We’ve Got 99 Problems, and Here’s Our Top 10

File Name: Transcription of FWU’s 2020 Graduation Ceremony Introduction and Commencement Speech

Transcribed June 5, 2020

[0:00]

College President:          

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, students and faculty alike. Tonight we gather in celebration, festivity, and merriment, to recognize and honor First World University’s graduating class of 2020!

Audience:                         [applause, whistles]

College President:           

These well deserving problems, 99 in total, have more than earned their right to walk across this stage tonight; many going above and beyond the university’s standards for excellence to prove their worth and, for some, taking a leap of faith to begin carving their ever so trivial places in the world.

To say the least, 2020 has not brought much in favor for the planet; in fact, 2020 has been considered downright crummy for many. But what may seem like a disaster to some, can be an opportunity for others. And, as president of FWU, I feel deep in my heart that we are becoming a leader in the first world field: developing curriculum that builds confidence, creating original spins on the issues of today, and priming our first world problems for success in an ever-changing world. Tonight, our commencement speaker will be focusing on the bravest, and most innovative spirits from this year’s class of graduates. He himself is a 2015 FWU alumni, graduating as valedictorian of his class as well as earning superlative recognition for “Most Likely to Cause a Heart Attack”. He currently works full time in the tech sector, and lives with his wife The-Poshmark-App-is-so-Non-Intuitive, and their two beautiful children, Where’s-my-Nintendo-Switch and I-Didn’t-Get-the-Smartphone-I-Wanted, let’s give it up for Why-is-My-Download-Speed-So-Slow!

Audience:                         [applause]

Speaker:                            

Thank you so much President Hindrance. It is a pleasure to be back here, in my old stomping ground, but now among such fresh and innovative minds.

As you all know, much of the world views our problems as mere inconveniences; simple botherations that hold little weight when paired with so-called third world plights. But we here – all families and friends of FWU – know the truth. We know that in our culture, our ability to cause suffering is great, and amongst the backdrop of this year’s tumultuous events, our capacity to do our job has burgeoned splendidly. With the help of 2020’s world-wide pandemic, our culture now inadvertently devours us in droves – subconsciously taking us in to their psyche where we blend seamlessly with their rationale, or more truthfully, their irrationality...

Audience:                         [chuckles]

Speaker:                           

...and become gamechangers in their perceptions, judgements, and decisions.

This is not a task to be taken lightly, and as you will soon see, our graduating soldiers of progress here more than understand the significance. As these brave warriors saw their senior year take an unprecedented turn with 2020’s pandemic-induced issues – or what some media outlets out there like to label, “real problems” – these students took hold of their own destinies, and with ingenious initiative steered their ships back on track towards every FWU students’ ultimate North – a disruption in comfort.

Now, as all of your class graduated with flying colors – congratulations again to all 99 of you – 10 graduates in particular stood out for their finesse, attentive application and ability to change with the times. I could go on and on about these First World trials and tribulations all day, but I know we do not have the luxury of much time together, so without further ado, let us begin our abridged, yet all-embracing review of our top ten graduates from the class of 2020.

Audience:                         [applause and cheer]

Speaker:                                          

Our first problem to showcase this evening, My-Mask-Doesn’t-Match-My-Outfit, has transcended her fellow colleague, My-Mask-Gives-Me-a-Rash, by shifting the discomfort to one of flair and flippancy. She has tapped brilliantly into the psyche’s social insecurities, where, as we all know, much of our power lies. Teaming well with My-Roots-are-Showing – also showcased shortly – My-Mask-Doesn’t-Match-My-Outfit not only receives credit for her clever ego-conscious-growing approach, but additional accolades for inherently increasing consumerism; “A girl can never have too many a mask!”, a catchphrase I’m sure will soon replace its outdated shoe counterpart, if it hasn’t already.

