Possible trigger: sleezy behavior. A late-night summer storm brought more than much needed rain to the small country village of Broadstone. Just before dawn, while most of the villagers still slept, there was a loud boom that came from the town square. The townsfolk rushed out to see what had caused the noise and were shocked by what they saw. A stage had somehow been setup in the middle of the square. Red curtains with golden tassels draped across the stage. As a crowd formed around the mysterious structure, an equally mysterious bright circle of light appeared on the middle of the stage.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to play. The riddle game is on the way!” A smooth baritone voice almost sang from behind the curtain. A thick layer of fog accompanied the voice spreading out across the stage. Multicolored beams of light appearing seemingly out of nowhere began to wave back and forth through the fog and oddly upbeat music started to play also out of nowhere. The curtain rose and a shadowy figure danced into view through the clearing fog. All anyone could see was a black cloak covering the tall frame of someone they assumed was a man. The man spun around with a flourish as the music hit a high note revealing he had some sort of bizarre thick stick in his hand that had something fluffy on top. He was vaguely human, but taller than anyone had ever seen before. No one had ever seen a human with horns sticking out of their forehead or have red skin before. The sharp black fingernails didn’t help much either. He had slicked back hair that was shiny and almost greasy looking and a small chin goatee that came down to a fine point that appeared sharp enough to stab somebody with. To go with the fancy cloak, he wore clothes that the simple villagers had never seen before: pants with a fine crease in the middle, a buttoned up matching jacket over a very soft looking shirt, and some sort of colorful neck wrap tucked in to the shirt collar. Though it was not something anyone living in Broadstone would wear, the look really suited this strange creature.

There was an audible gasp when a podium popped up out of the center of the stage as well as two long tables on each side. The weird looking man began to speak to seemingly nobody and always spoke into his stick, “Welcome back to Brainmania, everybody’s favorite family puzzle solving game. As always, I’m your host, Mat D. Mon. I see we have some new faces here today. Let’s meet our contestants.”

Mat leapt from the stage into the crow, picked a man seemingly at random, shoved the stick in his face and asked, “You sir, tell the audience who you are and a little bit about yourself.”

“Uh…I…Um…My name is Owen...’ It appeared that the stick was somehow making his voice louder, ‘Uh…I’m a farmer. Um… I.”

“That’s enough of that.’ Mat cut the nervous man off. He leaned in close and whispered, ‘Don’t worry, we can clean that up in post. Go ahead and go up on stage.”

As Owen took his place behind one of the tables, Mat moved on to a man standing next a woman with his stick, “I see we have a lovely young couple in the crowd. Let’s hear from them.”

The man also hesitated before saying, “Well, I’m Adam. I’m also a farmer. And this is my wife, Gretta. We live here in Broad-”

“I don’t care. Get up on stage.” Mat cut Adam off and stepped in front of Gretta. 

As she started to go with her husband, Mat stopped her, “Wait, I’d like to take you to your spot myself, young lady.’ He took her by the hand and walked her to her place, holding her hand for a bit too long, ‘We don’t see very many specimens of your beauty in these parts. How did such splendor as yourself end up here with all…this?” When Mat indicated Owen and Adam, the sound of laughter, but somehow, not real laughter filled the air.

Gretta’s face flushed, she then giggled and said, “I don’t know. I was born here. Then I married Adam. We’ve been together for five years.” Once again, the there was a fakeness to the “aww” that was heard all around.

Another woman was sitting on a fencepost watching. Mat jumped down and offered her his hand as well. For a moment she appeared to try to coyly refuse it. There was the sound of a whip-crack and she fell forward into his arms as if she had been struck on the bottom by something lightning fast. Mat dipped her down and acted as if he was going to go in for a kiss but stopped at the last moment. He stood her up and said, “No time for fun and games ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got fun and games to play.’ The sound of fake laughter was heard again. He held the stick to her and said, ‘Tell me, my darling, what brings a woman as resplendent as you to play my little game?”

She seemed to be overcome with joy. She practically gushed when she said into the stick, “Well, Mat, my name is Mary. I’m a big fan of the show. I’m here with my sister Bella. If you want to know what I do, you’ll have to come back tonight…”

Mat took a step back then looked at Mary then raised his eyebrows. A sly smirk crossed his face as he said, “And I thought I was a sinner.’ Fake laughter rang out again. He glanced over at Bella, but instead of fawning over her as he did the other two ladies, he sneered, but otherwise chose to ignore her. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, let’s begin our game.”

Owen started to ask, “How do we pl-”

He was once again cut off by Mat, “Will the first two contestants please step up to the podium?” Seemingly without control, Adam and Gretta left their respective sides of the stage and met in the middle.

“Ah, a classic battle of the sexes. And a lover’s quarrel too. Doesn’t get much better than that does it, folks?”

