Dead Men don’t get Laid

9:03 AM

“Holy shi-”

In one swift, violent, motion a sweaty hand was clamped over my mouth. My back was firmly pressed against the wall and my elbows were pinned behind my back. There was nothing elegant or heroic about the situation I was in, even though it was in the name of love. 

“Listen here Rat Face if you don’t give me all your money,” the thug with an abnormal amount of acne on his chin pulled out a dull blade, “I’ll take it with.. Force.”

I looked at him blankly, I must have looked like an idiot, who truly did have ratish features. Though I will never admit that again.

I decided then and there if I wanted to complete my mission, the most important thing ever entrusted to me in all 17 years of my life, I would have to give this weirdo my wallet. Or I could get stabbed in an alley and die here, alone. I decided to go with the former.

I mumbled something underneath his sweaty, disgusting, smelly hand. He had enough brains to realize if I was going to give him what he wanted he would have to let me speak.

“It’s in my pocket.”

“No the left one.”

“That’s not left.”

Let me take that back, he did not have nearly enough brains to be mugging someone. 

He smiled revealing his gold teeth and started to sort through my wallet. I watched as he found the 20 dollar bill that earned a satisfied grunt, I could even tell when he found the condom that sat between my ID and my metro card. He looked me up and down and laughed, which I’ll be honest did hurt my feelings. Maybe I’m not the most attractive teen alive but don’t just assume I don’t get laid. I am still a virgin though…

Acne Man (that’s what I’ve decided to call him from now on) swiped my metro card and threw everything else on the floor. My stomach lurched. Take anything, anything, even the condom I may or may not use, but not my metro card! If I was ever, EVER, going to get laid, that metrocard was a key player in that fact. 

Acne man must have seen the blood drain from my face and the hope vanish from my body because he waved my card in my face. 

“What Rat Face this important?”

I nodded my head, “Listen take anything but not my metro card! Seriously if I can’t ride the bus everything I’ve worked for my entire life will amount to nothing. Please, please, please. Do you want my social security number? I can give you the password to my bank account. I’ll even help you download the app! They recently updated it so it’s really easy to use. The menu is straight-forward and simp-”

A sweaty hand clamped over my mouth, again. 

“Shut the fuck up or I really will stab you,” Acne man grumbled. 

He must really hate banking apps because he looked pissed. Like I said before dying in an alley sounds sucky. So I decided to shut up. 

Acne man slipped the card into his oversized pant pocket, “Thanks for the money AND the metrocard Rat Face.”

And just like that I was broke, metro cardless, and my mouth smelled like sweat. I probably should have cried, I mean I just got mugged and was left with nothing in my wallet except a condom that I will totally, definitely, absolutely use. 

Instead I was hit with an idea, so stupid, so, so stupid. But love was on the line and wouldn’t anyone do anything for love?

10:26 AM

This is the part where I decided to steal a car. Borrowed would be the word I would like to use but in the eyes of the law I did commit a felony. I really had no choice. No matter how you look at it this was the only outcome. 

The plan was flawless, I could have done it in my sleep, theoretically. The only problem with it was really the fact that I didn’t know how to steal a car. Or drive. But besides that it was basically foolproof. 

I had walked for about 15 minutes and found an okay stealing-a-car-spot. Really it was a parking lot. There were about 60 cars to choose from. From small cars to sports cars to trucks with weird political stickers on them. See, thinking of which car you want to steal will probably be the hardest part in the whole stealing-a-car thing. I wanted something that wouldn’t attract attention. Which meant sports cars and trucks with weird political stickers were ruled out, I didn’t want people to think I was a douche or a racist. That left the small cars, I spotted a mint Toyota and began to walk towards it before I could lose the courage to commit a crime. I didn’t know how stressful theft would be but thinking of her beautiful face and tender arms bravery pumped through my body. 

I made it to the car unsuspiciously. I looked around making sure no one was watching a skinny, rat faced teen, trying to steal a Toyota that probably belonged to a kind, environmentally friendly, human being. I’m sure they would understand why I did what I did. 

I slammed a rock through their window. 

Windows break really, really, loudly. Plus glass does cut you. All those negatives aside I managed to open the car door. I also managed to do it without pissing my pants so another positive! 

The only other problem was that I didn’t know how to hotwire a car. Also the driving thing but that’s not important yet. 

“Please let there be some spare keys hidden here.”

I don’t believe in God but I prayed and prayed to the big man in the sky that if he had any compassion in his heart he would make this easier on me.

