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Adventure Crime Funny

Part One: The Heist

Mira unscrewed the last bolt from the window and braced herself against the building. She unzipped a pockets and brought out her jammer. She placed it between her teeth and dug for her toolkit. She clutched the tool kit tight in her left hand and took a deep breath.

              This must happen fast! She thought.

              With one swift motion, she pulled the window open, flipped inside and spit the jammer onto her right hand. She slapped it on the security console. It was good for maybe forty seconds, depending on the tech. She opened the tool kit and attacked the console. She was deft. Speedy. Screws flew out. Mira clipped wires and she replaced them with duds that would tell the monitor all was well in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, otherwise known as the Met. Mira flung switches out of place and glanced at the jamming pack. The warning light started pulsing. She went back to work, took a tiny transponder from another pocket and inserted it inside the console and flicked the switch. It was red.

              Damn!

              It flickered to orange. Then yellow.

              Double damn!

              She glanced at her jammer and it was blinking furiously. Any second now it would be useless. Then the transponder’s light went green. Mira let out a sigh and looked around. She tucked tight to the wall and started counting.

              One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand.

              Many thieves had been caught because they put too much faith in their plan. On the flip, many thieves had been caught for not moving quickly. The window was right there. If she needed to, she could easily flip out and dash away. She counted to one hundred and braced herself. She tucked a stray bright red hair into her hood.

              GO! She yelled at herself.

              Mira was a black blur streaking through the Met. In the past, she might have had a specific item she was searching for. But not tonight. She darted in the first open room she found and unzipped another pocket. Her outfit was black leather with hundreds of tiny zippered pouches. It was skintight and the zippers were also black and fiberglass. Aside from her jamming kit and tools, nothing she carried was metal. She shined the flashlight around the room first on the blacklight setting.

              Good! She thought No lasers!

              Then she switched to the infrared light, pointing at the floor, the walls and noted various trigger points to avoid. Then her eyes fell on them. They were perfect. Silver earrings resting on a velvet stand with Emeralds that would match her eyes quite nicely. She shined the red light all around them, but it didn’t detect any pressure points.

              NOW! She thought. In and out!

              She leapt across the room, taking as few steps on the floor as possible. Her calves jarred against the impact. She winced. Leapt again. In four strides she was before the glass case. There were other items. Necklaces, broaches, countless beauties. In the past, Mira would have taken them all. But that was behind her. Mira put the flashlight away and took out her glass cutter. It took five seconds for her deft hands to cut a hole large enough for her hand and wrist to snake in. She plucked them, stashed them, and then leapt out the room as quickly as she had entered. She dashed into the hallway, exhilarated, and nearly bumped into the pair of guards. There was a second of shock on their faces. One second was all Mira needed. She slammed a fist into one of their throats and he crumpled, gasping for air. The other started reaching for his holster.

              “Tsk Tsk.” Was all she said. Then she fell to the ground, swept his legs, and smacked him in the forehead. Hard. Mira didn’t wait around to see how long it was going to take them to recover. She bolted down the hallway, back to the monitor. She snatched her jammer and toolkit and was out the window like a black streak of lightning. She scrambled along the ledge of the building and made her way to her grappling hook. She shimmied down the black rope to the ground, then dashed across the street, into a subway tunnel, not caring who stopped or stared. She bolted down the stairs, then took a left for the nearest bathroom.

              Once inside a stall, Mira hurriedly shed her leather outfit. She parted the zipper along the middle and reversed it. On the other side, the pants were a dull brown and the top a midnight blue. She still might draw unwanted stares, but anyone looking for a thief all in black would glance right past her. Mira removed her hood, donned her clothes, and strolled back into the subway tunnel. The destination did not matter. She took the first train that came along the tracks and once aboard, she sighed to herself.

              Damn! That was too easy!

              Mira reached into one of her pockets and brought out her cell phone. She dialed one of her contacts. The phone rang twice and then it was picked up.

              “Hey Mira, this is bad timing. Can it wait?”

              “Sorry, but no, Chris.” She grimaced. “I relapsed.”

              “What did you steal?” Chris asked without missing a beat.

              “A pair of earrings from the Met.”

              “OK.” He said “There’s a meeting at 9. Just a couple hours away. I will see you there.”

              “Yeah….” Mira sighed “I’m sorry.”

              “It’s a process, Mira. The good thing is you called me. But next time, call me BEFORE you steal stuff, ok?”

              “Yeah….” Mira said. But Chris had already hung up. The train lurched and Mira sunk into her seat, put her head in her hands and began to cry.

Part Two: CATAPULT

              Mira had changed into a pair of jeans and a hoodie. She was standing in the meeting room looking at the table of pastries and coffees trying to decide if she wanted to tempt the day old Danish or go safe with a bag of peanuts.