Audience:                         [chuckles and slight applause]

Speaker:                            

Our next problem chose to exploit his talents within Amazon Prime, the vast, fertile playground where our first world creativity knows no boundaries. We have had many a past superlative in this category, such as 2005’s financial plight, It’s-$79-for-a-Membership, or 2011’s frustrating yet understandable, The-Harry-Potter-Series-is-Not-Included-With-My-Prime-Membership. Now, we all assumed Authentic-Disney-Products-Are-Not-Available-Through-Amazon would hold her pole-position in this year’s top 10, but as the pandemic flipped cultural needs on their heads this year, Amazon-Delivery-Has-Been-Taking-3-Days-Instead-of-2, took the bull of this opportunity by the horns and relegated Authentic-Disney back to the average masses. Sorry there Authentic-Disney, glad you are still graduating, but Amazon-Delivery, we must give kudos to you, wise child, for both your bravery and epic scope.

Audience:                         [slight applause]

Speaker:                            

Now, quick answer FWHS community, in pep rally fashion please… if we were to [speaker uses cheer singing voice] “Hit ‘em where it hurts!” the most, what’s the number one cultural necessity we have ultimate capacity to disrupt?

Audience:                         FOOD!!!

Speaker:                            

That’s right, food. Food, glorious food, and all the emotions, rituals, social and communal aspects surrounding it are a prime breeding ground for our work to bountifully grow. Now, I-Now-Have-to-Stay-in-to-Eat, you’ll have to enlighten us at some point as to whether your choice to go for the food jugular was intentional or not, but aiming to create a first world food issue during the pandemic was quite brazen. We’re not starving, not even close to malnourished, and heck, we haven’t even lost access to Hello Fresh or Grub Cab. But in this great nation, being limited in eating options can turn any well-respected, middle-class citizen into a sulky, grumbly little sprog with a self-imposed case of clinical depression. A little intense for most, but again, I-Now-Have-to-Stay-In-to-Eat, we give you full acclaim here for ultimate shamelessness, and for boldly going where no one has yet to tread.  

Audience:                         [slight applause]

Speaker:                            

Our next two top ten graduates must be announced together, as their work goes hand in hand. The-Gym-is-Closed and So-is-the-Spa are like classics in our field of work; timeless in application as at any given moment either could occur. The luxury of either paying to go somewhere to exercise your body, or paying someone to take care of it for you, are blatant first world birth rights that have stood the test of time. But what’s unique here is your amped up angst-instilling abilities by sheer placement in first tier shutdowns. This is proof that the government feels these are only first world fancies, and yet, with you, gym and spa closings, you still have the power to instill such grief. Even when the powers that be try to belittle, you two throw your heads back and laugh while heading back to the grind, day after day. And for this we commend you, The-Gym-is-Closed and So-is-the-Spa, for your unwavering commitment to getting your jobs done.  

Audience Member:        

 We love you The-Gym-is-Closed!

Audience:     [laughs and applauds]

Speaker:                            

Haha yes don’t we all! [regaining composure]

We-Are-Running-Out-of-Toilet-Paper took a fun twist on perception this year, and wins accolades for it. How to create something from nothing was the real magic here, as well as the element of surprise; it was as if we were all blind to something you could clearly see. You switching your major so late in your senior year was something many considered crazy. But your bets paid off, and shifting focus from My-Pups-Pedicurist-was-Lousy to your mission now…. We-Are-Running-Out-of-TP, how did you know? How did you envision TP being an element of dilemma in a pandemic having nothing to do with gastrointestinal issues? Just brilliant I say, and I hope you keep your good gambling wits about you well into your professional future, as they seem to serve you well.    

Audience:                         [applause]

Speaker:                            

My-Roots-are-Showing, we alluded to you earlier my dear, but now it is your time in the spotlight. Unless, of course, you don’t want anyone to see your roots.

