Drama


Twenty-seven.


It was hard for her to believe.


To Bella, it seemed like it might turn out to be just another autumn evening a lot like the rest before it, yet not. She only knew at that moment she couldn't bear any more boredom.


The slender brunette wore a red, strapless dress, a modern ‘Jennifer Aniston’ haircut, and an enigmatic expression.


If I'm gonna go out, it will be in style,

she thought to herself.


So, sticking her foot off the edge of the flat roof, she tested the air...but just as quickly pulled her lifeline back in.


The next time the bottom of her black stiletto pushed out, it went a little further over the ledge than she'd planned, as if it had a mind of its own. Her heart, as if on cue, began to gallop.


The idea of instant death thrummed like a soothing binaural beat in her head, but her pulse, by then, was pounding in her ears, sounding a little like the snare drum Billy Bassett had played for the high school band a decade earlier.


Taking risks had always made her feel more alive when her emotions were dull. During those moments, she could breathe in life and death, and more importantly, the in-between, but this time, her collapsing foothold on life became too terrifying. She teetered, pulling back just in time. Instead of the expected rush, there was dizziness, nausea, and panic.


So, it occurred to Bella then that she maybe she wasn’t out on the roof to end it, but to feel something…


Imagining how she must look out on the roof's edge in a red dress and high heels sent a fit of laughter to her thin, red lips, which she’d just painted only an hour before.


But when the laughter faded, her thoughts shifted...


Maybe a little vodka and juice could give her a little more nerve? But courage for which one? Death, Life, or that strange "in-between" she now felt in her soul?


She thought on how she used to have a life. One that was worth something. She used to be busy, even popular in high school.

Now, she just had an office on the third floor and an empty apartment. So much had changed since she graduated.


She’d considered a fancier roof for this overly dramatic event, but her dullness had caused her to end up there instead.


Perched high above everything and with such a nice view in front of her, she could now clearly see it,


The place where it all went wrong.


It was not even that far at all, just a few blocks away...where Brian had proposed to her on the day of their graduation. He’d bought her a ring and presented it to her on bended knee on the football field after the commencement, the same field where he used to play each time they had a home game.


She hadn’t married him though.


She'd wanted her freedom.


Now, there were times she regretted it.


All she had now was herself and her cat.

Two divorces and a place to work.


Their daughter would be 9 now.


Bella went back to breathing the memories in and out. Keeping them at arms length for the moment, afterward deciding to go home so she could drink the remaining ones down like watered-down whiskey.


Fifteen minutes later she was slipping the key into the door to her apartment, finally home at last, realizing she must have been crazy to even think of doing such a thing. To forget her foolishness, she poured herself a large glass of Chardonnay.


Of all people, she should always know life was precious.


But thinking of precious, fragile life made her wonder


Just what name had the agency given their baby girl all those years ago?


What would she look like now?


She knew she would have been a terrible mother, anyway, just like her mom was.


She reminded herself for the hundredth time it had all been for the best.


Yes, it was futile to even ask questions about the child she would never know.


On her dresser, the invitation still sat...

She picked it up and read it aloud,

Mocking its formality.


“Bella Franklin, you are cordially invited” it said.

“Cordova High School Reunion, September 17th, 2020.’

“Be There or Be Square.”

Couldn’t they think of something more trendy?


Tonight, she sure wasn’t up for any small talk, bullshit, or competition.

And what if people started asking her questions she really didn't want to answer?


Just then, the phone rang.


It was “the” Taylor Flynn, class president.


Sweet, perky voice, the proverbial sugar, spice, and everything nice.


“Are you coming to the reunion tonight? You have to!! You and Brian will the main attraction, Miss Prom Queen 2010 .”


“Nah, I think I’m feeling a little off tonight.”


“Girl, you just gotta come! All the gang will be there. Good times!”


Hanging up the phone, Bella couldn't decide.

Should she go to the reunion or just go to bed?


But then she thought,


“What’s a few hours gonna hurt? I’m already dressed.”


She walked in the door to the high school gymnasium where everyone was exchanging pleasantries and recreating memories of old times. A cozy atmosphere seemed to pull her around from person to person.


Belle was the delicious tray of hors d'oeuvres that everyone wanted to taste. Basking in her former prom queen glory, she became the person she was before everything had gone horribly wrong.