              “Do you still have them?” a gruff voice asked. Mira spun.

              Chris was 6’5” and she craned her neck to meet his eyes.

              “I really did try to toss them in a dumpster.” Mira sighed. “But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

              “Hand them over.” Chris held out his hand, expectedly.

              Mira reached into her pocket. Her fingers felt along the fine silver setting, fingering the emeralds. Her pulse quickened at the touch. She looked away from Chris’ gaze.

              “Mira, hand them over.” He said more forcefully.

              Benjamin came up to the table, unaware of the conversation and filled up his coffee cup. He grabbed the danish Mira had been considering.

              Well that settles that. I get peanuts.

              She took her hand out of her pocket and held it out, shutting her eyes tight. Then she opened her hand. The next thing she knew the earrings were out of her grasp and Mira fought back a sob.

              “How long have you been clean?” Chris asked.

              “About three months.” She replied.

              “Actually, four months and six days.” He replied.

              “Really?” Mira looked up to him then and burst out laughing. Chris had donned the earrings. He had dark brown hair and a full beard. He looked like a cowboy movie had barfed out one of its main characters. Except this one was wearing emerald earrings.

              “Okay. We’re going to PURCHASE a calendar. After the meeting.” He said.

              “OK!” Mira felt better having given them away. But also, worse. She snatched a bag of peanuts and walked with Chris to several tables smashed up against each other, none of them matching. None of the chairs matched either. It was all donated stuff. Normally, alcoholics and drug addicts sat in these chairs. But at night, it housed Crooks And Thieves And Plunderers Under Life Therapy. CATAPULT for short. The idea was to catapult yourself into an honest life.

              Mira glanced at the other people gathered there. All of them used code names. She knew Chris’s real name was something completely different. Mira chose to use her real name because she figured if everyone else was using a fake one, they would all assume hers was fake as well. A woman at the head of the table stood up and gave the opening announcement and pledge. Mira didn’t pay attention to the words but at some point Mira and everyone else said.

              “I want to better both my life and society.”

              There was more diatribe from the secretary and then they all said in unison.

              “I will do my best to improve myself and obey the law.”

              Mira munched a peanut and then the secretary asked. “Did anyone have an episode in the last 24 hours?” Mira groaned and determinedly held her chair, but Chris was nudging her in the ribs.

              “Fine!” she said and raised her hand.

              “Please stand up and tell us what happened.”

              Mira stood and took a deep breath. “So. I. Broke into the Met tonight.”

              “Start with your name please.” Said the secretary.

              “Yes. Sorry. Hi, everyone. My name is Mira and I am a Thief.”

              “Hi Mira!” Everyone said in unison.

              “I stole some earrings. I got away clean. I could have taken SO MUCH MORE!” she said defensively. “Once I was safe on the subway, I called my sponsor.”

              “Is that true?” The secretary asked.

              “She did.” Chris stood up, still wearing the earrings which earned laughter from most of the CATAPULT group. “I told her to come to the meeting and to call me before she steals next time.”

              “Do you have anything else you would like to add?” The secretary asked.

              “I. Uh. My head just got out of control. I heard a commercial for a jewelry store on the radio on my way home from work.”

              “Oh I hate those!” Shelby said from three chairs away. “Like what do they expect us to do!?”

              “They expect us to purchase. Not steal.” The woman at the head of the table said.

              “So I’m going to get a music app.” Mira continued “And pay so I don’t hear commercials.”

              “Why didn’t I think of that!” a man said. He was sitting across from Mira and for the life of her, Mira couldn’t remember seeing him there before.

              “Do I know you?” Mira asked him. He just sank back into his chair, shaking his head.

              Mira sat back down and the CATAPULT members took turns talking about their past misdeeds and what they were doing to improve. Some of the stories were stirring. Some of them were boring. Eventually it came to a close. They all stood, joined hands and chanted.

              “May the universe grant me the serenity to accept my past life of crime, the courage to face a new law-abiding life and if I slip, the wisdom not to get caught.”

              Then, just as Mira was about to leave, she felt a slightly familiar feeling around one of her wrists. She spun, fell and flung her arm around. The man she hadn’t been able to place ducked just in time and she looked to her wrist and saw a handcuff dangling from her wrist.

              “You are under arrest!” he said. “I’ve already called backup! Hell! You are all under arrest!”

              Mira took no time to respond. She was out the door in seconds. The man was chasing after her.

              Damnit! She ran furiously.

Part Three: A Crook Gets Caught

              Mira was booking. The dude on her heels was really fast! People yelled as she pushed past them, but Mira paid no heed. She was not about to get caught by some rookie just when she was starting to turn away from her life of crime! She looked ahead and saw a man walking what might have been a Pitbull. She wasn’t really a dog person, but it could have been a Pitbull. As she went past him, she caught the leash in her elbow, ripping it out of his arms and the dog started barking and running after her too!

