171 comments

Sad Suspense Thriller

Dead. Dead. Dead. You love babies. They're adorable. You had babies when you turned twenty-six. Twins, the nurse had told you. They were cute as a button, both of them. Unfortunately, they didn't survive. You still remember the nurse's words. How can you forget? No mother can ever forget, even if her child is long dead. "I'm sorry," she had said. "They couldn't make it. They are dead."


Your eyes snap open and you see a black ceiling. Confused, you get up because you had painted yours a bright blue, just days ago. You throw away the covers and get off the bed. You are heading towards the bathroom when suddenly, you shiver. You reminisce about earlier: maybe you're shivering because of it. You dismiss the thought and grab your clothes. You shiver again. Defeated, you change into a pair of olive overalls, grab your car keys, and leave your home. But then, yesterday's headlines start to play and then replay in your mind. "A severe blizzard is about to strike. Don't leave your place. I repeat, a severe blizzard is about to strike. DO NOT leave your place." Paying no heed to the given warnings, you kickstart the engine and drive away.


You arrive at the store. It's Carter's, your favorite. That one store whom you had almost robbed of the baby clothes when you had got the news. You had bought various baby products: pairs of beanies, mittens, bibs, footies, powders, lotions and so much more. And then, there had been a different clothing collection for the two of them. There had been floral frocks for your baby girl. While you had bought rompers, some cute shorts, and t-shirts for your baby boy. You had even named them beforehand. Caleb, your husband had picked out the name 'Isaac' for your boy and you had picked out 'Mia,' for your baby girl. But, all of the hard work had gone in vain. You hear something drop from behind you which makes you realize that you've been standing in the same position for the past twenty minutes. The jeans romper in your hand is rumpled and damp. Damp from your tears, perhaps. You move in feverish haste, anxious to get going. You turn around expecting to see some angry worker staring daggers at you for spoiling their spick and span arrangement. But to your astonishment, there is no worker. Instead of the worker, there in front of you, holding a rainbow rattle, is the most beautiful baby you've ever seen. 


Your eyes fill up with tears as you pick the baby up. Her outfit indicates that she is a girl. She's dressed in a pink tank top and jeans shorts. Her hair is a mass of blonde curls falling on her forehead. She giggles and you feel your chest tighten. Oh, if and only if you'd got to hear a giggle of your babies. You get distracted when you feel her holding your index finger with a firm grasp. Skin folds are being formed all over her hands, her bare thighs and her,... You get so engrossed in the baby that you totally forget to look for her mother or her father. "Mama..." the girl begins. She looks no more than a one-year-old. The very same age that your babies would've been, had they survived. You feel a lump beginning to form in your throat and your vision is blurred by the tears forming around the corner of your eyes. Despite your heart saying a NO, you jerk away from the cruel memory and march down the aisle, ready to hand-over the baby to her parents.


Your first instinct is to look for her parents near the cash-counter but a sudden realization comes into your mind. There had been a forecast of a blizzard. No one was to leave their house up until...well, up until it ended. As a reflex action, your head turns right and then left. Your eyes search frantically for the baby's parents. "Mama....dada." you feel stabbed in the chest again. Not with the bitter memory this time but with a panic arising within you. You start imagining the baby's panicked mother. You imagine her to be blonde, just like the baby. You imagine her face to be damp and her eyes to be puffy and red, all from the crying. You imagine her running up and down, searching high and low for her bundle of joy. Thus, you once again set off on the mission to find her but.....to no avail.


You take out your phone to call Caleb. But then, you put it back with a sudden realization. Caleb is dead. Well, not literally but his 'new wife' had told you never to call him again. Hadn't she? She had strictly told you to assume him to be dead. Oh, the loss of your babies made you lose Caleb too. There are big fat tears on the corner of your eyes. You're on the verge of crying and old memories: memories about Caleb and your daughter and your son, bring them rolling down your cheeks only to land on the baby's plump lips. Confused, she looks up and smiles, revealing a set of newly-grown teeth. Your heart melts and your mind eases up a bit. Thus, you smile back.


Your second instinct is to make the worker on the cash-counter make an announcement but then again, there is no worker around you. You quickly go through the list of actions you would take, but there isn't any left.


The dark, selfish side of you takes over and you start to imagine things you shouldn't have. You start to think of the things which might prove to be trouble for you in the future. You have no children. And, this child has lost her parents. Well, in some way she has. You can't find her parents, knocking every other door in the entire city or maybe the country. Your heart picks up it's pace which makes you realize that this baby girl is just right for you. You have no time as soon, there will be cops here. Then not only will you be questioned for having an unknown baby, but you will also be questioned for not abiding by the rules and leaving your house in such harsh weather. You quickly grab the baby and some essential products like the instant formula milk, some biscuits, and hurriedly get into your car. You make the baby sit in the backseat and tie a seatbelt around her, making sure its clasped properly. While doing so, you hear sirens. The cops have arrived. Panicking, you get into your car's driving seat and leave the site, lest you get arrested for 'stealing a baby.' 


You drive the car a little above the usual pace and then, instead of taking a turn to your right, you take a turn to your left and get out of the city. You turn on the music. A soft, pleasant one. It is time to celebrate. Because, this baby girl is yours now and you may keep her, forever. "Mia...?" you call out and to your surprise, the girl looks up and into the rearview mirror. You grin because it looks like you just got one of your children back!



July 28, 2020 13:59

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171 comments

Thom Brodkin
18:08 Jul 29, 2020

I have been searching for and reading all the stories I can inspired by this prompt because it is the one I chose as well. I really enjoyed your take on the story. Your descriptions of the effects of loss were so poignant it made me think you may have experienced a similar great loss which made the story even more real for me. I wish you somehow were able to make her keeping the baby more acceptable. A note saying please take care of my baby or something like that. I couldn't help but think that if it was an actual kidnapping she was se...

