How (not) to commit a murder

Now, I know what you’re thinking, 

“How to commit a murder? Why would I ever want to do that?”, To that I say this: I don’t know. People have different reasons for doing similar things that can seem crazy to others, and this is no exception. I won’t sit here trying to justify the act. I can’t. Neither can you. Despite any rationale you can think up, no explanation will ever be satisfactory to the point that you don’t see yourself as a monster for considering doing it.

The road that lies before you is nothing more than a dirt path, covered with green-brown shrubbery and neglected by most. No streetlights or maps are available to aid you. I, holding a torch and showing you the way, will be the only semblance of a guide. I can’t do everything, though. You’ll have to take matters into your own hands in the form of a fleshed out plan, I only serve to warn you of what may cause your downfall. Once you’re certain you would like to accept my help and embark, know that its a long, winding road, and the way back is impossible.

With that out of the way, let's get into the first not. The first not is do not get attached. Most homicides involve two people who know each other. It's likely your target is someone close to you. Maybe a family member, former friend, or coworker, your exact relationship doesn’t matter, however it could complicate things. If you still have any remaining seeds of sympathy for the person, uproot them before they blossom into another obstacle blocking your path. You want to follow through, and your emotions can prevent that. Before you know it, you’ll be standing, weapon in hand over someone you’re not ready to take out of this world. Seconds come and go, not staying any longer than due. As each fades, it leaves you no closer to finishing your mission.

By now your eyes have adjusted to the low light level, allowing a clear view of her face. It looks the same as you remember. Her flowing hair streams from her head, covering her pillow with coffee colored tendrils. The sparse light did little to conceal the numerous freckles that dotted her face, breaking up the monotony of her fair skin with beautiful spots. Her dazzling seafoam green eyes hide behind their lids as her chest lifts and sinks with each breath.

This is a classic scenario. It could happen to anyone, and when it does, you should be prepared. Our second not is do not get discouraged. By this time, you’ve likely finished (or nearly finished) your planning, so it's time to act. The road is unforgiving of mistakes, and the overgrowth has engulfed the path behind you. 

Any soft spot you have for this person should be eliminated. That can be a hard thing to do, but I can help. This person has been a constant factor making your life worse for some time now and you have the opportunity to end it, so why wouldn’t you? Think of what drove you to considering this. Maybe you work for the insufferable prick every day for the same miniscule wage, despite your pleas for an increase. Maybe they stalk you, day and night, disallowing any bit of relaxtion. Maybe they simply have different political views than you. I wouldn’t necessarily say that last one is something worthy of a murder, but, hey, you do you.

Although those aren’t bad reasons, maybe yours is something that makes the others pale in comparison. Maybe one day you decided to take them to the local fair. As the sun rests halfway below the horizon, dimming the world and providing the sky with an orange glow, you take the opportunity to ride the ferris wheel. You hold their hand to brace them while they step onto the cart and slip the attendant a handwritten note with a twenty attached. The wheel slowly lifts you to the top, revealing more of the beautiful landscape that surrounds you. Next to the fair sits an endless green prairie abundant with plant and unseen animal life.

You get on one knee and fumble around in your pocket for a small case containing your offer to her. “You’re my one and only,” you say, but her reply tells you that you’re just the opposite. Her sudden confession of another party, nameless and detested to you, has flipped your world upside-down. You sit there with no inkling of what to do with yourself. As you peer down at the world beneath you, your stomach begins to turn. The dizzying height mesmerizes you as you stand up and lean over the thin bars of the ride. You consider jumping, but before you do, you look once more at the prairie. 

You think of all the animals hiding under the brush. Each of them living in solitude, paving their own path through the mess, unaware and yet unafraid of what may lie beyond the next corner they turn. 

“I’m sorry,” she says, but you don’t respond. As you return to your seat, depriving her of any closure in the form of so much as a glance in her direction, you feel a new sense of purpose.

This leads me to our most important (and neglected) not. Do not get caught. This may be the most important not. Not getting caught is key to getting away with it, but it's easier said than done. 

There’s lots of cliches that may work well, but you’ll have to judge which method will be optimal for you to evade capture. Lakes, acid as well as homemade graves work well as ways to dispose of the evidence, but going out in public with them can be risky. Once you’ve ditched the body, you may also want to flee the country. You’ll want to get out without utilizing any airports if you choose to do this, as leaving a paper trail can lure the authorities right to your new home. After leaving the country, if everything is done correctly, you can start over there. You could have a new life, free from the hardships your old one had. It sounds like a perfect ending, but it’s not the most likely one. It's not impossible that someone else could find out what you did. It's not impossible that it could happen immediately after you did it. As you stand over their bloody remains, the door creaks open behind you. You turn to see a man drop his keys on the ground as his eyes widen in horror. Your mind races to find a way to prevent the word from getting out, but the only words that manage to escape your lips are “Can you keep a secret?”