Feast or famine

Creatures of the night rendered powerless in Covid 19 Melbourne Lockdown stage 4

Melbourne has been a city shut down, the residents are suffering under the strictness of Stage 4. Many suffering severe mental health issues, unemployment, alcohol consumption s rapidly rising. Many people are feeling powerless at under siege by an enemy they cannot see. A virus that has sapped the life out of the city and its people. Once the world’s most livable city it is now a husk. A shell of its former self. Whilst many people are suffering there are creatures residing in Melbourne who are suffering far greater restrictions on their lifestyles.  Restrictions that have caused them to plead for assistance. The following are a series of letters discovered hidden away in the coffers of Parliament house. The shocking response needs to be made public.

To all the Karen’s of Melbourne,

Whilst you are brashly declaring the attacks on your civil liberties, screeching like a galah about your rights…your pathetic civil liberties.

Have you silenced your ranting, just once, to stop and consider the devastating impact of Stage 4 restrictions on Melbourne’s smallest minority community?

Can you comprehend what a curfew looks like to us?  What is does to our feeding

Imagine the impossible situation we find ourselves in with social distancing?

We the Vampires of Melbourne are suffering like never before, an unprecedented suffering…..

Minutes of darkness before curfew…..

You remonstrate about your 1 hour of exercise

You moan about a mask

Huh we have minutes to…to Feed

Now don’t get me started on social distancing seriously just ponder that...1.5 metres…..

So before you squawk and screech like a bloody banshee   ...oh apologies to my banshee friends,

Think about us Vampires, I implore you.

We are fading away, my once chiseled physique is becoming skeletal….

Think hard as we may find your address….

Now my dear, fellow Melbournians can I enlist your support, please share this letter, rally your friends and ask them to sign this letter:

Dear Premier Daniel Andrews

As one of Melbourne’s smallest and underrepresented, hidden communities –The vampires of Melbourne

We implore you to lift the curfew for our community

WE ARE dying, yes perishing in the coffins in which we should be thriving. And no one is keeping a tally of the death toll that COVID is having on Vampires.

We have minutes each day to attend to the needs of being a vampire.

So we are asking for an exemption from both Curfew and social distancing as these laws are inhibiting our ability to thrive and survive.

We are by nature a quiet group, a hidden group by choice, we like keeping to ourselves BUT should we be pushed further we shall rise and rally in numbers  that you have not seen before.

We shall swarm the streets, rise from our coffins in all our Gothic glory and invade the streets of Melbourne, congregate in groups of more than 10 and it will not be a gathering heading to see the Cure…

It will be the Vampires of Melbourne

Thank you

Lycanthropes of Lygon Street

It appears or whiny, lace cuffed, alabaster washed, ferociously fanged  friends have been declaring themselves Melbourne’s most brutally affected minority group…Huh Typical, such …vapid creatures.

Do we have a bone to pick with them, A very big luscious, meaty bone ( but I digress)

Let me set the tale straight.

We the Lycanthropes of Lygon Street have been locked in our flea ridden lair below the streets of Lygon street for MONTHS! Curfew has curtailed our romping and roaming, unable to lurk the streets or HOWL at the moon. Not a single full moon howl. We have paced our like caged humans in Covid lockdown, powerless to fulfil our needs. It’s not like a bloody book club meeting that only occurs monthly, this is deathly serious!

Whilst you humans gather girth around your middles, fat on your frames during lockdown, we are wasting away. Unable to feed our ferocious appetites our pelts hang from our bones like washed out curtains.

We cannot indulge our natural instincts, trapped below the bar .

Our  Plea:

Dear Premier Daniel Andrews

As the most forlorn, forgotten creatures of Melbourne, we the Lycathropes of Lygon street beseech you to ease restrictions for us, just once a month, a reprieve from the curfew.

Once a month our natural urges take over, hormones surge through our bodies. We need to honour theses urges.

Perhaps a deal? I hear politicians are great at deals. We will only roam streets and howl far from your home. In fact point us in the direction of where we can be of use, we can easily assist with rising covid number?

Thank you we await your reply.

Oh a message just came through…WHAT Full moon today September 2 and 3.22pm..3.22pm that is almost five hours prior to curfew….HOWL!!!!!!

Response

Dear community members

It is with great sadness that I read your letters and acknowledge your desperate pleas

The curfew is for the good of all citizens and I must say that it appears my community is potentially safer without you exploring the streets and feasting on people. 

However I am a reasonable man, and I am willing to consider possible options to ease your suffering, to end the pain and powerlessness you must feel.

Would you consider relocating? A change of scenery could be beneficial. I would be more than happy to arrange all transport for your entire community to somewhere that has no curfew or masks. However I would expect something in return. Something that only we can be privy to

Your destination is Canberra, the ACT, in particular parliament house

There are various humans there who I am sure would make for a delectable feast. Please send me your requests, but discreetly. I will ensure all needs are met and we safely transport you to The ACT.  

Once Melbourne’s lockdown ends you will have the choice of continuing to reside in Canberra or return. Although Melbourne in lockdown has more buzz and vibe than Canberra on a good day.

There will be no questions asked

Sincerely Daniel Andrews

Premier of Victoria