              Damnit! She grimaced inwardly You were supposed to attack the other guy!

              Luckily whatever kind of dog it was soon gave up the chase, but mystery cop was still after her. She ducked into an alley and huffed as fast as she could. The alley was miserably clean and there were no good places to hide. Just as Mira was about to reach the end of the alley, one of the doors opened and a little old man came out of it. He had a tupe and horn-rimmed glasses and in his hands, a keyring with what looked like a thousand keys dangling from it. He started to lock the door he had just come out of and Mira surged forward. If the universe was giving her a chance to get out of this, she was not letting it out of her fingers. The man had the key in the door and was about to turn it when Mira barreled up to him. She unclicked the lock, gave him a kiss on the cheek and went inside.

              She found herself in an antique shop. Rows of shelves lined up with knickknacks from bygone eras. She made herself pass the rows of beautiful rings and necklaces in their innocent little cases just asking to get plucked. She went deep into the antique shop. Then she heard the door open and she winced when a voice said. “Alright, this is the end! You might as well give yourself up!”

              Mira stumbled, and then bounced face first off of a bookcase. Initially she clutched her nose, but as she looked up, the bookcase began to tilt toward her. A vase fell just to her left. Then a metal doorknocker clanged too close to her foot. Mira leapt away and moved to the left into another room. All around the room, there were mirrors of every size and shape. Large rectangular mirrors edged in gold filigree and small ornate hand mirrors hanging from hooks on the wall. There was one giant mirror which stretched from floor to ceiling. Luckily, there were support beams in the room and Mira hid behind one, looking at the thousands of reflections of her staring back. She slowed her breathing. She steadied her heartbeat. She waited and started counting.

              One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand.

              There was no end point. She would count to three billion if she had to. It calmed her and helped her focus. Then the door opened and she saw in some of the mirrors a reflection of the man from the meeting. He was holding his gun out. He fired at one of the mirrors and it shattered all over the floor.

              “Seven years bad luck.” Mira said.

              “I’ll take my chances!” he replied and fired another round, destroying another antique mirror.

              “Mira, Mira, on the wall, but which is the guiltiest of them all?” she said coyly.

              Another gunshot and another mirror shattered.

              “You’re up to 21 years now, rookie.”

              “You’re going to be in for a lot longer than that!”

              Just as he was about to fire another shot, Mira’s eyes went wide. Chris barreled into the room, charging at the cop. Unfortunately, the cop was a lot more capable than Chris thought. The cop dodged and smacked Chris in the shoulder with the butt of his gun. Chris fell to the ground, groaning and just like that, the cop was on him, snapping his wrists into handcuffs.

              “Well this one will have to do. But I will get you eventually!”

              “No!” Mira screamed, not daring to reveal her hiding place.

              She had to watch as her sponsor, her rock in the hard times getting hauled out of the room by some rookie cop. She heard sirens outside and sighed inwardly. There was nothing she could do. She started to cry again. Chris had been clean for years. YEARS! She counted some more until the commotion outside silenced. Then she reached into her pocket for her cell phone. Mira only had a couple of the CATAPULT members’ numbers, so she called those. The first one went straight to voicemail. The second one picked up.

              “Yeah. He caught Chris. He’s taking him in.”

              “Get to the station as fast as you can.” Shelby replied

              “What?”

              “Just trust me!” Shelby said. “This isn’t our first run in and it won’t be our last. Just get to the station Mira!”

              “OK….” Mira hung up.

              She finally stepped away from the pillar and a slow smile crept along her cheeks. Her pulse raced. Her heart thumped. There on the floor were the emerald earrings. The cop must have knocked them off in the tussle. Mira called a cab and waited outside until it showed up. It was another half hour before she arrived at the station. Mira paid the cabbie and got out, not believing her eyes. There, crowded around the police station were several of the CATAPULT members. Joining them were about a hundred people Mira did not recognize. They were just sitting in front of the building, chanting. Some of them held candles.

              “Free the CATAPULT!” they cried out “Set the CATAPULT free!”

              Mira found Shelby’s face amongst the crowd and she went to join her.

              “What is going on?” Mira asked.

              “We don’t leave until he does.” Shelby replied, handing her a candle.

              Mira lit her candle and waved it high in the air and chanted. “Free the CATAPULT!” Mira yelled at the top of her lungs “Set the CATAPULT free!”

              “I love your earrings!” Shelby said between chants “They really bring out your eyes.”

              “Thank you.” Mira said “I stumbled upon them in an antique shop.”

THE END

February 12, 2021 06:54

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