0 comments

Adventure Fantasy Funny

In the shadows of the forest, they creeped. Shambling figures slowly marched forward. Their rotting flesh hanging off their marred humanoid torsos. Rusted weapons grasped in their cold dead hands. The cursed undead sentinels that haunted the forest. Cursed to undying hunger for flesh, they roamed. 

Elowin lined her bow arm against the length of an oakwood. Pressing her weight against the weight of the mossy bark, she felt connected to the forest. It calmed her. Kept her nerves in check. It was a trick her late father had taught him, to keep in touch with nature. It always had a calming effect. And the memory of her late father helped to remind her why she was here, doing this now.

Her azure eyes lined up with one fat headed undead some distance away. The tip of her steel arrow lining up with the top of his skull, the only kill spot for these creatures. She took a deep breath, readied her shot, and then she heard his voice.

“Bet you a silver piece you can’t get hit the far one in the distance.”

Her eyes shifted just slightly, spotting the furthest of the targets. It was within a thick bramble of bushes and branches and was just barely visible. She was impressed that Dirk had the eyes to be able to spot it in the first place.  Her lips curved into a smirk.

“Bet you two silver pieces I can.”

She heard his warm laughter behind him. “OH you’re so on elf girl-“

TWIP! With just one small adjustment of her bow, her arrow went sailing through the air. It sailed past the first target, and past the several others, and struck with the thicket like a lightning bolt. SNIKT! It found its purchase. Like a flame snuffed out, the undead creature made no noise, only shambled down to the leafy ground below, falling to its eternal slumber. A whisp of smoke fumed from its body, showing the dark magic leaving it.

Elowin turned around to face Dirk so she could see his reaction, and so he could see the smirk on her face. “Looks like you’re buying drinks again tonight, orc boy.”

Behind him, she could see her other party members, a dwarven cleric called Rune who had her face planted in one palm, beside her was Chiggens, a goblin wizard who’s green face was turning red with anger, “That’s not the one you’re supposed to kill!!” He cursed at her.

There was a loud howl from behind them, and Elowin glanced back to see her initial target’s jaws were now spread to ungodly widths as it bellowed a dark cry. A swirl of dark energy seemed to billow out of it. Elowin felt hazy for a moment as the dark magic spread. A fog began to rise from the ground. The last Elowin saw of the undead horde before them was all of them turning almost in unison towards the party before being completely concealed by the fog.  

“Dirk bumped into my elbow, messed up my shot!” she exclaimed.

“Ha, nice one elf girl! Fine, I bet FOUR silver pieces I get more heads than you!” Dirk challenged d as he drew both of his battle axes in each hand. He charged forward into the fog, releasing the barbaric war cry of his people.

“So much for an easy fucking job!” hollered Rune.

“You were supposed to shoot the Howler!!” howled the goblin.

“You both are gonna owe us each two silver!” hollered Rune again.

Not sure why I should, Elowyn thought. She then strapped her bow to her back and reached down to her side where she gripped her longsword. In this fog, archery was now out of the question. It was time for some real steel. And she couldn’t let that cocky bastard think she was hiding behind him.

Like a mad woman, but with less vocal fanfare than her comrade, she sprinted deeper into the fog.

“No! Don’t go both charging into the blasted fog!” the cleric reprimanded behind her.

“Since when did we have two barbarians in our party!” cried the wizard who was now stomping atop his spell book.

The fog was thick, and Elowin knew through their own dark magic, that the creatures of the night no doubt could sense where she would be. But her pointed ears, a mark of her Elf ancestry, gave her keen enough hearing to be able to tell roughly where they would be as well. An advantage her partner Dirk certainly didn’t have, as she heard him roaring and swinging wildly ahead of her. She could hear him making short work of the trees around him.

Her left ear twitched, sensing danger imminent. Swiftly she twisted out of the way of a rusted axe strike, and in one movement, unsheathed her sword and sliced a retaliation at her opponent, separating the undead arm from its body. With a second strike, she separated the skull.

Now her right ear twitched as she heard the faint crunching of leaves, and like a viper, lashed out against a shadowy shape ahead of her. One swift strike, and its skull was split in two, sending the body toppling downwards.

“That’s two already, not counting the one from earlier! Have you got any yet? You know you can’t pay me back in firewood, right?”

