Never Let Them See You Bleed

Zoetox was going to be the last in her year to graduate from the Earth Breeding Academy, where she had learned all the dating customs and intimate habits of the Earthbound human. Eventually. As the ultimate test of her abilities, she needed to head down to that alien world, find a partner, and get to work making another little hybrid that would one day take part in that planet’s hilarious and ineffectual government.

She was nervous. But, hey, breeding wasn’t exactly rocket science.

In fact, both species found it to be quite fun, although if her family ever asked Zoe would tell them she worked in Nutritional Supplementary Sciences. And that wasn’t really a lie, was it? Some Alliance races did eat the humans, didn’t they?

"You are going to be amazing,” Catjin told her, as they waited for the next stealth shuttle. Cat was her mentor and had graduated just a few space-months earlier. She was already growing her birth tentacles - at least six. The hybrid she carried would be a strong one indeed. “Just remember, keep your chin up,” she said, pinching Zoe’s humanform cheek, “and never let them see you bleed.”

This was excellent advice. Even in humanform, Zoe’s blood was highly acidic, which, according to the Academy professors, was an “epic buzzkill” for mating humans. This was Earth lingo, which the professors always tried to use as much as possible, but she understood their meaning.

Zoe’d been using a holo-converter that gave her access to the Earth internet, though it was really more of an intranet compared to the quantum connections the rest of the Alliance used. Without the converter, users couldn’t even contact the next system, let alone the galaxy next door. Besides, it was absolutely full of spyware. She would have to remember to uninstall the little gizmo as soon as possible, but in the meantime, it allowed her to sign up for the various Earth dating sites.

That was how she’d arranged this rendezvous with Dmitri.

She went over it again and again on the flight into atmosphere. According to Dmitri’s profile, he was an old-fashioned sort of man in his mid-twenties - prime breeding age - and worked a night shift job. For that reason, he said he dated little, and was nervous about being ‘out of the game’ for too long. That was almost reassuring.

They met at the restaurant, a hole in the wall which specialized in Romanian food. Dmitri had picked it out. After exchanging greetings - and a hug that went on just a little too long - Zoe brushed off her ‘small talk’ skills.

“I’ve never had Romanian food before. I doubt I’ll even be able to recognize what I’m eating.” That was clever and lay the groundwork for any potential confusion once the array of Earth-food was in front of her. She could brush any mistakes off with a ditzy laugh, except… she must have already made a mistake because Dmitri was making a human face that expressed discomfort. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m Romanian. Our food’s not that weird.” There was a moment - Zoe didn’t know what to say - and then Dmitri laughed. “I’m kidding, I’m Romanian by birth, but I’ve only eaten American for the past thirty years. Your face, though! This’ll be fun!”

Zoe laughed too. She didn’t know what an American was, but it sounded delicious, and humans liked it when you laughed when they laughed.

Inside, servers brought plate after plate of strange meats, diced Earth foliage, creams of various consistency. Zoe and Dmitri both ate sparingly, instead preferring to make jokes. Dmitri nearly choked when Zoe made an anatomical joke about a pork sausage.

The servers no longer gently placed the plates in front of the diners but took to slamming them down in a quiet rage. When they got out of earshot, Dmitri leaned in close to Zoe (her humanform heart was aflutter) and said, “I’m not eating any of this shit. Listen, this is the most fun date I’ve had in, oh, a while. What do you say we go back to my place and get ourselves a pizza? And hey,” he punched her in the shoulder, “we can even get extra sausage.”

 Dmitri laughed, and Zoe laughed, and Dmitri set an immense pile of Earth money on the table, “to show that there’s no hard feeling.”

As they walked to Dmitri’s apartment, Zoe took a moment to admire his form. He was pale, likely because of his work, but slim and athletic. He also seemed quite fashionable, for human standards, wearing a black Earth coat to protect him from the cold. The coat had a soft-looking red lining on the inside. She wanted to know what that lining felt like, so she got close and slipped an arm under his coat while they walked. The lining was just as soft as she thought, and when Dmitri also put his arm around her, she knew that all would be well.

