The Soldier Queen

“Absolutely not! You are not going to war, Ari! I forbid it!” Queen Isodora protested, folding her arms in front of her chest.

           “So, you’re just going to discount my years and years of combat training?” I countered, leaning nonchalantly against her desk. “I’ve fought in countless wars before becoming a pillow princess. How is this one any different?”

           A crease formed between her brows as she tried to reason with me. “You- You’re not a soldier anymore, Arielle. Now, you’re the property of the Crown. We have so much more to lose. If you die, you’ll become a martyr. This country will launch hundreds of wars in your name, and even more lives will be lost. Don’t you get it?”

           I sighed in exasperation. If I hadn’t fallen in love with Isodora and ascended the thrown aside her, I would still be on the front lines. I’d grown tired of sitting behind these palace walls and barking orders at the battalion commanders. This was my chance to actually contribute to the war effort. This was my chance to prove to her, prove to all of my fellow royals, that I was more than just a pretty face. “This isn’t fair!” I slammed my hand down on Isodora’s desk. “You send the princes to battle without batting an eye. Admit it: I’m ten times the soldier they’ll ever be. What good is it to have me playing strategy with the generals while our men are out there getting shot down?”

           Isodora’s composure broke. She strode around her desk to face me. As she approached, I noticed tears welling in her eyes. “There are plenty of things you can do to help the war effort right here, from home. You will not be going. That is an order!” She glanced towards her shoes, softening her authoritative tone. “You’re not just some princess, Arielle. You’re Queen now. You’re my closest companion, my ally, my confidante.” She reached out and took both my hands in her own, locking eyes with me once more. “Forget the crown. Forget the people. Forget the policies. As your second-in-command, I’m begging you not to go. As your…wife, I love you, and I care about you. So, please, make the right choice.”

           The ghost of a smile broke my composure. This was the first time she’d used the word since our wedding to refer to herself. She thought it sounded much too haughty and formal. I cocked my head to the side, my anger stifled by the realization that she was making this decision out of love. “Is, you know I need this. Please. By taking on the crown, I didn’t know I’d be giving up such a large part of myself. I feel so lost without it. Being a soldier…it’s all I’ve ever known….”

           She closed her eyes, shaking her head. In the silence that followed, I watched a tear trail down her cheek. Her features hardened as she spoke her next words. “Well, then, if you go… don’t bother coming back,” she sneered, pulling her hands away form my own and turning on her heel. I reached out to stop her, but she was already starting towards the door.

           I stood where she left me, frozen in shock. “Isodora,” I breathed, “wait.”

           I was met with the cold, hard click of the door behind her.

           I folded in on myself, slouching my shoulders and clutching my arms to my chest. “…Goodbye,” I whispered – even though I knew she couldn’t hear me.

***

I hadn’t slept a wink last night. I’d spent every minute hoping and praying that Isodora would change her mind, but that didn’t seem likely. She had made it very clear that our relationship ended the second I donned my uniform. I loved her so deeply, but I needed to feel like myself again, if only for a moment. Why couldn’t she accept that – accept me?

Right now, none of that mattered.

Ironically, I felt at ease among the ranks of soldiers gathered in the palace foyer; I should have been scared to run headfirst into battle. I hadn’t felt this free since I’d entered this place. I’d spent so long studying and practicing and rehearsing to become Queen, but yet the monarchy was still very much a foreign language to me. Standing here, in my uniform, I was finally among familiar surroundings. The weight of the crown, and all its responsibilities, momentarily lifted.

           “Your Majesty,” an aide bowed to me, snapping me from my trance, “Her Majesty has asked me to gift you this.” My heart swelled with hope as he handed me a tiny box.

           “Thank you.” I accepted it gratefully, a smile forming on my lips.

           Once he departed, I searched the contents for any sign of forgiveness. Inside, I found her engagement ring and a note.

           To protect you as you forge your own path to greatness.

           With love,

Isodora

Did she really think I was so shallow? Did she think I was doing this to gain power? Our people already respected me. I owed it to them to sacrifice my life for theirs. Why didn’t she understand that? I wanted to scream: See, this is who I am! That girl in the portrait on the wall, the one who sits so delicately in a thrown with a crown on her head, isn’t me – she’s a mere caricature. She’s the character I portray to lead the country, to make them trust me.

 Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a figure standing on the upper balcony. The second I locked eyes with Isodora, she turned and strode away.

I longed to chase after her, but her message was clear: this was a parting gift.

I felt heavy. Was I making the right choice?

As I left with the rest of the soldiers, riding my anticipatory adrenaline high, I still couldn’t shake the feeling of doubt. I dug the ring out of my pocket and began twirling the thing between my fingers. The truck lurched as it drove over a bump, and I brushed shoulders with the man beside me. “Sorry,” I muttered out of habit. I hated that I hadn’t left behind the overly polite mannerisms of the palace. Afterall, it was inevitable to touch one another with forty-some men being crammed in the truck bed.

“No worries.” He smiled down at me. Thankfully, I must have been nearly unrecognizable without makeup and my hair pinned up. The last thing I wanted was special treatment. “Nervous?” He inquired, noting my fidgeting.

I gave a sideways smile, not bothering to look at him. “Yeah,” I said somewhat sheepishly. It was easier than admitting my feelings to a complete stranger.

“First time?” I could hear the smug smirk in his tone.

I flitted my eyes over to him then back down. “No.” I paused, trying to think of an explanation. To kill some time, I shoved the ring back into my pocket. “I’ve been…out of active duty for a few years.”

“Ah, I see…. What did you do to warrant that?” He pressed.

I hoped he wouldn’t ask. “Well, it’s a long story, but my father died, and uh…” I came to the palace to train as a royal guard, and then I kind of fell in love with a princess…. Four years later we got married, and I became Queen of Selenia. “I needed to take care of some family stuff.”

“Geeze, I’m sorry…. I just- I thought you’d done something stupid- uh… I didn’t mean to-” He stammered, pitying me like just another helpless orphan. Ugh.

“It’s okay. You didn’t know…. But, yeah, I’m pretty boring.” I laughed. If he only knew.

“Well, we’ve got that much in common. I’m Erin by the way.” He extended a hand to me.

I took it. “I’m…Alex.”

He nodded, and then his eyes glimmered. I feared that he recognized me. But he’d just noticed the ring on my finger. “…You married, Alex?”

I hadn’t taken it off. My chest tightened with grief. “Uh…yeah.” For now.

He chortled. “I’m sorry. It’s just- You said it so…hesitantly.”

I glanced towards my hands, nervously twirling the wedding band around my ring finger. “We didn’t exactly leave on the best of terms….”

“Oh?” He questioned, prompting me to give him more details.

I figured it was harmless, as long as I didn’t give him too much information. “She didn’t want me to go back into combat. She wanted me to keep the office job, sending everyone off to war, but it just feels so wrong. I feel like a coward sitting behind a desk without actually facing the enemy. She doesn’t understand…. I know she’s scared for me – I’m scared too. But I just need something to go back to normal again, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it. A while after my brother died, I wanted to move forward too. Sometimes it just hurts you more to keep mourning along with everyone else. That- That’s why I joined the Army: to have something else to focus on.”

I felt awful deceiving him, but he had a point. I couldn’t keep mourning the old life that I’d lost. I had to enjoy the new life I’d gained.

As we continued our trek towards the base, we were met by an ambush. A trail of landmines overturned the truck, and a group of rebels were nearby waiting to attack.

Once I’d gained my bearings, wrapping my hands around the gun at my side and hoisting it into position, I felt a sick kind of exhilaration. I’d never felt as powerful as I did in that moment. The bodyguard Isodora had sent to protect me kept ushering me towards the back of the throng, but, in the chaos, I managed to evade him. As I stood in the epicentre of the attack, completely unguarded, my palms became slick with sweat. My fight or flight instinct kicked in. Although my aim was a little rocky, I managed to sink a round of bullets into a hoard of enemy soldiers.