Old memories came flooding back, mostly good ones and even a few of the naughty. Like the time she and Ron Pickett had went under the bleachers to make out and it went a little too far, and the time she cut Mr. Gardner's class to spend the day with Brian doing something else besides learning.


“It’s your birthday today, isn’t it, Bella?” her high school bestie, Ashley Green, interrupted her thoughts, speaking in her perpetual cheerleader voice. “Girl, we’re having cake and ice cream in the back in honor of your 27th, and we all chipped in for a pretty nice gift.”


Bella’s cheeks turned light pink, then she smiled meekly,


 ‘Oh, Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.” Secretly, though, she was delighted.


Later, standing with her friends on the sideline, Bella hadn’t planned to dance until Brian, in a surprisingly shy way, asked, 


“May I have this dance?”


Though the same age as her, time hadn’t been so kind to him. He walked with a bit of a limp from an old football injury, but it didn’t make him any less handsome. 


Across the room, she noted a couple of her old girlfriends had gained several pounds and some of the guys had lost some their previous hunkiness. Time is cruel, Bella thought to herself. It could only get worse from there once everyone passed their prime.


As for Bella, she’d always thought she'd rather die young than lose her wits or her looks. She realized that was another part of what put her out on the ledge. Knowing that each day would rob her of her beauty, steal away her previous opportunities, bring her a step closer to the end.


It hit her suddenly that she'd rather step into life, death, and the in-between with full force, enjoying both the "now" and the "not yet" to the fullest than to be dragged away kicking and screaming on her final day.


It was on the dance floor she released those thoughts,

And began to feel again.

Her thoughts were not racing anymore.

She was beautiful and alive, connected to everything.


At the end of her drive home, she stepped out on the slightly wet sidewalk...

The drizzling rain kissing a sweet pattern onto her skin.

She stood there a few moments, letting it wash over her.

And thinking how this birthday could have been an ending but instead became a new beginning.


She now felt clean. Full of new hope.


Praying silently that she could feel like this forever,

Bella knew the tide would eventually roll back in and carry her with it.


For better or worse..


But for now, she was 27,

And fully at peace.







Posted Sep 27, 2020
Share:

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

33 likes 37 comments

Vajeda Kardar
11:15 Oct 07, 2020

Beautiful narration cynthia. I wonder how many times did I read these lines....
"It hit her suddenly that she'd rather step into life, death, and the in-between with full force, enjoying both the "now" and the "not yet" to the fullest than to be dragged away kicking and screaming on her final day."
You have narrated a complex futuristic and complimenting situation in a single line.
Wow!!!
Keep going dear.
Plz take time to read my story too...

Reply

17:40 Oct 07, 2020

Thank you, Vajeda!! 🌹
I'm glad you enjoyed my story. Those words stood out in my mind, too, as I was writing the story. It kind of highlights the whole experience the protagonist was having at the time, that feeling of not wanting her destiny to be out of her hands, but to embrace it and have more control over it.

I will be glad to read your story as well and comment!! Thank you again so much for everything you said here. 🙂

Reply

Lina Oz
01:51 Oct 02, 2020

This is an intriguing piece. I like the mix of prose and poetry you achieved here; I haven't seen that unusual structure before on this site. Your voice really exudes descriptive imagery, too. Some of my favorite lines:

"Belle was the delicious tray of hors d'oeuvres that everyone wanted to taste." (Although, I believe her name is Bella, so just a slight mistake there.)
"The drizzling rain kissing a sweet pattern onto her skin."
"She was beautiful and alive, connected to everything."

There are few grammatical/punctuation errors here, but another comment highlights those errors well, so I think it would be beneficial to reread your work and adjust as needed.

I think I would have loved a longer ending. While I appreciate that she was at peace, I'm a little confused as to how she got there; I think the story ended quite abruptly and there was potential to elongate the ending. She seems to house perhaps bitter feelings towards her past friends, describing the pounds gained and the "hunkiness" lost. Then, suddenly, she moves to the dance floor and "her thoughts were not racing anymore." Why? Was she dancing with someone? Was she dancing alone? Why was it this specific instance that helped her achieve peace after everything that happened in her life? The ending feels a tad rushed.

Overall, I enjoyed this piece and I look forward to reading more of your work!