Despite what she felt was a stingy insult, she could only hear the orc’s deep laughter through the chaos of battle. For whatever the reason, Dirk’s smile was the hardest thing to knock off the sturdy orc.

“Could be I’m at twice that or thrice that, but I’ll have to count mine after the battle’s over sister!”

“Sister!?” Elowin charged, though she wasn’t sure why that word bothered her. “Please, the gods spared me from having to share your good looks!”

She winced as she could’ve sworn she heard at least one of Dirk’s war axes make contact with undead brain matter in the distance.

“Ha, I’ve caught you staring at this handsome mug plenty of times Elf Girl!” Dirk shot back

Elowin felt the heat enter her cheeks, “Oh you are delusional Orc Boy, you must’ve-“ she weaved out of the way of a strike-“-must’ve hit your head before combat, no wonder you confuse undead with trees!” She spun out of the way of another strike and parried with a thrust to the center of the skull. “That, plus you had the foolish audacity to challenge me to a bet!”

“Sure is a lot of fucking talking for a combat session!” hollered their beloved cleric in the back. Elowin could also faintly hear the goblin Chiggens muttering the incantations for a spell to counter this fog.

Then, Elowin’s entire body twitched in anticipation of a threat. Instinctively, she rolled to the side, feeling the pressure of a blade swinging above her. She was on her feet in a second and moved her blade up to protect herself, only to have it knocked out of her hands. She was too slow to dodge the next strike completely, and felt her arm being split open by steel as she then scrambled backwards on her ass. Before her stood a shadowy figure in the fog. It was her first target, the one she should’ve taken out before she took that stupid bet from Dirk.

She tensed up, preparing to roll out of the way, when she saw the shadow suddenly being lifted, replaced by another equally big shadow, and then being dropped backwards as Dirk planted it straight onto its skull. She heard the skull splattering apart on the hard ground.  

It was at that instant when the fog suddenly began to dissipate. Either by the goblin’s wizardry or because the caster of the initial spell was now planted into the ground like a signpost. Dirk glanced back at Elowin, reaching out with a cheeky grin, “Close one eh? Did my smack talk get you distracted?”

She couldn’t help but smirk at his smile, his dumb toothy grin, and she smacked his hand out of the way. “Nope, just giving you a chance to catch up.”

“Are you two done yet?” Rune was suddenly upon them, perhaps her cleric calling instantly brought her to Elowin as she placed an ungloved palm upon the arm and muttered an incantation in her mother language. Within an instant, Elowin’s pain was gone, and the wound was closed.

Chiggens walked up to them handing Elowin her sword. He was an older goblin, and had grey whiskers to show for it. And his stern face gave any lecturing teacher a run for their money as he scolded Elowin and Dirk both. “You are both being careless! For gods sake, I told you before these aren’t just any normal undead and we have a system we need to follow!”

“Why, the Howler is dead already,” Elowin pointed at the makeshift undead signpost.

“Yes, yes, but after the Howler we have to deal with the Swarmer-Oh by the gods-“

A mound of undead flesh that Elowin had already slain slid by them. As did all of the undead they had slain, including the signpost, as they were all pulled backwards as if on a string towards one small undead in the clearing. It was doing a little dance, a summoning of such, and the flesh from the slain began to pile and morph atop it. The flesh began to mold around itself, and soon, there was a towering humanoid form, with no head to speak of in which to silence it.

Chiggens gave Elowin a glare that reminded her of her first ever scolding, and brought back those shameful feelings again.  

“Right, first the Howler and then the Swarmer. Now we know.” Elowin repeated dutifully.

“That one counts as five heads,” Dirk declared. Elowin thought for a bit.

“Deal.”

Despite having no mouth to scream, the hulking undead mass managed to let out some sort of roar that shook the very trees, and then mightily charged forward. And despite often not acting like a team, the four adventurers sprang at once, darting away in four different directions to divert the creature’s attention. Chiggens began to unleash spells of fire bolts that struck the hulk in different areas, searching for a weak spot as it slowly burnt away its flesh armor. Elowin and Dirk danced around the creature with their blades and axes, striking the openings that Chiggens had created. The hulk’s mangy fists often seemed to never find direct purchase on the two, as Rune chanted protective incantations from a hiding spot to shield her two comrades.

