Samhain Soulcakes

Submitted into Contest #65 in response to: Write about a group of witches meeting up on Halloween night.... view prompt

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Contemporary Friendship Funny

Kay: Ayyyyyy happy Samhain witchessssss

June: Happy Samhain!!

Ali: yoooo lets get itttttt

Kay: What time yall comin over?

Kay: Ive got like… so many soul cakes in the oven right now

Kay: Just waiting to be eaten

Ali: omg 

Ali: currants or raisins 

Kay: Raisins

Ali: yaaaassssssssssss 

June: I still have to cleanse my tools and finish my alter. I don’t think I’ll be too much longer!

Kay: Sick! You still bringing the moon water? 

Kay: Also Ali, your bringing your tarot cards, right?

Ali: im in the middle of the dead dinner so ill be over whenever thats done

Ali: and yes madame forgetful ill bring my deck

June: I’ve got the moon water! I was a little worried I’d forget too, we don’t get a full moon on Samhain very often.

Kay: Im not forgetful!

Kay: Things just

Kay: idk

Kay: Disappear on me?

June: Well please don’t disappear my quartz again, that stuff is really hard to ethically source.

Kay: … I will replace your quartz that I forgot I had

June: Kaaaayyyyyy…..

Kay: Wait Ali youre having a dumb dinner right now?

Ali: way to change the subject kay real smooth

Ali: but yes 

Ali: p sure the ancestors would prefer “dead” over “dumb” tho

Ali: “dumb” is pretty rude

Kay: Ali

Kay: Have you EVER had a dumb dinner before????

Ali: shit yeah every dinner at my parents house is dumb

Ali: see its rude




Ali: im not entirely sure what ur point is kay

Ali: in fact ur only supporting my “dumb” is rude theory

June: Ali, you’re not supposed to talk at all during a Dumb Dinner! I think that’s why Kay is freaking out- you’re probably offending your ancestors right now.

Ali: ….?????

Ali: im literally not talking are yall high or smth


Kay: T A L K I N G

Kay: TO US


Ali: ok but like in what world is texting talking

Ali: my mouth aint movin n the whole house is silent

Ali: cept for casper but he cant help it hes a dog n there r squirrels outside

June: You know, that’s a good point. I don’t know if the Dumb Dinner doesn’t allow texting. It doesn’t allow talking or phone calls, but I don’t know if anyone’s ever set a modern rule on it.

Kay: I feel like Im gonna bust a blood vessel in my forehead

Kay: Like, yeah, ok, youre not PHYSICALLY using your vocal chords to text

Kay: But ALSO

Kay: Imagine youre some ghost right

Kay: You decide to grace your great-great-great-great-great grandaughters table tonight

Kay: She made you some kickass food and you were a 12th century peasant so youre pumped as hell

Kay: And you sit down to eat some of this rich ass fatty food and visit your forever-great grandaughter

Kay: And then that bitch sits there TEXTING ALL NIGHT



Ali: u sound like my mom when my aunt n uncle fly up from texas

Kay: The AFTERLIFE is a LITTLE further than TEXAS ALI

June: Yeah, I think Kay’s right on this one Ali. It’s the…. Spirit…. Of the thing.

June: Ba-dum-tiss

Ali: i will stop textin if u promise not to make any awful puns again june

June: Ouch. :P

Kay: I will take personal responsibility for any terrible puns June makes while youre busy Ali. Just text us when youre done!! Say hi to your ancestors for us

Ali: alright fine text u witches in a bit

June: Oh hey, Kay, I just finished up my altar and packed my tools. I’m about to pack up the moon water and a certain someone is giving me the eye.

Kay: I really don’t need to know about you and Sams lovelife June lmao

June: Not Sam! Sam’s not even over right now, geeze. I meant Beelzebub.

Kay: …. 

Kay: Where are you going with this June

June: Well, he’s looking at me with those big eyes, like, “Mommy don’t go!” and I feel bad leaving him here. Do you think I could bring him with tonight?

Kay: No

June: …. That’s it? C’mon, he’ll be good, I swear, we won’t even notice him.

Kay: I have two questions.

June: ??

Kay: Is he FIXED?

Kay: Have you bought him a LEASH?

June: I’ll have you know that he was fixed within a month of last Samhain! 

Kay: A month too late

June: Come on, that was a long time ago! He’ll be good this time! I’ll keep a better eye on him!

