And The Award Goes To…

“Welcome to the 100th Academy Awards!”

Oh Jesus, what the fuck are these crappy seats? Keep smiling girl, don’t let them see your fury. You’ll be outta here in two hours tops. Although it was four hours last year but I was just a scummy plus one then so could get fuckin’ wasted. 

Great! There’s a camera guy right in front of me meaning I have to be on my super best behaviour, I should practice my rictus grin before they cut to me in the live show. 

Oh God, here comes the host, I threw water over him last time I was on his talk show. Such a creepy guy, no one talks about his jail time for that thing with the hooker and the crowbar anymore. Oh shit he’s looking at me!!

“Wall to wall icons in this room ladies and gentlemen… and Erika Bremen is also here folks. Star and best actress nominee for the incredible “Betty Taylor Needs Help”. Well she’ll need more than that to win tonight.”

Little prick, such a cheap shot. My Mom’s watching this fucko, guess he wants payback. Only nominee in my category ripped a new one like that. Could I sue for that comment? Keep smiling girl. I mean I could but it would be kind of embarrassing to waste time and money for such a shitty joke. Maybe I could dig out all the other sleaze on him and make it a full on sideshow? Hehehe Great! Now it looks like I’m laughing at his jokes. My cheeks are numb with this smile anyway, I need to relax into something less manic… there that’ll do. Says “I’m happy to be here” rather than “I’m here to murder every last one of you two-faced fucks!”

“To kick off the meat of the show with Best Supporting Actress is celebrated vegans and stars of the upcoming “Terry Finds His Fruit” Jeff Baxter and Wendy Turffett.”

Are you kidding me? Jeff is about as vegan as a Big Mac. His career must be on the skids and has hooked onto the latest craze. Last year he came out as Trans only to be outed by the the community as a liar. They showed him alright. I’m shocked he’s not been fully cancelled yet. I’ve heard about that movie though. Variety called it “the movie that confirms that being a vegan and a prick are no longer mutually exclusive”. Quite wordy and clever for them. 

I should probably pay more attention to the show but I’m too busy enjoying my drinks and making sure the camera guy doesn’t catch me yawning or picking my thong out of my ass. Where are we now?

“On to my favourite award of the night, animated feature. Animated features are something many people in this room no longer have the luxury of possessing anymore after fully immersing themselves in the world of Botox. Hey Erika!”

Right, that does it! I’m going to go nuclear if he turns me into an “Oprah, Uma!” running gag. Keep smiling! It was only that one time and yes it got infected. But I got it outta there quickly and gone 100% natural… mostly… maybe 70/30 ever since. Fuckin’ TMZ! I swear they live in the garbage like Oscar the Grouch taking the lousiest video and photos. Everywhere I turn! 

Why’s the floor manager on the stage? Ohhh, ad break. Everyone looks so glamorous and sooo bored. Fucking freezing in here, my nipples could open beer bottles. Here we go again…

“Welcome back folks, boy it’s already dragging but here’s two people who know all about that. Presenting the award for Best Supporting Actor, stars of “Ru Paul’s Drag Net” Fish Tailz and Holyweird.”

Yeah! Love these two. Great show, like CSI meets Mrs Doubtfire. Not the best acting but wigs and fake eyelashes falling off in a warehouse shootout is never not funny. My agent has tried to get me on that show for years and Ru keeps saying no. It was one crazy comment in a hack interview five years back and he took it to heart. Maybe I should apologise? But he does look like the pantomime dames my Dad took me to see when I was a kid in London, England. I said Ru would make a great ugly sister and here we are. Touchy touchy Mama Ru.

“The next category puts to shame all those people who feel movies are shameless remakes and sequels and there are no new ideas. To present the award for Original Screenplay please welcome stars of “Star Wars – The Next Hope” Marcus Hamill and Harry Ford.”

Nepo babies alert! Lock the doors we got them officer! I saw the trailer for that the other day. Luke’s severed hand rebuilds itself out of sand to make the next generation of Jedi. I give up. It’s a galaxy so maybe there are more families to give a shit about than just the Skywalkers! Let them go and move on! I think Lucas’s daughter is directing it, my new hope is she’s not inherited his hopeless directing skills. 

I should stay quiet more often. I’m enjoying being lost in my thoughts. I’ve pissed off the other people in my group at previous ceremonies anyway. I’m lucky they even came, I’m guessing it’s purely to see me lose.

“Home straight everyone, this is where it hots up! Our next two hosts are the perfect choice to present the Best Director award with the truth and honour they put into all of their projects. Stars of upcoming Netflix cooking show “Crowning Achievement” Former members of the Royal Family, Haz and Meg!”

Haha! The spares are here! What a lousy whinge fest those two are. Excuse me why I list over a 120 million reasons why you don’t really have it that tough in life. I listened to his whole book, on 1.2 times as saved me three hours, and it was one of the funniest and deluded tales I’ve ever heard. And now after all that woe they’ve allegedly been through, I’m meant to believe either of them are good enough to have a cooking show? He fucks horsey women behind a pub and sits on his porch getting high. That means they’ll be showing us how to roll a joint and make cheese toasties every single week. Boy they look so unhappy. I thought my smile looked fake. Need to brush up on those old acting muscles Meggy baby.