Eventually a fire bolt seemed to undo a string within the collection of undead bodies, as a chunk of it slid off, and Dirk saw for the briefest moment the head of the Swarmer underneath. He raised his axe in excitement and roared a fearsome war cry, only to be cut short as Elowin’s blade flew past him, and found purchase in the creature’s skull. Like a crumbing tower, the undead mass fell to pieces, and the undead to their slumber.

Dirk gazed behind him to see Elowin dusting her hands off. He smiled, “Quite a gutsy move throwing your weapon like that. Quite unusual for an elf girl.”

“Yeah, unfortunately you might be rubbing off on me,” Elowin stated with a smirk.

The battle was over. A giant bonfire of undead flesh was set ablaze in a controlled fire by Chiggens, as Rune uttered one last prayer of protection for the forest. Dirk was off looking for the war axe he somehow lost the grip on during the fight, and Elowin had just collected her last arrow, when she turned and saw her two companions staring at her with judgment in their eyes. They stood with crossed arms like two statues. Two mightily disappointed statues.

Elowin shrugged, “Ehem, what seems to be the problem?”  

“Oh, come on, things may not have gone as planned but we got the end result we wanted! We won! And now we can go back to town and collect our rewards and fill our bellies and sleep heartily! I don’t see what the big problem is.”

“You,” Rune started.

“You’re the problem!” Chiggens finished.

Now Elowin gave them both a cold glare. “Me? I’m sorry, why am I getting all the grief?”

“Because you’re the smart one, and recently, you’ve become more careless,” Rune stated.

“There was a system! We had a plan!” Chiggens shouted.

Elowin ignored the goblin as she returned her last arrow to her quiver, “And why must I always be the smart one?”

“Because you’re our leader,” Rune stated. “And there’s more to this, to all of this, then this one mission. You know what we’re building towards, you know what we’re going to be going against one day. You, me, and Chiggens, this isn’t just a one-time adventure. You know what we’re after.”

Revenge. Elowin thought. The three of them, elf, goblin, and dwarf, normally wouldn’t adventure together, if it wasn’t for one common thing to unite them. All three of their homes had been burned down by the Pale King. A mad man hellbent on destruction. She knew that these adventures, these quests, were meant to fill their pockets so they could hire their own mercenary gang to hunt that bastard down.

She played with the end of her bow, sticking it in the ground over and over as if to stick the conversation to the ground. “I still don’t see what the problem is. Dirk may be stupid, but he seems worth the investment.”

“But he’s changing the way you operate; it doesn’t seem like you care anymore!” Rune stammered.

“You’ve lost track of your vision! If we died today, because of your carelessness, our loved ones will never be avenged!” Chiggens retorted.

“You think I don’t know that!” Elowin snapped. “You think I don’t think about that every, cursed moment! I barely have enough time to breath without being reminded of what he’s done!!”  

Her icy glare dug daggers into her friends’ hearts, but they held their ground, giving her a stern glare back. And despite the fierceness of them, Elowin could see the concern reflected in them. Her eyes fell to the ground with a heavy sigh.

“Alright look, maybe you’re right, maybe I have been a little…distracted…but it’s all just been so…draining these last few years. Our task just feels so…heavy all the time now. Sometimes, I just don’t want to think…and I just want to feel…something again. But you’re right, I’m sorry. I have been careless.”

Her two comrades shared guilty expressions towards each other. Slowly, their crossed arms came down together.

“Maybe we’ve been a little too hard,” Rune stated.

“Perhaps…just a bit too much,” Chiggens agreed.

The three stood in silence for a while longer, just as Dirk came trudging up between them all. Wielding only one axe and hoisting a giant branch on his shoulders.

“So, I couldn’t find my other axe, but I did find this cool stick? Think I’ll use it instead,” His dumb toothy grin faded a bit as he read their faces. “What’s with all the glum looks?”

“Nothing,” said Elowin quickly. “So, what was your final tally?”

Dirk grinned, “Well, despite losing out on the big one, I count eight heads total.”

Elowin smirked. “Well, well, looks like you’re buying the drinks tonight, orc boy.”

With that, Elowin trudged ahead with Dirk, with Rune and Chiggens following behind. She put the battlefield, as well as any stressful thoughts on the future on hold, and simply enjoyed the moment. 

July 19, 2024 07:57

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

0 comments

RBE | Illustrated Short Stories | 2024-06

Bring your short stories to life

Fuse character, story, and conflict with tools in Reedsy Studio. 100% free.