Love Bites

Submitted into Contest #148 in response to: Write a story involving a noise complaint. ... view prompt

26 comments

Fiction Funny Happy

My neighbour's biting problem is getting out of hand: the other day she got her teeth into my man's ass.

That was the last straw. That was a stride too far.

Sally was what you could call a neighbour from hell: I had already complained about the noise, her constant banging on the wall in the morning before breakfast time, and a few other issues like giving us the death stare, but it was the biting that did it: I told Martin we needed to move. Only a few doors down would have satisfied me, even though the noise would bother me still, but the risk of getting bitten would significantly decrease.

Besides, I didn’t want to move too close to that creep, Mr Pickles, on the corner.

To be fair to Sally, it wasn’t like I’d never been tempted to do just the thing she did, but actually biting him? That was wild. Of course, she was bonkers and didn’t care about social niceties, that’s why my Martin was branded with her teeth mark, framed in a bruise of dark purple. An ugly sight, but being a gentleman, I didn’t say anything when he pulled down his pants to check as soon as he walked in the door, cussing her out. 

She won’t admit it, but she did it as part of her petty revenge; out of jealousy. Maybe I was lucky not to have my backside near her, when she saw her girl kissing me just outside our doors. I didn’t have the heart to tell Martin that I suspected I was partially to blame: he was quite an insecure man himself, not keen on seeing the girls all over me. So, I kept quiet about it, but what could I do? I was a real stud. 

Only he couldn’t see that nowadays, telling me that I got a little F-A-T, spelling it out to emphasise. “Why can’t you be more like Sally?” he asked, because that horrible persona was in great shape. That hurt. It was unfair. Maybe he thought I couldn't tell he’d been slacking at the gym if he went at all, and though body-shaming was way below me, I had to admit: the dead weight he carried was not doing any favours for either of us. Yet he served me only half a dinner, whilst he chomped on a chocolate bar. The double standard could not have been more glaringly obvious if we made it into a neon sign. “We are supposed to be sportsmen, Martin. Not just me. Both of us,” I reminded him, looking at his snack with resentment, planning my revenge for the injustice. I would remember to fart in his face again. Maybe I should've just brushed it off, as he took a biting for me; it was a painful thing, I would know. I had been one of her victims too before.

“Who did this to you?” he asked me then, rubbing aloe vera onto the bite mark on my bum. I liked my Martin, but clearly, he was not the sharpest tool in the box. Who else did we know, who was that feral? 

Alright, I suppose there was Mr Pickles on the corner, but that midget only came up to my knees so I would’ve had to literally sit on him to make this happen. Which, for the record, was not something I would have ever considered doing. 

I still remember the day when I first saw him; it nearly gave me a heart attack. He was so small. Abnormally tiny. A vertically challenged, grumpy old man. I worried his height might be contagious, but despite my exposure to him, so far I haven’t shrunk. Still, I tried to keep my distance the best I could, just in case. 

The short are closer to the devil.

It was never a bad idea to stay out of reach, when you were dealing with a biter, which he was too, even worse than Sally. He targeted children. The amount of little ones he charmed and then left crying was most disturbing. But my Martin wasn’t a child, and so I figured moving farther from Sally and a little closer to Mr Pickles would be the right compromise for us. I  didn’t want my man anywhere near that moody mare after all.

But Martin didn’t get it. No matter how many times I have explained it, we stayed, and, as the misunderstandings piled up between us I wondered whether we were the best of matches. Sometimes we were having the best time together, but other times he went out of his way to upset me. Like when he painted the fence blue, knowing how that colour terrified me, and I almost stooped to Sally's level to show my displeasure. Or when he insisted I carry him through a puddle. “No big deal, it’s only water,” he said. But what if there were sharks? He wasn’t willing to put his feet in it to find out. We had a big argument and he ended up falling into the puddle. Luckily, there weren’t actually sharks, but how was I supposed to know that? I liked to be cautious. 

However, Martin did not appreciate me looking out for the both of us, and told me things like “you aren’t five anymore” and “Merlin, this is embarrassing!” when I jumped at the sight of an opening umbrella or the falling of his jumper, when he took it off whilst sitting on top of me. 

We fought a lot about those kinds of things when we trained together, just getting upset and not moving forwards: he was never going to be a match for me in strength, he needed to negotiate and I told him as much. “You pull, I pull, do you really wanna see who would win?”

One evening we got home both drenched in sweat after our training. Sally gave us that stare from her window,  and Martin put my pyjama on me, the one his sister bought, with stars, magic wands, wizard hats and cauldrons printed on it to match my name. He grimaced, and he didn’t need to repeat it again for me to know; he thought I looked stupid in it. I caught him glancing at Sally’s smarter nightwear through the window. Did he really want me to be like her?

I pushed him up against the wall and rubbed my itchy head into his chest.

