GAMES THE GODS PLAY

**Warning: silly religious humor, irreverent, but turns out well**

* * *

Satan sat back in his chair surveying his chips. “What are we playing for this round?”

“Benjamin Jones is thinking about asking Katherine Pembrook to marry him. If I win, he goes forward with the proposal and they live happily ever after.  White-picket fence, two kids, dog, the works.”

“And if I win, it’ll rain on their wedding day and they’ll be divorced in under a year. Trailer Park, triplets, iguana.”

“Done.”

It was God’s turn as dealer. In order to keep the game “fair,” there was an agreed upon referee assigned to each Lord. The appointed "second" would act as an impartial participant, and it was their task to shuffle the cards, handle the chips and tally the scores. 

God’s second was George Bailey, whose reputation for goodness and fair dealing was unsurpassed.  Satan chose an old acquaintance, Dorian Gray, as his second. Gray could be fairly self-absorbed but guaranteed to add a touch of drama to the proceedings, along with being easy on the eyes. Mr. Bailey, for his part, had a practical approach and calming demeanor in the event the games got adversarial. 

George Bailey shuffled the deck.

“All right now, gentlemen, the name of the game is five card stud. Ante up.”

The cards dealt, the bets made, the play was over in an instant. Determining which hand would control the fate of mortals would be an impossibly time-consuming process were not all parties equipped with supernatural dexterity.

“Divorced with triplets it is!”

“You gloat, Dark Lord, but you forget, these are merely tests. For all you and I know, B. Jones and K. Pembrook could do quite well, even with your influence hovering overhead. Results remain to be seen.”

“Are we ready for the next hand, My Lords?” Mr. Bailey inquired respectfully.

“You’re up, Lucifer.”

“Next is Penny Lancaster, a rebellious teen. I say she runs away to the nearest city, becomes homeless and is traded to a foreign businessman by an unscrupulous bartender who befriends her. There’s a lesson.”

“Well, if I win, she misses the bus she’d planned to take to the city, decides to stay with a friend for a couple days, comes to learn her friend’s parents are worse than her own and returns home.”

“Done.”

* * *

“Harry, I’m talking to you. Where’d you go, man?”

“I think I’m in love.”

“What? Who . . . oh.”

“See that blonde at the bar? I have to meet her. Do you know her?”

“No, but I’ve seen her here before, always with a couple friends, never comes in with a guy. She's been known to leave with more than one.”

“I think I know a way to turn that all to my advantage.”

“Good luck.”

“No, I mean you go talk to one of her friends, get the lay of the land.”

“Oh, nice, Harry. That’s a delicate way of putting it.”

“Oh, never mind. I’ll do it myself. I’m a big boy.”

“Yeah, you’re a big boy. I’d say pay your tab before you go but I have a feeling you’ll be back.”

“I wouldn’t count on it. Hope you brought a credit card.”

“See you soon, big boy.”

“Don’t wait up, mother.”

* * * 

God stared straight ahead, his cards untouched.

“Something’s wrong.”

Satan was studying his cards.

“What?”

God looked uneasy.

“We have a problem.”

Satan laid down his cards.

“What?”

“We have a couple of rogues.”

“What? You don’t mean . . .”

“I do. Total free will. Out of our reach. Genuine. I’m serious.”

“Well, that’s your territory, Lord. I tend to gather new recruits irregardless.  Oh, do lighten up, Gray! You know I only say ‘irregardless’ to test your reaction. See him bristle?  So, anyway, how many rogues are we looking at?”

“Wait. Let me concentrate.”

* * *

Harry slowly made his way through the dark tavern and headed toward a group of four young women laughing and drinking lemon drop martinis. Three were gathered around one woman who was seated, a blonde beauty in a tight red dress.

Before he could make it all the way to the blonde, one of the women quickly turned around and she and Harry ran smack into each other. The martini landed squarely on Harry’s shirtfront.

They backed off each other. Harry, looking down in disgust, lifted the wet, sticky material away from his chest.