A small paper card appeared in his hand and he cleared his throat before reading, “Our category is: I bet you didn’t know it. First one to buzz in gets the point. Three points wins and you can keep your village. Three wrong answers and you’re cast into a fiery pit of damnation for all eternity. Does everybody understand the rules? Yes? No? Don’t care.”

Owen tried to interject, “Now hold on a minute. Nobody here agreed to play your little game.”

Mat’s eyes turned coal black for a moment and his ever-present smile faded as he said, “Nay nay, good sir. You watched my intro. You spoke into the mic. Where I’m from, that is a legally binding contract. Now SIT.” Owen couldn’t control himself. He sat down on a chair that appeared suddenly.

With the return of his smile, Mat went on, “Now that the audience participation portion of our show has concluded, let us continue. Adam, Gretta, are you ready?’ When they both nodded enthusiastically, he went on, ‘Alright, hands on the buzzer. Question one. I bet you didn’t know it, but this can run yet has no legs?”

There was a few moment’s hesitation before Gretta pressed down on the button that had sprung up on top of the podium that Mat was calling a “buzzer”. It did, in fact, make a buzzing noise upon being pressed. “It appears as though the lovely Ms. Gretta thinks she knows the answer.” Said Mat though he spoke more to her chest than to her face.

Gretta blushed again at the complement before saying, “I believe the answer is: a snake.” From behind her, Mary clapped loudly and shouted how great of an answer it was.

Just above his head, a large red ‘X’ appeared. “I’m sorry, darling, but no, that is incorrect. The men have a chance to steal. Remember, two more wrong answers and…” Out of nowhere there was a chorus of voices that said, “That’s the pits.”

Adam thought for a moment, scratched his chin, then said, “I’m pretty sure you can run your mouth and it doesn’t have legs.”

Mat seemed surprisingly pleased with Adam’s answer. He said, “We’ll have to take that one to the judges. Judges?’ after a few moments of silence the large ‘X’ appeared above his head, ‘I’m sorry. That is one strike for the men. The answer is of course-”

“A river!” Bella shouted from the crowd waiting for the right moment to speak. A large green number “one” appeared above her head. Mat’s mouth dropped open in shock. He looked furious when he said, “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors. Everyone else STAY PUT!”

Owen was already sitting, but everybody else, even Bella joined him in a seated position when Mat disappeared in a puff of white smoke. A moment later, he reappeared with his smile returned. “Good news everybody!’ he shouted, ‘After speaking with my producers, we’ve determined the correct course of action following certain…unforeseen events. It appears that in my haste, I failed to recognize that the ugly one is the cute one’s sister and therefore eligible to play. That being so, we’ve decided that for round two everyone will be on the same team since the numbers will no longer be even.” The sound of clapping filled the air. “Hold your applause ladies and gentlemen. I must warn you this comes with a caveat. As the women got the first question wrong and the men failed to steal, this counts as two wrong answers for the entire new team. Meaning that one more incorrect and…” the voices returned, “That’s the pits.”

Everyone was free to stand up. They all stood behind one table and Mat took his place behind the podium. “We only need two more right to pass through, right?” Asked Owen. He felt like after Bella answered the question, he was starting to regain some of his wits.

Mat sighed, “I suppose that is technically true. We’ll see what happens if we get there.’ He looked down at the card in his hand again and read, “The category is: If you care to take a dare. Question one. I dare you to tell me what gets wetter the more it dries. You have thirty seconds.”

The group had a short discussion amongst themselves. It appeared as though all their wits were returning as they answered quickly and together, “A towel.”

A green “two” appeared above the group’s collective heads. Mat tossed the card he was holding in frustration. He disappeared in a puff of white smoke then reappeared seconds later looking very frazzled. “I apologize for that ladies and gentlemen. We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties. I was just informed that, in light of even MORE unforeseen events, we will be implementing a new feature to the show.” Fake sounding “Oohs and aahs” filled the air. “That is right. It is time for SUDDEN DEATH!”

Owen didn’t like the sound of that, but he knew the smarmy man would over explain in a moment. He didn’t have to wait long, “SUDDEN DEATH is one final question for all the marbles. Get it right and you can keep your town, PLUS you can have my microphone that can control the minds and actions of anybody that speaks into it. Get it wrong and it’s the fiery pit of doom yada, yada, yada you get it.”

Before anybody could answer, he pulls out a card and says, “The category is: I’m better than you. Question one. If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what is four and five? Thirty seconds.

After another brief huddle, Gretta proudly shouted out, “Four and five make nine!” A green three appeared above their heads and multicolored paper rained down from above.

Mat looked like he was about to cry when he dropped the microphone to the ground. He then stomped off backstage with his hands in his pockets and head slumped down. As soon as the winners were off the stage it was engulfed in a cloud of black smoke. As the smoke cleared, the stage was gone leaving only the microphone and a note reading, “You guys suck. XoXo Mat.”