Audience:                         [chuckles and laughs]

Speaker:                            

Now, just like your un-matching mask soul sister there, you initially took the First World path well-traveled, choosing to follow the flow of self-conscious affliction as means for a dependable future. But it seems no amount of down-to-earth sensibility could tame your creative deviation. Roots often show, yes, but the solution is often immediate and this problem has, up until now, been ephemeral at best. But now, with shutdowns galore, roots cannot be tamed and have shifted from an acute to chronic issue in the most insidious way. Nowhere to run or hide, the only saving grace here is not being allowed to see anyone anyway, or of course by adding a hat to your ensemble. But who’s going to do that? Surely not you, bold and brass My-Roots-Are-Showing; No one’s going to put this baby in a bonnet.

Audience:                         [laughs and some applause]  

Speaker:                            

I-Had-to-Cancel-My-Party, you remind me of that great 60’s hit, “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To”, although in your case there’s no party, and everyone is still crying. Your gift here is your ridicule within the ridiculous; the reason for the celebration has not been cancelled, and never can be, however the ties to anticipation and traditional means of celebration is where your blow, well, blows for those involved. For example, and as you will all see in a moment, no one really has to cancel anything, as celebrations are not banned, but rather require reconfiguring to outside space. How you, I-Had-to-Cancel-My-Party, knew that you would still be an issue despite this reality impresses me – and obviously the deciders who selected you – to no avail. Maybe you were in cahoots with the next problem I am about to announce? Whatever the case may be, your credit here my dear, is for your insight and fervor-minded spirit. And for this, we congratulate you.

Audience:                        [slight applause]

Speaker:                           

 If-I-Want-to-Socialize-I-Have-to-be-Outside, your scope is what’s most impressive here. Lockdown of the indoors means everything must now take place in the outdoors, and with global warming causing all these extreme weather patterns, who wants to be outside nowadays? Not to mention the humidity and the cold and the heat and bugs; oh you smart fellow, you, playing on our obsession with climate and critter control definitely warranted you a secure spot here, amongst the top ten. Congratulations on your ability to see the big picture my friend. Keep this foresight up, and you will go far in life.

Audience:                         [applause]

Speaker:                            

And now everyone, the time has come to showcase FWU’s best of the best, our most distinguished and celebrated problem of 2020; please give it up for First World University’s 2020 Valedictorian, This-is-my-Life-Now!

Audience:                         [wild applause and standing ovation]

Speaker:                           

Alright everyone, let’s bring it down before we bring the house down!

Audience:                         [laughs and quiets down]

Speaker:                            

Before you come up for your speech, This-is-my-Life-Now, I would first like to share some personal words with the crowd about you and your work.

As the first world spins through the biggest catastrophe of our lifetime, you have taken your work and coat-tailed on the ultimate existential question of life, “what is the point?” The sorrows, trials, and tribulations of first world human life are all essentially matters of the mind, and the most wild thing of all is that even though many know this truth, few ever embrace it. Now, obviously I’m not wishing for human revelation here, as this happening would skyrocket our own unemployment figures!

Audience:                         [laughs]

Speaker:                            

But the epiphany I’m having here, with you, This-is-my-Life-Now, is how fragile our existence really is. Just as this pandemic turned our lives upside down in what felt like a flash, the same swift change could happen if something as simple as gratefulness flooded the collective consciousness. This-is-my-Life-Now, you took a real gamble supposing this would not happen, and by golly your supposing was right. Fragile as it all may be, you stand as a champion today for knowing people would continue to choose the suffering that comes with want over the ease that comes from acceptance; in essence, you bet on psychological history repeating itself. We thrive when people fail to see that the life they have is actually, quite beautiful. And in this sense, here is where your beauty comes in, This-is-my-Life-Now; no matter what blessings life gives us in the form of lessons, an unprecedented shift in lifestyle makes many blind to the gift of life itself. You knew this, and took full opportunity to act wisely. And because of your actions, you deserve the highest accolade First World University has to offer. So, come on up here, Mr. Valedictorian, before the world sees through your façade and starts loving life!

Audience:                         [applause and standing ovation]

[14:02]