Reply

02:48 Oct 02, 2020

Thanks for the compliments and critique of this piece. I'm glad you appreciated the mixture of poetry and prose as well as the imagery within it.

The answers to your questions can be found in two sections from the story which I have quoted below:

"Later, standing with her friends on the sidelines, Bella hadn't planned to dance until Brian, in a surprisingly shy way, asked,

"May I have this dance?"

And then later another passage that says...

"It was on the dance floor she released those thoughts,
And began to feel alive again.
Her thoughts were not racing anymore.
She was beautiful and alive , connected to everything."

So, yes, Bella danced with her old boyfriend, Brian. Some of Bella's positive feelings gradually developed through the accumulation of appreciation from old friends as she interacted with them, during the birthday cake in honor of her 27th birthday, and her recognition as the 2010 prom queen, which were simply mentioned but not described in detail. Since this was a mixture of poetry and prose, I wanted there to be some reading between the lines and more immersion for the reader in the RESULT rather than how the character got there. It was a slice-of-life story, which means that it wasn't meant to describe everything, but instead, focus in on the essential thoughts, feelings, and experiences of the character in proportion to how the character was experiencing them at that time. The dance was actually more important to her than the recognition for prom queen or anything else. It made her feel alive and free. (Keep in mind that depressed people often do not dance or do much physical activity to bring endorphins into their system to improve their mood.) I hope this explains things so that you can better understand it. I can understand how you would get confused if you didn't connect those two passages. The passage in the middle mentions her thoughts but is not so long as to distract the reader significantly, since it is only a few lines. Readers are supposed to realize that she said yes, and danced with Brian. If not, the passage would have said Bella declined him.

Also, Belle can be used as a different form of Bella. I used them in the story somewhat interchangeably, although I understand how it could be seen as a an error. And as for the stories I write here, I tend not to focus as much on perfect punctuation because it's just practice for me. I do correct punctuation on pieces that really require it. I have a master's degree in professional writing, so I do understand the rules when it comes to that. I think all of us have times we relax concerning our punctuation, such as in texts, for example, but thanks for the advice. I do think the end felt rushed, as you mentioned, but that was because I wanted the piece to do just that, come to an abrupt resolution. I was also going for 1000 words and no more. I wanted this piece to be really brief flash fiction, and I wanted it to have a punch at the end that the reader would remember.

Again, I appreciate your comments and suggestions. It is always good to share thoughts with other writers like you!! Thank you for taking the time to offer such great feedback. :-)

Reply

Lina Oz
03:12 Oct 02, 2020

Thanks for the explanation. I have a little bit of a different interpretation of your writing as I read it, and I don't know if the meanings you intended came across as well as they could have (but I can certainly see where you're going with your comment). As a fellow grad student, I can see where you're coming from, but frequent punctuation/mechanical errors read differently than minor errors; they come across more like mistakes than intentional writing.

I'm not sure if I agree with your comment that "depressed people often do not dance or do much physical activity to bring endorphins into their system to improve their mood." As someone who is diagnosed with situational depression, I would offer that those who are depressed sometimes don't appear depressed; they do things with others and get involved and do activities to mask pain and isolation. Those who are depressed are often those that seem the least likely to be depressed. Of course, I recognize that I'm just one voice among many who unfortunately suffer from depression, and I know there is a large range of how people handle depression, but it's just something to think about.

I am not trying to attack your writing or anything of the sort; I'm just offering constructive criticism and feedback that I think would help you improve. It seems that you might have taken offense to my advice, so I apologize if my original comment came across in a way that warranted defensiveness and explanation.

Reply

03:31 Oct 02, 2020

Thanks for explaining your intent. I appreciate that. My reply really was not defensive in nature. I was addressing your previous comments and also explaining that at least for me, this is just short story writing practice, not a reflection of what I would put forth in traditionally published work. I have seen a LOT of other work on this site from other writers that had many punctuation and grammar errors, but I never comment on those aspects, (though for a few years I worked as a university writing tutor, and could make a lot of comments regarding those things if i chose to do so).

Here on this platform, I believe most of us are just practicing story development, seeking some encouragement, etc. People here share their work for various reasons, but I doubt most people here are looking for that depth of feedback, especially a mention of the grammar and mechanics, (though this is a writing contest). My rule of thumb about offering that type of assessment is I only offer that type of detail if someone has specifically asked me for it.