I found keys tucked underneath the visor. I should probably start going to church now, right? 

I fumbled and shoved the keys in and shouted with glee as the car turned on. I was at the top of the world, I was practically God (no offense to, you know, the other god).

Here was when my plan really started to go downhill. I had managed to get inside the car but now I had to drive it towards my destination, which hopefully lead to me having sex. 

Really though could driving a car be that hard?

11:41 AM

Driving a car was impossible. There were so many buttons and gears, I couldn’t even figure out how to turn the seat heater on. I didn’t die in an alley but I was sure I would die in a fiery crash, unloved and still a virgin. 

I had to pull myself together and quickly.

I was a bit of a loser, sort of. I didn’t have many friends which meant I spent a lot of time, a lot, playing video games. Driving a car couldn’t be as hard as GTA. I mean it really couldn’t. 

I took a breath and imagined myself in a video game. Decked out with pecs and gold chains dripping from my neck. The epitome of sex appeal, yeah that’s right. 

I turned my blinkers on and switched to the fast lane.

The “fast lane” was actually the highway. I did pee my pants a little. 

“Deep breaths Rat Face,” my condom said to me from my empty wallet. 

Deep breaths and maybe I wouldn’t die today. 

Honestly after the whole condom-talking-to-me incident everything became a blur. I’m pretty sure I almost got in 10 accidents but overall smooth sailing. 

See right when I think things might be okay they aren’t. EVERYTHING SUCKED.

In case you didn’t know cars ran on gas. They also inevitably ran out of said substance. When that happens they stop working. The thing about cars, literally their only function, is to get you from point A to point B so when they run out of the thing that fuels them they become completely useless!

I’m not proud of the profanities that came out of my mouth. I think I even invented curse words that don’t exist. I’ll have to copyright some of those later. 

I managed to pull over to the side of an abandoned road.

Stranded, out of cuss words to cuss, and sitting in a stolen car I seriously contemplated staying a virgin till death. No girl, not even the most beautiful, kind, hot, goddes-

“Hey kid, you stuck?”

I looked up and saw a man with a ridiculously long beard and an oil stained hat. He looked like the kind of guy who would steal a truck with weird political stickers, actually he probably had some. I didn’t get the chance to check out the back of his maybe racist car because I was already asking for a ride.

Begging is a better word for what I did but in my defense when I said I would be fine dying a virgin I was in fact lying. 

Beard guy shrugged and propped his door open. 

Looking back on this it was NOT smart to get in a random guys car. It was definitely dumber than stealing a car. 

The inside of his car smelled like cigarettes and clorox. I thought it was a little strange how strong the bleach smell was honestly. But I decided to not care about other people's cleaning habits since love was on the line. 

“I’m heading to the library, the one on Main Street. Can you take me there?”

He played with his beard a little, “Yeah sure. Names Todd by the way.”

Todd kept his eyes on the road while I told him my name. He looked extremely focused, which at the time, filled me with a sense of relief. I was one car ride away from happiness.

Todd turned to me, “Anyone ever told you you look like a rat?”

I hate people.

I smiled awkwardly, “Yeah once or twice.”

After that we rode in silence for a couple minutes. He turned left then right then left then left again.

Something was up with Todd.

1:09 PM

Todd was a murderer. 

It’s not everyday you get offered the best offer in the world then get mugged then steal a car then try to be killed. If stuff like this has never happened to you consider yourself lucky. Because trust me when I saw this, almost being murdered sucks. I was starting to wonder if it would have been better to be stabbed in the alley…

We turned right once more before panic started bubbling inside my stomach. 

“Hey, Todd where are we going?”

Todd didn’t answer. 

This is the part where I should scream, cry, beg him to leave all my organs inside my body but we already know I’m not that great at proper reactions.

I kind of just sat there. I mean if I was going to get kidnapped I was going to get kidnapped. I was already sitting in his probably-racist-car and I did already steal a car so calling the cops would be out of the question. 

This was not how I thought my day would go.

Right as I was giving up a voice spoke to me.

“Don’tttt diee aaa virgiiinnnnn.”

I looked down at my wallet, my condom was trying to remind me of the values of life!

I had to get out of here fast. Before I could even form a plan we were pulling over. 

My hands were sweating and my blood started to rush to my head. If I wanted to live I would have to not get killed. Simple. 

Todd pulled something from his pocket and smiled at me. It was a much sharper knife than my former mugger had. 

“Kid, this is gonna hurt so try not to scream much.”

I obviously started screaming.