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Batool Hussain
04:56 Jul 30, 2020

Hello! Thank you so, so much. I'll do that in a while as I'm in the middle of an online class right now! Take care;))

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Nancy Drayce
14:43 Jul 28, 2020

Wow! Such a beautiful story! I truly loved it! Very well written, amazing job! 💜✨ And, would you mind checking out my latest story 'Lilith'? Thanks in advance 💜

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Batool Hussain
15:09 Jul 28, 2020

Thank you! Sure.

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Nice!

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Batool Hussain
14:17 Jul 28, 2020

:) I left a detailed comment on your recent one!

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I saw! THANK YOU!

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Tina Laing
17:50 Aug 10, 2020

A very nice story.

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Arvind Kashyap
04:27 Aug 08, 2020

Nice style.

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Rebecca Lee
03:34 Aug 08, 2020

It was a good read. I felt the realism of the emotions felt. There were a few things I saw - mostly some things from my days of being an editor - some sentences that might have been justified if they had been shortened, and some mechanical stuff. And I think some of the phrasing could have been cut out - because in a few spots there seemed to be repetitiveness? A second read through by you would allow you to see that. Otherwise, it was great. Thanks for sharing it. (Hey would you follow me and maybe check out some of my stories, I would lov...

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20:52 Aug 07, 2020

This is a very intense story. Very vivid detail. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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Freddy Iryss
02:07 Aug 06, 2020

What a gripping story! Greatly paced and written. I really liked your choice of second person narrative.

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Batool Hussain
04:11 Aug 06, 2020

Thank you

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Kathleen March
01:17 Aug 06, 2020

As a person (woman) who lost 4 babies (but had 1 who survived), I get the grief and could up the ante. It is a horrendous loss. I have mostly written poetry about the emotion, however. It never goes away. I never forget that I could'should have had 5 babies. So this is to say your treatment of the topic is on target. I did feel slight confusion about time lapse, which went from birth/death of the twins to the store where a year-old baby is. Did I miss something? Do remember it's = it is, while its = possessive adjective. Keep worki...

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Batool Hussain
04:15 Aug 06, 2020

Thank you for appreciating my work :) And no, you didn't miss on something. To clear your confusion I can maybe summarize the entire story in a few words here. The narrator is a a grief-stricken mother who lost her twins. When once she encounters a baby in a store (abandoned) she decides to run away with her (as it is a golden chance) I hope you got what you were looking for. I'm truly sorry for your loss. Hoping that you and your baby are safe! Have a great day :))

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Julia Butler
12:35 Aug 05, 2020

Wow! That was an amazing story. I like how you wrote it in second person POV. I think that really suited the story and prompt nicely.

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Batool Hussain
12:44 Aug 05, 2020

Thank you:)

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Mae Obusa
21:27 Aug 04, 2020

Having 2 boys and getting pregnant after 8 years, I nearly lost my daughter due to complications. I still get the chills when I remember the ordeal that I and my husband went through and I truly felt how that woman felt. Not just because I had that near experience but because you captured the emotions very well.

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Batool Hussain
04:17 Aug 05, 2020

Thanks

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Jr. Romars
18:27 Aug 04, 2020

really great story . Will you please read mine if u get free time?? Please read and like https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/53/submissions/28224/

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Batool Hussain
04:18 Aug 05, 2020

Thanks. And, sure!

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Verkisto Skribas
17:30 Aug 04, 2020

good job! thank you for sharing!

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Batool Hussain
04:21 Aug 05, 2020

Thanks

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17:15 Aug 04, 2020

This is a beautiful piece of writing. I am drawn in from the start and throughout.

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Batool Hussain
04:21 Aug 05, 2020

Thank you

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03:18 Aug 04, 2020

What a sad story. Even in the end when she’s “happy” . Heart breaker

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Batool Hussain
06:53 Aug 04, 2020

Glad that u got the intended theme:))

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Blake Hogen
03:02 Aug 04, 2020

I love the real emotion behind the story, and the slow build-up to the protagonist's action is awesome. Coincidentally enough, I had a similar premise, but I really like where you went with yours!

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Batool Hussain
06:52 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks. Just checked out yours: it's very good:)

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Blake Hogen
21:49 Aug 04, 2020

Thanks so much!

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Sue Marsh
19:57 Aug 03, 2020

Batool, that is a wonderful story it shows the grief of losing twins but also the happiness that can be found. I love the twist at the end. Sue

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Batool Hussain
06:50 Aug 04, 2020

Thank you so very much. -B

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This story is beautiful and dark in a way and I love it? One of my favorite types of twists. This sounds like a movie I'd gladly watch and enjoy. Well done!

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Batool Hussain
06:49 Aug 04, 2020

Thank you! This means so much.

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Ana V
18:28 Aug 03, 2020

Such a sweet story. Leaves me off wondering about the baby! Please do take a trip to my profile using this link: https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/ana-v-52b2e4/ I would love if you could leave some constructive feedback on how I should improve my writing. It would mean a lot! (Also, it would be nice if you check my writing consistently, and comment so that you could comment on my addition writing pieces I will write in the future!) Question: Do you know any free creative writing competitions, free creative wr...

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Batool Hussain
18:53 Aug 03, 2020

Thanks. I'll do it tomorrow as its literally 11:58 pm here:))

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Ana V
20:28 Aug 03, 2020

Ohh... I didn't mean to bother you! Take your time, I'm not in a rush, but surely do check out my stories! Thank you too!!

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Asa Frederick
13:55 Aug 03, 2020

The depiction of loss and the utter despair and even madness that it can drive one to is wonderfully done. Great story.

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Batool Hussain
18:50 Aug 03, 2020

Thanks

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