I think the kind of feedback most people are actually looking for on this platform are probably comments on whether the reader enjoyed the story, comments on the story's content, style, description, dialogue, structure, and so forth. Questions are also welcome, I'm sure. I don't mind clarifying my own work, and that's what I was doing in the previous message.

As far as grammar and mechanics goes, anyone can use Grammarly for lower order concerns like punctuation and grammar if they need that type of feedback. As writing tutors, we were trained to focus on higher-order concerns in student writing, so that's where my position on this comes from.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Have a great night 🙂🌹

Reply

00:28 Sep 30, 2020

This story was so amazing! It reminded me of a movie I watched once. I don't know the name though. Anyway, I loved your descriptions! The part that said she was a tray of hors d'oeuvres and everyone wanted a taste, had me dying! That was the best way to use personification! Keep up the awesome writing!

Reply

01:29 Sep 30, 2020

I'm so glad you enjoyed my story. Thanks so much for the compliments and encouragement!! 🙂🌹 There are quite a few movies with jumpers in them, i think, though I don't t think any one before involved the character attending a high school reunion. At least not any I've seen. If you remember the title of the one u watched, please let me know. I'd like to check it out.

When I was developing the concept for the story, I just had this really clear image in my mind of a character in the red dress and stilletos and kinda went from there imagining her thoughts, feelings, and actions on the roof. Then i could imagine her in her apartment, etc.

I am learning to use metaphors more to show instead of tell in my writing. It's really helping. When i thought of her being passed around like a plate of hor doerves it felt perfect for what i was trying to express. Sometimes i get a flash of insight like that, once i really get into the character's head. Do you know what I mean?

Reply

03:23 Sep 30, 2020

Yes!! I know exactly what you mean! If I remember the name of the movie I will let you know. But I don't know if I'd recommend it because it was kinda depressing. The main character was an author that got divorced and moved back to her old town. Then she got to see everyone she went to school with. It was similar to a reunion, but not quite.

Reply

Corey Melin
04:10 Oct 07, 2020

Enjoyed the read. Going through tough times to realize it’s not all bad. We just need to seek it out before we drown ourselves into oblivion. Well written so it flowed like a lazy river

Reply

17:35 Oct 07, 2020

Thank you so much, Corey!! 🙂 I'm so glad you enjoyed my story. I was hoping it would have that affect on readers. 🌹

Reply

Mustang Patty
20:46 Oct 03, 2020

Hi, Cynthia,

Great use of tension to build the suspense in the story. One could feel the MC's heart beating in her throat.

Your prose flows well, and there weren't any nits to detract the reader from the story.

KEEP WRITING great stuff!

~MP~
Would you mind reading a few of my stories? I would appreciate your feedback.

Reply

21:07 Oct 04, 2020

Hi Mustang!!
Nice to meet you on Reedsy. 🙂 Yes, I'd be happy to read some of your work here as soon as I can and comment on it. Btw, Mustang has a nice ring to it. It will look great on your book covers as you write novels and publish them.

Thank you for the compliments on my story. I'm really glad you enjoyed it!!! 🎉🎉

Reply

Mustang Patty
23:28 Oct 04, 2020

Hi,
Yes!! Mustang does look awesome on my book covers.

Nice to meet you!

Reply

Lani Lane
18:31 Oct 01, 2020

Hi Cynthia! Finally made it over to your story! :) Great work here--I liked the emotion in the beginning, and found it quite emotional that she was thinking about jumping.

A couple quick/easy fixes:

1. To Bella, it seemed like just another autumn evening a lot like the rest, yet not.
I think this sentence would hit a lot harder without the "yet not." Let the reader come to that conclusion on their own.

2. a ‘Jennifer Aniston’ haircut -- so Jennifer Aniston has had a lotttt of haircuts, but I feel like the one you're going for (since it's the one that's most recognizable) is her from Friends, and that's actually called "the Rachel."

3. If I'm gonna go out, she thought to herself, It will be in style.
Since this is a continuing thought, "It" should be lowercase.

4. Sticking her foot off the edge of the flat roof, She tested the air...then pulled her lifeline back in.
Lowercase "she" after the comma there.