“Oh hey, is that a carrot in your pocket or you’re just happy to see me?”

“Merlin!” he groaned, trying to push me away. “Fuck, I can’t breathe!” He slapped my chest and I bit his side on an impulse. 

“Ouch!” 

I quickly backed into a corner as I realised what I had done. I messed up. He was not going to give me the carrot now. I kept my eyes on him, as he rubbed his side, with his brows crossed. Then, he came to me, adjusted my pyjama and grabbed my ear.

His soft whisper tickled the hairs inside.

“Don’t be like Sally,” he said, biting the tip of my ear before he gave me the carrot. “You are better than that.” I watched as he walked out of my stable, with the sweet taste of the carrot in my mouth.

June 03, 2022 22:55

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

26 comments

Kelsey H
02:56 Jun 05, 2022

I love that you not only wrote a horse story, it's from the horses POV! Of the many (many many many) horse books I read growing up, the ones from the horse perspective were always my favourite. Though I did not click at first it was a horse POV, or even non-human, which kind of added to the crazy/hilarious feel of it. That was just the best opening line of all time I'm sure! Also it was fun to go back and re-read once I knew it was horses and catch all the funny puns and hints, which now make total sense. The gossipy kind of feel of it was ...

Reply

Riel Rosehill
06:03 Jun 07, 2022

An equestrian tag, you say? 👀We'll see how many horsey stories we'll come up with, haha. I'm sure there will be more! Thanks for your compliment on the opening line! And it looks like absolutely nobody realized they were horses for quite some time, which is what I was going for, but I really didn't know if it would work or if it was too obvious! So I'm delighted you thought it was weird people too 😂 PS: love how you call them lunatics xD True!

Reply

Kelsey H
07:39 Jun 07, 2022

But still we love them and want to climb on their backs ... I am so here for more horse stories!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Zack Powell
05:15 Jun 04, 2022

I cannot tell you how many times I've reread this opening sentence. It oozes pure, unadulterated WTF, in the best way. Ugh, I wish I wrote it (even though I don't trust myself with a horse story after that "dapple" incident, LOL). Writing from the POV of an animal is on my bucket list, and this story is a good example of why. It's a unique perspective, and you can cause a lot of intrigue by leaving the reveal for later. It took me a while (a LONG while) to realize this was a horse, but when I did, I was like "Yeah, you know what, that adds ...

Reply

Riel Rosehill
11:35 Jun 04, 2022

Hey Zack!! You weren't exactly wrong about "dappled", so go for it! Also, you know where to find me if you need help with that :D my one use in life, LOL I NEED to know at what point you realised they were horses! And, what did you think they were before? My intention was of course to make everyone think it's people being really odd. I thought "You aren't five anymore" worked great as five year olds (and I mean horses) can be a real handful, I didn't even think how it would work for humans as well, haha. I can't even magine the face I'd m...

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
21:30 Jun 10, 2022

Rarely do I read the same story back to back, but this one demanded an immediate return to the beginning. The first read was like unwrapping a surprise unbirthday gift and finding a shot of the world’s finest tequila in crystal wine glass. “Drink me. You’re a horse now.” The second read was like *whinny* and *neigh* … because I’m a horse. I loved it so much!

Reply

Riel Rosehill
09:25 Jun 11, 2022

This might be my favourite comment of all under this story. Thank you so much! I appreciate you taking your time to read it... twice over! :D

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Michał Przywara
21:17 Jun 05, 2022

Fantastic opening on this one. Others have mentioned it, but I'll stress it anyway. Hard to read that and *not* continue. After that, it kind of normalled out, except there were little weirdness here and there, and I started suspecting something was up. Some of them were almost unbelievable, like Mr. Pickles biting kids, and the shark fears, but the characters clearly found these things normal. About 75% of the way through something clicked, and I wondered if maybe these were animals. I initially thought dogs, due to all the biting, and t...

Reply

Show 0 replies
Bradon L
00:36 Jun 04, 2022

I think this is the first story I’ve read on here from a horses perspective. Such a fun read! I was giggling like a 6 year old girl the whole way through. “That was the last straw. That was a stride too far.” - Masterful use of the puns. “I would remember to fart in his face again.” - my favorite line. Almost made me spit my drink out.

Reply

Riel Rosehill
11:38 Jun 04, 2022

Thank you! That last quoted line is something I would never write in any other context LOL. I'm so happy the humour here worked for you!

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
J.C. Lovero
23:50 Jun 03, 2022

Ri Ri~ Your local hermit making a stop by your gilded throne to say hello! How are things? First things first: loved your first line! If my neighbor got her teeth into my man's ass, worlds will burn! Such a great opener. Second, you know how much I love anything that is a nod to Arthurian legend. Appreciated the name drop of Merlin. I enjoyed the dynamic of the characters and the POV you used. I was getting rom-com vibes out of this, with their chaotic interactions and all of the biting. It was almost meme-like as you wrote it... like, c...