“And the winner of Best Actor is… Dax Boiler for “When Have You Been?”

Wow! Not expecting that. After all the drama last year with his pee pee problem on stage. I was convinced he was over, but it shows if you get the best agents and lawyers, magic can happen. Not the nice kind of magic. Pitch black, witches around a cauldron, sacrificing goats and monkeys, speaking in tongues kind of magic. 

Some strange winners tonight… oh shit here we go. Why did I even come here? If it was going to happen I’d have won at the hundred other ceremonies leading up to this. Three Razzies this week though including “Worst wig” and “Best accent”. Thanks guys! Deep breath. Keep smiling…

“And the nominees are… Jess Lotion for “Crime Scene”

Four hours long. You shouldn’t need to have a piss break during a movie but that one was rough. And nothing happens! Cop turns up to a crime scene and then wanders around, takes a few phone calls, never finds out who killed the woman and then credits. Pointless. But did look great and the cinematography award earlier was well deserved.

“Tabetha Billingsley for “Obama””

Like a three hour SNL sketch but funnier. I bet Barrack and Michelle grumpily put that movie on their “Best of the year” list. I’m still figuring out how they escaped all that backlash around darkening Tabetha’s skin with CGI. I’ve spoken to her about that a few times, she’s stayed quiet because it’s her debut movie. She’ll have the power and platform to speak her truth eventually. Still think it’s a disgrace but y’know, well done girl. 

“Sally Hilliard for “Wake Up Your Wrigglers””

The Streep slot. Meryl’s retirement freed up an extra space for the other mature quirky actresses to squeeze in. A woman who talks to worms though. I kind of enjoyed it, mainly because it’s only 85 minutes long. When her favourite worm Winston dies at the end it made me tear up when he got squished. She’s kissing his mashed up remains before walking away… beautiful!

“Juju for “Chronictronic: the Movie””

Watched it twice, still no idea what it was, is or anything. I hear it’s based on some social media craze around robotic dance moves or something. She - or they or it or whatever -  has won a few awards already so somebody’s enjoying it. I thought it was a load of robot horse shit. Thankfully no one has asked me to share my thoughts on it… yet.

“And Erika Bremen for “Betty Taylor Needs Help.”

Yay me! Thanks a lot guys. Not even my own fuckin’ group cheering. Guess we all know where this is going. At least I can sneak out soon and drop this pathetic act once and for…

“And the Oscar goes to…. Erika Bremen for “Betty Taylor Needs Help.”

… all you losers can kiss my ass! Really?! Oh you’ll all clap me now even the low-life podgy host. Watch his belly roll as he lifts his big old arms to clap me. Best actress! YESSSS! Need to get past everyone without stepping on… oops! Sorry Goldie! This’ll teach ‘em for putting me so far back. They’ll play me off before I reach the stage at this rate. Nearly there… one two three. Keep smiling..

“Thank you James. Loved you in “Wet Bandits 2. Oh boy! You rascals, I seriously have not prepped anything as I thought Juju had this in the bag. I’d like to thank my agent Alice for sticking with me after all the fun of the last few years. My amazing cast and director who let me play and got the best out of me. And finally to our illustrious host for being as lousy as we all expected. Come here! You like belittling women don’t you? Well I’m here to show you exactly what we think of you.”

Don’t do it Erika you’ll… shit!

“AND DON’T GET UP! 

Forget the wrap up music I’m going…”

Jesus what have I done?? How do I get outta here. Is he dead? Who cares! Piece of shit deserved it. On live TV though. Here comes Alice.

“Errr Erika we’ve got to get you outta here. That was not the best idea you’ve ever had. Look at your award! I’ll call the limo…”

My award? Oh fuck, that’s a lot of blood! Is he dead? I hear a lot of panic on stage. I better listen to Alice and split. God there’s a long hallway to the exit. I can’t run in these heels. My feet are numb. Take ‘em off. Better, I can run now. Daylight! Limo’s here… YES! Free at last… but for how long? Alice is texting at hyperspeed. This limo is running every red light.

“So looks like he’s gonna be okay but he’s been taken to hospital as a precaution. Will Smith is hosting the rest of the show. We’re not out of this by a long fuckin’ way. What were you thinking!?”

What every woman who had come into contact with that loathsome rat for decades has thought privately. I just acted on it in front of billions of viewers. Poor choice but I’ve made worse and no doubt will in the future.

Look at this award. Best Actress. Best. Me! I’m living the dream. Problem is Hollywood’s dream is mostly one nightmare after another. This award will polish up nicely and no one can take that away from me. Shit! Will Smith is currently hosting the show! Nothing sticks forever in Tinseltown. Alice is expecting a response, looking at me like a stern fucking headmistress. Let me tell her the truth about what a lousy agent she’s been through the years and how she should leave me the fuck alone!

“Alice I really don’t know what came over me! Help me please!”

Coward.