5. But now her pulse was pounding in her ears
Avoid passive voice. Use active voice instead:
But now her pulse pounded in her ears

6. Death, Life, or the in-between she now felt in her soul?
Not sure if "Life" should be lowercase there. Should perhaps stay uppercase if you're trying to personify it/make it more important by making it a proper noun.

7. The section that starts with: She’d considered a fancier roof for this overly dramatic event.
This turns into poetic stanzas, and it's a bit distracting. The story goes back in forth between prose and poetry starting here. Because of this switch, I'm not entirely sure if it's purposeful or accidental. Perhaps consider adding scene breaks every time you switch to clear this up, or consistently use prose.

8. Their daughter would be 9 now.
Spell out nine and any other numbers less than 10. Some style guides say 10 should be spelled out as well.

9. “Are you coming to the reunion tonight? You have to!!"
I'd just use one exclamation point here.

10. "You and Brian will the main attraction, Miss Prom Queen 2010 .”
Should say "You and Brian will be," and there's an extra space after 2010.

11. ‘Oh, Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.” Secretly, though, she was delighted.
Needs a quotation mark at the beginning there, not an apostrophe.

A longer thought:
"Belle was the delicious tray of hors d'oeuvres that everyone wanted to taste. Basking in her former prom queen glory, she became the person she was before everything had gone horribly wrong."

Should be Bella and not Belle. :)

More importantly, perhaps consider what this story would look like if Bella wasn't brought back to her prom queen glory, and if she was instead just another face in the crowd. I'd say this would be a much more realistic and emotional angle that doesn't perpetuate the romanticization of high school--because prom queens don't stay prom queens forever. The inclusion of Bella noticing her friends had gained weight while she didn't also turned Bella from a relatable character to an unlikable one. I thought that made her seem quite shallow, when her experiences over the years (divorce, for example) should have humbled her. Just my personal opinions! Something to think about. :)

Looking forward to reading more of your submissions! Hope my comment is somewhat helpful, but feel free to take my suggestions with a grain of salt. :) And let me know if I'm misreading/misunderstanding anything, which I can do a lot!

Keep up the great work!

Reply

20:36 Oct 01, 2020

Hi Leilani, :-)

Thank you for the extensive feedback you have given here. I appreciate you for taking the time to offer so many suggestions. I didn't mean for you to feel like you had to do a line-by-line review. I'm sure that took considerable time. I just wanted an overall impression. Nonetheless, these comments you made had me look deeper into the story, going beyond the surface, the way one would about literary fiction, perhaps.

I think it will help if I explain to you that a lot of these things you suggested I already considered doing (or not doing) during the course of writing the story, but chose to do them in these ways for various reasons. Some of the choices related to the type of message I was trying to convey with this story, as well as the complex theme I was dealing with, which was a character's experience of bipolar and borderline personality disorder, and how certain events change the individual's feelings about him or herself.

The key takeaway from my story should be that these types of individuals do not have a stable sense of identity (or feelings about how they fit into the world). This can lead to the individual feeling great about himself/herself part of the time, while other times feeling like a "nobody" who has no worth. For this reason, their experiences can play a huge role in their identity and even cause dramatic changes in how a person perceives himself/herself.

This was just a slice-of-life story to show how even people who are popular can have mental illness and may be suffering silently, and once they hit middle age, they could be without much of the support they received when they were younger. In Belle's case, she questioned her life choices because of how poorly she felt about herself and because of her fragmented identity.

By the way, I have a few friends who are bipolar and two who have BPD and they have shared their struggles with me. That is what inspired this story. So, again, what I was trying to relate to the reader is that sometimes those who are contemplating suicide are experiencing a "moment of crisis" and all they need at that moment is to feel like they are not hopeless and that they have worth in the world.

The story was not meant to imitate real life or to begin with a likeable character then put them through more and more obstacles to overcome them like many stories do. It was just a small slice from the life of this middle-age female character with BPD who used to be a popular girl in high school, but got pregnant at a young age, then chose not to marry the father, gave the baby away, then after two divorces lost touch with her past life and had no husband or children to show for it, then after 10 years go by, almost doesn't go to a high school reunion, but then says what the hell I'll go, and it ends up being a good decision because after the evening with her friends she feels significant again. It ends with her realization that, because of her BPD, she will never be "normal." That is why the story states near the end that "Bella knew the tide would eventually roll back in and carry her with it." This was a metaphorical way of putting this, which some readers may or may not pick up on, but hopefully most will.