Kay: Thats what we all agreed on last time but it doesn’t really matter how many eyes are on him when he’s a BLACK CAT in the DARK

Kay: I have also noticed your pointed aversion to the question of whether or not hes got a leash so Im going to assume the answer is no

Kay: which means, regardless of his lack of balls, Bubs is not invited tonight

Ali: omfg no no no

Ali: no bubs allowed

June: You’re all mean. :( Why don’t any of you like my cat? What’d he ever do to you?

June: Ali, go back to your dinner! No texting, remember?

Ali: the ancestors were reading the notifications over my shoulder

Ali: they gave me explicit instructions to text u to stop u from bringing ur asshole cat

Kay: Its not that none of us like Bubs, June

Kay: Its that every single time you bring him to a girls night out he ESCAPES

Kay: That damn cat slips out from under us every time

Kay: NORMALLY we find him

Kay: But last year was the sign. No more Bubs. 

June: Last year wasn’t that bad! He showed up at your door first thing the next morning, Kay!

Kay: Yeah after BONING my NEIGHBORS cat

Kay: Did you know that insane woman went from door to door with a printed screenshot from her Ring doorbell?

June: Oh no. She got a picture of him?

Kay: She waited until AFTER the litter was born so she could look through the video to see if any strays walked by that looked like the kittens

Kay: And sure enough she found a picture of Bubs

Kay: I had to answer my door on a Saturday morning for this lady to shove two pieces of printer paper with pixelated pictures of the unexpected litter of kittens and Bubs walking down the street

Ali: thats what she gets for having an outdoor cat lmao

Ali: among other things

Kay: She had gone door-to-door ALL MORNING asking EVERYONE if the cat was familiar

Kay: Practically accusing anyone who owned a cat of knocking her precious Oreo up

Kay: And I had to keep a straight face while she ranted and raved 

Kay: When she finished I told her I didnt own a cat

Kay: You know what she asked me?

Kay: She asked me if I WANTED ONE


Ali: holy shit thats hilarious

Kay: So June to answer your question again

Kay: Bubs is NOT allowed into my home

Kay: Not unless he intends on going four houses down and paying child support for poor Oreo who now has to raise those devilspawn 

June: Alright, alright. Point taken.

June: Just, y’know, for the record. He is fixed.

Ali: idk if u wanna push it june

Ali: imagine if that crazy lady caught sight of him

Ali: no amount of hexes could keep that woman away from the cat that defiled her poor innocent oreo

Kay: oh FUCK

June: ??? What’s wrong?

Ali: everything okay?????

Kay: brb

June: Let us know what’s up as soon as you can!!

Ali: yeah ill finish up this dead dinner and get ready in case u need us

Kay: Guys

June: ???

Ali: ?

Kay: I got so worked up talking about Bubs

Kay: That I forgot to check on the soul cakes

Ali: oh noooooooooooooooo

June: Oh no!!!!! :(

Ali: please

Ali: please tell me theyre salvageable

Kay: [View Attached Image]

Kay: They are only salvageable if you like to eat hockey pucks in your spare time

Ali: [darth_vader_nooo.gif]

June: Ughhhh no!!! I’m so sorry, Kay!! Do you have any of the ingredients left to make more?

Ali: bubs claims another victim 

Ali: first he came for oreo

Ali: then he came for the soul cakes

Kay: I have the spices but Im out of raisins and eggs

June: Tell you what, I’m all packed up over here so I’ll head to the store and pick up what you need. Send me a list?

Kay: June youre an angel

June: No, silly, I’m a witch! :P And I’m going to have soul cakes on Samhain!

Ali: omg ill start cleaning up rn so i can head over

Ali: we can all do a lil kitchen magic before trick or treating starts

Kay: Yeah maybe our annual “Meet in Kays Lawn to Scare Children” Samhain ritual will have to be pushed back a little to make sure we are all properly soul-caked

Ali: anything for soul cakes

June: Okay, I’m packed up and in the car! Just send me a list and I’ll be over in half an hour tops!

Kay: Will do! Drive safe!

Ali: ill be over in like fifteen i just need to chop up this leftover chicken n rice for casper

Kay: …. That’s not the food that was on your ancestor’s plate, was it?

Ali: …. yes?

Kay: Ill be amazed if you dont end up cursed someday Ali

Ali: whats a witch without a good curse

Ali: alright all cleaned up on my way over

Kay: See you witches soon! Love you all. 

Kay: Hey wait did anyone remember to bring incense? I kinda…. Forgot to buy some

Kay: …..

Kay: Ill just look in my closet

Kay: Some kinda witch lol

October 31, 2020 02:31

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1 comment

Graham Kinross
08:33 Nov 26, 2021

Is this like a group chat on a message board? Interesting idea.


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