Swords not words

Welcome to the MilesGatling Daycare Center. Here we provide a joyful, healthy, family-friendly atmosphere for…Uh, fuck me, goddammit. I dropped my ciggy in my pint. Again.

"Can you tell everyone what it's like being part of the chosen few?"

He straightened his harpy-feathered hat and said

"It's quite the adventure. There are places to go, dragons to slay, virgins to I might add haha."

"The only virgin you ever touched is yourself."

"Mr. Paladin, let's let Mr. Archer finish talking. He has the talking wand-"

Mr. Paladin's hand shot for the golden warhammer dangling between his legs.

"With all due respect, yes, that's what I was suggesting er…"

The gnome wiped the sweat from under his pointy hat. It was his resort, a place where heroes who had problems with HR got shipped to.

"I'm bored. I don't wanna hear these weaklings whine anymore."

"Shut up, you glory hog. The last time I checked your kill count was in the mear hundreds. We're supposed to be a team." 

The man who scoffed wore a purple robe with an intricate swirling pattern. A golden pin with *wizard of the year* stamped on the front held both ends of his scarlet cape.

"Team?! That's rich. A sorry bunch of circus freaks," Mr. Paladin said. 

"Come now, friend, we are all essential to the team. We each perform a role to benefit our whole. For instance, I as the designated healer of the party and spiritual advisor am - "

"I can heal too."

Mr. Cleric laughed

"True, but not at the level I can, friend."

Mr. Paladin chugged a mango-flavored haste potion and said

"Why don't you ask your wife who laid-hands better on her, friend."

"Whoa, let's calm down for a second."

The gnome signaled for help. A massive archangel tore through space-time and manifested on top of them. All sank quietly back down into their chairs. 

"Thank you, Mikey. Can I get you anything? A white potion? No? Bye, have a good one. "

The gnome waved his friend goodbye who violently teleported back to its dimension causing the air to catch ablaze. All choked on the smoke. Mr. Archer's feather hat was smoldering.

"Well now that we're all calm, how about you take the wand, Mr. Paladin. As a group leader, what do you think are your strengths and weaknesses?"

"How much time do you have? Where do I even begin? "

"Here we go again."

"You have something to say to me?"

"I do, yeah," Mr. Archer said. " I find your lack of respect for me and my skills distasteful. I'm a talented marksman, a master at stealth and I can detect traps a mile away."

"Don't forget pansy, can't wield a melee weapon to save your life and -"

"Why am I a pansy? Because I have a fashion sense?"

Mr. Paladin rolled his eyes and scratched his gold-plated balls.

"No, bro, it's because you can't run twenty feet with gear in your inventory. Last time I checked you can't even wear fucking chainmail because it's too heavy for your delicate physique."

"Hey I'm a fine-tuned, precision, long-ranged -"

"And another thing: just grab a knife and stab motherfuckers with it. It's not that hard. I saw you use cutlery before, why can't you cut an orc's face like you carve those unicorn stakes? "

"Look, friend -"

"Oh shut the fuck up, father. There's nothing holy about you. The greatest thing you ever did was turn those water barrels into wine. I saw you suck on those two hobbit college girls' toes like there was no tomorrow. "

"Hey, they needed money to pay their tuition, " Mr. Cleric laughed, beads of sweat dripping on his rosy cheeks.

"You nasty motherfucker… And you, Edge-Lord!"

"Are you talking to me, worm?"

Mr. Wizard's hands glowed, ready to cast.

"Yeah, why are you so gloomy all the time? You're bumming me out with your emo attitude. You're always scheming and plotting with that ugly familiar of yours."

"You leave Cinnamon out of this."

"That thing is ugly and smells like a pair of centaur's balls who teabagged a chaos hydra."

Mr. Wizard extinguished the flames in his palms and crossed his legs.

"I kill things by uttering a single word. I leech life from whole battlefields and siphon that power to cast down moons from their orbits onto the Earth's surface."

Mr. Paladin smirked.

"Yet you still need me to guard your dark ass for what seems like an eternity until you can cast your spell. "

"Or me to pick off other wizards from afar with my bow."

"And me, friend, to -"

"To suck some hobbit feet. Shut up, you wanker."

All laughed including the gnome. Mr. Cleric cast bless on himself letting his God's light wash away those evil thoughts.

"Gentleman, it seems we have found your strong point. You are a team of male adventures. The glue that holds you together is your desire to exert violence and death on all living things. There is nothing out there that screams "me and the boys" better than teaming up and venturing into a cave filled with nightmares, right? The glory of combat, the 18+ rating gore, the bags of cold, the bitching magical loot. Am I on the money with my assessment?"

The group stared at each other in silence. 

"Mr. Paladin do you have something else to say to your party?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"That's it?" Mr. Wizard said.

"I'll never question your skills again. Or your foot fetish. Or your crippling inability to fight in close quarters."

"You're a dick, you know that? Fine I accept your apology. Cleric?"

"Yeah what the hell, I'll take it. That's the nicest he's ever been."

"Well then, adventures, you may sail away now. Or you can rest here for 8 hours and cast healing spells. Whatever you decide, remember: you must gather your party before venturing forth. You must gather, you, you, you. Please stop clicking like a noob and do what I say. Right-click and drag. There you go.