The reason a lot of this was written in a mixed poem-prose style was because deeper emotions tend to lend themselves to poetry better than literal narration. I'm not sure if there is a rule that you can't mix the two in one story, but I honestly doubt that, because I have seen a lot of stories here that actually seemed more like poems than narrative prose.

If I had written story in first person, readers could even ask this question, " Are Bella's impressions of how she was treated during the reunion actually correct? She may feel like she was passed around like a tray of hor 'doerves, but the truth could be that just three or four people spoke to her at the party, and they all had cake for her birthday, and this excited her so much she felt like the belle of the ball. In her broken state, it may have lifted her so much that she felt as if she were the life of the party. But the reason I chose third person was because I wanted to maintain this certainty for the reader that this is what happened, and also to paint a 360-degree picture of what was happening on the roof. Of course, this has nothing to do with any of your comments. It's just something your comments happen to make me think about since I read them.

I don't agree that Belle's popular at the high school reunion would make her unlikeable to readers, as the proof of whether that would actually be true or not is in real life.... most people actually flock around popular individuals in the real world. But the bigger reason I believe it would not make her less likeable to the readers is because the story indirectly calls for readers to CELEBRATE Bella's uplifting experience. Up to the time of the reunion, readers have seen her private pain and now want something good to happen to her since she is so depressed. (Also, I do feel safe in assuming that the character must be relatable based on the other comments on the story I received). Going through more feelings of insignificance after already feeling suicidal at the beginning could have actually depressed the readers or bogged them down, and I think by the time of the reunion they probably welcomed the character getting some relief from her low emotions.

Lastly, the reason I chose to end the story with Bella attaining her former prom queen glory was because Bella needed to realize she has the same magnetism she always did and has not "lost" it, something which a person in her situation who is bipolar (and possibly even has borderline personality disorder), would likely struggle with. Even some average middle-aged people also struggle with the idea that they have lost their worth in life once they lose their looks, wits, or popularity, but imagine a person with BPD, and how he/she would likely find it difficult to function in social settings, being already on the depressed end of their emotional spectrum. So, for the reasons above, I felt it was better for her to go to the reunion and be like the life of the party, and to return to her former glory days, then return home feeling uplifted. But that's just how I wanted the story to be. Everybody has their own opinion and you might write the story differently if you had written it, but I'm happy with how it turned out, I think.

Again, i appreciate your suggestions and it really has been marvelous to get other opinions on the story and to talk about these choices and the theme, etc. I can tell you really know a lot about the craft of story writing, and thank you again for your suggestions, because I am sure they will come in handy as I am writing future stories!! :-)

Reply

Lani Lane
21:01 Oct 01, 2020

Got it!! Thanks for explaining that, Cynthia!! I love going line-by-line, so no worries there, I do that with most of the stories I read on here. :) But yes, definitely feel free to ignore my suggestions!! I like to provide more than a "good job" and nothing else, so I usually try to leave random thoughts and ideas and easy-to-fix grammar mistakes. :) Don't feel like you have to apply them at all!

Looking forward to reading more of your work!

Reply

22:05 Oct 01, 2020

That's understandable that you like to go line by line. I had a good master's program professor who had the same style of being directive with her feedback. You probably would do well as a teacher or writing instructor, i imagine. 🙂 Incidentally, I just finished a Masters in Professional Writing, and that professor was very helpful in offering feedback on my thesis. I am glad to finally have it published and the degree completed. I'm just waiting for the diploma to arrive in the mail. It could be up to 2 more weeks, and that's after paying 100 dollars for the application and diploma. 😂

Reply

Lani Lane
22:35 Oct 01, 2020

Congrats on your masters, that’s awesome!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉 I think I’ll definitely learn a lot from you!!

Reply

22:39 Oct 01, 2020

Thank You!! I'm sure the learning will be mutual. 🙂 I'm grateful for the opportunity to know you. 🌹

Reply

22:08 Oct 01, 2020

Oh and i forgot to mention that i also truly look forward to reading more of your work!!! 🎉🎉

Reply

Lani Lane
22:44 Oct 01, 2020

Thank you so much!!! :D Can't wait for the new prompts tomorrow!