That made Todd very angry. Word of advice, if you are ever in an enclosed space with a killer don’t anger them. I’m an idiot who doesn’t listen to my own advice though. 

He lunged at me with the force of a speedy fat man. I squirmed to the side dodging his knife. I looked around for some form of weapon but could only see a hula girl on his dash. 

Another word of advice, don’t try to knock someone out with a hula girl, it will not work.

Todd, angrier than before, lunged again. This time his blade made contact with my cheek. Tears stung my eyes, pain erupted from my face and I could feel blood dribble down my chin. 

I kicked at him with all the strength I had, which wasn’t much. I slammed back into the car door, my head hit the window. 

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

For a second I thought I had lost consciousness. Red flooded my vision, then black. Everything sucked. My head was throbbing as my vision returned. Tears streaking my face and drool dribbling down my chin.

Todd stared at me for a second, his fat fingers still wrapped around the knife. I bet I was the first person to give myself a concussion while trying to be stabbed. 

“Listen, Todd, you really don’t want to kill me.”

Silence.

A creepy smile formed on his face, “I really, really do.”

And then he stabbed me and I died. 

Or that’s what would have happened if I wasn’t a genius. 

I took in my surroundings again, I quickly looked behind me and realized my thick skull had cracked the window ever so slightly. 

A plan started to form inside my brain. All I had to do was get Todd to apply a little more pressure to the already cracked window and I could slither my way out of his probably-covered-in-racist-stickers car.

I positioned myself right in front of the window and sighed, “Fine. Kill me.”

He lunged and I dodged and the window broke.

I moved faster than I’ve ever moved before. Along with my bleeding cheek and concussed head I probably sprained some muscles that I didn’t even know I could use. 

I ran like my life depended on it, because it did.

2:57 PM

I had no idea where I was. 

Trailers and small houses were all I could see. Kids were playing in their front yards and others were gardening. I walked past a small blue house with a couple children running around. 

They were screaming and splashing water on eachother, in an insanely loud way. My head was aching and all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and sleep. 

Except my condom weighed heavily in my pocket. I had a mission to complete. I had to get my shit together. 

A grimy child called out, “Dude, are you okay?”

I turned to look at her, she had bright pink pigtails. 

The kid next to her, who I assume was her brother, yanked on her hand.

He whispered something along the lines of, “Don’t talk to creepy Rat people.”

I know you shouldn’t swear at children but I’ve already done a lot of things I’m not proud of.

“Listen here you little f****r! I don’t look like a rat. I will punch you in your stupid f*****g face!”

Not a proud moment. 

They looked shocked. I wondered if it was the first time anyone had ever sworn to them. 

I scouted their yard and saw a Hot Wheels themed bike laying on the grass. 

Before I even knew what I was doing I pushed past the kids and grabbed the bike.

“You can’t take that!”

“Mom! MOMMMM!”

“Someone who looks like a rat is trying to take my bike!”

I flipped them off and started to peddle. I could hear an older woman screaming at me, who was probably their mother, but I didn’t look back. 

I thought of her teal glasses and peddled faster.

3:32 PM

Luckily I was almost murdered near my destination! Which was the small, maybe large, I’m not really sure I’ve never been inside, library. 

The whole point of reaching the library was to drop off a 500 page book. I think the last time I read a book was in 6th grade and I remember crying because I hated reading. So obviously the book wasn’t mine.

The book, that would change the course of my life and hopefully eradicate my virginity, belonged to none other than Mia Willis.

The hottest, sexiest, girl in my junior year. She wore teal glasses and had big boobs, but most importantly she had a kind heart. Kind enough to want to maybe have sex with me. 

Last Friday she asked me to drop off this book for her because she had a Speech and Debate meeting. 

She touched my shoulder and smiled, then leaned in and licked her lips, “My parents won’t be home on Saturday…”

All the saliva in my mouth ran dry. I couldn’t even form a response. 

She arched her eyebrows, “Do you know what that means?”

Yeah, it meant Saturday I would finally put that condom to use. 

All I had to do was get the book to the library and then squash my virginity. Waking up that morning I thought it would be the easiest thing ever, obviously it wasn’t. 

I got mugged, committed a felony, almost was killed, probably stole a kids prized possession, but there I was standing right infront of the one thing between me and sex.

I looked around, making sure I was safe from Acne Man and Todd, then pulled out the insanely heavy book and slipped it in the drop-box.

A couple more hours and I would know the pleasures of intercourse. 

That was until I heard the sirens. 

I was f****d. 

9:12 PM

This is how I ended up in jail, still a virgin.