin, just boring stuff. He does not love her with consuming heat, but likes her all the same; she feels the same. They fit each other well, like worn-out slippers on a bedroom floor.

The king, a warrior to his core, is seldom home. The queen dotes on, not one, but four small princelings now. ‘The brothers Dim’ ignore him too. Prince Three is free (for now at least) and savours every bit.

He’s clever though. He chooses just the right events; he’s seen to be seen, makes sure all those who count, acknowledge him. When he speaks, he’s vague and supercilious; he bores the pants off any one whose fate it is to cross his path… then fades into the background scene and slips away…

“Wizard, you’d been exactly right! I’m able now to roam about, put in appearances, then go my way. The people just ignore me, or if one doesn’t, makes no great fuss. I visit Mary enough to show the gossips: nothing more ‘juicy’ is afoot. I miss my dapper image in the glass. One has some pride. But all in all, it’s worth it for the cure. My deepest gratitude is yours!”

Marlin gives a small bow and smile his crooked smile.

And all lived happily… (or not?)

Historic footnote:

But for a fateful choice he made as youth, our prince might have gone down in history as Reginald the Fair. After his father died in war, his family and heirs were wiped out by a plague (which he escaped because he was so seldom there). He had to take the crown. He married Mary. History remembers her as Modest Mary, and him? King Redge the Slob.