What the Christ... Mass

That’ll be £5.99 please, Mrs Wane,” I grunted, as my eyes were drowning in a tedious liquid that could only be seen accommodated in my body during the Chr... Christmas... Christmas period.

I could hardly even say the word Chris... oh forget it; it was a word that would captivate my vocal cords. My whole body would spasm or shudder at the sudden thought or even saying the simple 9 letter word.

Frustrated, Mrs Wane clinked the pounds (in her hand) and the abundant amount of pennies deliberately; she loved making the staff here suffer with her pennies. Oh, it was dreadfully, breathtakingly, some say weirdly, poisonous. The cakes were not Gucci, they were cheap for Christmas.

Mrs Wane brought her hand forward in a comfortingly sickening way and held onto my hand supportingly as she squeezed in what she thought was comfort. However when your hand is as smooth as a baby’s bum, looks like it is smothered in Vaseline, and keeps on slipping out of your hand, it is definitely not comfort. Her glassy hand was like a literal mirror, I could even see my face through it.

Looking up at her somewhat-called face , trying keep my emotions bundled together, I pulled my lips up to an extent where you couldn’t even see my eyes. This forged smile only brought pitiless emotions for me. As she walked away, I could see the cake in her hands slip slightly. All it took was 99p for a bag but she’d rather take the risk of it slipping out from her frictionless hands.

Spending a day baking was what I needed to cheer me up, but with a bunch of old ladies snogging the cakes, I’d rather be dead. “Grace, where do these go?” asked Tay. This is what employing your friends was like.

“Top cupboard, left. Thanks Tay for helping.” I softly spoke as I ruffled his hair jokingly.

“Back off! Ya little mincey kid,” he sarcastically spoke as he impersonated Mc Gregor from down the road.

Baffled, I turned to face the most amazing, handsome man I had ever seen. The blonde guinea pig that rested on his head, waved at me as he put the magazine (that he had been holding) down onto the counter. Eww! James French, no too many warts.. It was too good to be true, anyway, it lasted for as long as it could. I served him as quick as I could. Once the next customer came:

“Hi, how has your day been, sir?” I rambled on, once I spoke, I couldn’t even shut the yapping old thing.

“Fine, fine... one blueberry muffin on the go. Thank you.” His concentration on his phone, he didn’t dare look up at me once. Yeah, I wasn’t the prettiest person in the shop, but I didn’t look that ugly did I?

Great, just great. Now I was his servant. Head back in the business, wrapping the muffin took one swift moment and he finally looked up as realisation splashed across his face.

He then started stuttering. “S - - sorry. Sorry for ignoring you. Your nose looks so beautiful...” Placing the money in my hand he sheepishly rubbed his neck. His face went scarlet red and it crept up his neck.

“See you around sometime. Thank you again... for the muffin I mean.”

“I get it, thank you for visiting!” I eagerly spoke as Tay looked at me angrily. “What’s his problem?”

James met me everyday after my shift and sugarcoated everything. But he used me just like the others: “James, I’m home!” I shouted as I pounded on his door for the millionth time. “Looks like nobody’s home.”

As I turned around to walk down the steps, the door opened. “Okay, bye honey bye!“ James shouted but turning around it wasn’t to me. It was to another lady. Leaping through the door, I faced him off but in the end it was Tay he took me home and gave a few bearings to him.

One month later, I curled up onto my sofa as I blowed my nose. My eyes streaming with water and regret. “Why is it always me? I have nobody to take me to the ball.” I willingly said. “Tay, can you pass me some more ice cream?”

“You know, I’ve been through girls like papers and they never cry this much.”

“But I really thought, he was the one. You think I should go round to his and say I’m sorry?” I weeped.

“No! Why say sorry to some idiotic, blind fool? Tell you what, I have known you from the day we were toddlers. You thought you had the looks of Katie Piper. The best model!”

“What do you mean thought? I was her. I love her so much! She is so beautiful and glamorous. I hope she gets better and I wish her all the best and I send out all of my love and I...”

“That is not what I meant. I mean I know the perfect guy for you. The guy who comes to your needs when your heartbroken, looks after you, lives just down the road and needless to say, is ridiculously handsome.”

“Wow, he sounds amazing. Who?”

“Me!” He squealed as his face deflated when looking at my suspicious face. “Please, I know what you are thinking, I’m way out of your league. But please. Every time you look over me for a boyfriend... I get j... I mean sad.” Rethinking his words.

“You get jealous, don't you?” I knowingly said. “Fine but I get dibs on who you get to date the next time. Nothing more.”

“No, I meant permanently... oh. You know what, just forget it all. Go with Harry or something.” He grudgingly spoke as tears started to form in his eyes.

“I’m... I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come to your house. Bye.” I swiftly spoke as I collected myself up (leaving my bag and coat) and ran out of the door. He trailed after me, calling my name. I couldn’t do it, I ran on in the blizzard of rain that burnt my skin and thrashed the little warmth left in my body.

I ran on and on, listening to my thoughts pounding around in my brain. The funny thing is, when you are running, the world seems to run with you. Suddenly, a big hand grabbed my cold arm. “God, your arm is so cold.” Shivered the man, also known as obviously Tay. He pulled me close as he wrapped his arms around me. I wept onto his shoulder as he soothingly rubbed my back. “I love you Tay.” I quiveringly spoke.

“I love you too, lets get you home.” He softly whispered.

Then there were two in the bed and the little one said, “I love you Tay, I really do.”

I buried my face further into his solid yet cushion like chest. I never noticed how buff he was. He wrapped his arm around me as he chuckled slow and loud. “Yes, I know I am buff. Perks of knowing you that long that I know what you’re thinking.”

A few dates later...

 “Wow! You look booty... sorry just choked a bit. I mean beautiful.” He announced as he led me to the car.

“You clean up well.” I whispered in his ear, he shuddered at the taste of my cinnamon scented mouth.

“Well, lucky for you, I’ll be cleaning up later... PG in front of the nannies. Y’ know what I mean.”

“Of course,” I giggled mischievously as he opened the door for me. “Thank you”

“Hey, babe. Do you know why the handle is sticky?”

“No, unless!” I shrieked as we both faced each other knowingly.

The air whooshed inside the door. “So, where are we going? Croaked Mrs Wane.

“Oh hey Mrs Wane, oh looks like you dropped your vaseline.” I softly spoke as she bent down. “Tay, close the door! Driver hit the peddle!”

We drove at a thunderous speed, but the driver cleared his throat. “The old crazy lady is catching up!”

Tay and I craned our necks around to see her Vaseline's piled in the boot.