However, I celebrated too quickly. Still riding the high of my assault, I completely missed the second grouping waiting just out of my line of vision. Suddenly, time slowed, and I was alone in the world. I froze, listening to the increasingly rapid thudding of my heart. The bullet they had fired was aimed directly at my chest. Surely, it would be a fatal blow. Yet, I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I squeezed my eyes shut, preparing for the worst, and-

I heard the sound of a bullet piercing flesh, yet I felt no pain. I felt a blow to the chest, an impact, but nothing more. I wondered, as I fell to the ground, how this could be. Gathering enough strength to assess the damage, I opened my eyes to find Erin draped over me, bleeding out.

“No!” I breathed. “No, no, no….” I felt the warmth of his blood seeping through my uniform as I tried desperately to stop the bleeding. My eyes swam with tears. I could just barely make out my scarlet stained hands from the rest of the scene. I ripped the arm off my jacket in attempt to patch the hole in his chest to no avail. It was saturated in seconds.

“Go home to her,” he gasped, his chest flailing, desperate for air. “Show her how brave you are….”

I could just barely make out his face through the tears staining my cheeks. “I…I will,” I promised.

Isodora was right! I was the very person that my soldiers devoted their lives to. Their blood was on my hands, whether I fought with them or not. How had I been so stupid? I had gotten so caught up in the death tolls. I thought that I could fix it in some way, save my people form the frontlines, but I was just one person. One person whose death could launch thousands and thousands of wars.

Erin was just the beginning, but he wasn’t the end. More people would die because of me, because of the war, but there wasn’t a single thing I could do. War was simply the price that we paid for freedom.

Freedom, I laughed to myself. What an ugly word.

I thought that being on the frontlines would give me more influence over the situation, but it didn’t. It merely gave me the illusion of control. How could I have been so wrong? I already had what I needed to win this war, and it was back at the palace…with Isodora.

After what seemed like hours, other soldiers arrived to help me cart Erin’s now lifeless body towards our makeshift hospital. A couple of the nurses in our battalion took over, and I turned my back on him. I couldn’t stand to watch what would happen next.

He’s one of the lucky ones, I mused. He’ll be packaged up and sent back home to his family.

My head throbbed. My body ached all over. My eyes felt like sandpaper. I nearly collapsed under the weight of the adrenaline hangover. Once the General declared that the rebel forces had retreated, my knees buckled, and I took a seat. Everyone else celebrated, completely numb to the wreckage around them. I longed to be like them – as I once was, but I wasn’t that person anymore. I hadn’t grown weak as I’d once thought. I’d simply become re-sensitized to the brutal realities of war.

As I curled my knees to my chest, allowing my head to slump forward, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I barely had enough strength to look back at them.

I opened my eyes lazily to find Isodora crouched down beside me. I blinked. I thought that I must be dreaming, or hallucinating, but-

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay,” she crooned, practically tackling me as she took me into her arms. She spoke her next words so quickly I could hardly make out what she was saying. “We heard what happened and came as quickly as we could… We flew in a helicopter to take everyone home.”

It took me a moment to digest what she was saying. My mind was elsewhere. “…Why are you here?”

 “Because,” she began, toying with the strand of hair dangling in front of my face, “I owe you an apology. I’m sorry, I should have listened to you. You were right. You’re quite a capable fighter, Arielle, dare I say the best of all the guards. I was wrong to discount your ability. I…I was just afraid of losing you…because you- you’re the only family I have left.” Her eyes began to well with tears.

I cupped her face in my hands. She didn’t flinch away even though they were still covered in Erin’s blood. It was then, as I gazed into her stormy, blue eyes, that I realized she was right: the two of us were all the other had left in life. “No, you were right. I was incredibly stupid, and reckless, and stubborn. I just wanted to prove myself – play the hero for once. I wanted to prove that I’m more than just the glitz and the glitter of my crown. But I see now that the only one who doubted that was myself. I thought that I was losing part of who I am, but, truthfully, I’m simply becoming the person I was meant to be. My passion for the army led me to the palace, but my love for you and my country convinced me to stay. Everything is just as it’s meant to be…. My place in this war is the General’s Council, doing everything I can to protect the country as a whole. I couldn’t save Erin, but I can save so many more people.” I glanced back towards the battlefield choking back tears. “His death can’t have been for nothing. I won’t allow it.”

Isodora smiled meekly at me through the tears streaming down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me into her embrace. “Let’s go home and win this war – together this time.”