“Oh! I’m so sorry! Here . . .”

Harry looked up to see his assailant rush to the bar and grab a stack of paper napkins. When she turned around to bring them to Harry, he gasped.

“I know you.”

“Yeah, I’m just a klutz, I know it. Let me get some club soda for that.”

“Wait, what’s your name?”

The woman stopped and really looked at Harry. She broke into a wide grin.

“Grace.”

“No, you’re not!”

“No, you’re right, I’m not. But that is my name.”

Grace handed half the stack of napkins to Harry. He began dabbing at his shirt.

“I’m Harry.”

“No, you’re not.”

Harry appeared startled, then relaxed. He ran a hand through his only slightly receding hairline and close-cropped cut.

“You’re right, I’m not. But that is my name.”

As the two laughed together, a visibly miffed blonde teetered over and touched Grace’s arm.

“We’re leaving. You coming?”

Grace glanced at Harry.

“Am I leaving?”

“I wouldn’t suggest it.”

“Fine! Come on, ladies.”

Harry watched them go. Grace watched Harry.

“Something I said?” Harry mumbled.

Grace walked to the bar and took the blonde’s seat.

“Yes. Only problem was you said it to me and not Marilyn. Yup, that’s really her name and, believe me, she’s not.”

“This is kind of crazy, isn’t it? I feel like we’ve met.”

“Not in this lifetime. I’m sure I’d remember.”

* * *

God closed his eyes.

“Now I remember. They have met before. In all the lives those two have lived, they’ve met and it’s always the same. I have no say in anything they do. They don’t learn anything new, they don’t do anything different. The only trouble is they manage to do it on their own, without any input from me!”

Satan frowned.

“Well, wait a minute. Why am I just hearing about this? Who are these mortals and what are you really saying?”

“Nothing new, Darkness. I never like to admit defeat, especially with what I consider a work-in-progress. You and I sharing the workload of determining the mortal arena’s fate is one thing. There’s an ebb and flow to it, not all my way and not all yours. It’s up to the mortals what they gain, learn or experience through our little orchestrations, but those two have never budged and I can’t seem to make them do anything.”

“First things first. Who are they?”

“Look closer, Dark Lord, I know it’s been a while.”

“It would be a lot quicker if you just told me and quit playing around.”

“Lords,” Dorian interrupted, “if I may?”

The two Lords turned to the strikingly handsome young man with their full attention.

“Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the caveman had known how to laugh, History would have been different.” 

The Dark Lord narrowed his eyes.

“Translation?”

“Some things are more precious because they don’t last long.”

The Lord God rubbed his chin.

“English, Dorian. Give it to us in English.”

George Bailey smiled.

“Let me try. Put simply, Lords, those two lovebirds can’t help themselves. So long as they live in the same time and space, they will find each other. And with no obstacles to overcome or detours to take, they always will. That’s what true love is. Am I close, Dorian?”

“Close enough.”

“So, there you have it, My Lords.”

Satan’s serpentine eyes grew large.

“I think I know who they must be! You did say ‘original sin.’ Are you saying that’s. . .”

God leaned back and sighed.

“That’s right, my very first generation.”

“Eve and Adam!” Satan cackled a laugh that shouldn’t have sounded so blood-curdling, but it did. “Those crazy kids! They’re as reckless as ever!” 

* * *

Grace and Harry walked together in the moonlight, talking softly.

Harry took Grace’s hand.

“Is that all right?”

“If you hadn’t, I would have.”

“Would you like to walk through the park?”

“I’d love to.”

* * *

Satan thought quietly for a moment.

“I want to try something. Let’s play another hand and, if I win, a snake will come out from behind a tree while they’re walking and strike Grace, killing her. Harry is so distraught he jumps off a bridge.”

God countered, “I suppose it’s worth a try. If I win, Harry is bitten by the snake but only loses a leg, and Grace bumps her head and gets amnesia. They part.”

George Bailey shuffled the cards.

“Ante up, gentlemen.”