Reply

Riel Rosehill
10:53 Jun 04, 2022

Hi!! Love a hermit visit :D That first line is what came to me first after I was presented with the premise - my boyfriend came up with it, he said: "do stable neighbours but don't reveal they are horses." And yes, world would burn if my neigbours did that (but they're all pensioners, LOL) I thoght of you when I changed the name from Gandalf to Merlin (I always use names of horses I knew, hehe), because I thought Merlin and Martin sounded better together, I was thinking, yeah, there will be at least one word in this story I can tell you ...

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Ace Quinnton
18:22 Jun 09, 2022

Okay, at first, I thought that this was from a HUMAN'S point of view. But clearly, I was mistaken. The things I have been exposed to (thank you society and the internet) made me think of something WAY darker, which I will not say what exactly. Now that I know that this is from a horse's POV, it makes things more lighthearted and funnier! Good job mate. Also, if you are in the mood to read something interesting, would you consider on read the series I am currently writing? It's called Seemingly empty. (Parts 1, 2, and 3). I've been told by o...

Reply

Riel Rosehill
10:40 Jun 10, 2022

Hi Ace, thanks for reading my story and taking your time to comment. I'll check out your stories when I have the time - I've got a lot on my TBR right now, but will have a read as soon as I have the time. :)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Awexis Wafflez
13:52 Jun 07, 2022

The first sentence had me dying of laughter. My mom thought I was going crazy, but oh well. I really liked your story, and if you could please check out some of mine, I’d really like that! :D

Reply

Riel Rosehill
15:07 Jun 07, 2022

Thanks Awexis, I'm happy I made you laugh! I will make sure to check out your stories. :)

Reply

Awexis Wafflez
15:08 Jun 07, 2022

:D

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Aeris Walker
16:39 Jun 04, 2022

GREAT first line. You definitely kept a tight grip on that reveal. I was so disoriented in the first couple paragraphs, thinking of an apartment complex the whole time like "what kind wackos live here, running around biting eachother?" I thought zombies, then dogs, then finally horses lol. So original to write about HORSE NEIGHBORS. Well done!

Reply

Riel Rosehill
17:00 Jun 04, 2022

Thank you Aeris! All credits for that idea go to my boyfriend, I showed him the prompts, and he was like "You could write about horses. Stable neighbours. Without telling the readers it's horses." So I just ran with it! The first line was the first thing I came up with based on the premise. :D

Reply

Aeris Walker
08:43 Jun 06, 2022

That’s awesome. Isn’t it great to have someone to bounce idea off of?

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Zelda C. Thorne
07:46 Jun 04, 2022

Hahaha that first line is another level. I actually thought they were dogs for most of this story lol Should've known you would choose horses! Favourite line (aside from opener) "The short are closer to the devil." 😂 Thank you for my morning chuckle

Reply

Riel Rosehill
13:39 Jun 04, 2022

Thanks Rachel! You might be the only one who realised they weren't human! I had the feeling somebody will suspect dogs as I was writing it, look like I wasn't wrong about that. :D Your favourite line is also my favourite line (of course, aside from the opener LOL)

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Jay Mc Kenzie
06:15 Jun 04, 2022

Haha! This is so well done, Riel. I had no idea they were horses until the reveal, but then EVERYTHING clicked! "Is that a carrot...?" was fantastic. The voice of Merlin was great and your opening, stellar. Well done, and thank you for making this sleep deprived mama chuckle.

Reply

Riel Rosehill
13:11 Jun 04, 2022

Thank Jay! I'm very happy you found this entertaining - I love that I managed to trick everybody with this (honestly I couldn't tell if everybody would figure it out within three sentences, I'm so glad it wasn't that obvious!) - the scenes must have been so weird imagined as people doing/thinking those things, I love that you've read it like that! Thank you sooo much for this comment! Xx

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Martin Eileen
00:50 Jun 08, 2022

REAL AND EFFECTIVE LOVE SPELL CASTER TO BRING BACK EX LOVER URGENTLY, FIX BROKEN MARRIAGE, STOP DIVORCE,STOP TOXIC RELATIONSHIP ETC. CALL OR WHATSAPP +2347025891637 I hear how people are talking about The powerful spell caster called PRIEST OTAME in regard of how he bring back ex lover and helping them get married to their dream lover and i also contact him to help me cast a spell in regard of my ex lover whom i love so much that left me 2yrs ago, but today my ex is back to me and we are happily married with 3kids and i am so much happy for ...

Reply

Show 0 replies
21:19 Jun 05, 2022

Riel, this was hilarious xD I wasn't positive abut the identity of the narrator until we got to the carrot, and then I laughed! so well done!

Reply

Show 0 replies