Reply

23:51 Oct 01, 2020

Yw. Me too!! 👍🙂

Reply

Lani Lane
21:21 Oct 01, 2020

Also, apologies if it seemed like I was looking too deep into your story--As a writer, I could totally see where you were going, but as a reader I just had some questions. :) But like I said, thanks for explaining!

Reply

21:59 Oct 01, 2020

It's ok. I just figured maybe when I asked for feedback it seemed like I wanted something lengthy. The fact that we were both considering some similar aspects of the story at some point shows that we are both learning how to think like a reader as well as a writer.

Reply

Lani Lane
22:37 Oct 01, 2020

Very true!!

Reply

Vivek Sehgal
11:27 Oct 01, 2020

soothing story and very concise tooo which complements its simplicity, beautifully described :-)

Reply

14:48 Oct 01, 2020

I'm really thrilled that you enjoyed it. It seemed to come easier than some pieces I've written, such as "Man Down, " which included more twists and turns, plus was much longer.

Reply

Vivek Sehgal
15:09 Oct 01, 2020

I would love to😀😀

Reply

15:21 Sep 30, 2020

This captures a glimpse of time in someone's life very well. I like the line "The drizzling rain kissing a sweet pattern onto her skin." That's some smooth detail.

The studying I'm doing is focusing on taking out past tense in a present tense story. Getting rid of 'has' and 'was' and so on. It is unavoidable in some cases but as described to me, it jolts the reader from the present to the past then back to the present, as they continue to read. Eliminating these in my stories has become a dedicated practice. I want the story to be smooth reading all the way through.

Your story put me in the story through my imagination. I felt like I was over the shoulder of the main character. This is great writing. I prefer to be immersed in the stories I read.

Well done!

Robert

Reply

19:40 Sep 30, 2020

Hi Robert. 🙂 I really appreciate your positive feedback!! I had a lot of fun writing this piece even though it included some sad emotional affect for the character at first.

The rule of thumb which I've read is that it's more appropriate to use "had" if you are writing about a flashback. And if you are using a flashback you need :"had" before the first two verbs then you can leave it out from then on through the rest of the same flashback. In this story, i think there were some places in the first part where flashbacks were indeed going on for the character, such as her past boyfriend, unwed pregnancy, and so forth.

Lately, I'm working on eliminating unnecessary words, especially adverbs. Those can become pretty pesky lol 😀

Anyway, the gist of what i meant to get across here is that when an author is talking about certain past experiences, particularly in flashback, the reader may need a clear distinction when it comes to time. I actually hate using the word "had" lol I agree it sounds heavy and almost unnecessary at times.

Again, I thank you so much for your feedback and positive words. It is great to talk to a fellow writer like you and to share insights! 🎉🎉

Reply

20:03 Sep 30, 2020

Anytime, let me know when you post another story.

Robert

Reply

Simon Walter
15:15 Sep 30, 2020

I loved this story! Very descriptive :)
Can't wait to read more

Reply

00:58 Oct 01, 2020

Thank you so much, Simon 🙂. I look forward to reading more of your work also. Hope you're having a great evening!! 🎉🎉

Reply

Keerththan 😀
16:18 Oct 15, 2020

I love your story. I really like short sentence writing and I enjoyed your story. The story was fast paced but the ending was quite rushed. Otherwise, your story was awesome. Keep writing.

Would you mind reading my new story
"The royal fork?" Thanks.

Reply

16:41 Oct 15, 2020

I'm glad you enjoyed my story. A few other people said the same thing, but I used a quick conclusion intentionally for a specific purpose, which was to get across how the moments of dancing took away the MP's woes for the moment and eased her depression, though it didn't solve the problem forever. It was simply a slice-of-life story and some people who read it didn't realize that aspect of it, i suppose. It wasn't meant to have a complete resolution because depression doesn't just go away forever in patients who experience suicidal ideation. Hope that makes the ending somewhat clearer.

Thanks for checking out my story. I'll be happy to read yours. 🙂

Reply

Keerththan 😀
16:46 Oct 15, 2020

Yeah, that makes the ending somewhat clearer. Thanks for explaining.

Welcome! Thanks!

Reply