* * * 

“It’s so beautiful tonight, Harry. Look, the moon is almost full.”

“You know, your face glows beautifully in moonlight.”

With that, Harry leaned in slightly, touching his nose to Grace’s. Their lips parted and began to toy with each other. 

As the two continued exploring their mutual attraction, a night snake slithered out from behind a tree, making its way towards the two.

Harry caught the movement out of the corner of his eye.

“Look out! Snake!”

They both turned, horrified.

“Oh, I hate snakes!” Grace shuddered.  

Before they could move another muscle or say another word, a Great Horned Owl flew out from the same tree, screeching, and landed on the snake. The huge bird tore at the snake’s head, decapitating it with a single twist of its razor-sharp beak.

It then grasped the still writhing body of the snake in its talons and flew off into the night. The hopeless head stayed behind, soundly defeated.

Grace turned to Harry.

“Did you just see that?”

“I think so. You?”

“I’ve had enough walking for one night.”

“I’d have to agree. My place or yours?”

“Both, Romeo. But I’ll give you my number as a consolation.”

“I’ll take it.”

* * * 

God shook his head.

“So now you see?”

“I’m stunned. That was such a beautiful specimen of serpentine splendor. Utter tragedy.”

“Well, it’s getting late and we have a few million more fates to get through. We can address this again later. For now, let’s control what we can, shall we?”

“Agreed. But I’m not quite done with those two.”

“Just take it from me, it is exasperating. If you have any thoughts on the matter, I’d like to hear them.”

“Let’s see what I can come up with.”

* * *

“You know where I think we should get married, Harry?”

“Name it.”

“Picture this. Surrounded by nature.”

“You want to get married at the zoo?”

“Only if I can trade you in for one of the monkeys.”

“Sorry to interrupt.”

“If we’re looking at Spring, I was thinking the Botanical . . .”

“Gardens! That’s perfect.”

“It is, isn’t it?”

* * *

“I’ve been thinking about our problem couple.”

“I don’t know, Lucifer, I’ve been thinking about them, too. Maybe we should just leave them be.”

“That doesn’t sound like you.”

“What harm could it cause really? They do seem happy on their own.”

“Need I remind you how this free will thing came into being? You’d never given it a thought until those two went against your rules.”

“Not without some outside persuasion.”

“Friendly persuasion. It was only a test.”

“It was a trick.”

“It was a long time ago, Lord. Let it go.”

“I will, for now. So, you were thinking, you said?”

“I know it’s radical and a little dangerous, but it might be time to reopen the Arcade.”

“I haven’t thought of the Arcade for ages.  There’s a reason I closed it, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah, but that was a different place and time altogether. You wanted something high-powered and unexpected so you could really drive home your point.”

“Perhaps a bit too much.”

“Oh, I think it turned out well.”

“Coming from you, Lucifer, somehow I’m not convinced.”

“Why don’t we just take a look and then decide?”

“Is this your idea of friendly persuasion?”

“I wouldn’t dream of attempting to persuade or dissuade you, Lord God, of anything. Winning a bet is one thing . . .”

“Scruples, eh? Will miracles never cease. Well, I don’t suppose it could hurt.”

* * *

“Are we really going the old-fashioned route and not see each other before the ceremony?”

“Why not, Harry? We’ll have the rest of our lives together. What’s one night?”

“I’d rather not be away from you a moment more than I have to.”

“You’re sweet, and I feel the same way, but I don’t want to tempt fate. We should play this one by the rules.”

“You mean for a change?”

“Just for tonight.”

* * *

God and Satan stood side by side outside a relatively simple structure, stark white, with an iron gate surrounding it. The door had no handle or doorknob. There were no windows.

God spoke first.

“It looks untouched.”

“If I might, Lord God, if you haven’t been here, certainly no one else would have the nerve.”

“You just want to see it, don’t you?”

Satan demurred. “Please. I am not in the market for any sort of doomsday pinball wizardry to perform my tasks for me. You know I’m more of a hands-on sort of demon.”

“Excuse me? Was this your idea or not?”

“All right. Maybe I wouldn’t mind having a look.”

God smirked and waved a hand. A pathway opened between where the two were standing and the wide-open doorway of the building.

God gestured. “After you.”

Upon entry, the space inside lit up. A single sparkling beam of light landed upon a machine made up of black with gold fixtures. Satan’s eyes glowed bright yellow as he took in the minute details of this supreme artifact of otherworldly lore.

“So, this is it,” Satan breathed.

“It is,” the Lord God whispered solemnly.

“It looks like an elaborate pinball machine.”

The Lord God stared at Satan for a serious few seconds before speaking.

“Do you see these slingshot cogs? If you hit this one, it means flood. If you hit this one? Famine. If you happen to hit this combination? Look at the board. It means catastrophic earthquake. There’s a reason the official name contains the word 'Doomsday.'”

Satan was engrossed, studying the board.

“I see. So, you adjust the settings according to time and place and then just let ‘er rip?”

“Well, I used to enjoy playing this thing, you can imagine. But, as I got better at keeping things relatively steady by myself down there, I just didn’t want to leave things to chance anymore. 

And I’m not the best at choosing the proper natural disasters and global catastrophes for any given situation, I can admit it. And that’s where you came in, remember?”

“Can you change the settings to include our lovebirds? Since this thing goes back a long way.”

“It does, that’s true.”

“It may be just the thing to get these two under some kind of control.”

“I’d rather not hurt them.”

“Oh, now you’re just being soft. You know this is about divine intervention. It all works out in the end.”

“Thanks for reminding me. Well, let’s see if I remember how to program this thing.”

* * * 

“Welcome, loved ones. We are gathered here on this perfect day in this beautiful garden setting to join this man, Harold, and this woman, Grace, in holy matrimony. They have written their own vows and will say them now. Grace?”

“Harold. I have always thought fate and free will were equally powerful, but I consider free will to be even more important because it is free will that determines our ultimate fate. We must believe in free will. Frankly, we have no choice.”

Muffled laughter emanated throughout the gathering. Harold was smiling.

“I believe in both fate and free will, as they brought us together. Well, that and a lemon drop martini. Harold, I choose you to love and to cherish, now and forever.”

* * *

God stopped programming the machine and froze, listening.

“Lord God, why are you stopping?” Satan was visibly miffed.

“Hush, Demon. I’m trying to concentrate.”

* * *

“Grace. From the first moment I saw you, I knew you were trouble. I also knew God had sent me an angel, a klutzy angel, to be sure, but one who would forever keep me on my toes. I promise you that, no matter what fate brings, hell or high water, premature baldness, wrinkles, sagging skin . . .”

“Thanks, Harry, got it.”

“What I’m trying to tell you is that I am yours, come what may. There’s nothing we can’t overcome or survive so long as we’re together. I’ve never been so sure of anything as I am of this.”

* * * 

“Well? What are you waiting for? Are you going to let them get away with that?”

“Yes, Lucifer, I believe I am.”

“What? Why?”

“I see clearly now that those two may be my greatest creation.”

“Oh, get me a violin, somebody. You’re making me weep.”

“Those vows made me weep. I’ve made up my mind. Things will stay as they are.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!”

With that, Lucifer grabbed the plunger and, after pulling it quickly back – ping – shot a small gold ball into the play-field of the machine. Both God and the Devil watched as the ball bounced from kicker cog to flipper to slingshot, bumper and back. Lights flashed accompanied by zings, bells and buzzers as numbers popped up on the back-box, multiplying furiously as the ball continued to bounce its way around the field. 

When it finally found the trough and took its place at the end of the line of golden balls, Satan looked over at God and smiled.

“Oops.”

God smiled back.

“What?” Satan looked surprised.

“If you understood the coordinates I’d programmed, you’d know that these events are now occurring within a realm that you should be well acquainted with.”

“Wait a minute . . .”

“It’s time, Lucifer. Go to Hell.”