Neither of them bothered with the pretense of the pizza.

He kept his apartment with minimal lighting - it’s called ‘mood lighting,’ Zoe thought - and that was just fine. They started the kissing before they ever got through the door. This was what she trained for; this was why her professors had beat their heads with not just one, but all three tentacles. This was Zoetox’s true graduation, and she turned her mind toward her lessons for guidance.

Make the shapes of the alphabet with your humanform tongue. Earth letters, Alliance sigils, humans don’t care.

Flutter your eye-flaps!

Use plenty of mouth lubrication!

And last but not least, in Cat’s voice: Keep your chin up!

Zoe followed this last bit of advice literally, lifting her chin while she fluttered her eye-flaps. Dmitri leaned in and kissed her neck.

There was one lesson that Zoe had forgotten, but it was perhaps the most important one.

When breeding with the humans, take precautions. They have a nasty tendency to bite.

So, it took Zoe by complete surprise when Dmitri sunk his rather sharp teeth into her neck. He held there for a moment while she tried to shake him off.

“Dmitri?”

He began sucking. Zoe pushed, but he did not unlatch. And then he did. Zoe nearly screamed when she saw his face.

“Dmitri?!”

Half of Dmitri’s jaw was missing. The acid in her blood. Of course. Zoe sighed. She’d been so close! There was no way he would want to breed with her now.

“What the hell did you do to me?” Dmitri asked, almost unintelligible.

 “Don’t worry about it. Tell you what, we’ll have a medicbot come down, fix you up, wipe your memory, and you’ll be right as Earth-rain.”

“What?”

“Oh, right. Well, I guess it’s fine to tell you now, with the whole mind-wipe thing coming. I’m what you’d call an alien. So, my blood’s acid, and you got just a little bit too much in your mouth. Well, really, any would do it. I’m kind of impressed you’re alive, if I’m being honest. You would have given me, like twelve tentacles, I’m sure.”

“I’m not sure what that means, but…” Dmitri stood up straighter than before. His jaw was already reforming. “I’m tougher than you think.”

“Hey, that’s a neat trick.” Zoe moved in closer to check it out. “I don’t remember that from my lessons on human anatomy.”

“That’s because I’m not human.”

Dmitri explained the intricacies of the vampire lifestyle to Zoe, who listened in rapt fascination. From creation (which was unlike any of Zoe’s lessons) to vulnerabilities to predation habits and techniques. Zoe understood the last part easily enough; it was very similar to what she had been planning to do. In return, she introduced Dmitri to the existence of the Galactic Alliance, the various science initiatives, and the details of her assignment this evening. Her humanform cheeks flushed.

“So, you never intended to get a pizza at all,” Dmitri said, smiling. “That’s a relief; I kind of felt bad.” His fangs had already receded into his gums; Neither Zoe nor Dmitri would get the satisfaction they set out to achieve.

“Listen, you’ve been really great,” Zoe said, “But if you can’t help me with my assignment, I don’t know that there’s anything left to say. I feel like such a fool.”

Dmitri nodded grimly; he understood disappointment. Zoe got up to leave, but as she did so, an idea seemed to strike Dmitri.

“Hey, wait. Maybe we can help each other.”

“What do you mean?”   

“Hunting partners. You do your thing, I do mine. We’ll leave these humans completely drained.”

Zoe liked the sound of that. “Can we start tonight?”

Later, as she stepped off the stealth shuttle onto the landing pad by the EBA, Catjin surprised Zoetox by tapping her on the shoulder with one large pink tentacle.

“I’m sorry!” Cat said. “I was just so excited, I couldn’t hibernate! I’ve been waiting for you this whole time! How did it go? I mean, ‘give me the deets.’”

“Mission accomplished,” Zoetox said, “but my date kind of sucked.”