How I hate snow

It's a snowy morning. I hear the wind whipping it around the house. The vinyl siding on one side of the house rattles incensidly. A catalyst for the snow begging to enter the warm confines of our humble dwelling. The heater kicks in but I don't feel it's warmth immediately. The heater is working fine but the house still feels so cold. I think it could be just my imagination. I tuck myself deeper into the couch cushion and the blanket that Jack lovingly wrapped around me before he left for work. I let out a low whine and will myself to go back to sleep.

When I finally nod off, my dream of chasing a chipmunk through the grass was rudely interrupted by Sam. She's an annoying creature.

Sam is a fat, balding calico. She farts a lot too but she does give the best back scratches. The tuffs of fur and bald patches all over her body give off a feral vibe. She stands over me menacingly as if to say, "I noticed that you look so warm and cozy, but not on my watch."

And I, knowing that she weighs more than I do, grudgingly leave my warm blanket and jump off the couch. Sam quickly deposits herself regally as though she were a lithe feline in the spot I recently vacated. Huffing in outward annoyance, I look back at her and she settles herself deeper into the folds of my blanket. I trudge off to the staircase and sit myself down to wait for Anne to come down to feed me breakfast. I feel like it’s been an eternity. So, in my impatience, I bark at the top of my lungs. Doesn't she know I'm starving? I don't know how she doesn't hear the urgent tone of my of bark and my need for food? My stomach growls. I haven’t eaten since yesterday!

I haul myself to the front window and watch as the snow blows haphazardly in all directions. It looks like one of those snow globes Anne has sitting on the coffee table. I shiver to myself. I hate the blasted cold and snow. I hate the way it sticks to my fur and forms little snowballs when I have to walk in the stuff. The worst is coming back indoors and having to be hosed down to remove them. Oh, how I long for summer days!

I miss frolicking in the tall green grass, wading in the pond and chasing squirrels, chipmunks and really anything worth chasing. Yes, long summer days. Finding and burying treasures in the backyard, rolling in mud, getting wet by the garden hose and not shivering with cold. Grabbing a wayward hotdog or three off the picnic table or swiping food from the little humans that just tease me by dangling it my face.

All the while, catching a glance at Sam's miserable face in the window brings me joy.  I know she’s wishing it was her doing all the fun stuff I was doing. I would wag my tail and jump and down to show her how much fun I was having. She'd turn her back haughtily and I would continue on with my fun. I would pay dearly for my daily display which I would soon forget and I would do it all over again the next day.

As repercussions for my displays of exquisite entertainment, she’d tip over my water bowl, dig out the plants and  tear up couch blankets; all for which I would be blamed. She'd hide my bones, throw my toys in the toilet; which didn’t bother me much would cause Anne to become get very upset. Sam would jump on the counter and toss things on the floor for me to eat or chew on but Anne would come in hysterics and close me in the garage for a timeout.

I snap out of my reverie as Anne pats my head and greets me warmly. I jump up happily and follow her into the kitchen. She fills my water bowl and warms up some food in the microwave. I'm salivating all over myself. I chase my tail and do the tricks she taught me to see if she’ll give it to me quicker. The smell of the meat sauce is driving me crazy. I'm still chasing after my tail.

She at long last places the overflowing bowl down in front of me and I attack it until it’s all gone. For one glorious moment I am so immensely happy and in the next moment, my leash is snapped into my collar and the cold air hits me square in the face taking my breath away. Snow is blasting into my eyes and going up my snout.

Sam is purring happily from my warm blanket as if to say, "Ha-ha, you are such a loser. You have to pee and poop in the cold while I have a nice spot in the house just for me and the humans clean it everyday. " Her purring grows louder. Mocking me. She's a diabolical cat that should be thrown out in the cold. I fight the urge to run back into the house and grab her by the neck and do just that.

I tentatively step out onto the frigid cold and deep packed snow and try to relieve myself as fast as possible before my nuts freeze off! Then I remember I don’t have any. I try to find a patch of snow to do my second order of business but have settle on a spot Anne tried to clear for me. I have to find the right angle as not to get the cold wind up my butt.

Once my business is completed, I run back to the entrance of my safe and warm home. I look up expectantly for her to open the door and I make a run for it and plop myself into Sam. She hisses at me and bares her claws. I hurtle off of her onto the other side of the couch. I rub myself all over the couch and feel Anne’s hands on me. I whine as she chastises me but I know it’s no good. I’m going to be washed down. Oh, how I hate the snow.

In the other room, I swear that Sam is purring condescendingly and plotting her revenge.