Swords not words

Written in response to: Start your story during a team building exercise.... view prompt

10 comments

Adventure

This story contains sensitive content

Welcome to the MilesGatling Daycare Center. Here we provide a joyful, healthy, family-friendly atmosphere for…Uh, fuck me, goddammit. I dropped my ciggy in my pint. Again.

"Can you tell everyone what it's like being part of the chosen few?"

He straightened his harpy-feathered hat and said

"It's quite the adventure. There are places to go, dragons to slay, virgins to I might add haha."

"The only virgin you ever touched is yourself."

"Mr. Paladin, let's let Mr. Archer finish talking. He has the talking wand-"

Mr. Paladin's hand shot for the golden warhammer dangling between his legs.

"With all due respect, yes, that's what I was suggesting er…"

The gnome wiped the sweat from under his pointy hat. It was his resort, a place where heroes who had problems with HR got shipped to.

"I'm bored. I don't wanna hear these weaklings whine anymore."

"Shut up, you glory hog. The last time I checked your kill count was in the mear hundreds. We're supposed to be a team." 

The man who scoffed wore a purple robe with an intricate swirling pattern. A golden pin with *wizard of the year* stamped on the front held both ends of his scarlet cape.

"Team?! That's rich. A sorry bunch of circus freaks," Mr. Paladin said. 

"Come now, friend, we are all essential to the team. We each perform a role to benefit our whole. For instance, I as the designated healer of the party and spiritual advisor am - "

"I can heal too."

Mr. Cleric laughed

"True, but not at the level I can, friend."

Mr. Paladin chugged a mango-flavored haste potion and said

"Why don't you ask your wife who laid-hands better on her, friend."

"Whoa, let's calm down for a second."

The gnome signaled for help. A massive archangel tore through space-time and manifested on top of them. All sank quietly back down into their chairs. 

"Thank you, Mikey. Can I get you anything? A white potion? No? Bye, have a good one. "

The gnome waved his friend goodbye who violently teleported back to its dimension causing the air to catch ablaze. All choked on the smoke. Mr. Archer's feather hat was smoldering.

"Well now that we're all calm, how about you take the wand, Mr. Paladin. As a group leader, what do you think are your strengths and weaknesses?"

"How much time do you have? Where do I even begin? "

"Here we go again."

"You have something to say to me?"

"I do, yeah," Mr. Archer said. " I find your lack of respect for me and my skills distasteful. I'm a talented marksman, a master at stealth and I can detect traps a mile away."

"Don't forget pansy, can't wield a melee weapon to save your life and -"

"Why am I a pansy? Because I have a fashion sense?"

Mr. Paladin rolled his eyes and scratched his gold-plated balls.

"No, bro, it's because you can't run twenty feet with gear in your inventory. Last time I checked you can't even wear fucking chainmail because it's too heavy for your delicate physique."

"Hey I'm a fine-tuned, precision, long-ranged -"

"And another thing: just grab a knife and stab motherfuckers with it. It's not that hard. I saw you use cutlery before, why can't you cut an orc's face like you carve those unicorn stakes? "

"Look, friend -"

"Oh shut the fuck up, father. There's nothing holy about you. The greatest thing you ever did was turn those water barrels into wine. I saw you suck on those two hobbit college girls' toes like there was no tomorrow. "

"Hey, they needed money to pay their tuition, " Mr. Cleric laughed, beads of sweat dripping on his rosy cheeks.

"You nasty motherfucker… And you, Edge-Lord!"

"Are you talking to me, worm?"

Mr. Wizard's hands glowed, ready to cast.

"Yeah, why are you so gloomy all the time? You're bumming me out with your emo attitude. You're always scheming and plotting with that ugly familiar of yours."

"You leave Cinnamon out of this."

"That thing is ugly and smells like a pair of centaur's balls who teabagged a chaos hydra."

Mr. Wizard extinguished the flames in his palms and crossed his legs.

"I kill things by uttering a single word. I leech life from whole battlefields and siphon that power to cast down moons from their orbits onto the Earth's surface."

Mr. Paladin smirked.

"Yet you still need me to guard your dark ass for what seems like an eternity until you can cast your spell. "

"Or me to pick off other wizards from afar with my bow."

"And me, friend, to -"

"To suck some hobbit feet. Shut up, you wanker."

All laughed including the gnome. Mr. Cleric cast bless on himself letting his God's light wash away those evil thoughts.

"Gentleman, it seems we have found your strong point. You are a team of male adventures. The glue that holds you together is your desire to exert violence and death on all living things. There is nothing out there that screams "me and the boys" better than teaming up and venturing into a cave filled with nightmares, right? The glory of combat, the 18+ rating gore, the bags of cold, the bitching magical loot. Am I on the money with my assessment?"

The group stared at each other in silence. 

"Mr. Paladin do you have something else to say to your party?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"That's it?" Mr. Wizard said.

"I'll never question your skills again. Or your foot fetish. Or your crippling inability to fight in close quarters."

"You're a dick, you know that? Fine I accept your apology. Cleric?"

"Yeah what the hell, I'll take it. That's the nicest he's ever been."

"Well then, adventures, you may sail away now. Or you can rest here for 8 hours and cast healing spells. Whatever you decide, remember: you must gather your party before venturing forth. You must gather, you, you, you. Please stop clicking like a noob and do what I say. Right-click and drag. There you go.

May 18, 2022 11:45

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

10 comments

Graham Kinross
05:08 Jun 12, 2022

What RPG is this set in? Is this like you and your friends in a guild? Great dialogue.

Reply

Miles Gatling
06:17 Jun 13, 2022

It's a mix of baldur's gate and might and magic series. The meteor shower is from MM7. I haven't played D&D since highschool but I remember all the stereotypes that came with each class. Thank you, much appreciated

Reply

Graham Kinross
07:20 Jun 13, 2022

I bet there will be more D and D players because it’s been in Stranger Things so much. The show is a great advert for D and D and fun for fans of 80s and Stephen King.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Jexica Marcell
15:12 May 26, 2022

Your stories are so funny! Like, I was imagining the scene but it was so hard to focus on because I was laughing. But this was really good, and I'm glad I got to read it :)

Reply

Miles Gatling
07:52 May 27, 2022

Thank you, Jexica! It's nice of you to say that. Loved your latest story, looking forward to reading more.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Kevin Marlow
04:38 May 20, 2022

"Or your foot fetish. Or your crippling inability to fight in close quarters." My twin brother is like +20 in Jiu Jitsu and +15 in Tae Kwon Do, I laugh in his place. We roll the icosahedron in your honor, sir...

Reply

Miles Gatling
11:13 May 20, 2022

That's awesome. Those hands and feet should be registered as weapons. Thank you very much 😄

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Nicole Of 2022
14:41 May 18, 2022

I always find your stories so funny and adventurous. You do such a great job writing an imaginative story. Making sure the readers understand how everything looks in their mind. Also laughing at the same time. Your stories are just so exciting because of the way you write them. Great job!!

Reply

Miles Gatling
18:06 May 18, 2022

Thank you so much! I'm really happy you read my stories it's what everyone wants in the end. I'm a big fan of your work. Looking forward to reading more.

Reply

Nicole Of 2022
18:09 May 18, 2022

Awe thank you!! Same here!😁😁

Reply

Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply